Depression

[Buce]

52 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

@TAFKA Castroneves

 

Citalopram can get in the ****ing bin. It made me feel like I needed to piss constantly but I couldn't start a flow. Devastating. Started making me a lot more stressed. Trying to take a piss before going somewhere, knowing you needed to leave to a deadline, ended up sat on the bog trying to actually meditate in to opening the gates. Madness. 

 

Flouxetine even more hilarious. Anorgasmia. Amazing. Sex is one of the most triggering psychological insecurities people have world wide so we're going to market a drug, for already sad and anxious people, THAT FUKS WITH THEIR SEX LIFE. 

 

Unbelievable Jeff. Erections for days, no problem, sex for hours. Sex till it chafes. Just no bloody jizz. Not every time obviously but Christ that was annoying. 

 

So this time I'm on sertraline because it's good for depression and comorbid OCD the latter is what's killed my relationship (became obsessed she was cheating and spent months spying on her, crying and accusing her of things - she wasn't.) Took my first one begrudgingly last night. 

 

Read all the side effects, turns out it's even worse for anorgasmia than flouxetine.

 

The next Mrs Finners is up for some serious sex marathons. 

 

Just an FYI, Finners.

 

One of the newer anti-depressants (the name escapes me, but your Dr should know it) doesn't have anorgasmia as a side effect.

[Finnegan]

8 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Just an FYI, Finners.

 

One of the newer anti-depressants (the name escapes me, but your Dr should know it) doesn't have anorgasmia as a side effect.

 

If you find out let me know immediately.

 

It also needs to be non drowsy where possible. I don't want a sedative. I also don't want to be struggling to put sentences or thoughts together which higher doses of SSRIs do. 

 

Basically, I want a script for low dose mdma. 

[Buce]

Just now, Finnegan said:

 

If you find out let me know immediately.

 

It also needs to be non drowsy where possible. I don't want a sedative. I also don't want to be struggling to put sentences or thoughts together which higher doses of SSRIs do. 

 

Basically, I want a script for low dose mdma. 

 

All I remember is that it has a 'z' in it.

[Buce]

 

@Finnegan

 

Mirtazapine.

[Finnegan]

3 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

All I remember is that it has a 'z' in it.

 

 

So half the meds on the market. 

[Finnegan]

1 minute ago, Buce said:

 

@Finnegan

 

Mirtazapine.

 

Ah right no. I was offered tecas as an alternative but like I said, I don't want a sedative. 

 

Mirtazapine doesn't have the sexual dysfunction issues but it is a knock out drug. I want to be able to work, exercise and live. 

[Beliall]

How can i get some Flouxetine ? asking for a friend...

[Finnegan]

11 minutes ago, Beliall said:

How can i get some Flouxetine ? asking for a friend...

 

 

It has actually been prescribed before for premature ejaculation. Not to me, like, but yeah it's such a reliable side effect it gets dished out on that basis. 

 

Btw, if you weren't actually making a sex joke and you want an antidepressant  then consult your GP!

[sylofox]

I thought I'd found the cure for depression but it's now hitting back hard. But if anyone wants a few weeks relief from depression a broken hip works for a few weeks. Morphine and tramadol were probably why my depression seemed so much better So I now have no pain killers an aching and sore leg restricted movement and depression back We so need to beat BHA.

[Finnegan]

1 minute ago, sylofox said:

I thought I'd found the cure for depression but it's now hitting back hard. But if anyone wants a few weeks relief from depression a broken hip works for a few weeks. Morphine and tramadol were probably why my depression seemed so much better So I now have no pain killers an aching and sore leg restricted movement and depression back We so need to beat BHA.

 

Bad leg, depression, pain pills. I think I know this one. 

 

Are you a leading diagnostician? 

[sylofox]

2 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

 

Bad leg, depression, pain pills. I think I know this one. 

 

Are you a leading diagnostician? 

No just pissed off at putting 3oz of titanium on overnight.

[shen]

@Finnegan

Don't mind if I call you Chafinnegan from now on, yeh 

 

It shocks every time when people reveal they've been suicidal, especially when you don't see it coming. On one hand I have a really hard time putting myself in the shoes of someone who's suicidal as I've never been pushed that far. On the other hand it's something I expect I might experience too and often I can understand the reasons for suicidal thoughts. I know my wife gets visibly scared when I go on nihilistic rants, but I can only imagine how terrifying it must be to actually feel suicidal and struggling to see a way out.

[Finnegan]

@shen

 

Suicidal is a spectrum for me. Some days I fantasise about it and want to do it but what stops me is that what I ACTUALLY want is to see everyone's reaction, see who cries, watch my funeral. I fantasise about my funeral a lot, as silly as that is. 

 

Other days I feel so much despair I do want to die I'm just hopelessly afraid of the limited methods available to me and I'm smart enough to know there is a risk of ****ing it up and being brain damaged. 

 

Then sometimes I just want to make a suicidal gesture, if I'm honest. I want everyone around me to know how much I hurt in the most extreme terms. It's quite a manipulative, desperate desire in that sense. 

 

Then finally, the state I was in last Wednesday and Thursday I actually just got the belt and some cord out and was sincerely ready to hang myself from a door knob. 

 

I couldn't tell you what inspired me to take the one step back from the plan I needed to call samaritans if honest. Maybe just a shot of hope that things weren't entirely over with my ex, dunno. But picking up that phone saved my life even if by accident on the guys part. 

 

It wasn't a gesture, nobody was coming near the flat, I hadn't told anyone, it was just for me. Nobody could really have known or been to blame. 

 

What was I feeling at the time? Just an absolutely ruinous lack of hope. That I was doomed to keep repeating the cycle, that even if I found another Mrs Finners I'd just drive her away and be back here in another five years in the same pain. 

[Guest BlueBrett]

3 hours ago, Finnegan said:

 

So this time I'm on sertraline because it's good for depression and comorbid OCD the latter is what's killed my relationship (became obsessed she was cheating and spent months spying on her, crying and accusing her of things - she wasn't.) Took my first one begrudgingly last night. 

 

Read all the side effects, turns out it's even worse for anorgasmia than flouxetine.

 

The next Mrs Finners is up for some serious sex marathons. 

Sertraline seems alright, you just have to remember to actually take it every day which turned out to be too much for my tiny mind. Applies to pretty much all the meds unfortunately so it's going to have to be another way for me.

 

Can't say I experienced any jizz related issues!  Just some mild nausea at times but that was probably down to me taking them on an empty stomach as often as not. My doc actually told me ED can be a common side effect so he prescribed some blue pills alongside it. Think he may have been slightly over-protective of my interests (or maybe he just wanted to talk about sex for a bit) because I didn't have any problems,but I must admit the V was kind of fun!I've been thinking about asking for a repeat and only picking up that half of it. Just for special occasions you know 

 

Anyway,hope they help you  feel better mate.

 

 

 

Just saw your latest. Obviously I don't know you and everyone's experience is different but the lack of hope you describe sounds all toofamiliar. When I was at my lowest ebb I felt like nothing could possibly help and suicide would have been extremely attractive if I didn't think my mum would probably follow suit if i did it. The thing that eventually dragged me up from the depths of despair to the plains of malaise was that I moved like 200 miles to live somewhere else. It wasn't like anything really changed, it just provided a new context, disrupted my self-destructive routine for a while and exposed me to lots of new people and other stimuli. Sometimes the best way (or at least the quickest which is good enough in truly desperate situations) to break an internal cycle is through an external shock to the system. Clearly not everyone can up sticks the way I did but there are other ways to produce the same effect. No doubt you know best what these could potentially and realistically be for you but I'd say the bigger the better..new location, new career, or a fundamental change to something else that is kind of integral to you.

Probably sounds like two penny therapy and whatever you chose to change it would most likely be a massive pain in the arse to sort out but it worked for me in a sort of minor, impermanent kind of way so if things are truly bleak I'd say consider something like this before something like the other.

Edited 16 August 2017 by BlueBrett

[spacemunky]

6 hours ago, Carl the Llama said:

Wow I wasn't expecting a response that quickly, was thinking I could get away with drinking myself into a stupor (because sitting here clearly isn't getting me there so maybe alcohol will) and waking up sometime tomorrow afternoon to maybe a couple of comments which I could respond to or ignore to at leisure, I certainly didn't expect them within minutes of posting at fvck off oclock in the morning (for me anyway, curse your different time zones).  Really though, thank you both for just simply acknowledging that I exist.  Fck I'm gonna set myself off again I'm a fvcking girl right now this is mental, not cried in years and now it's happening twice in one morning.  Fvck you both..

I think I passed out just after responding.

 

So, you know what my solution is and I'm not sure I recommend it 

 

 

[shen]

@Finnegan

That is really interesting and terrifying to read at the same time.

What you're saying is that it was more or less random that you didn't end it the other day.

That feeling of 'absolutely ruinous lack of hope' is what is truly terrifying, both because that isn't a million miles away from what I occasionally feel, but also because little can paralyze you as much as that.

 

I'm guessing you're feeling different today than that day. How do you deal with the changing moods other than meds? Do you ever feel you have a clear mind?

[TAFKA Castroneves]

1 hour ago, Finnegan said:

@shen

 

Suicidal is a spectrum for me. Some days I fantasise about it and want to do it but what stops me is that what I ACTUALLY want is to see everyone's reaction, see who cries, watch my funeral. I fantasise about my funeral a lot, as silly as that is. 

 

Other days I feel so much despair I do want to die I'm just hopelessly afraid of the limited methods available to me and I'm smart enough to know there is a risk of ****ing it up and being brain damaged. 

 

Then sometimes I just want to make a suicidal gesture, if I'm honest. I want everyone around me to know how much I hurt in the most extreme terms. It's quite a manipulative, desperate desire in that sense. 

 

Then finally, the state I was in last Wednesday and Thursday I actually just got the belt and some cord out and was sincerely ready to hang myself from a door knob. 

 

I couldn't tell you what inspired me to take the one step back from the plan I needed to call samaritans if honest. Maybe just a shot of hope that things weren't entirely over with my ex, dunno. But picking up that phone saved my life even if by accident on the guys part. 

 

It wasn't a gesture, nobody was coming near the flat, I hadn't told anyone, it was just for me. Nobody could really have known or been to blame. 

 

What was I feeling at the time? Just an absolutely ruinous lack of hope. That I was doomed to keep repeating the cycle, that even if I found another Mrs Finners I'd just drive her away and be back here in another five years in the same pain. 

@Finnegan - its hard man but your ex it seems isn't able to support you, mine was the same, i can understand its tough for them being with someone who struggles with the old depression, probably why she just switched off from me completly - the lack of emotion from her about our breakup and her ability to just get on with things makes me feel really shitty even today. To be honest though i actually think she's a bit of a c*nt anyways now and i've probably dodged a bullet by getting out now, it would have hurt either way so what can you do? At least for me the people i now have left in my life are the ones who truly give a shit and have been very supportive, got two top top best mates i've had since childhood and they've been such a source of strength. Bearing in mind i was living with my girlfriend and a mate (gay chap) my best mate Chris was the first person to interviene - and realise that i wasn't doing very well, he turned up randomly at my door from London (200 miles away) as he was worried about me - and he opened my eyes that i was living in a toxic environment where i ended up always the odd one out, i was always wrong etc - and he got me out of there that day, owe him a lot for that. The two of them (my ex and my "mate") ended up always siding together about everything and offered me no support, prefering to be ostriches etc - basically i got pushed to the side because i wasn't well.

 

What i really mean by all that is why it sucks you've lost your misses, it's probably a neccessary pain you were going to have to go through no matter what happened - stay together or not, so just keep trying to get through it, it's a daily minefield no doubt filled with potential pitfalls - but just do what you can, time is a great healer over time - that's one thing i really know for sure with my experiences. You'll get another misses someday mate and she'll be better for ya - i'm sure of it - and it will balance your life out more as well.

 

Yeah avoid the Mirtazipine as well, it's a proper sedative and i hated those pills the worst of all

 

Edit - on the quick issue around suicide, i agree with a lot of what you said there as well man, scary part is eventually that can shift, for me it went from that logic to a firm logic of doom, helplessness and even further beyond that into really not giving a shit anymore. There are times i didn't think it could get anymore darker - but it found a way somehow i think as you get more into the years of dealing with depression as well your tolerance to it gets worse almost, life experiences also can get worse. I'm not trying to sound all doomy but its more to be aware of that as awareness is at least one tool you can have in your mind.

 

2nd Edit - i was feeling proper rough before i wrote all that out, so thanks for sharing your story @Finnegan (and everyone else of course) it's helped me getting through my day today - it helps getting these things out there.

Edited 16 August 2017 by TAFKA Castroneves

[Finnegan]

@TAFKA Castroneves

 

Thank you sir. 

 

@shen

 

It's not particularly random, my moods are a roller-coaster and they do swing hugely between hope and despair but there's nearly always a trigger. Often that trigger is completely fictional and made up by my OCD misinterpreting and innocent stimulus. 

 

Other times it's real. 

 

I mean, I was very relaxed and feeling almost confident this morning whilst talking about all of this. 

 

As I started typing this post,  exMrs Finnners just messaged me to ask if she could come round to the flat after work and all of a sudden I'm an anxious wreck.

 

I've convinced myself I don't care for the last few days and it's built up my strength but all of a sudden I realise she's either coming for the rest of her things or she's going to tell me she's met someone else. No other possibilities in the world. 

 

I know that doesn't directly relate to suicide but it's all connected. It's not about how specifically suicidal I feel on any given day its about just how good or bad I am in general. 

[Webbo]

I don't really know what to say other than hang in there mate. We're all rooting for you.

[shen]

@Finnegan 

At the risk of sounding creepy, I am absorbing what you're saying. And apologies if I get too personal.

 

I, like many men I imagine, am emotionally handicapped in the sense that I was never really taught how to interpret, communicate or deal with my feelings.

 

My first break up hit me like a freight train. I wallowed for months and I doubted whether I would ever find someone. I'd always calmed myself by thinking there will inevitably be one and that I shouldn't spend time worrying about things that are mostly beyond my control. In hindsight, that relationship was never going to work; we were just two horny youngsters craving intimacy and security, little more than that. But at the time I realised I couldn't rationalise my way out of it and needed to accept I felt like shit and acknowledge my emotions.

 

Ever since I feel I've been playing catch up and trying to deal with all these feelings that come flooding. A bit like trying to run when you can't walk.

Talking about them like you do has helped me immensely already, but I'm still a total novice.

 

The way you describe your situation makes me exhausted just by imagining how you must feel throughout the day. I have no idea how you can avoid being held hostage by your own emotions towards her, other than doing what you are doing and eventually face your own fears.

 

What did you hope for/expect when you posted in this thread?

[Finnegan]

@shen

 

My mother has severe MS. She's essentially a vegetable, it's destroyed all physical mobility and most of her cognitive function. She's been getting worse since I was 5/6, by the time I was in my teens she couldn't look after herself and now she's basically a potato. It's killed our family. 

 

My therapist essentially described my depression as a self defence mechanism my brain has created in response. Because I've never grieved or learned to process, I've basically shut out all emotion. 

 

You can't pick and choose to only feel good things so my depression is basically a refusal to feel anything as a compromise. 

 

What then happens is that when a major stimulus happens in my life and some emotion cracks through, I have absolutely no idea how to process it and no sensible, adult experience dealing with it. 

 

This can be silly things, sometimes a particularly happy ending to an animated family film might make me swell up and start to cry because the happiness it evokes in me is something I don't know how to process. 

 

It means when I love, I love intensely, I suppose. Or just not at all. One or another. 

 

What has happened recently is that my relationship has become a problem and my feelings have smashed through the barrier and are now wildly out of control. I can't process what I'm feeling. I'm hysterical one moment, furious the next, completely depressed another. 

 

I went on Tinder just to boost my self esteem and when I got a couple of matches I got such a euphoric sense of "everything is okay" I was back to my absolute, complete best on Monday. I was practically manic. 

 

But now they're not responding and my ex wants to come pick up some more clothes and if she leaves the flat taking some of her sexier pants with her I know I'll be on the floor in bits just like that. 

 

It's chaos. 

[Nick]

3 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

@shen

 

My mother has severe MS. She's essentially a vegetable, it's destroyed all physical mobility and most of her cognitive function. She's been getting worse since I was 5/6, by the time I was in my teens she couldn't look after herself and now she's basically a potato. It's killed our family. 

 

My therapist essentially described my depression as a self defence mechanism my brain has created in response. Because I've never grieved or learned to process, I've basically shut out all emotion. 

 

You can't pick and choose to only feel good things so my depression is basically a refusal to feel anything as a compromise. 

 

What then happens is that when a major stimulus happens in my life and some emotion cracks through, I have absolutely no idea how to process it and no sensible, adult experience dealing with it. 

 

This can be silly things, sometimes a particularly happy ending to an animated family film might make me swell up and start to cry because the happiness it evokes in me is something I don't know how to process. 

 

It means when I love, I love intensely, I suppose. Or just not at all. One or another. 

 

What has happened recently is that my relationship has become a problem and my feelings have smashed through the barrier and are now wildly out of control. I can't process what I'm feeling. I'm hysterical one moment, furious the next, completely depressed another. 

 

I went on Tinder just to boost my self esteem and when I got a couple of matches I got such a euphoric sense of "everything is okay" I was back to my absolute, complete best on Monday. I was practically manic. 

 

But now they're not responding and my ex wants to come pick up some more clothes and if she leaves the flat taking some of her sexier pants with her I know I'll be on the floor in bits just like that. 

 

It's chaos. 

 

On a more practical observation, sexy pants make many women feel good about themselves and help their mood and confidence - they are also probably her favourite ones. It really doesn't mean she's seeing someone else - just that she needs clean pants. Sounds like she'll be struggling a bit too.

 

Hang in there buddy and feel free to PM if you fancy a beer or a coffee. I no longer work 9-5 so am around anytime.

[Col city fan]

4 hours ago, Finnegan said:

@shen

 

My mother has severe MS. She's essentially a vegetable, it's destroyed all physical mobility and most of her cognitive function. She's been getting worse since I was 5/6, by the time I was in my teens she couldn't look after herself and now she's basically a potato. It's killed our family. 

 

My therapist essentially described my depression as a self defence mechanism my brain has created in response. Because I've never grieved or learned to process, I've basically shut out all emotion. 

 

You can't pick and choose to only feel good things so my depression is basically a refusal to feel anything as a compromise. 

 

What then happens is that when a major stimulus happens in my life and some emotion cracks through, I have absolutely no idea how to process it and no sensible, adult experience dealing with it. 

 

This can be silly things, sometimes a particularly happy ending to an animated family film might make me swell up and start to cry because the happiness it evokes in me is something I don't know how to process. 

 

It means when I love, I love intensely, I suppose. Or just not at all. One or another. 

 

What has happened recently is that my relationship has become a problem and my feelings have smashed through the barrier and are now wildly out of control. I can't process what I'm feeling. I'm hysterical one moment, furious the next, completely depressed another. 

 

I went on Tinder just to boost my self esteem and when I got a couple of matches I got such a euphoric sense of "everything is okay" I was back to my absolute, complete best on Monday. I was practically manic. 

 

But now they're not responding and my ex wants to come pick up some more clothes and if she leaves the flat taking some of her sexier pants with her I know I'll be on the floor in bits just like that. 

 

It's chaos. 

Flipping heck Finners, I Really hope your luck turns and I agree with Nick, just cos the lady wants to collect some of her stuff, it doesn't neccessarily mean anything.

Take care mate and try to take one day at a time. I'm assuming you've seen your GP? Make sure you do.

Edited 16 August 2017 by Col city fan

[Nick]

Just now, Col city fan said:

I agree with Nick

Christ, pass me the Flouxetine.

[Carl the Llama]

5 hours ago, bovril said:

You still in Cambridge? I find it can be a miserable place at times. I went through a similar post uni experience. I'm in the city most days if you fancy a beverage and LCFC natter. 

I am, it's been too many years at this point for me to call it 'post uni' though, I turn 28 in a couple of months.  Thanks for the offer but I am not good company, least of all in one-on-one situations, I just become a nervous wreck and spend the time avoiding eye contact and hoping the other party fills all the awkward silences as I take so many nervous sips of beer I'm essentially speed drinking until I get to a point where I've drunk enough to flip the other way entirely and make an idiot of myself.  The only way my friends can get me out of the house right now is when we go bowling, I guess having some minor competition to focus on takes the edge off the social anxiety and provides easy talking points that help me pretend I can be socially conversive after all.   If I do get my shit together and reach a stage where I feel confident enough I would love to take you up on that offer though, Lord knows the lack of any LCFC fans around me irl has definitely been a (relatively minor) source of alienation for me.

 

5 hours ago, Crinklyfox said:

OK Carl I won't quote you but the fact that you've put everything down in one paragraph indicates that you've had that lot boiling up inside you for a while and you've let it out in one go.

 

You come across as having horribly low self esteem right now.  There are a lot of bad things that have happened to you, enough to get anyone down but that doesn't mean you're either a bad person or a hopeless case.  I've always regarded you as one of the good guys with a sense of humour and I still do.

 

Losing sleep only makes a bad situation worse and things often feel worse in the middle of the night.  I'm pleased that you used the insomnia to post, that's far more positive than letting the bad thoughts go round and round in your head.

 

We all get low sometimes  as the result of negative experiences, whether or not we're clinically depressed and when we do we need positive experiences to help us get back to normal.  Friends and family (sometimes) can help, they will have a far better (and more balanced) view of you than you have of yourself right now.  You've said that a counsellor didn't work for you in the past but that doesn't mean a more suitable one wouldn't be able to help moving forward.

 

If you are clinically depressed then you'll firstly need prescription drugs to help break the depressive cycle to go alongside any support that you can get from friends.  So please go see a doctor.  As soon as possible, if you only do one thing today make an appointment.  Because life's all we have, and making it better is so much more desirable than living in pain.  

I tried citalopram back in my uni days alongside the counselling and that did nothing for me other than give me a weird floating sensation every now and then and invoke the mirth of my family who seemed to find it hilarious that I felt the need to take happy pills. amplifying my feelings of uselessness.  So one day after I finished a packet (having upped my dose a 3rd time, can't remember what I was up to but I remember the point being made that it was a remarkably high dosage) I decided to give up and never went back for another prescription. The week immediately afterwards was lots of fun.  I see Finnegan's been working through different chemicals and that's something that never occurred to me to even look into, I guess I should give it a go, I've been meaning to see a doctor for unrelated reasons for a month now but I keep putting that off too.  Unfortunately I've woken up way too late to get an appointment at my clinic but when I see them hopefully tomorrow I'll have to ask, it can't hurt to try can it?

 

4 hours ago, Finnegan said:

@Carl the Llama I have mixed feelings about writing the following. Firstly because the fact I've just fessed up to being suicidal isn't a ringing endorsement and secondly because when people have told me shit like this in the past when I've been depressed I've ignored them and hated them. 

 

But I want to stress that I empathise with your situation entirely. 

 

Remainder edited out for brevity

Thanks Finnegan. Honestly I'm massively humbled reading about your own experience on here and I don't take any of as braggadocio at all, to the contrary it gives me hope to see that even self-destructive cvnts like us have a chance.  I'm really sorry to hear about your ex and I can fully understand how that scenario would only serve to amplify the negative intentions. Hearing about your mother too is just heartbreaking. I've watched 2 grandparents vegetate and that was no picnic, if it was one of my parents I can't imagine the grief that would cause, no matter how alienated from them I feel most of the time.  And I know what you mean about the uncontrollable emotions, this past week I've felt myself welling up at depictions of humane gestures in adverts for goodness sake, it's utterly mad.

 

Please keep us updated on how it goes this afternoon and for the love of God if you need to call Samaritans again and they turn out to be useless please drop in here first so we can try to help, I'd hate for us to lose such a great guy.

 

3 hours ago, shen said:

Sorry for just relating to your story and tell a little of my own, but it was just to say that I empathise a lot with your situation and it resonated.

Don't be either, that's what this whole thread's for.  I appreciate hearing others opening up like this, it gives me some catharsis to hear the problems and successes of others with similarly self-destructive brain chemistry, giving me a broader view of what may lie in store than I previously imagined possible.

 

3 hours ago, MattP said:

I've been through a few tough times myself over the last few months but it really does pale into insignificance reading the last page of this.

 

Fair play to you and Finners for opening up on this thread (I've actually shed a tear at one part) as it's a pretty amazing thing to do and I'm sure it has helped, talking about it is certainly the best thing though in my experience, the biggest hurdle I had in overcoming the problem was speaking to my family about it and then going to see a professional for help - it actually didn't seem that bad once I had confided in those close to me, I always felt I would have huge shame asking for help but I did't and it even felt good to get it all out.

 

I don't really have anything constructive to offer, I just hope you both get back to form and back to your best as quick as possible, you are clearly both people who have so much to offer the World and I hope you find what you want to do soon, whatever it is I'm sure you'll excel at it.

Cheers for your kind words Matt.  I'm actually shocked to hear this, you always sound so confident when you post that you're one of the last people I expected to suffer from depression. I guess it explains why you don't seem to have been posting as much lately. (Or is that just a coincidence?)  It just goes to show none of us are really all that different  when you get down to what matters.