Depression

[Crinklyfox]

5 hours ago, urban.spaceman said:

Thought I was getting better. I was wrong. Back down to 10%. Bugger. 

You probably still are getting better.  Recovery is rarely a straight line progression.  You've been down before and battled your way up and you can do it again.  The fact that you have done it before should give you the strength of knowledge that it's possible.  Life will batter us from time to time but for most of us there will still be good times ahead.

 

 

[Finnegan]

People who've been given anti anxiety meds from the GP, what is the usual first choice prescription at the moment? 

 

For depression I know they tend to go straight in with citalopram as a first choice SSRI at 20mg, or less for work based stress. 

 

But what about anxiety / panic attacks? Low dose benzos? Guessing diazepam? 

[Buce]

13 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

People who've been given anti anxiety meds from the GP, what is the usual first choice prescription at the moment? 

 

For depression I know they tend to go straight in with citalopram as a first choice SSRI at 20mg, or less for work based stress. 

 

But what about anxiety / panic attacks? Low dose benzos? Guessing diazepam? 

 

Not personal experience, but my missus was suffering with anxiety and panic attacks when her father was terminally ill, and she was given 2mg diazepam.

[Finnegan]

Just now, Buce said:

 

Not personal experience, but my missus was suffering with anxiety and panic attacks when her father was terminally ill, and she was given 2mg diazepam.

 

She experience any increased depression? 

[Buce]

Just now, Finnegan said:

 

She experience any increased depression? 

 

To be honest, she wasn't clinically depressed, just (understandably) upset by father's situation, but she was having quite severe panic attacks.

 

 

 

[urban.spaceman]

23 hours ago, spacemunky said:

What happened with taking a trip? 

Hong Kong was £800 quid which I can't really afford, plus my mum kept trying to talk me out of it, which really wasn't helpful. Wanted to go this week but other crap took over instead, flights look decent for a trip to see family/friends in Botswana before the end of the year. Sooooo tempted to do that. 

[urban.spaceman]

19 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I'm not sure we ever get better and then just stay better mate. For me it's just a series of up and downs, peaks and troughs.

 

Some days are good, some days are ok and some days are really shit. Our experience of how we view the world and our situation can change minute by minute, hour by hour.

 

The worry is staying in those downs/troughs (10%) for a sustained amount of time and seeing no way out of it. Then out of the blue something good happens and we're back up again.

 

I'm just trying to give up wanting to be in control of it all. The more I try and control life, the more difficult it gets.

 

So I'm trying to adopt a 'fvck it' attitude to life and just accept it will be a rollercoaster of emotions.

 

I hope you have a better day today - at least 50% and I consider it a good day for me...

Cheers Izzy. Completely agree with you on the downs/troughs theory. That's what it's been like. For me though this (the job offer) was the ultimate peak - everything I'd been hoping for, and everything I'd started planning for, then got turned upsidedown trough no fault of my own. Not only can I not move to my favourite city in my dream job, but I now have to stay in Leicester with my parents. 

 

This is the ultimate low. 

[Izzy]

5 hours ago, urban.spaceman said:

Cheers Izzy. Completely agree with you on the downs/troughs theory. That's what it's been like. For me though this (the job offer) was the ultimate peak - everything I'd been hoping for, and everything I'd started planning for, then got turned upsidedown trough no fault of my own. Not only can I not move to my favourite city in my dream job, but I now have to stay in Leicester with my parents. 

 

This is the ultimate low. 

Life sucks sometimes mate.

 

But just because it feels like the ultimate low at the moment, it doesn't mean you'll never experience the highs at some stage in your life - even if it might feel like that right now.

 

You won't want to hear this and it's no consolation, but believe it or not life could be worse than staying in Leicester with your parents currently.

 

Whenever I find myself feeling hard done to, I try hard to be grateful for what do I have in my life - family, friends, a roof over my head and food in the fridge etc.

 

We all know there are many many people in a worse situation than us and remembering this sometimes puts life into a better perspective for me.

 

I'm convinced you'll look back on this episode one day and learn something positive from it. There's a reason it didn't happen for you this time, but that doesn't mean it will never happen for you ever again.

 

Maybe there's a different 'ultimate peak' mapped out for you that you're not aware of yet. Be open to the possibility that something even bigger and better may be around the corner - you just never know.

 

In the mean time, remember how talented you are and the skills and talents you posses. Try and stay upbeat, resilient and determined and I'm sure one day your dreams will soon come true...

[Izzy]

.

 

Edited 16 August 2017 by Izzy Muzzett

[spacemunky]

36 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

.

 

Similar.

[Carl the Llama]

Really fvcking pathetic but I've been out of work for a month and a half now (had a big disagreement with my boss over pay, I had this strange notion that I deserved enough to live off) and I still can't motivate myself to even update my CV, let alone go out and talk to people about getting work.  I haven't even tried to sign up for universal credit to help pay my rent which means I'm running out of savings quickly (one more month of rent and I'll be as good as bankrupt).  It's really fvcking obvious that these things need to be done immediately and has been since day one of being unemployed but because it requires doing something for me I'm just like who gives a shit, watch a movie and stop thinking about it.  I've even quit smoking weed to stretch my funds further, how ridiculous is that - I've taken what would normally be a positive, affirming step forwards but only because doing so boosts my capacity to not take any further action and allows for further wallowing only this time it's sober wallowing which is probably even worse and because I know how ridiculous my lethargy is it just makes me feel worse which makes me less motivated to put myself out there because obviously everyone who sees me will immediately think I'm a pos and want nothing to do with me so why try to prove that preconception wrong when I can do fvck all and be right about what a pos I am.  It's mental and I can't stop myself from stopping myself.  The biggest problem is this general attitude isn't a new thing caused by my changing situation, I've always had depressive thoughts.  Every single fvcking day since I was at Uni I've declared how I want to die out loud to myself when nobody else is around, not suicidal wanting to die, just wanting to fall asleep and not wake up wanting to die, I could never commit suicide and cause what little pain that might do to anyone who happens to care but I'd be very happy to no longer exist and have to deal with a life where as long as I can remember I've assumed any new person who meets me automatically hates me which has always been a massive social stumbling block (and makes it impossible for the scant relationships I've had to last more than a few weeks before my insecure paranoia fvcks it all up) only until this point I've somehow lucked my way into one job or another through external influences and the minimal number of friends I do manage to make (I suppose because of my inability to get out there and develop new friendships, on the few occasions when I do make a friend it's a good one) and been complacent about sorting myself out because once I'm in a job I'm so fvcking grateful about it that I'm the hardest working cvnt in the place so I always assumed that would pay off but now I know how naive that was and I'm left with no formal qualifications beyond the equivalent of a-levels because of this same self-prevention at uni and subsequently because of broken promises by employers who said they'd get me qualifications on the job but never did. All that adds up to a woefully poor cv even if I do update it so even if I do get myself out there I don't see how I can possibly get a job that will pay me enough to live off since I've got to essentially start from square one all over again.  And now I'm awake at half 4 in the morning when a month ago I could barely stay up past 12 and would wake around 8 meaning I had the chance to make the most of the day but that's another thing I've fvcked up now.  I haven't even told anybody about the situation who isn't aware of it by default meaning none of my family know.  It's all so fvcking simple to solve with just a modicum of self respect but I've never had that and now I don't know what to do because as things stand I'm sleepwalking into homelessness (so if I suddenly disappear one day it won't be because I've offed myself it'll be because I've left it too long and fallen onto the streets) or worse having to move back in with my parents but that would require somehow developing the ability to even talk to them, fact is they probably would offer shelter but I couldn't stand to live with them anyway because I feel like they have a large hand in making me the mess I am today and every time in my adult life that I've been with them for just a few days I can't stop being reminded by their presence about all the ways they let me down during my formative years so I inevitably crack and go into emotional fits over how little control over my life I feel I've had until that point and how angry their failure to give me any meaningful guidance makes me feel especially when I see all the good things they did for my now very successful emotionally stable sisters and the whole scenario becomes messy and painful. On top of that I've only recently moved into a new houseshare anyway (because I could barely afford life as it was so I needed to move and it had to be a houseshare or else I couldnt afford it) but when I moved in I thought I'd lucked out because for the first time in years I have a nice room and the people are nice so I'm actually comfortable in my surroundings so of course I'm going to fvck it all up for myself once again just like I do every couple of years or so.  Anyway I thought I'd write this all down in here because it seems like the correct topic for it and I saw the topic pushed to the top of the site and it made me feel the urge to just vent and keep ventign as though it will make me feel less invisible if strangers on the internet who can't really do anything hear about my situation. Fvck I just want to cry right now and I've not felt like that for at least 4 years so it looks like the cycles are heading towards a worse place than I've been in my life so far and it's all just so fvckign ridiculous that it's all over a very simple thing which I simply can't give enough of a shit about myself to do which obviously makes no sense because I clearly give a shit or I wouldn't be upset about it and I'd be embracing my demise without any sadness or the need to mention it to anybody.  To make things worse I can't even follow the obvious advice I'd give someone else in this scenario of talking to a counsellor because thats something I tried at uni and it never worked for me because I can't open up to anyone about emotional subjects so every session I'd give a close approximation of the problem but I'd never let them see the real issue so obviously they could never have the right information to help and I simply don't have the self determination to follow any of the advice they give anyway so it's all completely pointless and I'm an utter lost cause and I don't know where to go from here, well I do know I just can't make myself do it because I'm a fvcking useless pos intent on making sure I'm correct about the bleak future I imagine for myself whenever I try to think about where my life is going. Sorry for the stream of consciousness bullshit but if I stop to edit and think really carefully about word formation or whatever I'll double guess everything and delete it all and not post it so I'm just kind of running through it all without stopping but of course I don't even know why I am doing that because just like with the counsellors you guys may well have the best advice in the world but it won't mean shit because I won't do anything because I'm a fvcking idiot when it comes to looking out for myself.  Fvcking hell I'd drive hundreds of miles in the freezing cold to help a friend out but when it's me I just don't give a shit and I'm worried this time might be the one that really screws me over.  Again not that it matters because any help offered will fall on deaf useless ears so look, I'm sorry guys I'm going to hit the submit button because I guess I need to vent right now but because I'm a fvckign idiot I just know I'm going to avoid any help you offer me so it's like what's the point? I don't know. Obviously this is a cry for help, that's going to be your first reaction and I can see that clear as day myself but I'll be damned if I let that help get me anywhere so I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm sorry guys.

[spacemunky]

17 minutes ago, Carl the Llama said:

Really fvcking pathetic but I've been out of work for a month and a half now (had a big disagreement with my boss over pay, I had this strange notion that I deserved enough to live off) and I still can't motivate myself to even update my CV, let alone go out and talk to people about getting work.  I haven't even tried to sign up for universal credit to help pay my rent which means I'm running out of savings quickly (one more month of rent and I'll be as good as bankrupt).  It's really fvcking obvious that these things need to be done immediately and has been since day one of being unemployed but because it requires doing something for me I'm just like who gives a shit, watch a movie and stop thinking about it.  I've even quit smoking weed to stretch my funds further, how ridiculous is that - I've taken what would normally be a positive, affirming step forwards but only because doing so boosts my capacity to not take any further action and allows for further wallowing only this time it's sober wallowing which is probably even worse and because I know how ridiculous my lethargy is it just makes me feel worse which makes me less motivated to put myself out there because obviously everyone who sees me will immediately think I'm a pos and want nothing to do with me so why try to prove that preconception wrong when I can do fvck all and be right about what a pos I am.  It's mental and I can't stop myself from stopping myself.  The biggest problem is this general attitude isn't a new thing caused by my changing situation, I've always had depressive thoughts.  Every single fvcking day since I was at Uni I've declared how I want to die out loud to myself when nobody else is around, not suicidal wanting to die, just wanting to fall asleep and not wake up wanting to die, I could never commit suicide and cause what little pain that might do to anyone who happens to care but I'd be very happy to no longer exist and have to deal with a life where as long as I can remember I've assumed any new person who meets me automatically hates me which has always been a massive social stumbling block (and makes it impossible for the scant relationships I've had to last more than a few weeks before my insecure paranoia fvcks it all up) only until this point I've somehow lucked my way into one job or another through external influences and the minimal number of friends I do manage to make (I suppose because of my inability to get out there and develop new friendships, on the few occasions when I do make a friend it's a good one) and been complacent about sorting myself out because once I'm in a job I'm so fvcking grateful about it that I'm the hardest working cvnt in the place so I always assumed that would pay off but now I know how naive that was and I'm left with no formal qualifications beyond the equivalent of a-levels because of this same self-prevention at uni and subsequently because of broken promises by employers who said they'd get me qualifications on the job but never did. All that adds up to a woefully poor cv even if I do update it so even if I do get myself out there I don't see how I can possibly get a job that will pay me enough to live off since I've got to essentially start from square one all over again.  And now I'm awake at half 4 in the morning when a month ago I could barely stay up past 12 and would wake around 8 meaning I had the chance to make the most of the day but that's another thing I've fvcked up now.  I haven't even told anybody about the situation who isn't aware of it by default meaning none of my family know.  It's all so fvcking simple to solve with just a modicum of self respect but I've never had that and now I don't know what to do because as things stand I'm sleepwalking into homelessness (so if I suddenly disappear one day it won't be because I've offed myself it'll be because I've left it too long and fallen onto the streets) or worse having to move back in with my parents but that would require somehow developing the ability to even talk to them, fact is they probably would offer shelter but I couldn't stand to live with them anyway because I feel like they have a large hand in making me the mess I am today and every time in my adult life that I've been with them for just a few days I can't stop being reminded by their presence about all the ways they let me down during my formative years so I inevitably crack and go into emotional fits over how little control over my life I feel I've had until that point and how angry their failure to give me any meaningful guidance makes me feel especially when I see all the good things they did for my now very successful emotionally stable sisters and the whole scenario becomes messy and painful. On top of that I've only recently moved into a new houseshare anyway (because I could barely afford life as it was so I needed to move and it had to be a houseshare or else I couldnt afford it) but when I moved in I thought I'd lucked out because for the first time in years I have a nice room and the people are nice so I'm actually comfortable in my surroundings so of course I'm going to fvck it all up for myself once again just like I do every couple of years or so.  Anyway I thought I'd write this all down in here because it seems like the correct topic for it and I saw the topic pushed to the top of the site and it made me feel the urge to just vent and keep ventign as though it will make me feel less invisible if strangers on the internet who can't really do anything hear about my situation. Fvck I just want to cry right now and I've not felt like that for at least 4 years so it looks like the cycles are heading towards a worse place than I've been in my life so far and it's all just so fvckign ridiculous that it's all over a very simple thing which I simply can't give enough of a shit about myself to do which obviously makes no sense because I clearly give a shit or I wouldn't be upset about it and I'd be embracing my demise without any sadness or the need to mention it to anybody.  To make things worse I can't even follow the obvious advice I'd give someone else in this scenario of talking to a counsellor because thats something I tried at uni and it never worked for me because I can't open up to anyone about emotional subjects so every session I'd give a close approximation of the problem but I'd never let them see the real issue so obviously they could never have the right information to help and I simply don't have the self determination to follow any of the advice they give anyway so it's all completely pointless and I'm an utter lost cause and I don't know where to go from here, well I do know I just can't make myself do it because I'm a fvcking useless pos intent on making sure I'm correct about the bleak future I imagine for myself whenever I try to think about where my life is going. Sorry for the stream of consciousness bullshit but if I stop to edit and think really carefully about word formation or whatever I'll double guess everything and delete it all and not post it so I'm just kind of running through it all without stopping but of course I don't even know why I am doing that because just like with the counsellors you guys may well have the best advice in the world but it won't mean shit because I won't do anything because I'm a fvcking idiot when it comes to looking out for myself.  Fvcking hell I'd drive hundreds of miles in the freezing cold to help a friend out but when it's me I just don't give a shit and I'm worried this time might be the one that really screws me over.  Again not that it matters because any help offered will fall on deaf useless ears so look, I'm sorry guys I'm going to hit the submit button because I guess I need to vent right now but because I'm a fvckign idiot I just know I'm going to avoid any help you offer me so it's like what's the point? I don't know. Obviously this is a cry for help, that's going to be your first reaction and I can see that clear as day myself but I'll be damned if I let that help get me anywhere so I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm sorry guys.

I think it's good you posted it. Even though it's fvcking hard as fuch for me to read as one giant paragraph, and well I'm about 7 pints into the night.

 

I've been overworked at my job for quite some time now. Nice people, but they take me for granted. With my moods, I have to battle the thing where I just tell them to fvck off. I don't have many qualifications, so the idea off starting off at a low wage again keeps me from doing so. 

 

Solid rant mate.

[ozleicester]

32 minutes ago, Carl the Llama said:

Really fvcking pathetic but I've been out of work for a month and a half now (had a big disagreement with my boss over pay, I had this strange notion that I deserved enough to live off) and I still can't motivate myself to even update my CV, let alone go out and talk to people about getting work.  I haven't even tried to sign up for universal credit to help pay my rent which means I'm running out of savings quickly (one more month of rent and I'll be as good as bankrupt).  It's really fvcking obvious that these things need to be done immediately and has been since day one of being unemployed but because it requires doing something for me I'm just like who gives a shit, watch a movie and stop thinking about it.  I've even quit smoking weed to stretch my funds further, how ridiculous is that - I've taken what would normally be a positive, affirming step forwards but only because doing so boosts my capacity to not take any further action and allows for further wallowing only this time it's sober wallowing which is probably even worse and because I know how ridiculous my lethargy is it just makes me feel worse which makes me less motivated to put myself out there because obviously everyone who sees me will immediately think I'm a pos and want nothing to do with me so why try to prove that preconception wrong when I can do fvck all and be right about what a pos I am.  It's mental and I can't stop myself from stopping myself.  The biggest problem is this general attitude isn't a new thing caused by my changing situation, I've always had depressive thoughts.  Every single fvcking day since I was at Uni I've declared how I want to die out loud to myself when nobody else is around, not suicidal wanting to die, just wanting to fall asleep and not wake up wanting to die, I could never commit suicide and cause what little pain that might do to anyone who happens to care but I'd be very happy to no longer exist and have to deal with a life where as long as I can remember I've assumed any new person who meets me automatically hates me which has always been a massive social stumbling block (and makes it impossible for the scant relationships I've had to last more than a few weeks before my insecure paranoia fvcks it all up) only until this point I've somehow lucked my way into one job or another through external influences and the minimal number of friends I do manage to make (I suppose because of my inability to get out there and develop new friendships, on the few occasions when I do make a friend it's a good one) and been complacent about sorting myself out because once I'm in a job I'm so fvcking grateful about it that I'm the hardest working cvnt in the place so I always assumed that would pay off but now I know how naive that was and I'm left with no formal qualifications beyond the equivalent of a-levels because of this same self-prevention at uni and subsequently because of broken promises by employers who said they'd get me qualifications on the job but never did. All that adds up to a woefully poor cv even if I do update it so even if I do get myself out there I don't see how I can possibly get a job that will pay me enough to live off since I've got to essentially start from square one all over again.  And now I'm awake at half 4 in the morning when a month ago I could barely stay up past 12 and would wake around 8 meaning I had the chance to make the most of the day but that's another thing I've fvcked up now.  I haven't even told anybody about the situation who isn't aware of it by default meaning none of my family know.  It's all so fvcking simple to solve with just a modicum of self respect but I've never had that and now I don't know what to do because as things stand I'm sleepwalking into homelessness (so if I suddenly disappear one day it won't be because I've offed myself it'll be because I've left it too long and fallen onto the streets) or worse having to move back in with my parents but that would require somehow developing the ability to even talk to them, fact is they probably would offer shelter but I couldn't stand to live with them anyway because I feel like they have a large hand in making me the mess I am today and every time in my adult life that I've been with them for just a few days I can't stop being reminded by their presence about all the ways they let me down during my formative years so I inevitably crack and go into emotional fits over how little control over my life I feel I've had until that point and how angry their failure to give me any meaningful guidance makes me feel especially when I see all the good things they did for my now very successful emotionally stable sisters and the whole scenario becomes messy and painful. On top of that I've only recently moved into a new houseshare anyway (because I could barely afford life as it was so I needed to move and it had to be a houseshare or else I couldnt afford it) but when I moved in I thought I'd lucked out because for the first time in years I have a nice room and the people are nice so I'm actually comfortable in my surroundings so of course I'm going to fvck it all up for myself once again just like I do every couple of years or so.  Anyway I thought I'd write this all down in here because it seems like the correct topic for it and I saw the topic pushed to the top of the site and it made me feel the urge to just vent and keep ventign as though it will make me feel less invisible if strangers on the internet who can't really do anything hear about my situation. Fvck I just want to cry right now and I've not felt like that for at least 4 years so it looks like the cycles are heading towards a worse place than I've been in my life so far and it's all just so fvckign ridiculous that it's all over a very simple thing which I simply can't give enough of a shit about myself to do which obviously makes no sense because I clearly give a shit or I wouldn't be upset about it and I'd be embracing my demise without any sadness or the need to mention it to anybody.  To make things worse I can't even follow the obvious advice I'd give someone else in this scenario of talking to a counsellor because thats something I tried at uni and it never worked for me because I can't open up to anyone about emotional subjects so every session I'd give a close approximation of the problem but I'd never let them see the real issue so obviously they could never have the right information to help and I simply don't have the self determination to follow any of the advice they give anyway so it's all completely pointless and I'm an utter lost cause and I don't know where to go from here, well I do know I just can't make myself do it because I'm a fvcking useless pos intent on making sure I'm correct about the bleak future I imagine for myself whenever I try to think about where my life is going. Sorry for the stream of consciousness bullshit but if I stop to edit and think really carefully about word formation or whatever I'll double guess everything and delete it all and not post it so I'm just kind of running through it all without stopping but of course I don't even know why I am doing that because just like with the counsellors you guys may well have the best advice in the world but it won't mean shit because I won't do anything because I'm a fvcking idiot when it comes to looking out for myself.  Fvcking hell I'd drive hundreds of miles in the freezing cold to help a friend out but when it's me I just don't give a shit and I'm worried this time might be the one that really screws me over.  Again not that it matters because any help offered will fall on deaf useless ears so look, I'm sorry guys I'm going to hit the submit button because I guess I need to vent right now but because I'm a fvckign idiot I just know I'm going to avoid any help you offer me so it's like what's the point? I don't know. Obviously this is a cry for help, that's going to be your first reaction and I can see that clear as day myself but I'll be damned if I let that help get me anywhere so I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm sorry guys.

Sound like a really bad time for you, sorry about that. Please Do keep pushing forward, there are people who care and time WILL BRING better days. 

[Carl the Llama]

12 minutes ago, spacemunky said:

I think it's good you posted it. Even though it's fvcking hard as fuch for me to read as one giant paragraph, and well I'm about 7 pints into the night.

 

I've been overworked at my job for quite some time now. Nice people, but they take me for granted. With my moods, I have to battle the thing where I just tell them to fvck off. I don't have many qualifications, so the idea off starting off at a low wage again keeps me from doing so. 

 

Solid rant mate.

Just now, ozleicester said:

Sound like a really bad time for you, sorry about that. Please Do keep pushing forward, there are people who care and time WILL BRING better days. 

Wow I wasn't expecting a response that quickly, was thinking I could get away with drinking myself into a stupor (because sitting here clearly isn't getting me there so maybe alcohol will) and waking up sometime tomorrow afternoon to maybe a couple of comments which I could respond to or ignore to at leisure, I certainly didn't expect them within minutes of posting at fvck off oclock in the morning (for me anyway, curse your different time zones).  Really though, thank you both for just simply acknowledging that I exist.  Fck I'm gonna set myself off again I'm a fvcking girl right now this is mental, not cried in years and now it's happening twice in one morning.  Fvck you both..

[Carl the Llama]

Oh you didn't have to quote that wall of misery though, the internet only has so much storage space  

[bovril]

2 hours ago, Carl the Llama said:

Oh you didn't have to quote that wall of misery though, the internet only has so much storage space  

You still in Cambridge? I find it can be a miserable place at times. I went through a similar post uni experience. I'm in the city most days if you fancy a beverage and LCFC natter. 

Edited 16 August 2017 by bovril

[Crinklyfox]

OK Carl I won't quote you but the fact that you've put everything down in one paragraph indicates that you've had that lot boiling up inside you for a while and you've let it out in one go.

 

You come across as having horribly low self esteem right now.  There are a lot of bad things that have happened to you, enough to get anyone down but that doesn't mean you're either a bad person or a hopeless case.  I've always regarded you as one of the good guys with a sense of humour and I still do.

 

Losing sleep only makes a bad situation worse and things often feel worse in the middle of the night.  I'm pleased that you used the insomnia to post, that's far more positive than letting the bad thoughts go round and round in your head.

 

We all get low sometimes  as the result of negative experiences, whether or not we're clinically depressed and when we do we need positive experiences to help us get back to normal.  Friends and family (sometimes) can help, they will have a far better (and more balanced) view of you than you have of yourself right now.  You've said that a counsellor didn't work for you in the past but that doesn't mean a more suitable one wouldn't be able to help moving forward.

 

If you are clinically depressed then you'll firstly need prescription drugs to help break the depressive cycle to go alongside any support that you can get from friends.  So please go see a doctor.  As soon as possible, if you only do one thing today make an appointment.  Because life's all we have, and making it better is so much more desirable than living in pain.  

[Finnegan]

So, citalopram done, flouxetine done, on to sertraline. 

 

Having a great game of happy pills bingo, me. 

 

And I thought my thirties were going to be better than my twenties. 

 

 

Ps: called the Samaritans last Thursday. Can't recommend enough. Although I'm joking about it, I genuinely had my plan and was ready to finish. Phoned Samaritans. In bits. Guy was so, so hilariously ****ing useless it made me genuinely angry. I was like, I'm checking out here and you're a bumbling muppet. 

 

Got so ****ed off and annoyed it actually energised me and lifted my mood. I'm going to pretend it was deliberate reverse psychology. Immense. 

[Finnegan]

@Carl the Llama I have mixed feelings about writing the following. Firstly because the fact I've just fessed up to being suicidal isn't a ringing endorsement and secondly because when people have told me shit like this in the past when I've been depressed I've ignored them and hated them. 

 

But I want to stress that I empathise with your situation entirely. 

 

I have severe attachment issues, an inability to handle either losing people or the risk of it, I can't cope with any kind of rejection or humiliation so I court it rarely. 

 

I dropped out of uni halfway through my second year but it had been going down hill almost as soon as I got there. My first real girlfriend dumped me and it basically destroyed me for years. 

 

Like you, I'm exceptionally clever. There's a lot of brainiacs on here and I'm sure a fair few just think I'm delusional and up myself. But day to day, in real life? I'm the smartest person in most rooms, certainly at work (public sector jokes here) and even when I'm not I'm usually in the podium places at least. 

 

But I bombed uni with nothing to show for it, my CV was three A levels (two As in communications and English lit and a C in general studies I only did because  I needed a third) and some shop experience working in Blockbusters. 

 

I fell further in to depression when I got home, moved back with my dad and never left my bedroom. For a year or so this went on. I briefly got a Christmas temp job at GAME but didn't keep it as I hated upselling their ****ing insurance. 

 

I'm getting to my mid twenties at this point and the sum of the potential everyone's always telling me about is some minimum wage shop work. I've also been mostly single except for the odd extreme long distance weird Internet flings with other mental health cases that you wouldn't touch with a barge pole. 

 

Eventually my dad sold his house and I was homeless. I moved in to a house off narb road with a friend and paid for it with housing benefit and JSA which for me, just going to sign on for, was genuinely very hard work. My "job searching" to satisfy the criteria was auto emailing my shit CV via Reed or jobsite five times a week and wallowing in self pity. 

 

Then the government ran Future Jobs Fund and the job centre pretty much forced me in to a part time, minimum wage job with the council that involved litter picking, graffiti removal, painting fences and pulling weeds. Almost my entire team had prior convictions, no education and no work history. 

 

I grew in confidence regardless, any work was better than nothing. But I also stood out. Once you've got your foot in the door, people start to spot that potential.

 

Over the course of my six odd years here I've gone from sweeping streets to then moving in to an office when they clocked I was better suited to computer work. 

 

Then I moved up internally in to a better office role on more money, then a better one, and so on. I'm now a former labourer that  advises senior management directly with performance management. I've gone from minimum wage to earning wedge so quickly I don't really know what to do with it anymore and there's still big opportunities for me to keep climbing. 

 

I also met my partner (4.5 years punching well above my weight)  here and whilst that's gone very terminally  sour, very quickly in 2017 due to my mental health relapsing (for family reasons) - just before it did so we were about to buy a house and commit our future together. 

 

I'm not trying to rub your face in it. At all. I know there's an extent to which it'll feel like that but my point is that even with an incredibly poor starting position, you can always start climbing. 

 

I'd really recommend the public sector, there's huge emphasis on person focused as opposed to qualifications focused recruitment and once you're in there's big opportunities to climb.

 

People will recognise your intelligence, your charm and your wit once you start trusting them to get you ahead. They're basically all I have and I've not really done too badly. I'm no better than you I'm just a few years ahead. 

 

I used to fob myself off as lucky but I'm not. I'm where I am because I deserve to be and if you're willing to just jump in at the bottom, take any old shit job but never be satisfied with it then so can you be. 

 

So get that CV written and get it out there because if you can get yourself even through the door somewhere then you're going to absolutely blow people away with your wit and personality. 

 

 

 

Edited 16 August 2017 by Finnegan

[TAFKA Castroneves]

27 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

So, citalopram done, flouxetine done, on to sertraline.

Followed the same path as me on the pills mate, im off them all now

 

Citaopram was the most interesting cause it basically did a better job than weed of making me stoned - chemically stoned, however after a couple of weeks of it i was proper miserable - a funny case of getting what i had wanted for so long and then not really wanting it once i was there, really reduced my function and i thought if i didn't get off them i'd probably end up taking them more than i should

 

@Finnegan - you're a top bloke though for being honest about it all, you've gone up in my estimations (you weren't bad in mine anyway don't worry ) but sign of a top bloke that so i appreciate your honesty. Being over-smart is sometimes a massive problem - i've had similar things said about me, it's just hard to get it into the right area of expertise or life sometimes. Lots of support for you anyways mate, i just refreshed and read your life story and it's been a journey, you've done proper well the last few years though - you could be going backwards a bit because your afraid to bollocks it all up after all the work you've done to move forward - and that's stressing you out.

 

It's interesting reading back through the last couple of pages that people's jobs are really affecting them - and someone, (i believe Carl) said it pretty well that it's hard to get motivated to go and find work when you've had a rough time of it - and i'm in that phase right now, don't get me wrong im applying for jobs and going for interviews etc (no luck yet with an actual position somewhere) but my guts telling me this won't end well at all and will probably lead to a brawl with another staff member like my last job, however i've been out of work now for a year technically including my sick time from my previous job so the longer the gap the harder it looks. I've always been a really hard worker, that's why no doubt i've been management for a few retail companies now over the years - but it's taken it's toll and i feel permanently burnt out from it all.

 

I've got a tough few days ahead as my ex-misses is moving back to Canada today and that door is completely closed now that i've turned 30 which makes me sad, Toronto was the place i really felt at home for the first time in my life and it looks unlikely now i'll ever be able to move back - which is a bitter pill to swallow at the moment. Just gonna hang in there for a few days and hopefully things will switch back upwards, the last year the dark bits have got proper dark though, probably age and tiredness of everything over the past few years (in-particular)

[Finnegan]

@TAFKA Castroneves

 

Citalopram can get in the ****ing bin. It made me feel like I needed to piss constantly but I couldn't start a flow. Devastating. Started making me a lot more stressed. Trying to take a piss before going somewhere, knowing you needed to leave to a deadline, ended up sat on the bog trying to actually meditate in to opening the gates. Madness. 

 

Flouxetine even more hilarious. Anorgasmia. Amazing. Sex is one of the most triggering psychological insecurities people have world wide so we're going to market a drug, for already sad and anxious people, THAT FUKS WITH THEIR SEX LIFE. 

 

Unbelievable Jeff. Erections for days, no problem, sex for hours. Sex till it chafes. Just no bloody jizz. Not every time obviously but Christ that was annoying. 

 

So this time I'm on sertraline because it's good for depression and comorbid OCD the latter is what's killed my relationship (became obsessed she was cheating and spent months spying on her, crying and accusing her of things - she wasn't.) Took my first one begrudgingly last night. 

 

Read all the side effects, turns out it's even worse for anorgasmia than flouxetine.

 

The next Mrs Finners is up for some serious sex marathons. 

[shen]

5 hours ago, Carl the Llama said:

I'm sorry guys.

Don't be, Carl. Glad you got it out there. The wife has similar reactions regarding the social side of things and feeling resentment towards her parents for similar reasons you've experienced. I'm still struggling to pick her up, say and do the right things when she loops downwards into those depths. She needs a lot of consolation and affirmation and it's very frustrating not be able to say a magic word that will somehow lock those depths off that she keeps falling into.

 

I'm not unemployed currently, but when I finished uni I went nearly two years on the equivalent of JSA in Denmark. I had no noteworthy experience of failure, I utterly lacked guidance and quickly gave up on serious job searching. Only my wife's intervention got me out of the house and I subsequently landed a job through contacts.

 

But now I'm once more at a stage in my life where I really feel I don't give a fvck about where life takes me. I'm becoming apathetic and disillusioned about a lot of stuff and lack the motivation to do anything to change my life in a positive way. The societal expectations pressure me, which ultimately leads me to cave in. Everything feels like a hassle, a chore and I get nihilistic thoughts quite often. The long illness of my father who passed away last spring and the subsequent inheritance mess probably hasn't helped either. I know what I need to do to get out of this rut, I know I can, but like you Carl I can't seem to muster the energy.

 

Sorry for just relating to your story and tell a little of my own, but it was just to say that I empathise a lot with your situation and it resonated.

 

 

Edited 16 August 2017 by shen

[shen]

@Finnegan Wasn't actually aware how severe the situation has been for you. Respect for telling your story and being open about it. I know the distance of an internet forum makes things easier, but you've been around for a long time and met a few posters as well. You strike me as quite a reserved guy really, so kudos for opening up for the world to see.

[Finnegan]

@shen

 

I've been flirting with opening up a bit more in this thread recently but have always pulled back. Last Thursday I almost signed up anonymously to post when I was sincerely suicidal. 

 

But I have a hunch there's a small dabbling of my work colleagues that are lurkers on here and know who I am. I never wanted anyone really interfering or letting (ex?)  Mrs Finners know. 

 

That's largely not an issue now and I couldn't give much of a **** today. I might regret posting all this later. 

 

[Guest MattP]

I've been through a few tough times myself over the last few months but it really does pale into insignificance reading the last page of this.

 

Fair play to you and Finners for opening up on this thread (I've actually shed a tear at one part) as it's a pretty amazing thing to do and I'm sure it has helped, talking about it is certainly the best thing though in my experience, the biggest hurdle I had in overcoming the problem was speaking to my family about it and then going to see a professional for help - it actually didn't seem that bad once I had confided in those close to me, I always felt I would have huge shame asking for help but I did't and it even felt good to get it all out.

 

I don't really have anything constructive to offer, I just hope you both get back to form and back to your best as quick as possible, you are clearly both people who have so much to offer the World and I hope you find what you want to do soon, whatever it is I'm sure you'll excel at it.