Depression

[Kopfkino]

@the fox it's not so much i have a fear of letting other people down, it's more I use that as a channel for not wanting to let myself down but I don't care for myself enough for that to be the initial driver. I can't make that sound like it makes sense but that's how it is. But you're right I do have a problem with beating myself up and actually what you say about looking at things slightly differently is useful. The strange thing is, I back myself whichever path I choose, it's just this initial insecurity getting the better of me/looking at the mountain I have to climb if I don't resume uni. It might be easier if I didn't have to see my peers getting on whilst I flail around not going very far.

 

@Carl the Llama you've actually got this bang on and is what rational me would be telling someone else. You're right that I do have these negative tendencies but only when it comes to things about myself like this. In any situation that isn't directly about me, I will look for the positives and forge the path through, as soon as it's something like this I look for every reason why not etc. As I said above, resuming uni is kind of the easy option and so right now I'm put off by what feels like a mountain in front of me of entering the working world without that bit of paper. I back my own abilities but getting someone else to without the token piece of paper is scaring me rn.

Yeah my taking a break didn't last and you are entirely right actually, this has produced a better outcome in my mind than a similar conversation irl. Good folk on here

 

@Crinklyfox I absolutely realise what you are saying and as I have said, I have always been one to be so heavily critical of myself and demand more from myself, particularly when I don't get things absolutely right. And it is pretty much self harm; whereas some people might use blades etc, I just destroy my own brain. I guess I do have a problem of always wanting more and not just accepting and enjoying what I have, but I'm always of the belief when I get that more, I will be more content. Interestingly I have tried CBT and not got on with it at all. Maybe it was just the therapist and I could try some self help or a different therapist but it just felt like bullshit to me. It's all very well telling me how to think in different moment or change the way I react, but it's not that I don't realise that in the first, it's just that's not how I am. Maybe I didn't invest in it properly because I thought it was bullshit and I should give it another proper chance. I mean none of the treatments for mental health that I have had have really worked for me. I hate anti-depressants and don't really think they work, certainly not beneficial enough for some of the side effects. Despise them with all my body. CBT just didn't seem to work. Talking therapy did work but it was temporary. I've kind of just learnt to deal with things and work it out myself. Realised that using alcohol is definitely not good for it long-term and other drugs aren't viable options even if they may help. Splitting up with gf has done the most good tbh

 

@Swan Lesta I have considered it but I don't really see anywhere else for me and it feels like it's just kicking the problem to some new geographical location, like the grass isn't always greener. Uni exacerbates my problems but they were there for a time before I came anyway. Going back, if I was to still choose uni, I wouldn't come here but I'm not sure anything is solved by going elsewhere now. New people would be a bonus however.

 

Anyway, thanks guys. You're good guys. This is a great place and it's so heartening to see randomers helping each other in a place they have all been brought to because of a crazy football club. I dare say I will be frequenting this thread in the early hours a few more times so I apologise for my whining in advance. I say whining cos my mental state has been far worse in the past so it feels more like whining. And for anyone struggling rn, our heads plunges us into some dark places sometimes, but there is a way out and happiness at the end of it.

 

[Izzy]

@KingGTF

Somebody once told me that "happiness leads to success, much more often than success leads to happiness"

 

I thought it was BS at first, but over time I've understood it to be true (I know a few 'successful' people who are very unhappy and depressed)

 

Far too many people in life (me included sometimes) go through life with a "I'll be happy when..." attitude. (E.g. when I meet the right woman, graduate with honours, find the perfect job, pay off the mortgage, retire, win the lottery, etc, etc)

 

Thats no way to live our lives I don't reckon. I try to live by "be happy NOW" instead, and hopefully that then leads to success and fulfilment.

 

You sound like me a few years ago. Someone with perfectionist tendencies and a craving for certainty.

I'm now a recovering perfectionist and am learning to dance with, and embrace the uncertainty of life instead.

 

Its all mapped out, pre determined and meant to be for everyone anyway IMO, so might as well just say fvck it really 

 

 

[the fox]

14 minutes ago, KingGTF said:

@the fox it's not so much i have a fear of letting other people down, it's more I use that as a channel for not wanting to let myself down but I don't care for myself enough for that to be the initial driver. I can't make that sound like it makes sense but that's how it is. But you're right I do have a problem with beating myself up and actually what you say about looking at things slightly differently is useful. The strange thing is, I back myself whichever path I choose, it's just this initial insecurity getting the better of me/looking at the mountain I have to climb if I don't resume uni. It might be easier if I didn't have to see my peers getting on whilst I flail around not going very far.

 

 

 

Good thing you have confidence in yourself, that will take you places. Most people have insecurities one way or the other. Its always that inner thought/monologue that makes you question your ability to fight through hardship. 

 

And get rid of the idea of fearing to be left behind while others are doing better than you. You already had enough sticks to beat yourself with, the last thing you Need is another addition to your collection. Look at it like a fruit. Different fruits will show different results at different times. Just because others are starting to taste the result doesn't mean your fruit (in this case, your hard work and education) are no good. There is no time limit. 

 

As cheezy as some quotes in the internet sound, the "whenever yo feel like giving up, think of all the people that would love to see you fail" is always in the back of my mind. It really helped me to endure hardships.

[Kopfkino]

@Izzy Muzzett I genuinely have no understanding of how to do that though. I can't feel happy unless something is right or as I determine it should be, cos there's always room for improvement. It's not that I'm not able to live in the moment, it's just when that moment dies down, it's a case of wanting it again and wanting it more. (I'm not quite as rabid as that sounds). Fair play to you for managing that, I struggle to see how to get there.

 

@the fox that quote is one I should think of more often. I do revel in sticking to fingers up to those that lost faith in me or for whatever reason have a dislike for me, in fact I set about doing that. Maybe I can be a tad acrimonious but I should remember that one to drive me on.

[HybridFox]

On the road to recovery over the past month or so.

Nothing medically yet as having delays registering back with my local GP again as I've been away at uni. But starting to make lifestyle changes to help.

Recent bouts of good news has started to ease the pressure and showing signs I can get out of this depression.

 

However, I don't know if it's the same with others but my feelings have somewhat changed in the process but not sure in the right way. I tend to feel less down as I used to but get easily irritated and often snap at people.

I don't know if it's me being defiant or forcefully wanting things my way. But I just feel so aggitated and angry sometimes over the smallest of things.

 

Sometimes I feel as if I come across as a bit of a knob now but I genuinely don't mean it. Just how I've started reacting these days.

 

Just curious to know if anyone else went through this "phase" when recovering from depression. And how you got out of it

Edited 12 July 2017 by TK95

[Crinklyfox]

7 hours ago, TK95 said:

On the road to recovery over the past month or so.

Nothing medically yet as having delays registering back with my local GP again as I've been away at uni. But starting to make lifestyle changes to help.

Recent bouts of good news has started to ease the pressure and showing signs I can get out of this depression.

 

However, I don't know if it's the same with others but my feelings have somewhat changed in the process but not sure in the right way. I tend to feel less down as I used to but get easily irritated and often snap at people.

I don't know if it's me being defiant or forcefully wanting things my way. But I just feel so aggitated and angry sometimes over the smallest of things.

 

Sometimes I feel as if I come across as a bit of a knob now but I genuinely don't mean it. Just how I've started reacting these days.

 

Just curious to know if anyone else went through this "phase" when recovering from depression. And how you got out of it

Good news, thanks for letting us know.

 

As you say it is the road to recovery.  It's not a single moment in time when you are 'cured' and are never depressed again, it's a gradual process with ups and downs and you will have times when you feel better than others.  

 

When I was depressed my resistance to negative events and thoughts was low, the smallest bad event felt like a big one.  The analogy I use is that it's like when the shock absorbers on your car have gone and you feel every little bump in the road that you didn't even notice before.  Your resistance gets worn away with time but the good news is, unlike a car, your resistance can recover.  As you overcome depression you become more able to handle the negative events so they have less of an effect on you than when you were at your lowest point.  So please don't beat yourself up because you're not fully recovered yet, it's great to see that you're on the way.

[Izzy]

On 7/13/2017 at 00:17, KingGTF said:

@Izzy Muzzett I genuinely have no understanding of how to do that though. I can't feel happy unless something is right or as I determine it should be, cos there's always room for improvement. It's not that I'm not able to live in the moment, it's just when that moment dies down, it's a case of wanting it again and wanting it more. (I'm not quite as rabid as that sounds). Fair play to you for managing that, I struggle to see how to get there.

 

Fvckin el mate, you sound like a right control freak! 

 

I can't think of many things in my life that are exactly how I determine they should be - in fact hardly anything. Whether things are right or not is a very black and white view on life and I've realised over the years that it's all just various shades of grey anyway. You've obviously got very strong values and beliefs on this, so I wonder where they came from?

 

You've set the bar very high for yourself if you think there's always room for improvement. If you're never satisfied then I'm not surprised you're not happy. And this is all internal pressure that you're putting on yourself. How do you know there's always room for improvement anyway?

 

I've noticed that when I'm down and not happy, the easiest way to feel happy again is to think about what I'm grateful for in life. I'm sure you've got many, many things to be grateful for and when we're grateful, we're happy. 

 

There's so much in life we just can't control which is outside of our sphere of influence. Learning to 'let go' of what we can't control is liberating and just allowing ourselves to 'control the controllables' is all we can do.

 

And what is it that you want again and want more of? And it's always just a feeling that we strive for by the way - every time.

 

We can't expect to be happy all the time - life's just not like that. We're designed to feel a wide range of positive and negative emotions all the time. Life is a series of up's and down's for all of us and we have to acknowledge and accept that. We've got to experience the lows to appreciate the high's...

[Finnegan]

I almost never have sleep problems. I'm a very sleepy depressive, I'm very tired by ten o'clock most nights and I tend to sleep immediately. 

 

A couple of you (Bellend, James maybe) may remember I had problems with an upstairs neighbor a few years back that caused some insomnia and I got in to an awkward habit of being afraid to go to bed because I was trying too hard to sleep.

 

Friday night was an exception to my norm, I literally didn't sleep at all. I had a panic attack that kept me up the whole night.

 

I napped a couple times Saturday out of exhaustion but nothing major. I went to bed at 9pm completely calm and ready to get back to normal. But sleep wouldn't come. I was utterly exhausted but I got sucked back in to the same old loop of trying too hard to sleep. 

 

All of the mindfulness stuff about relaxing parts of your body in turn and focusing on your breathing just did **** all. It took me three hours of that to go to sleep and it was crap sleep, woke up a few more times.

 

I'm not willing to risk that again tonight before work so I just dropped one of my girlfriend's 3.75mg zopiclone tablets.

 

Anyone got any experience with the stuff? What should I expect? How does it stack up against simple nytol?

[tom27111]

I feel a bit guilty that I've not kept up to speed with this thread, especially as as it was pretty much the only thing keeping me going a few months ago.

 

If I can help anyone, please hit me up with a pm. Even if it's because you can't sleep at 4am and want a chat.

 

There are some some bloody amazing people on here.

 

And don't, for 1 second, be scared of talking.

 

It's a process to become better and trust me, it does happen x

[Buce]

9 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

I almost never have sleep problems. I'm a very sleepy depressive, I'm very tired by ten o'clock most nights and I tend to sleep immediately. 

 

A couple of you (Bellend, James maybe) may remember I had problems with an upstairs neighbor a few years back that caused some insomnia and I got in to an awkward habit of being afraid to go to bed because I was trying too hard to sleep.

 

Friday night was an exception to my norm, I literally didn't sleep at all. I had a panic attack that kept me up the whole night.

 

I napped a couple times Saturday out of exhaustion but nothing major. I went to bed at 9pm completely calm and ready to get back to normal. But sleep wouldn't come. I was utterly exhausted but I got sucked back in to the same old loop of trying too hard to sleep. 

 

All of the mindfulness stuff about relaxing parts of your body in turn and focusing on your breathing just did **** all. It took me three hours of that to go to sleep and it was crap sleep, woke up a few more times.

 

I'm not willing to risk that again tonight before work so I just dropped one of my girlfriend's 3.75mg zopiclone tablets.

 

Anyone got any experience with the stuff? What should I expect? How does it stack up against simple nytol?

 

I suffer with periods of insomnia, and occasionally take Zopiclone to break the cycle; I find it highly effective, with no drowsiness the following day.

 

Two things, though, Finners: a) it's relatively highly dependency forming, so either just use it to reset your sleep pattern, or withdraw from it gradually if you use it for longer, and b) I wouldn't recommend it if you are feeling more than mildly depressed as it can have a depressive effect.

[Izzy]

11 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

I almost never have sleep problems. I'm a very sleepy depressive, I'm very tired by ten o'clock most nights and I tend to sleep immediately. 

 

A couple of you (Bellend, James maybe) may remember I had problems with an upstairs neighbor a few years back that caused some insomnia and I got in to an awkward habit of being afraid to go to bed because I was trying too hard to sleep.

 

Friday night was an exception to my norm, I literally didn't sleep at all. I had a panic attack that kept me up the whole night.

 

I napped a couple times Saturday out of exhaustion but nothing major. I went to bed at 9pm completely calm and ready to get back to normal. But sleep wouldn't come. I was utterly exhausted but I got sucked back in to the same old loop of trying too hard to sleep. 

 

All of the mindfulness stuff about relaxing parts of your body in turn and focusing on your breathing just did **** all. It took me three hours of that to go to sleep and it was crap sleep, woke up a few more times.

 

I'm not willing to risk that again tonight before work so I just dropped one of my girlfriend's 3.75mg zopiclone tablets.

 

Anyone got any experience with the stuff? What should I expect? How does it stack up against simple nytol?

You'll probably be asleep by now 

 

I was on zopiclone for about 6 months a few years ago. Did the job for me but I became dependent and found it really difficult to wean myself off it. I ended up having to cut the small pills into half and then quarters with a Stanley knife to reduce my dosage.

 

Expect to be knocked out initially as it's a mild tranquilliser, but also expect to get hooked if you're that way inclined.

 

I wouldn't recommend taking your GF's meds though, you should really discuss with your GP and get your own tailored scrip mate...

[Buce]

6 minutes ago, tom27111 said:

I feel a bit guilty that I've not kept up to speed with this thread, especially as as it was pretty much the only thing keeping me going a few months ago.

 

If I can help anyone, please hit me up with a pm. Even if it's because you can't sleep at 4am and want a chat.

 

There are some some bloody amazing people on here.

 

And don't, for 1 second, be scared of talking.

 

It's a process to become better and trust me, it does happen x

 

It's great you're feeling better, Tom.

 

I think we all get a buzz when one of us comes through it.

[tom27111]

1 minute ago, Buce said:

 

It's great you're feeling better, Tom.

 

I think we all get a buzz when one of us comes through it.

 

Cheers, I'd take a hell of a lot of you for a beer.

 

But I can't, because alcohol is a depressant! 

 

But seriously, a lot of you made the difference for me. And you all know who you are.

 

Bloody angels.

 

If only the worst thing we had to worry about was a purple rectangle on a replica shirt 

[Finnegan]

Yeah I read the NHS deets, won't take it more than once let alone for weeks hopefully. 

 

I just don't want to risk another crap night sleep and I've had Sense of Impending Doom all day so I know I'm absolutely wired on cortisol and probably won't sleep without help. 

 

Feeling pretty chilled already not gonna lie. 

[Nick]

20 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

Yeah I read the NHS deets, won't take it more than once let alone for weeks hopefully. 

 

I just don't want to risk another crap night sleep and I've had Sense of Impending Doom all day so I know I'm absolutely wired on cortisol and probably won't sleep without help. 

 

Feeling pretty chilled already not gonna lie. 

Take 20 mins before bed - do it only once every few weeks when required it zonks you a tad the next day and you can feel a little hazy but they are nothing to worry about buddy - just don't use them on a regular basis.

[cambridgefox]

Said it before and will say it again.

There are some fantastic people on here,whether it's someone who is brave enough to share their experiences,or someone trying to help.You are all people who can be very proud of yourselves.

[tom27111]

3 minutes ago, cambridgefox said:

Said it before and will say it again.

There are some fantastic people on here,whether it's someone who is brave enough to share their experiences,or someone trying to help.You are all people who can be very proud of yourselves.

Spot on.

 

It feels like there's a stigma or taboo around mental health, there shouldn't be.

 

It takes blokes years to overcome stuff and open up, but places like this are great for it.

 

Bravo to everyone involved here.

[RODNEY FERNIO]

Interesting related topic on Talk Sport at the moment with an interview with Clark Carlisle ... articulate , lucid  guy ... but there is a lot going on his head

[tom27111]

37 minutes ago, RODNEY FERNIO said:

Interesting related topic on Talk Sport at the moment with an interview with Clark Carlisle ... articulate , lucid  guy ... but there is a lot going on his head

 

A very intriguing person. Proves that money can't buy happiness. 

 

Always comes across as such a lovely bloke, but has serious demons.

 

It's amazing that he talks about it, more people should.

 

I hope he and Joey Barton crossed paths at Burnley and Clarke put that little cvnt in his place!

 

 

[Finnegan]

Holy shit I could sleep til November. 

[Izzy]

14 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

Holy shit I could sleep til November. 

it's good gear though ain't it!!

[Crinklyfox]

10 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

Holy shit I could sleep til November. 

Insomnia is horrendous, I've had some experience of it completely unrelated to depression (though depression can lead to shortened periods of sleep).  Basically my insomnia was stress-related and it sounds like yours is too.  Because I had suffered from lack of sleep and felt awful the next day I became concerned that the same thing would recur the next night, and that led to me going to bed worried rather than relaxed.  Adrenaline doesn't help sleep, so I'd then fail to sleep again and become more stressed.  I only tended to sleep at the end of a long night awake when I finally accepted that I wouldn't get any sleep and relaxed.

 

I tried over the counter substances like Nytol but they were useless, I had to get prescription sleeping pills first to break the cycle of sleep deprivation and secondly just the knowledge that I had them and could take them if necessary helped me to relax at night and get some natural sleep.  Zopiclone was one of the drugs I was prescribed but I found it to be very powerful - I took two tablets the first time and was a zombie for most of the next day after getting a full night's sleep.  I found that I didn't need so much so invested in a tablet cutter.  Now I only suffer from insomnia rarely but if I do need to take Zopiclone I cut the tablet in half, and half does the trick for me.  It's worth a try.

[Finnegan]

Yeah it was pretty intense. 

 

It's like having training wheels on though, sooner or later I'm going to have to take the wheels off and get a night's kip on my own. 

 

Tomorrow evening I have an assessment at Rutland House which is going to be interesting. I'm currently in my worst relapse since the age of about 21 and it's pretty much ruining my relationship of 4.5 years. 

 

To say I'm anxious would be an under statement of extremes. 

 

I'd love to know what the cortisol level in my blood stream is right now. It feels like 99%.

 

I can't remember what serotonin feels like. 

[Buce]

1 minute ago, Finnegan said:

Yeah it was pretty intense. 

 

It's like having training wheels on though, sooner or later I'm going to have to take the wheels off and get a night's kip on my own. 

 

Tomorrow evening I have an assessment at Rutland House which is going to be interesting. I'm currently in my worst relapse since the age of about 21 and it's pretty much ruining my relationship of 4.5 years. 

 

To say I'm anxious would be an under statement of extremes. 

 

I'd love to know what the cortisol level in my blood stream is right now. It feels like 99%.

 

I can't remember what serotonin feels like. 

 

Have you considered asking your GP for a tranquiliser - diazepam or similar?

 

It would lower your anxiety levels and will also help you sleep without resorting to sleeping pills.

[Finnegan]

7 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Have you considered asking your GP for a tranquiliser - diazepam or similar?

 

It would lower your anxiety levels and will also help you sleep without resorting to sleeping pills.

 

I'll see what the head shrinker says tomorrow. 

 

Up until this weekend I was refusing to get back on any drugs. I don't like them, they cause more problems than they solve. I've only ever taken ssris, never any short term meds for panic attacks. 

 

But I could seriously go for some xanax about now. Yesterday was awful, I had Sense of  Impending Doom all day, couldn't think, couldn't eat, was crippling. I wouldn't mind but it wasn't about anything specific. 

 

Last Tuesday I had a couple of epic, enormous panic attacks but they were like thunder storms. Really cleared the air. I felt great Weds Thursday and Friday. Then Friday night, just boom. 

Edited 17 July 2017 by Finnegan