Depression

[Col city fan]

1 minute ago, Swan Lesta said:

Christ, pass me the Flouxetine.

Don't be daft. I often agree with you. I just don't tell you I do. It keeps the online banter going.

 

[shen]

@Finnegan

Your family circumstances do indeed go a long way to explaining your behavioral patterns.

Are you still seeing a therapist?

 

My own dad got early-onset Alzheimers and was diagnosed 5 years ago at the age of 63. It was noticeable, and had been a problem, for over 7 years.

It completely drained me and my sister. Not only did we have to deal with our own volatile lives, now we had to fight the system for a gruelling 2½ years to actually recognise his disease and offer support, deal with the constant external pressure from the rest of the family, a house renovation project which had more or less bankrupted him not to mention the 'loss' of our father.

 

(He eventually died from aesophagus cancer in March last year, ironically because he could no longer function cognitively and explain that he couldn't swallow. Doctors didn't pick it up because they scanned his stomach (ulcer history) and his bowels as he also suffered from constipation. By the time they figured it out it was too late.)

 

When I look back on that period, my sister and I dealt with it in wildly different ways. I distanced myself to the point where I struggled to be together with him more than a few hours. I had stopped thinking of him as my actual father - the one I grew up with and remember fondly - and more like an elder that I was forced to take care of by virtue of family duty. I accepted that I had lost my father for good even when he was still alive and more or less coherent.

 

My sister on the other hand went in the completely different direction. From rarely visiting him (as she was living in Belgium and Paris at the time), ditched her boyfriend and job and finally moved in with him to care of him. She would be as much with him as possible and only admitted a few months before he died that it was getting too hard for her.

 

By then he had been aggressive and threatening towards her, he needed to wear diapers and he was no longer able to make sense verbally. He would be confused, unpredictable and very volatile. But even when he moved into a nursing home, she more or less moved in with him.

She never wanted to accept that he was disappearing and ultimately dying.

These days she has kept his dog and is completely fixated and obsessed with it.

 

I was in constant conflict with myself, having bad conscience and feelings of guilt on one hand for not being there for him (and my sister) more and on the other hand persisting with my detachment and protecting myself emotionally.

I think I am more or less OK with it now - I made the speech of my life for his eulogy at the church, which I am very proud of - and a lot of that is down to being forced to face the feelings and having someone I could talk to about it.

 

Seeing my sister's reactions up to and after his passing convinces me that how I dealt with it was right and faithful to myself and I'm just as convinced that what she did/is doing is destructive for her.

 

I would strongly urge you to deal with your emotions towards your mother. It is incredibly hard and draining, but I'm certain it will release so much internal pressure in you.

 

[Col city fan]

8 minutes ago, shen said:

@Finnegan

Your family circumstances do indeed go a long way to explaining your behavioral patterns.

Are you still seeing a therapist?

 

My own dad got early-onset Alzheimers and was diagnosed 5 years ago at the age of 63. It was noticeable, and had been a problem, for over 7 years.

It completely drained me and my sister. Not only did we have to deal with our own volatile lives, now we had to fight the system for a gruelling 2½ years to actually recognise his disease and offer support, deal with the constant external pressure from the rest of the family, a house renovation project which had more or less bankrupted him not to mention the 'loss' of our father.

 

(He eventually died from aesophagus cancer in March last year, ironically because he could no longer function cognitively and explain that he couldn't swallow. Doctors didn't pick it up because they scanned his stomach (ulcer history) and his bowels as he also suffered from constipation. By the time they figured it out it was too late.)

 

When I look back on that period, my sister and I dealt with it in wildly different ways. I distanced myself to the point where I struggled to be together with him more than a few hours. I had stopped thinking of him as my actual father - the one I grew up with and remember fondly - and more like an elder that I was forced to take care of by virtue of family duty. I accepted that I had lost my father for good even when he was still alive and more or less coherent.

 

My sister on the other hand went in the completely different direction. From rarely visiting him (as she was living in Belgium and Paris at the time), ditched her boyfriend and job and finally moved in with him to care of him. She would be as much with him as possible and only admitted a few months before he died that it was getting too hard for her.

 

By then he had been aggressive and threatening towards her, he needed to wear diapers and he was no longer able to make sense verbally. He would be confused, unpredictable and very volatile. But even when he moved into a nursing home, she more or less moved in with him.

She never wanted to accept that he was disappearing and ultimately dying.

These days she has kept his dog and is completely fixated and obsessed with it.

 

I was in constant conflict with myself, having bad conscience and feelings of guilt on one hand for not being there for him (and my sister) more and on the other hand persisting with my detachment and protecting myself emotionally.

I think I am more or less OK with it now - I made the speech of my life for his eulogy at the church, which I am very proud of - and a lot of that is down to being forced to face the feelings and having someone I could talk to about it.

 

Seeing my sister's reactions up to and after his passing convinces me that how I dealt with it was right and faithful to myself and I'm just as convinced that what she did/is doing is destructive for her.

 

I would strongly urge you to deal with your emotions towards your mother. It is incredibly hard and draining, but I'm certain it will release so much internal pressure in you.

 

Bless you mate. Shows there is no right nor wrong in how we all handle grief. Although there are clearly defined stages to grieving, how we handle each stage is so individual. 

You should be proud of your speech in the church too. That must have been difficult. I don't mean to patronize btw, just to say well done for getting through all this.

[Izzy]

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed reading all these posts and I don't know who to respond to first...

 

One thing I do know is how brave some of you are and what a pussy I am. Last night I wrote a long post and then made the mistake of re-reading it and then deleting it.

 

But at least my bottle job bumped this thread back up and others have said what they've said since.

 

All of your issues have put mine into more perspective so thank you. 

 

This thread is both incredible but also a little concerning that so many of us are struggling.

 

My thoughts are with you all right now. 

[Finnegan]

It's an Internet forum, of course none of us are well adjusted. 

 

If we were we wouldn't have thousands of posts on an Internet forum. 

[Izzy]

4 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

It's an Internet forum, of course none of us are well adjusted. 

 

If we were we wouldn't have thousands of posts on an Internet forum. 

True.

 

There's been many a time I've thought about binning off FT and getting a life instead 

[Jon the Hat]

6 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

It's an Internet forum, of course none of us are well adjusted. 

 

If we were we wouldn't have thousands of posts on an Internet forum. 

You make a good point there Finners.  I hope this evening goes ok, and make sure you come on here and tell us what is going on. I for one want to hear more about the knickers.

[Finnegan]

3 minutes ago, Jon the Hat said:

You make a good point there Finners.  I hope this evening goes ok, and make sure you come on here and tell us what is going on. I for one want to hear more about the knickers.

 

She a entering the building now. I've got anger mode on ready. Let's go. 

[Jon the Hat]

8 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

 

She a entering the building now. I've got anger mode on ready. Let's go. 

From what you said you understand that your illness has stuffed this up for you both, and I am sure she is also hurting.  Take it easy.

[Crinklyfox]

3 hours ago, Finnegan said:

@shen

 

Suicidal is a spectrum for me. Some days I fantasise about it and want to do it but what stops me is that what I ACTUALLY want is to see everyone's reaction, see who cries, watch my funeral. I fantasise about my funeral a lot, as silly as that is. 

 

Other days I feel so much despair I do want to die I'm just hopelessly afraid of the limited methods available to me and I'm smart enough to know there is a risk of ****ing it up and being brain damaged. 

 

Then sometimes I just want to make a suicidal gesture, if I'm honest. I want everyone around me to know how much I hurt in the most extreme terms. It's quite a manipulative, desperate desire in that sense. 

 

Then finally, the state I was in last Wednesday and Thursday I actually just got the belt and some cord out and was sincerely ready to hang myself from a door knob. 

 

I couldn't tell you what inspired me to take the one step back from the plan I needed to call samaritans if honest. Maybe just a shot of hope that things weren't entirely over with my ex, dunno. But picking up that phone saved my life even if by accident on the guys part. 

 

It wasn't a gesture, nobody was coming near the flat, I hadn't told anyone, it was just for me. Nobody could really have known or been to blame. 

 

What was I feeling at the time? Just an absolutely ruinous lack of hope. That I was doomed to keep repeating the cycle, that even if I found another Mrs Finners I'd just drive her away and be back here in another five years in the same pain. 

This is the evil essence of depression.  No matter how others may feel about your situation it's how you feel about it that impacts on your life.  

 

There are very few situations which are hopeless.  I know how it feels to want to end what seems like an endless stream of bad life experiences but in hindsight I can see how warped that viewpoint was.  When I was depressed I desperately wanted to end my suffering but what I really wanted was to be well, not to die.  I knew that but had to fight my desire to just give up because I was so knackered.  If I hadn't had a family that needed me I don't know what I would have done.  I still have nightmares about the overseas business trip I took when I was suffering from depression where at 2am I was gripping the bed as hard as I could because I knew if I let go I'd throw myself out of the window of my hotel.  Years later I can see that I wasn't looking at my life in the right way and managing my illness and thankfully those dark days are well behind me.  The point I'm trying to make is that no matter how bad it seems it can get better.  You are not doomed to repeat your history.

[Crinklyfox]

17 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

True.

 

There's been many a time I've thought about binning off FT and getting a life instead 

Don't go Izzy we need you.

[Buce]

26 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

True.

 

There's been many a time I've thought about binning off FT and getting a life instead 

 

32 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

It's an Internet forum, of course none of us are well adjusted. 

 

If we were we wouldn't have thousands of posts on an Internet forum. 

 

26 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

True.

 

There's been many a time I've thought about binning off FT and getting a life instead 

 

Sounds great.

 

Where do you download that?

[Izzy]

7 minutes ago, Crinklyfox said:

Don't go Izzy we need you.

That's very kind of you mate 

 

The sad thing is that it's midday here in Orlando and 95 degrees outside. I should be playing in the pool now with the wife and kids but instead I'm sat in our apartment alone posting on here 

 

I've got no energy to have fun any more and everything feels like such a hassle at the moment. It's too hot, too busy, kids are playing up, wife's got the arse with me etc. etc. 

 

I sound like such an ungrateful cvnt as I know many people would give their right arm to swap places with me now.

 

I've been looking forward to this holiday for nine months but now I can't wait to come home.

 

Sad really...

 

 

[Crinklyfox]

22 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

That's very kind of you mate 

 

The sad thing is that it's midday here in Orlando and 95 degrees outside. I should be playing in the pool now with the wife and kids but instead I'm sat in our apartment alone posting on here 

 

I've got no energy to have fun any more and everything feels like such a hassle at the moment. It's too hot, too busy, kids are playing up, wife's got the arse with me etc. etc. 

 

I sound like such an ungrateful cvnt as I know many people would give their right arm to swap places with me now.

 

I've been looking forward to this holiday for nine months but now I can't wait to come home.

 

Sad really...

 

 

There's that nasty little voice in your head telling you what you should be doing.  You have physical restrictions and I'm sure you're doing the best you can for your family, I bet the kids are loving it anyway.  Don't beat yourself up, leave that to your wife, she's the expert (mine is anyway).  Kill the voice and enjoy what you can.

[Izzy]

6 minutes ago, Crinklyfox said:

There's that nasty little voice in your head telling you what you should be doing.  You have physical restrictions and I'm sure you're doing the best you can for your family, I bet the kids are loving it anyway.  Don't beat yourself up, leave that to your wife, she's the expert (mine is anyway).  Kill the voice and enjoy what you can.

It's all for the family mate. Everything I do in life is for them. I've said before on here that they're the only reason I exist and if it wasn't for them, I'd quite happily check out.

 

My physical restrictions are the root cause of my depression and it's so frustrating. While others here are busy having the time of their lives, I'm always looking for the nearest rest room. Queuing for rides or being stuck in traffic is my worst nightmare but I try to hide it so not to ruin it for the wife and kids.

 

I end up starving myself so I need the WC less but that means I've got no energy. If I do eat I then have to take codeine and other meds to slow down my system which then make me drowsy and zombie like. It's so frustrating and I'm trapped in the vicious cycle for the rest of my life.

 

You're a top bloke Crinkly. You get it and I really appreciate your posts. Thank you 

[Webbo]

Orlando is exhausting at the best of times. All those theme parks, walking, queuing in that humidity drains everyone. Don't be down on yourself, it's natural.

[RODNEY FERNIO]

2 hours ago, shen said:

@Finnegan

Your family circumstances do indeed go a long way to explaining your behavioral patterns.

Are you still seeing a therapist?

 

My own dad got early-onset Alzheimers and was diagnosed 5 years ago at the age of 63. It was noticeable, and had been a problem, for over 7 years.

It completely drained me and my sister. Not only did we have to deal with our own volatile lives, now we had to fight the system for a gruelling 2½ years to actually recognise his disease and offer support, deal with the constant external pressure from the rest of the family, a house renovation project which had more or less bankrupted him not to mention the 'loss' of our father.

 

(He eventually died from aesophagus cancer in March last year, ironically because he could no longer function cognitively and explain that he couldn't swallow. Doctors didn't pick it up because they scanned his stomach (ulcer history) and his bowels as he also suffered from constipation. By the time they figured it out it was too late.)

 

When I look back on that period, my sister and I dealt with it in wildly different ways. I distanced myself to the point where I struggled to be together with him more than a few hours. I had stopped thinking of him as my actual father - the one I grew up with and remember fondly - and more like an elder that I was forced to take care of by virtue of family duty. I accepted that I had lost my father for good even when he was still alive and more or less coherent.

 

My sister on the other hand went in the completely different direction. From rarely visiting him (as she was living in Belgium and Paris at the time), ditched her boyfriend and job and finally moved in with him to care of him. She would be as much with him as possible and only admitted a few months before he died that it was getting too hard for her.

 

By then he had been aggressive and threatening towards her, he needed to wear diapers and he was no longer able to make sense verbally. He would be confused, unpredictable and very volatile. But even when he moved into a nursing home, she more or less moved in with him.

She never wanted to accept that he was disappearing and ultimately dying.

These days she has kept his dog and is completely fixated and obsessed with it.

 

I was in constant conflict with myself, having bad conscience and feelings of guilt on one hand for not being there for him (and my sister) more and on the other hand persisting with my detachment and protecting myself emotionally.

I think I am more or less OK with it now - I made the speech of my life for his eulogy at the church, which I am very proud of - and a lot of that is down to being forced to face the feelings and having someone I could talk to about it.

 

Seeing my sister's reactions up to and after his passing convinces me that how I dealt with it was right and faithful to myself and I'm just as convinced that what she did/is doing is destructive for her.

 

I would strongly urge you to deal with your emotions towards your mother. It is incredibly hard and draining, but I'm certain it will release so much internal pressure in you.

 

I think this is an excellent post ... am in a similar position with my elderly ill mother .

It's a mixture of emotions where you feel guilt for not doing enough and anger for how much time and effort you have to personally give to keep her going.

My father comes from an era where the woman did everything ... so he can't/refuses to do anything round the house and basically goes from his bed to

his armchair every day, switches the TV on and opens a bottle of scotch ... day after day.

So in conclusion I think you right ... you've got to do your fair share but draw a line when it starts to mean that you don't have a life yourself.

 

[Finnegan]

1 hour ago, Jon the Hat said:

From what you said you understand that your illness has stuffed this up for you both, and I am sure she is also hurting.  Take it easy.

 

That's pretty much the long and short of it really. 

 

She came in, talked to me, packed up some clothes. We've got till October 8th to get out of this flat so I told her that if she's leading me on and has no interest in reconciliation then she needs to pack it the **** in pronto before I'm homeless. 

 

But once she'd packed up (sexy pants are still here lads) she then just sat on the bed and looked sad for a while. Just kept thinking of things to talk about, didn't really seem to want to leave. It was a bit sad tbh. 

 

It's still hard to know what to read in to that. Some couples say this and it's corny but in our case we really are each other's best friends, neither of us have an obvious "besty" outside the relationship. So it could just be she misses my company, it could be that she was testing the waters to see if I've calmed down or it could really just be she was making sure I'm alright. 

 

Or she was waiting for rush hour to die down and killing time. Hard to say really. 

 

I'm oddly calm though. Almost too calm. 

Edited 16 August 2017 by Finnegan

[Buce]

 

I think today has shown how important this thread has become to the community, and I'd like to propose that it be pinned.

 

How about it @Webbo?

[Milo]

This thread is of huge importance and is massively informative and supportive.

 

Its amazing to see a community of football loving blokey types feel that they can share, and in turn support, others who are struggling with depression or anxiety. No judgement, no preaching and absolutely no "pull yourself together" nonsense - the level of informed and articulate discussion is incredible (and totally at odds with the rest of the gibberish on the other threads, tbh ). 

 

Some of the issues that guys on here are going through are tough - I'm a massive believer that mental health and physical health should not be necessarily seen as separate conditions - if you are ill, you are ill. Treatment is available in many forms for both, whether it be medicinal, clinical, time to heal or happy-clappy new age treatment. It might be a case of trying the lot to see what works best.

 

I've said on here before that I have a couple of close friends that live with depression - one of them sees it purely as a chemical imbalance that is corrected with meds (he actually likens it to taking an inhaler for Asthma...needs to do it to stay fit, and it's really no biggie). The other responds better to regular chats with someone who can help (and she likens it to someone that has a bad back and needs regular physiotherapy sessions, again nothing to be scared of or to shy away from). Like Asthma or a bad back, depression or anxiety could be a long term illness, but seeking help from people who treat these symptoms every day could make the world of difference.

 

The sharing of experiences, and the support that is generated, that occurs on this thread must be of comfort to those that post. I can't imagine some of the places that depression must take you and I usually feel too inadequate post anything that I feel would be useful, beyond the usual platitudes.

 

Keep posting, keep talking...and take up the offer of a beer or coffee.

 

 

 

[ajthefox]

3 hours ago, Finnegan said:

 

That's pretty much the long and short of it really. 

 

She came in, talked to me, packed up some clothes. We've got till October 8th to get out of this flat so I told her that if she's leading me on and has no interest in reconciliation then she needs to pack it the **** in pronto before I'm homeless. 

 

But once she'd packed up (sexy pants are still here lads) she then just sat on the bed and looked sad for a while. Just kept thinking of things to talk about, didn't really seem to want to leave. It was a bit sad tbh. 

 

It's still hard to know what to read in to that. Some couples say this and it's corny but in our case we really are each other's best friends, neither of us have an obvious "besty" outside the relationship. So it could just be she misses my company, it could be that she was testing the waters to see if I've calmed down or it could really just be she was making sure I'm alright. 

 

Or she was waiting for rush hour to die down and killing time. Hard to say really. 

 

I'm oddly calm though. Almost too calm. 

If I can offer you my two penneth, my advice would be to try not to read into it.

 

I don't want to bore you too much with my experience, but there are a few things you've said over the last few pages which reflect my last serious relationship. We were together for 3 and a half years, living together for one and on the verge of getting a mortgage when we broke up.

We bonked for a couple of weeks after we broke up but I realised I couldn't keep doing it because it really was unfair on both of us, we were both trying to hold on to something (an unhealthy relationship that started out on mutual problems as much as anything else) that we both knew deep down had to die. We stopped sleeping together and after that contact slowly became a lot less frequent.

We were pretty much best friends, but we were both very isolated from anyone outside of the relationship because of physical and financial constraints. No-one knew both sides of the story or both of us at all well and it just meant we were both getting our biases repeated back at us I think. We saw each other a few times afterwards as friends (I picked a couple of bits up from our old flat) and I think it helped ease the distance between us because although we missed each other, it helped us confirm that going our separate ways was the right thing to do. But also, I think we learned to accept that in  doing so, we were not lessening all the good stuff we shared together.

 

I don't know whats right for either of you long term and you are obviously in a very different time relative to your own relationship than I am now, but my main point, I suppose, is that even though we both knew fairly soon after the break up that it wasn't going to work, it was really hard to sever that tie and it was good just to see each other even if it was kinda weird. 3 years later (6 months ago) she told me one of the cats died, we exchanged very brief and superficial pleasantries and I've haven't heard from her since. After what was the single worst night of my life and a very difficult period of time in the proceeding weeks/months, it all ended very amicably and I don't hold anything against her.

 

I hope that helps in some small way. It's a token of my support if nothing else.

Edited 16 August 2017 by ajthefox

[shen]

6 hours ago, Col city fan said:

Bless you mate. Shows there is no right nor wrong in how we all handle grief. Although there are clearly defined stages to grieving, how we handle each stage is so individual. 

You should be proud of your speech in the church too. That must have been difficult. I don't mean to patronize btw, just to say well done for getting through all this.

Cheers Col!

That speech was the most unreal experience I have had. My head was so clear when writing it but I expected to struggle to carry it out in front of everybody. It all went by so quickly. I'd never been as composed and sure in my expression of love as that moment.

 

Ironic, given the old man was one of the worst I know at communicating feelings.

 

Looking back, it's very likely that his failings motivated me to not end up like that. 

 

FYI when dementia reaches a certain stage, the 'filter' that governs emotions in social settings disappears. Seeing my one time hippie dad, who locked up his feelings and avoided confronting them from an early age, cry like a baby or get violent was a strange and highly upsetting experience.

 

Don't become that guy Finners

[cambridgefox]

Right,I'm one of the lucky ones who doesn't suffer,however I'm sensitive and caring to other people's plights and am often the one people turn to if they have a problem and am more than willing to give support.

ive kept this one close to my chest for a few months now but a Ive been hit for six.

background

A very close friend of the family many years ago ,her husband walked out on her ,the kids were only a few years old.

me and the wife paid for them to go on holiday with us as a bit of a break and since then we have been so close.

The daughters ( although the mother has re married) are like daughters to us,we think the world of them.

Early this year the daughter I'm closest to was raped.She didn't tell a sole for over a month and when she did,she turned to me.

She spiralled into a state of depression and texts me to say she doesn't want to go on anymore.Really upsets me to see such an attractive,beautiful young women on the inside and outside suffer like this,but in a weird way me texting her most days to tell her exactly that makes me feel good,seeing that for even just 5 mins she is happy.

she is on medication and has counselling ,but having to go through the details of what happened at these counselling sessions just seems to make her worse .

she refuses to go to the police because she knows the piece of shit that did it is quite high up in a profession and knows he will get out of it as she has no evidence ( dna)

I'm no professional and I can give support but what would you do?

im on holiday and although Whatsapp most days I feel a bit removed,today she hit me with the news it looks like her step dad has bowel cancer,on top of that her sister also suffers with severe depression.

its starting to worry me that such a funny,caring young lady a year ago ,now has such dark thoughts and the world on her shoulders.in such a quick space of time for a 21 year old it's hard to take.

Dont mind admitting Ive shed a tear or two,just want her to be the same lovely Young lady as last year,and as Much as I give love,encouragement and support I feel like I'm failing as I can't get her out of this rut.

she tells me I mean the world to her and without my support she doesn't know what she would do,but as I said I'm no professional and don't want to do the wrong thing.

 

 

 

[Jon the Hat]

Sounds to me like you are doing all the right things.  Try if you can to make sure she is talking to other rape survivors, there are surely local support groups which would help a great deal.  As you say, professional counselling is also a good idea.

[ozleicester]

@cambridgefox 

 

Horrific. I feel for you and her. I really dont know what to do. But i would recommend speaking to the gps and local womens group to get some support and guidance.  Good luck