Depression

[Finnegan]

I really do keep stumbling from **** up to **** up. 

 

Like I said we talk last night and it's fine, it's nice almost, bit awkward but there's care there I think. 

 

One thing I may not have mentioned or maybe I did, Tinder actually kinda saved my life a bit over the weekend. I signed up to that and PoF whilst feeling devastatingly low on Saturday, trying to convince myself I'm not hideous and that someone else could want me. 

 

Stupid, unhealthy, yes. But with no intent, I didn't want to meet anyone I just wanted them to swipe right so I felt less shit. 

 

So I'm sitting there last night about to go to bed feeling okay and one of her friends views my PoF profile. Intensely predictable situation. 

 

Have been up all night sick with terror. Called her in to the flat on her way to work this morning and just came straight out and told her the truth before she heard from someone else and leapt to all sorts of conclusions. 

 

She's not best pleased. Shocker. I'm braced, anticipating something retaliatory designed to hurt me. This is going to be messy. 

[Crinklyfox]

14 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

It's all for the family mate. Everything I do in life is for them. I've said before on here that they're the only reason I exist and if it wasn't for them, I'd quite happily check out.

 

My physical restrictions are the root cause of my depression and it's so frustrating. While others here are busy having the time of their lives, I'm always looking for the nearest rest room. Queuing for rides or being stuck in traffic is my worst nightmare but I try to hide it so not to ruin it for the wife and kids.

 

I end up starving myself so I need the WC less but that means I've got no energy. If I do eat I then have to take codeine and other meds to slow down my system which then make me drowsy and zombie like. It's so frustrating and I'm trapped in the vicious cycle for the rest of my life.

 

You're a top bloke Crinkly. You get it and I really appreciate your posts. Thank you 

Thanks for your kind words Izzy.  You've reached out to, and helped so many people on this forum.   I'd like to think that some of us will have had experiences that may be relevant to you, and with that in mind I'm going to give some details about a problem I faced in my life which although unlike your circumstances, may strike a chord or two.  And I do have the advantage of hindsight, so here goes, please bear with me.

 

In my early forties I was diagnosed with a heart arrhythmia called atrial fibrillation (af).  Basically what that means in practice is that my heart wasn't functioning correctly and that it didn't deliver oxygenated blood effectively.  If I tried to do any exercise my heart speeded up but the oxygen didn't get around my body so I became faint.  I could walk OK but running and sport were out of the question.

 

I'd been ill for some time before I was diagnosed, I was sent to a cardiologist who advised me that my af was 24/7 and if I didn't get that addressed I would have a stroke within two years that could debilitate or kill me.  So I underwent a procedure where they stopped my heart and started it up again which temporarily restored normal (sinus rhythm) heartbeat, however I soon started lapsing back into af.  I could be in af for a few hours or a few days but either way I wasn't fixed so they started trying drugs on my to help restore sinus rhythm, I was told that the longer I could go without a period of af the better my chances of avoiding relapse.

 

Of course during this period my ability to do the 'normal' things of life was restricted.  I continued to work in my office but was barred from international travel.  My children were young and wanted to go to Florida but I couldn't take them.  I did take them to theme parks in the UK with friends as 'Daddy was too poorly to take them on the rides'.  I couldn't play football or cricket with my children as I had used to do.   I hated being ill but there was nothing I could do about it.  My wife is a nurse and understood my situation which helped.   Looking back at that time now I'm at peace with myself.  I wanted to give my children everything they wanted but I couldn't, however I did give them everything I could given the circumstances I found myself in.  I'm sure that you're doing the same for your family, please don't beat yourself because of your physical ailments, they are beyond your control.

 

There's one particular incident during this period that is of general relevance to all those sufferers from depression who consider taking their own life.  One morning just a few months after my medical procedure I was at home with my wife and youngest child (who would have been about eight years old) when I suddenly started to feel faint, which was unusual as I hadn't been exercising.  I started to breathe more rapidly but it didn't seem to do any good, I just felt even more faint and everything started to go away.  For the first time in my life I thought I was dying.  I recollect my wife dragging me out of the house into the air and the next thing I was aware of was the ambulance where they put me on oxygen and rushed me to hospital.  They stabilised me and explained that I was still in af and please contact my cardiologist.  I was released later in the day and returned home.  That was when I discovered that my young son had witnessed the whole thing and had thought his Daddy was dying and that when the ambulance took him away that he would never see him alive again.  His distress remains with me to this day.  If anyone is contemplating suicide, believe me, you have no idea of the pain this would cause your loved ones.

 

My condition gradually improved with the right combination of drugs, and today, decades later, I still suffer from occasional bouts of af but am OK 99% of the time.  I've seen my children grow up and been there for them if they needed me and that's been worth battling through the bad times.  I'm sure that it will be for you too.

[TAFKA Castroneves]

4 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

I really do keep stumbling from **** up to **** up. 

 

Like I said we talk last night and it's fine, it's nice almost, bit awkward but there's care there I think. 

 

One thing I may not have mentioned or maybe I did, Tinder actually kinda saved my life a bit over the weekend. I signed up to that and PoF whilst feeling devastatingly low on Saturday, trying to convince myself I'm not hideous and that someone else could want me. 

 

Stupid, unhealthy, yes. But with no intent, I didn't want to meet anyone I just wanted them to swipe right so I felt less shit. 

 

So I'm sitting there last night about to go to bed feeling okay and one of her friends views my PoF profile. Intensely predictable situation. 

 

Have been up all night sick with terror. Called her in to the flat on her way to work this morning and just came straight out and told her the truth before she heard from someone else and leapt to all sorts of conclusions. 

 

She's not best pleased. Shocker. I'm braced, anticipating something retaliatory designed to hurt me. This is going to be messy. 

 

Unfortunately dude it's all a bit of a mess seeing this and the other previous stuff - and in these situations it can prove very difficult to re-establish a solid relationship (which is what you need man, something supportive for when things get tricky) something i've personally taken away from my situation with my ex is that it's very difficult to love someone else when you in that terrible position of struggling to love yourself. This whole situation is no doubt stressing the hell out of you though man and making you pretty unwell as your not sleeping and everything like that. It really kinda needs a line in the sand one way or the other if you want to move forward now, it's never easy and it's entirely your decision what you feel about it all - but there will be regrets either way really if you get back together or not, that's life. You've got a few years youth on me though mate which helps if and when you end up properly back on the market

 

Easier for me to say than do man but try to take it easy

[shen]

@cambridgefox 

What a tragic situation she finds herself in, I'm really sorry for her. It's frustrating not knowing how to help an increasingly desperate person.

In short, I'd keep doing what you're doing. When she reaches out, respond to it. When she doesn't, check up on her without being invasive. Be the caring, supporting person that you are and make sure that she knows you're there when needed.

 

Don't try or pretend to be Superman. I think the suggestions others have come with are good. Getting her to the right therapist (offer to take her there and/or pick her up) and meeting with other victims who she could maybe relate to would be some initial steps to move on.

 

@Finnegan

I'm not sure I follow you. Are you terrified of retaliation from exMrs Finnegan/her friend for being honest about your PoF profile?

 

From my point of view she came by yesterday because she still cares and that this is an unfortunate situation for both of you. She knows you well enough I imagine, to know that you can be emotionally volatile. The Tinder/PoF profiles do not mean anything in the grand scheme of things and a clever man like yourself I'm sure only enters relationships with clever women, i.e. she can see it for what it is and not go batshit on you.

 

You are clearly emotionally very stressed right now. The worst thing I can do when I get that way is to lie to myself. It's hard not to preach, warn or advise right now, but you need to release some of your internal pressures. Be honest with yourself and acknowledge those feelings. If your romantic relationship ends for good as a result it will not be the end of the world. It might even be a relief for you, not spending endless nights wondering what if.

[Finnegan]

Oh no, I told her. It's all out there. I have many flaws but I'm bluntly honest even when I'm ****ed up. 

 

I just feel a storm coming. 

 

Obviously everyone with any sense is going to tell me to get off the roof but anyone that's been in my shoes knows I'm going to hold on to the lightning rod anyway. 

[shen]

9 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

Oh no, I told her. It's all out there. I have many flaws but I'm bluntly honest even when I'm ****ed up. 

 

I just feel a storm coming. 

 

Obviously everyone with any sense is going to tell me to get off the roof but anyone that's been in my shoes knows I'm going to hold on to the lightning rod anyway. 

Being outwardly honest isn't necessarily the same as inwardly honest. Not even sure that is correct English, but you get me.

 

If that storm hits you, make sure to drop a line in here.

I like to be prepared if the storm will land over here later you see 

[Finnegan]

Give me that bit of wisdom in Dansk. 

 

It'll cheer me up. 

[Miquel The Work Geordie]

23 hours ago, Finnegan said:

I've also been mostly single except for the odd extreme long distance weird Internet flings with other mental health cases that you wouldn't touch with a barge pole. 

 

I know he's not flawless but @ScouseFox aint that bad man

[shen]

32 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

Give me that bit of wisdom in Dansk. 

 

It'll cheer me up. 

Alright, here are a few Danish adages. Have fun translating them

 

Sandheden er ilde hørt og ærlighed varer længst.

 

Man kan føre hesten til truget, men man kan ikke tvinge den til at drikke.

 

Dagen er aldrig så lang, at aftenen ikke kommer.

 

And finally, as requested

 

At være ærlig udadtil er ikke det samme som at være ærlig indadtil (Shen. (2017). Foxestalk. Retrieved August 17, 2017, from https://www.foxestalk.co.uk/)

Edited 17 August 2017 by shen

[Milo]

5 hours ago, cambridgefox said:

I'm no professional and I can give support but what would you do?

Jesus, mate - that's horrific. Feel for you.

 

I don't think that there is any textbook answer as to what you should do, tbh - as mentioned above I would recommend both of you seeking some sort of counselling on how to deal with this and move forward. GP is always a good place to start and they might be able to recommend some local support groups and/or counselling sessions.  

[Wymsey]

Just been prescribed with low dose of diazepam, to help with sleep/anxiety at night (struggled to do so without anything so far whilst thinking about being unemployed).

'Only' been unemployed since 10th July but it feels like 6 months..

Edited 17 August 2017 by Wymeswold fox

[Izzy]

5 hours ago, Crinklyfox said:

Thanks for your kind words Izzy.  You've reached out to, and helped so many people on this forum.   I'd like to think that some of us will have had experiences that may be relevant to you, and with that in mind I'm going to give some details about a problem I faced in my life which although unlike your circumstances, may strike a chord or two.  And I do have the advantage of hindsight, so here goes, please bear with me.

 

In my early forties I was diagnosed with a heart arrhythmia called atrial fibrillation (af).  Basically what that means in practice is that my heart wasn't functioning correctly and that it didn't deliver oxygenated blood effectively.  If I tried to do any exercise my heart speeded up but the oxygen didn't get around my body so I became faint.  I could walk OK but running and sport were out of the question.

 

I'd been ill for some time before I was diagnosed, I was sent to a cardiologist who advised me that my af was 24/7 and if I didn't get that addressed I would have a stroke within two years that could debilitate or kill me.  So I underwent a procedure where they stopped my heart and started it up again which temporarily restored normal (sinus rhythm) heartbeat, however I soon started lapsing back into af.  I could be in af for a few hours or a few days but either way I wasn't fixed so they started trying drugs on my to help restore sinus rhythm, I was told that the longer I could go without a period of af the better my chances of avoiding relapse.

 

Of course during this period my ability to do the 'normal' things of life was restricted.  I continued to work in my office but was barred from international travel.  My children were young and wanted to go to Florida but I couldn't take them.  I did take them to theme parks in the UK with friends as 'Daddy was too poorly to take them on the rides'.  I couldn't play football or cricket with my children as I had used to do.   I hated being ill but there was nothing I could do about it.  My wife is a nurse and understood my situation which helped.   Looking back at that time now I'm at peace with myself.  I wanted to give my children everything they wanted but I couldn't, however I did give them everything I could given the circumstances I found myself in.  I'm sure that you're doing the same for your family, please don't beat yourself because of your physical ailments, they are beyond your control.

 

There's one particular incident during this period that is of general relevance to all those sufferers from depression who consider taking their own life.  One morning just a few months after my medical procedure I was at home with my wife and youngest child (who would have been about eight years old) when I suddenly started to feel faint, which was unusual as I hadn't been exercising.  I started to breathe more rapidly but it didn't seem to do any good, I just felt even more faint and everything started to go away.  For the first time in my life I thought I was dying.  I recollect my wife dragging me out of the house into the air and the next thing I was aware of was the ambulance where they put me on oxygen and rushed me to hospital.  They stabilised me and explained that I was still in af and please contact my cardiologist.  I was released later in the day and returned home.  That was when I discovered that my young son had witnessed the whole thing and had thought his Daddy was dying and that when the ambulance took him away that he would never see him alive again.  His distress remains with me to this day.  If anyone is contemplating suicide, believe me, you have no idea of the pain this would cause your loved ones.

 

My condition gradually improved with the right combination of drugs, and today, decades later, I still suffer from occasional bouts of af but am OK 99% of the time.  I've seen my children grow up and been there for them if they needed me and that's been worth battling through the bad times.  I'm sure that it will be for you too.

Bloody hell mate, I had no idea you'd been through this 

 

Your story makes me feel grateful that all my surgeries and hospital stays happened before my kids were born. I can't imagine what they'd have felt like seeing me being really ill as I was back in '03/04

 

Looking back I probably didn't realise how tough it must have been for my wife and parents to see me like that. They had to make the decision on my behalf to have emergency surgery otherwise my colon would have perforated and I too would have died.

 

Luckily after a five hour procedure and six pint blood transfusion I ended up with a temporary stoma and the start of my recovery process.

 

I swore after that to cherish every day and be thankful for surviving and for the first few years after I was at peace. But then after the adjustment to my new plumbing things became difficult and I started to realise my life was different now and I couldn't do the things I used to - and that's when the depression started. 

 

The kids are 8 and 10 now and realise Daddy needs the toilet a lot and also gets grumpy if he doesn't get enough sleep, but they still get frustrated that I don't actively play with them like Mummy does.

 

Yesterday evening they were all in the pool and I was sat by the side reading FT on my phone as usual. They kept begging me to get in the water and play but all I could think about was having an 'Inbetweeners' moment as my guts were playing up again 

 

I just want to be a normal Dad but that's never gonna happen so I just try and do the best I can. One thing I've realised is that no amount of money, toys, gifts or 'stuff' makes them as happy as actually spending time with me. 

 

Thanks for sharing your story man, I can totally relate. But you now seem at peace with things and that is all I want. Just acceptance and to be ok with that instead of constantly beating myself up through frustration...

[shen]

@Finnegan has the proverbial $hit hit the fan yet? How are you coping?

[Finnegan]

Pretty dire tbh. Hanging in there. 

[shen]

Sorry to hear that fella

Anything we can support you with here?

Don't do anything rash.

Who knows, tomorrow might see the first Okazaki hattrick in a Leicester shirt there's no way you should miss that!

[Guest]

On 18/08/2017 at 14:27, Finnegan said:

Pretty dire tbh. Hanging in there. 

 

This probably won't help you much but I like you and your posts (well most of them) Finners. 

[Foxhateram]

So..... The exhaustion of baby still not sleeping after 11 months is killing my marriage. Huge rows and very little patience with eachother. Everything is my fault. Is it bad to feel a little resentment towards little one for making us like this?  (Not in a nasty way, just a..... jesus this is harder than I ever thought it would be way) 

 

Pressures of crap neighbours that keep waking the baby (when he does finally sleep) and us deciding that we need to move and sell the house because of this, is adding to the stress. 

 

Feeling god damn low right now. Wish things could be easier.  

 

Really shouldn't have posted this :/

 

 

 

Edited 20 August 2017 by foxhateram

[Strokes]

23 minutes ago, foxhateram said:

So..... The exhaustion of baby still not sleeping after 11 months is killing my marriage. Huge rows and very little patience with eachother. Everything is my fault. Is it bad to feel a little resentment towards little one for making us like this?  (Not in a nasty way, just a..... jesus this is harder than I ever thought it would be way) 

 

Pressures of crap neighbours that keep waking the baby (when he does finally sleep) and us deciding that we need to move and sell the house because of this, is adding to the stress. 

 

Feeling god damn low right now. Wish things could be easier.  

 

Really shouldn't have posted this :/

 

 

 

Listen, I've been there. It's hard and the good news is it does get better pretty quickly. First and foremost can you do anything to improve the situation, like move the baby further away from the dividing wall. Is your baby suffering from colic or is there a reason why he/she keeps waking and crying?

Maybe you should broker a deal with your wife to get your lives back on track. Alternative shifts in dealing with the night problems. Whoever is on shift takes the baby from the other one, so that the other can fully rest up. You might appreciate each other and rely on the other once again. Best of luck.

[Guest]

34 minutes ago, foxhateram said:

So..... The exhaustion of baby still not sleeping after 11 months is killing my marriage. Huge rows and very little patience with eachother. Everything is my fault. Is it bad to feel a little resentment towards little one for making us like this?  (Not in a nasty way, just a..... jesus this is harder than I ever thought it would be way) 

 

Pressures of crap neighbours that keep waking the baby (when he does finally sleep) and us deciding that we need to move and sell the house because of this, is adding to the stress. 

 

Feeling god damn low right now. Wish things could be easier.  

 

Really shouldn't have posted this :/

 

 

 

The baby problem will get better quite soon.

 

Don't know about the wife 

[Col city fan]

1 hour ago, foxhateram said:

So..... The exhaustion of baby still not sleeping after 11 months is killing my marriage. Huge rows and very little patience with eachother. Everything is my fault. Is it bad to feel a little resentment towards little one for making us like this?  (Not in a nasty way, just a..... jesus this is harder than I ever thought it would be way) 

 

Pressures of crap neighbours that keep waking the baby (when he does finally sleep) and us deciding that we need to move and sell the house because of this, is adding to the stress. 

 

Feeling god damn low right now. Wish things could be easier.  

 

Really shouldn't have posted this :/

 

 

 

My mum is a bit of a wise old owl and always said the following is true:

When a young couple have a kid, there are three types of 'time'

1. Time with the baby

2. Time with your partner (without baby)

3. Time for yourself (doing what you, as an individual, likes to do)

 

In the old gal's opinion, the most healthy relationships are ones where there is a balance between all three types. You must continue to have time for yourself and as a couple. The time shouldn't only be with the baby.

I think she's probably right.

Get the babysitter and take the mrs out for dinner, or even a night away somewhere mate.

Edited 20 August 2017 by Col city fan

[Izzy]

1 hour ago, foxhateram said:

So..... The exhaustion of baby still not sleeping after 11 months is killing my marriage. Huge rows and very little patience with eachother. Everything is my fault. Is it bad to feel a little resentment towards little one for making us like this?  (Not in a nasty way, just a..... jesus this is harder than I ever thought it would be way) 

 

Pressures of crap neighbours that keep waking the baby (when he does finally sleep) and us deciding that we need to move and sell the house because of this, is adding to the stress. 

 

Feeling god damn low right now. Wish things could be easier.  

 

Really shouldn't have posted this :/

 

You really should have posted this mate.

 

Those of us who've been there can definitely relate.

 

The first 18 months are the hardest in my experience and feeling a little resentment is perfectly normal. Your lives have been turned upside down and things are very different now.

 

Col and Strokes advice is spot on and it's important to find quality time with the wife if you can. Sleep deprivation is horrible and is bound to make you both snappy and irritable. It's a tough time mate and a real test of any relationship.

 

Hopefully you'll all come through the other side stronger for it so hang in there. It does get easier over time. I always say having kids is a million times more difficult than I ever imagined but also a million times more rewarding than I thought it would be.

 

Look after yourself first and foremost and keep us updated. All the best...

Edited 20 August 2017 by Izzy Muzzett

[Foxhateram]

1 hour ago, Strokes said:

Listen, I've been there. It's hard and the good news is it does get better pretty quickly. First and foremost can you do anything to improve the situation, like move the baby further away from the dividing wall. Is your baby suffering from colic or is there a reason why he/she keeps waking and crying?

Maybe you should broker a deal with your wife to get your lives back on track. Alternative shifts in dealing with the night problems. Whoever is on shift takes the baby from the other one, so that the other can fully rest up. You might appreciate each other and rely on the other once again. Best of luck.

Unfortunately his sleep is partly our fault. Held him for too long and now he expects it. Lots of sleep training now required to fix the issue, but in the short term it makes things even harder as it can take hours to get him to sleep. Be worth it in the long run, but hard to convince myself and wife that it's ok for him to cry. 

 

We do take it in turns. And often do whole nights to help the other out, but it's god damn hard to go to work the next day after an all nighter! Haha. Man up, I know. 

 

Really do think we need more time together without baby, but with wife returning to work in a few weeks, (which is part of the stress right now for her)   then we're going to be even more pushed for quality time together. 

 

Heads up though eh! It'll get better and it's all worth it in the end.

[Strokes]

46 minutes ago, foxhateram said:

Unfortunately his sleep is partly our fault. Held him for too long and now he expects it. Lots of sleep training now required to fix the issue, but in the short term it makes things even harder as it can take hours to get him to sleep. Be worth it in the long run, but hard to convince myself and wife that it's ok for him to cry. 

 

We do take it in turns. And often do whole nights to help the other out, but it's god damn hard to go to work the next day after an all nighter! Haha. Man up, I know. 

 

Really do think we need more time together without baby, but with wife returning to work in a few weeks, (which is part of the stress right now for her)   then we're going to be even more pushed for quality time together. 

 

Heads up though eh! It'll get better and it's all worth it in the end.

We thought we had it mastered with our first, he started sleeping through the night after about 8 weeks and gave us no trouble in that respect. My daughter who came 13 months later had colic and cried and cried to the point we nearly all went insane. She very nearly split us up, as we just were not human for most of it. Like for you, the neighbors hated us and we got very little support but adversity made us that bit closer when we finally turned the corner and yeah it unfortunately does effect your work.

Just work together as much as you can because sure as shit, it's harder on your own.

[Col city fan]

2 hours ago, Strokes said:

We thought we had it mastered with our first, he started sleeping through the night after about 8 weeks and gave us no trouble in that respect. My daughter who came 13 months later had colic and cried and cried to the point we nearly all went insane. She very nearly split us up, as we just were not human for most of it. Like for you, the neighbors hated us and we got very little support but adversity made us that bit closer when we finally turned the corner and yeah it unfortunately does effect your work.

Just work together as much as you can because sure as shit, it's harder on your own.

The last sentence is absolutely spot on. If you let yourselves, you'll start working as individuals..and that will cause arguments and resentment.

The first year or two of having a baby is hard work.

[Jattdogg]

My son is 4 and daughter 2. We've transitioned out if that whole experience  but it was very very tough.. every kid and situation is different but keep the communication open with your woman and you will soldier through it.  I always spoke to my wife if we had a row and said i didnt mean it and patched things up (because we knew it was stress and lack of sleep talking) . She did the same with me.

 

We dont have many people to help us take care of the kids. If you can leave them with the grandparents

so you and the Mrs  can have a night out. Heck rent a hotel and sleep the whole night if thats appealing.

 

We are all proof that we've been there and got through it just fine. Not like anyone ever taught us how parenting would work