What's the worst crap you've ever taken?

[foxfanazer]

3 minutes ago, jonthefox said:

This thread is going to be far more entertaining than the united match thread. 

But very similar in terms of content 

[fazzyfox]

Back in the day I was a gross fatty who ate far too much, just thinking about it makes me queasy. Over indulgence at Christmas isn't unique to me I know but I realise now how much I was asking of my body to process the random combination of foods in such large quantities in such a time frame. Christmas Eve I'd be having my buffet tea, Pork Pies, Gammon rolls, cocktail sausages,  sausage rolls, Cheese and biscuits, twiglets (I know, the luxury of the fazzyfox home), still eating it at 1 A.M. A morning breakfast of more meaty rolls, sausage rolls & croissant, a mid morning pot of strong coffee (which my guts are not used to) chocolate mints and mince pie, then snacking on Chocolate Orange, Tube of jelly tots down in one (my party piece), a large full roast dinner, a night time tea of more meaty rolls, crisps, christmas cake and more washed down with cider and champagne.

 

Then boxing day half an hour before a plate of Baked Potatoes, cold meats, cheeses and pork pies is due to be consumed I get that "meat sweat", something says "You cannot consume one more molecule of food until...", a strange fluctuation of temperatures and a giddiness bordering on feinting, a feeling that a boxer has punched me in the stomach and a nosebleed sensation, I realise it's the time.......The Boxing Day Poo. 

Sat on the Loo, one foot on the wall one on the ceiling in a kind of annual (or anal) yoga ritual, shouting "heave", mopping the brow with towels, considering calling for stirrups, pain like I've never known (I thought I'd eaten the chocolate Orange in individual pieces...apparently not and it's stuck. Behind the Jelly Tots.  Then braced for the worst bit, it comes and keeps coming, and keeps coming...why no splash, the sensation afterwards such a contrast to the pain. You look down and this coiled snake filling the pan looks back up at you, the room stinks of a strange combination of Turkey, Gammon, Mint, Orange, Coffee, Coventry Bus Station and fermented eggs, strange as they weren't involved, you look in the mirror and you look pale and sweaty like you've run a marathon. One year I weighed myself before and after, something like 6 pounds difference, how much was poo how much was perspiration loss I don't know.  

 

[Stuntman_Mike]

I curled one out coming back from Menorca on my first ever flight and I overheard the parent of the child going in after me say "they don't fancy it now". That was a pretty special moment for 12 year old me.

[Parafox]

Initially I thought this topic was about being insulted

 

My personal worst, (of a few due to mild IBS) was rushing into a Maccy's toilet knowing from experience that when I had to go, I HAD TO GO.

 

I just managed to get my kecks down before the world fell out of my bottom in an apocalyptic way. There was a mild explosion of wet shit that covered the seat and the hinges, the bowl and the wall behind. It was a nightmare volume of unpleasant faeces that no amount of tissue would ever contain or clean up. Shame on me for just leaving it. I felt guilty and ashamed that some poor cleaner had to deal with that. 

 

On another occasion and more to my credit, I and a crewmate went to an elderly person that had fallen. We were told over the radio that he had been incontinent. We arrived at his council bungalow off Scraptoft Lane and let ourselves in through the unlocked door to be confronted with what was essentially a pond of diarrhoea with the old chap lying face down, conscious and alert apologising for the "mess".

 

Firstly we had to step through the putrid and very slippery pool of excrement. The poor guy had clearly been unwell and fallen into his own human waste trying to get help. He had managed to drag himself to his lifeline cord, and in doing so, accumulating sh1t under his face and torso. We were able to lift him from the floor and sit him in a chair. We than had to wash him down and change his clothes before we could take him to hospital. I managed to hold it back but my crewmate vomited down himself as were leaving the scene.

 

On yet another occasion, again as a crew, I went to an alcoholic that hadn't been seen for several days and neighbours were concerned. We got to the flat and again, the door was unlocked. The poor woman was lying in bed were she had been for some time, surrounded by dozens of empty cider cans and bottles, unable to get up to make it to the bathroom. She had to evacuate her bowels and bladder in her bed and had no choice but to lie in it before someone raised the alarm.

Her flat was infested by flies, she was anorexic and on the point of complete collapse. The stench of bodily waste and menstrual blood was nauseating to say the least. Again we had to clean her up and take her to hospital and then clean ourselves up.

The smell of these types of incidents haunts me still.

Edited 30 October 2024 by Parafox

[Samilktray]

Bad thread to catch up on as I tuck into my Pieminister steak & ale pie tonight 

[foxfanazer]

12 hours ago, Parafox said:

Initially I thought this topic was about being insulted

 

My personal worst, (of a few due to mild IBS) was rushing into a Maccy's toilet knowing from experience that when I had to go, I HAD TO GO.

 

I just managed to get my kecks down before the world fell out of my bottom in an apocalyptic way. There was a mild explosion of wet shit that covered the seat and the hinges, the bowl and the wall behind. It was a nightmare volume of unpleasant faeces that no amount of tissue would ever contain or clean up. Shame on me for just leaving it. I felt guilty and ashamed that some poor cleaner had to deal with that. 

 

On another occasion and more to my credit, I and a crewmate went to an elderly person that had fallen. We were told over the radio that he had been incontinent. We arrived at his council bungalow off Scraptoft Lane and let ourselves in through the unlocked door to be confronted with what was essentially a pond of diarrhoea with the old chap lying face down, conscious and alert apologising for the "mess".

 

Firstly we had to step through the putrid and very slippery pool of excrement. The poor guy had clearly been unwell and fallen into his own human waste trying to get help. He had managed to drag himself to his lifeline cord, and in doing so, accumulating sh1t under his face and torso. We were able to lift him from the floor and sit him in a chair. We than had to wash him down and change his clothes before we could take him to hospital. I managed to hold it back but my crewmate vomited down himself as were leaving the scene.

 

On yet another occasion, again as a crew, I went to an alcoholic that hadn't been seen for several days and neighbours were concerned. We got to the flat and again, the door was unlocked. The poor woman was lying in bed were she had been for some time, surrounded by dozens of empty cider cans and bottles, unable to get up to make it to the bathroom. She had to evacuate her bowels and bladder in her bed and had no choice but to lie in it before someone raised the alarm.

Her flat was infested by flies, she was anorexic and on the point of complete collapse. The stench of bodily waste and menstrual blood was nauseating to say the least. Again we had to clean her up and take her to hospital and then clean ourselves up.

The smell of these types of incidents haunts me still.

I haven't heard the word "kecks" in years. Proper tickled me

[Raj]

This thread has me in stitches!!! Well done @Bilo!!

[brookfox]

Went out on the beers in London about a year ago and ended the night with a curry. On the tube back to St Panc the next morning and my stomach started cramping up. Running late for the train so had no choice but to sit out the 20min tube journey under increasing stomach cramps while clinching my buttocks together. By the time I hit St Panc I'm in agony. Waddle through the station, hit the toilets and absolutely explode. Sit for a minute trying to catch my breath and only then realise there was no toilet paper! Search my bag but nothing I can use (with hindsight should have used my socks!). I then spot three used crumpled up bits of toilet paper on the floor. I begrudgingly pick them up, unfold them and clean myself up as best as I can before rushing for my train with a few mins to spare.

[Miquel The Work Geordie]

Genuinely don't think I've ever had a bad shit after a curry, the occasional mild sting round the old ring but I don't think I've ever painted the bowl after one.

 

Good thread this, gets you thinking

[South Shire Fox]

38 minutes ago, Miquel The Work Geordie said:

Genuinely don't think I've ever had a bad shit after a curry, the occasional mild sting round the old ring but I don't think I've ever painted the bowl after one.

 

Good thread this, gets you thinking

The flag of Japan

[jonthefox]

Once when i was travelling in my yoof, i quietly excused myself from a group of friends to discreetly drop a fart and ended up shitting all down the back of my leg. Standard for India apparently. 

[String fellow]

The worst craps aren't the ones when everything is voided, it's the ones where nothing exits due to fecal impaction. This is when the stool is large and solid, and becomes stuck inside the lower bowel. It's often regarded as a medical emergency, but the anguish it causes is greatly compounded by the embarrassment of having to present oneself to A&E with this particular problem, which itself is probably only slightly less embarrassing than presenting with a sex toy stuck inside!  

[deejdeej]

I remember when I had my jaw broken and I was given codeine. One of the side effects was constipation. Didn't go for a few days and when I did I nearly passed out from the strain!

[isaidno]

Went on a work training course last year. I went to the toilet on our lunch break and did a steaming turd. The problem was that I hadn't realised that there was no handle / chain on the toilet.  I slowly opened the cubicle door , checking the coast was clear. A quick wash of my hands and checked the main door. Coast was clear again so legged it to a different room. Feel sorry for who had to clean up after me. 

[Parafox]

I once had to take a wet dump whilst holding on to a tree next to a path in Kingsbury water park, Staffs. People were walking past and I was just waving apologetically. The toilets were too far away and I knew I'd fill my pants in a matter of minutes.

 

My bowels are like God, they move in mysterious ways.

[Parafox]

In any event of rapid need to take one, what then if you find there's no bog roll?

Edited 31 October 2024 by Parafox

[Zear0]

6 hours ago, Miquel The Work Geordie said:

Genuinely don't think I've ever had a bad shit after a curry, the occasional mild sting round the old ring but I don't think I've ever painted the bowl after one.

 

Good thread this, gets you thinking

Can't believe you've never been stung by the Garlic Chilli Chicken at Aroma Spice

[VLC86]

If you haven’t left a Maltese kebab shop wearing one sock due to the food going through you quicker than Coops can say Jordan Ayew then you haven’t lived IMO.

[StanSP]

8 hours ago, brookfox said:

I then spot three used crumpled up bits of toilet paper on the floor. I begrudgingly pick them up, unfold them and clean myself up as best as I can

Of all the things in this thread, this creeps me out. All manner of things could have been on/in that bit of paper

 

[Jattdogg]

4 hours ago, StanSP said:

Of all the things in this thread, this creeps me out. All manner of things could have been on/in that bit of paper

 

I would have just dealt with muddy ass then use those bits

 

For the real white English people, expose your kids to curry at a young age. They might build up a tolerance so that they won't swim in their own jeans of shit lol. 

 

@Parafox your stories haunt me lol.

[foxfanazer]

On 30/10/2024 at 16:52, StanSP said:

Was in Marrakech, went on some tour/excursion about an hour's drive up in some mountains.

 

Very hot day, about halfway up the mountain we were climbing, started getting a bad headache and feeling dehydrated. Drank lots of water and took paracetamol etc. but didn't really improve my condition. Started getting stomach cramps and really needed to go for a shit. Held it in for a bit, but after I while, I said to the tour guide that I needed to go to the toilet.

 

In that moment, I heard the exact opposite of what I wanted to hear. 'There are no toilets til we get back down'. FFS. Carried on holding it for a bit more, then really had to go. Said to the tour guide again, and he could see the desperation in my face. Knowing full well there were no toilet options, the best he could find for me was behind a large boulder/rock. I looked at him in bewilderment (but also knowing there was nothing else he could do!). I crouched down and the rest of the group I was with had to sheepishly look away. As I was down, the dirtiest, smelliest and runniest shit left my body and pooled itself right below me. It looked so smooth though . I barely felt it leave my arse it was that runny. 

 

One of those shits where you can feel the relief all the way through your body, and you feel a bit of life come back in to you. Whatever toxic shit was in my body had been released. I had about half a bottle of water left to 'clean' myself. No toilet paper. Just a quick spurt and a bit of ring sting for the next couple of hours.

 

Eventually made it back to the minibus we were on. Felt fine by then, albeit not 100%, but it was the most awkward journey back. Don't think many words were said . 

 

Got back home, went to the doctors. Turns out it was the start of my shingles misery...

That's be a great band name for emo kind of group

[The Quick Brown Fox]

My 30th birthday in Majorca with all the family. 

Drinking all day eating from the buffet etc, in the evening out for Chinese. 

Back to the hotel more drinks, bed time go to my room get into bed and feel that tingle that something isn't right. 

Rush to the bath room and throw up a odd coloured concoction straight down the loo, the next heave and then I felt the rear end go, uncontrollable release, still had my head over the toilet so I quickly span around and plonked on the toilet, I see the state of the wall and floor, which caused me to throw up some more, this is to this day the only time I have been emptying from both ends at the same time. 

 

It was horrendous, it stunk, I had to clean it up and leave the towels in the bath. The poor cleaners must have wondered what had gone on. 

 

Not my finest hour. 

[leicsmac]

3 minutes ago, The Quick Brown Fox said:

My 30th birthday in Majorca with all the family. 

Drinking all day eating from the buffet etc, in the evening out for Chinese. 

Back to the hotel more drinks, bed time go to my room get into bed and feel that tingle that something isn't right. 

Rush to the bath room and throw up a odd coloured concoction straight down the loo, the next heave and then I felt the rear end go, uncontrollable release, still had my head over the toilet so I quickly span around and plonked on the toilet, I see the state of the wall and floor, which caused me to throw up some more, this is to this day the only time I have been emptying from both ends at the same time. 

 

It was horrendous, it stunk, I had to clean it up and leave the towels in the bath. The poor cleaners must have wondered what had gone on. 

 

Not my finest hour. 

[foxfanazer]

37 minutes ago, The Quick Brown Fox said:

My 30th birthday in Majorca with all the family. 

Drinking all day eating from the buffet etc, in the evening out for Chinese. 

Back to the hotel more drinks, bed time go to my room get into bed and feel that tingle that something isn't right. 

Rush to the bath room and throw up a odd coloured concoction straight down the loo, the next heave and then I felt the rear end go, uncontrollable release, still had my head over the toilet so I quickly span around and plonked on the toilet, I see the state of the wall and floor, which caused me to throw up some more, this is to this day the only time I have been emptying from both ends at the same time. 

 

It was horrendous, it stunk, I had to clean it up and leave the towels in the bath. The poor cleaners must have wondered what had gone on. 

 

Not my finest hour. 

These usernames are making so much more sense 

[Vacamion]

I just want to add that I never realised that when people talk about "The Pyramid" at Glastonbury, they were not talking about the stage.

 

Or so I found out when opening the door to the portacrappers there in the 1990s with 3 days worth of full guts.