The joke thread

[Webbo]

A friend just phoned to tell me he had changed his name by deed poll to Spinal Column,

I said "Can I call you back ?"

[iamafox]

Waiting in a bank for so long causes me to lose interest.

[Tuna]

1 hour ago, iamafox said:

Waiting in a bank for so long causes me to lose interest.

[Izzy]

My wife and I were kissing on the sofa the other night.

 

She asked me "Do you wanna go upstairs?"

 

I said "No, I'd rather stay down here with you." 

[Webbo]

13 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My wife and I were kissing on the sofa the other night.

 

She asked me "Do you wanna go upstairs?"

 

I said "No, I'd rather stay down here with you." 

[Strokes]

49 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My wife and I were kissing on the sofa the other night.

 

She asked me "Do you wanna go upstairs?"

 

I said "No, I'd rather stay down here with you." 

[Carl the Llama]

10 minutes ago, Strokes said:

t

That is disgusting but hypnotic.

[Izzy]

The 70's singer-songwriter Cat Stevens lives near me.

The other day I spotted him up a ladder at the back of his house.

"What's up Cat?" I asked.

"Awning has broken " he replied.

[Beliall]

[Izzy]

I said to the wife last night "I've got something stuck in my throat. I can't breathe!"

 

She asked me "Are you choking?"

 

I said "No, I'm fvcking serious!" 

[The Bear]

****ing hell. Can we ban him off this thread please?

[Buce]

10 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

The 70's singer-songwriter Cat Stevens lives near me.

The other day I spotted him up a ladder at the back of his house.

"What's up Cat?" I asked.

"Awning has broken " he replied.

 

[Beliall]

RIP Joke thread

[Carl the Llama]

When you're on the general chat page and you see Izzy's name next to the joke thread.

[Izzy]

If any of you tossers can do any better, please me my guest  (Here's another in the mean time...)

 

I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.

 

The most common one seems to be ..."You said you'd be home from the pub three ****ing hours ago!"

[Facecloth]

The reactions to Izzy's jokes are funnier than his jokes 

[Izzy]

[Carl the Llama]

1 minute ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

If any of you tossers can do any better, please me my guest  (Here's another in the mean time...)

 

I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.

 

The most common one seems to be ..."You said you'd be home from the pub three ****ing hours ago!"

What do you call a homeless horse?

 

Unstable.

[Izzy]

5 minutes ago, Carl the Llama said:

What do you call a homeless horse?

 

Unstable.

Could have sworn I said do any better Carl 

 

Anyhow...

 

I was on the internet last night and the wife said "Are you looking at porn again you pervert?"

 

I said "No, I'm looking for cheap flights love".

 

She said "Oooohhh....you little beauty, Im sucking your cock tonight!"

 

Fvcking hell I thought, I didnt realise she was that keen on darts!

[Carl the Llama]

5 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Could have sworn I said do any better Carl 

It had a punchline didn't it?

 

So a husband and wife decide to treat themselves to dinner at a fancy restaurant one evening, the Maitre D seats them at a lovely table by the window and one of the waiters takes their orders.  A short while later the starter comes out and the husband declares how good the food looks, picks up his cutlery and starts digging in.  His wife looks at him in shock, he's a religious man and for as long as she's known him he's always made a point of saying a prayer before dinner, so she asks him:
"Honey, is everything alright?  You always say a prayer before we eat."

Her husband replies: "That's at home, sweetie, I'm pretty sure the chef here knows how to cook."

[Tielemans63]

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years?

 

 

....A church 

[Carl the Llama]

2 hours ago, Paddy. said:

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years?

 

 

....A church 

S-s-s-satire.

 

On that note:  How many clergyman does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  Nobody knows because the Vatican keeps covering it up.

[TiffToff88]

I used to work in a calendar factory, but i got sacked after i took a week off

[Carl the Llama]

11 minutes ago, TiffToff88 said:

I used to work in a calendar factory, but i got sacked after i took a week off

At least you had work: I've been looking for a job as a gynecologist but I can't find any openings...

[Milo]

1 hour ago, Carl the Llama said:

2 hours ago, TiffToff88 said:

 

At least you had work: I've been looking for a job as a gynecologist but I can't find any openings...