The joke thread

[Parafox]

41 minutes ago, tom27111 said:

 

Anyone seen @Izzy and Chris Evan's in the same room? 

Looks like a street drinker although I'm sure he's not.

[Trav Le Bleu]

The Liverpool FC manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

 

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

 

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

 

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

 

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

 

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all  while you were having such great time."

 

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.."

 

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!"

Edited 1 June 2019 by Trav Le Bleu

[Wolfox]

Last night looked out at some noise n saw some spurs supporters playing football with a hedgehog. Was gonna call the RSPCA, but then the hedgehog went 1-0 up.

[Wortho]

PC World – you’ve got to be careful what you say in there.

[Wortho]

I went into the NatWest earlier, & the cashier burst into a rendition of 'Downtown'
I thought 'What a Peculiar clerk'

[Wortho]

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition

[Wortho]

A man goes into a pub one evening, sits on a bar stool and orders a drink.

As he is sipping his beer, he looks around and spots an attractive lady sitting at the opposite end of the bar, taking dainty sips of a cocktail.

Suddenly - she sneezes, and in the process her glass eye pops out of her head and rolls slowly down the top of the bar surface in the direction of the man.

He instinctively puts his hand out and grabs it. He is so proud, and in an act of chivalry, he walks up to the other end of the bar and returns the glass eye to the lady.
She is well impressed .

They proceed to spend the rest of the evening chatting, laughing, and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, when the bar closes, the lady says “Why don’t you come back for a nightcap?” and they both taxi to her apartment.
Then follows a night of fabulous passion !

In the morning, the man has to leave for an appointment, but before he goes, he snuggles up to the lady and says “Do you do this with every man you meet in the bar?”

She replied “No... only with those who catch my eye”

[Buce]

 

We took the mother-in-law out for a meal last night and she ended up in a fight with six blokes.

 

I was gonna help but then I figured six was probably enough.

[Buce]

 

I got chatting to a girl in the pub the other night.

We got on really well, so I invited back to mine; she said she'd have liked to but she was on her menstrual cycle.

"No problem", I said, "I can stick it in the back of my van".

[Carl the Llama]

Imo the worst thing about the current @Wortho era of this thread isn't that they're mostly terrible jokes, it's not even that they're all blatant copy/paste jobs, it's the stubborn reluctance to click on the prompt that comes up after pasting to convert it into plain text.  At least Izzy's reign of terror was tidily presented.   Sort yourself out man!

[Wortho]

Just now, Carl the Llama said:

Imo the worst thing about the current @Wortho era of this thread isn't that they're mostly terrible jokes, it's not even that they're all blatant copy/paste jobs, it's the stubborn reluctance to click on the prompt that comes up after pasting to convert it into plain text.  At least Izzy's reign of terror was tidily presented.   Sort yourself out man!

I'll take that as a compliment 

[Carl the Llama]

4 hours ago, Wortho said:

I'll take that as a compliment 

You shouldn't  

[Izzy]

4 hours ago, Carl the Llama said:

Imo the worst thing about the current @Wortho era of this thread isn't that they're mostly terrible jokes, it's not even that they're all blatant copy/paste jobs, it's the stubborn reluctance to click on the prompt that comes up after pasting to convert it into plain text.  At least Izzy's reign of terror was tidily presented.   Sort yourself out man!

[Wortho]

Swiss archaeologists have discovered that William Tell and his son used to play in a bowling league but historians have been unable to determine the names of any of the teams.
So we will never get to know for whom the Tells bowled.

[MikeyT]

A message to the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

 

I will find you...you have my Word!

[TiffToff88]

41 minutes ago, MikeyT said:

A message to the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

 

I will find you...you have my Word!

I can help you look. I Excel at this sort of thing

[Danizen]

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent, 

 

"I've got you a gig in a play. It's an easy one. You've only got one line. 

 

At the start of the second act, you come out and say, 'HARK! I HEAR THE CANNONS ROAR!'

 

There's no audition, the part's yours, if you want it."

 

The actor agrees and on opening night, makes his way to the theatre. 

 

At the backstage entrance, security stops him and asks, "who the hell are you?"

 

The actor replies, "I'm the guy who says, 'HARK! I HEAR THE CANNONS ROAR!"

 

"You're late! Get yourself to the costume department now! They're waiting for you." The bouncer tells him...and off he goes. 

 

When he gets to the costume department, a stage hand asks him who he is. "I'm the guy who says, 'HARK! I HEAR THE CANNONS ROAR!" 

 

The stage hand, gives him his costume and tells him to put it on as they're running late. When he has the costume on, the stage hand directs the actor towards Hair and Makeup. 

 

When he gets to Hair and Makeup, a stylist pulls him aside and says, "you must be the guy who says, "HARK! I HEAR THE CANNONS ROAR!" We're ready for you. Just sit in this chair. 

 

Ten minutes later, his hair and makeup is done and he's finally ready to go on stage. 

 

 

As he approaches the stage, he's stopped by the director who says, "Thank God! The guy who says, 'HARK! I HEAR THE CANNONS ROAR!" is here. We can finally start the second act! Break a leg!"

 

The actor is pushed out onto the stage in front of the biggest audience he's ever seen in his life. Suddenly, he hears a succession of deafening bangs, one after another. 

 

He looks around and shouts, "WHAT THE FVCK WAS THAT?!"

 

[Tinman]

[Beliall]

5 hours ago, Tinman said:

oh **** off

[Wortho]

An old man and his wife are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden, the old lady bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells, "Super pussy!" The old man says, "I'll have the soup!

[Wortho]

All of Jack Dee’s children are bright, but Ellie is the brightest.

[Wortho]

I think the elderly man next door is obsessed with Beatles songs.
Every time I walk past I hear him shouting "Help!"

[Buce]

 

To think we all wanted @Izzy banned from the Joke Thread.

 

Be careful what you wish for, folks.

Edited 6 June 2019 by Buce

[Izzy]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

 

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

 

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

 

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the bastard lid off"

[Wortho]

Did you hear about the two bedbugs that are engaged?

They're getting married in the spring. . .