The joke thread

[Aus Fox]

13 hours ago, UpTheLeagueFox said:

What time did Chelsea kick off?

I think it was 5-2.

Tunchel is sick of working 9, 2 5

[The Bear]

6 hours ago, Aus Fox said:

Tunchel is sick of working 9, 2 5

Don't you mean "Nein! 2-5"?

[Aus Fox]

5 minutes ago, The Bear said:

Don't you mean "Nein! 2-5"?

👏 well played!

[winteriscoming]

It’s the Wife’s birthday tomorrow. She’s been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house, so I’ve bought her a magazine rack. 

[Free Falling Foxes]

1 hour ago, winteriscoming said:

It’s the Wife’s birthday tomorrow. She’s been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house, so I’ve bought her a magazine rack. 

I was passing a jewellery shop pre lockdown and noticed they had some catalogues just inside the doorway, so I grabbed one. When I got home I told Mrs. FFF that I had popped in a jewellers and got her a little something.

 

I handed over the catalogue.

 

Gentleman, I would not recommend you try that at home.

 

 

[Aus Fox]

My wife informed me this morning she is leaving me, she screamed “I can think of 14 things I hate about you”

Then as she left the room she shouts “oh yeah, I also hate your complete obsession with tennis”

I replied 

“That’s 15, love”

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

N V B K I T H E K L O P F 
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F 
T H E E F G H J I O L P L 
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H 
H A S J P O D I E D G W

[Trav Le Bleu]

I was at the swimming baths the other day when I decided I'd have a sneaky wee in the deep end.

 

I thought I'd got away with it, but the lifeguard must have noticed, because he blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in!

[Free Falling Foxes]

On 07/04/2021 at 06:34, Bob Weasel Fox said:

N V B K I T H E K L O P F 
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F 
T H E E F G H J I O L P L 
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H 
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Wrong thread.

Should be on Death list.

[Izzy]

I'm quite excited about my latest delivery from the wine club

 

I've got a semillon

[boots60]

On 04/04/2021 at 19:27, Free Falling Foxes said:

I was passing a jewellery shop pre lockdown and noticed they had some catalogues just inside the doorway, so I grabbed one. When I got home I told Mrs. FFF that I had popped in a jewellers and got her a little something.

 

I handed over the catalogue.

 

Gentleman, I would not recommend you try that at home.

 

 

Mrs Boots announced she wanted something with diamonds for her birthday

 

Got her a pack of cards

[Alf Bentley]

4 hours ago, Izzy said:

I'm quite excited about my latest delivery from the wine club

 

I've got a semillon

 

So, you're halfway to a (c)hardonn eh?

[Izzy]

Just thought I'd let you all know that I failed my ventriloquists exam yesterday.

 

Can't say I'm surprised. 

[davieG]

[Izzy]

I ate a Kid's Happy Meal at McDonalds, yesterday.

 

His mother was well pissed off with me.

[Buce]

 

Neighbour just called by.

 

"It's about your dog", he said, "he chases everyone he sees on a bike"

 

"You must be mistaken", I said, "he hasn't got a bike"

[Parafox]

10 hours ago, Izzy said:

I'm quite excited about my latest delivery from the wine club

 

I've got a semillon

You never fail .

 

Well I say "never":

 

Just thought I'd let you all know that I failed my ventriloquists exam yesterday.

 

Can't say I'm surprised. 

 

I can't say I understand why some souls seem to see your sense of simple sense of humour sensational

Edited 9 April 2021 by Parafox

[Wolfox]

What's got 813 legs and 16 teeth?






The queue outside Wetherspoons tomorrow morning...

 

 

[iamafox]

Why shouldn't you trust a man with his tools?

 

Because he might screw things up.

[I am Rod Hull]

[Bob Weasel Fox]

A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced rate of £10 as she didn't have a womb. 
Intrigued, I asked how we would do it? 
She replied "Acwoss the woad, against those wailings."

[Mister Singh]

On 09/04/2021 at 15:51, Izzy said:

I ate a Kid's Happy Meal at McDonalds, yesterday.

 

His mother was well pissed off with me.

I bought a 12 year old scotch yesterday, obviously the parents weren't best pleased.

[Ian Nacho]

A mate of mine told me that you have to put on your dipped headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden. How the fvck am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden? 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My local council are proposing raising the council tax to pay for chewing gum removal. 
It’ll never get off the ground.