The joke thread

[Aus Fox]

4 hours ago, isaidno said:

I reckon his new business will really take off

[ozleicester]

wonder if he's trained, or just winging it

[Aus Fox]

1 hour ago, ozleicester said:

wonder if he's trained, or just winging it

He trained online, he had to stream all the lectures he struggled a bit with the jet lag

[MPH]

It’s just been on the news that it’s all kicked off at the at the world tongue-twister championships! One guy was taken to hospital but they’ve arrested the guys who started it.. He’s probably going to get a really long sentence..

[Ian Nacho]

Just heard on the news that Joe Biden has been sworn into office. Bit harsh considering it’s his first day. 

Edited 20 January 2021 by Ian Nacho

[Mike Oxlong]

I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers.

 

[MPH]

1 hour ago, Mike Oxlong said:

I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers.

 

I bet he makes a packet!

[davieG]

1 hour ago, Mike Oxlong said:

I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers.

 

He’s well liked was flavour of the month.

[Izzy]

I was driving down a country lane with the wife recently when I accidentally hit a badger.

I got out the car and the badger was injured and cold.

 

I picked it up and said to the wife “Put it between your legs to warm it up”

 

She said “But it’s all smelly and wet!”

 

So I replied “Well hold its nose then!”

[Buce]

 

Some random bloke just called my phone and told me to meet him naked in the park in an hour.

 

Fvcking weirdo never turned up.

[FoxesDeb]

For a bit of fun in the bedroom last night I thought I'd dress up as a police woman. I whispered to my husband 'you're under arrest, I'm charging you with being amazing in bed' 

 

All charges were dropped after two minutes due to a lack of evidence. 

[foxfanazer]

Apparently when you turn 100 years old you receive a letter from the Queen and when you turn 13 you get a text message from Prince Andrew 

[Oxfordfox83]

A bad limbo dancer walks into a bar.

[Milo]

7 hours ago, Oxfordfox83 said:

A bad limbo dancer walks into a bar.

Lucky ****er...

[Webbo]

A woman went to the doctors and asked him if there was anything he could recommend to make her breasts bigger.

 

Doctor;Have you tried rubbing toilet paper between them? 

 

Woman; Will that work? 

 

Doctor; Well it did for your arse.

[Wolfox]

Elton John has bought a miniature treadmill for his tiny pet rabbit...


It's a little fit bunny.

[isaidno]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.' The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.' Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! 'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair – No Matter How Big They Are.

[Countryfox]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.” The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife”. The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home”. The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife.” The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home” Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. “The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair”

[jonthefox]

What's Irish and sits in the garden all summer?.

 

Paddy o' furniture. 

[Bob666]

[Tinman]

Nicola Sturgeon has announced that Scotland will have a 3 dose vaccination policy...
1st Dose
2nd Dose
And a Fandabbydose

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I'm busy following a recipe and it says "chill in the fridge for an hour."

I've got a book, some snacks and a pint but it's ****ing cramped in here.

[Beliall]

one for @Izzy

 

[Facecloth]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

 

“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”

 

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

 

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

 

The frog says, “Sure . I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

 

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

 

She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”

 

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says… “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

[Izzy]

You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes