Depression

[HighPeakFox]

I'm generally in a good place in my life. I still have bad days - what's changed is my perspective, how I deal with it. 

 

A mistake often made (and I made it a thousand times) is to hope for or expect all the bad things to go away. The trick is to treat the bad days as a reminder and to remember that nothing is forever. 

[chrishlcfc]

Trying to work out why the thing I do a lot is something that I’ve been told is quite dangerous. When I feel really bad which I have done for about 3 weeks now, I tend to stop taking my medication. Now I don’t think that  is what makes me feel bad because I’ve been like that when I’ve been down anyway.

 

But the thing is I literally know it makes me feel worse but yet this is about the 4th different medication where after a few months on it I’ve just decided to stop taking them completely.

 

Think it goes back to my real problem of self sabotaging every single thing I do. I’ve had this problem with my gambling, my weight and now my medication. 
 

Just don’t know what to do about it anymore. 

[HighPeakFox]

2 hours ago, chrishlcfc said:

Trying to work out why the thing I do a lot is something that I’ve been told is quite dangerous. When I feel really bad which I have done for about 3 weeks now, I tend to stop taking my medication. Now I don’t think that  is what makes me feel bad because I’ve been like that when I’ve been down anyway.

 

But the thing is I literally know it makes me feel worse but yet this is about the 4th different medication where after a few months on it I’ve just decided to stop taking them completely.

 

Think it goes back to my real problem of self sabotaging every single thing I do. I’ve had this problem with my gambling, my weight and now my medication. 
 

Just don’t know what to do about it anymore. 

I agree with your self diagnosis. The job you have is to decide if you want to deal with it, and if you, how you go about it. Don't be afraid to get it wrong and start over. 

[spacemunky]

I'm back on Effexor after taking myself off of it about a year and a half ago.

 

Also, trying to do without the drinking and just let the meds do what they do.

[foxfanazer]

I feel in such weird place mentally. Most of the time I feel like I'm only alive to spare my kids the pain of losing a parent to suicide which in itself is an exhausting burden but one I'll continue to stick to. I rarely ever get joy out of anything nowadays and constantly feel fragile  I've pushed people away to the point that they have no interest in me anymore and I make no effort to form new relationships other than one female friend I have who I seem to take out all of my emotional baggage on.

 It sounds awful but sometimes I wish I would die without it being my own doing so at least my children wouldn't remember me as a coward 

[HighPeakFox]

3 minutes ago, foxfanazer said:

I feel in such weird place mentally. Most of the time I feel like I'm only alive to spare my kids the pain of losing a parent to suicide which in itself is an exhausting burden but one I'll continue to stick to. I rarely ever get joy out of anything nowadays and constantly feel fragile  I've pushed people away to the point that they have no interest in me anymore and I make no effort to form new relationships other than one female friend I have who I seem to take out all of my emotional baggage on.

 It sounds awful but sometimes I wish I would die without it being my own doing so at least my children wouldn't remember me as a coward 

Whenever I have my own version of this, I try hard not to 'act out', be that on here or with people I know and care about. I'd much rather someone PMd me than used FT as some sort of medium for trying to displace angst via football/other chat.

 

You know where to find me, and many others I'm sure as well.

[chrishlcfc]

At my worst right now. Done a few positive things the last few days. Spoke to gamcare properly for the 1st time in a while and I’m starting counselling sessions with them tomorrow.

 

Trouble is I’ve been down this path so many times. Whenever I do something to try and help myself that’s when I’m at my most insecure. Since I spoke on Friday like I always seemed to do I self sabotaged my progress. After going 3/4 weeks without gambling Friday night I’d started again.

 

When I speak out it’s like my brain won’t allow me to help myself and I’m just absolutely sick to death with it. Really don’t think I can get through it anymore.

[Crinklyfox]

1 hour ago, chrishlcfc said:

At my worst right now. Done a few positive things the last few days. Spoke to gamcare properly for the 1st time in a while and I’m starting counselling sessions with them tomorrow.

 

Trouble is I’ve been down this path so many times. Whenever I do something to try and help myself that’s when I’m at my most insecure. Since I spoke on Friday like I always seemed to do I self sabotaged my progress. After going 3/4 weeks without gambling Friday night I’d started again.

 

When I speak out it’s like my brain won’t allow me to help myself and I’m just absolutely sick to death with it. Really don’t think I can get through it anymore.

I don't have direct experience of your particular difficulties but one thing I do believe is that we can learn things and we can unlearn them - the brain can be trained.  And when problems have gone on for a while it feels like they are impossible to overcome.  In some cases that's true but for most there is a way through them to a better life.  There are several who post here who have recovered from what seemed overwhelming situations.  Please give yourself a chance to be another of them.

[chrishlcfc]

Tried my hardest the last few days. Been reflecting. Saturday night or early hours of Sunday morning I thought I’d reached the end. I literally sat on a bridge ready to end it all. I know some people on here have mentioned similar experiences and obviously I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. I’m lucky though I changed my mind. Tragically others don’t manage to do that. 
 

Obviously it’s not easy to say that and post it in here. I appreciate it’s not nice for people to read. The last few days I’ve still been bad but I’ve actively looked to get more help.

 

I had counselling today for my gambling. I’ve done it before and find it harder than anything being honest and opening up to people but I know I need to do it to get better.

 

Im trying so hard now to just be a bit more positive. Ok it’s not a quick fix and my head is going to hurt still for a while yet but I know deep down I can hopefully in the end get through this. I just need to tell myself that all the time because I never want to be in the same place I was Saturday night again.

[TiffToff88]

10 hours ago, chrishlcfc said:

Tried my hardest the last few days. Been reflecting. Saturday night or early hours of Sunday morning I thought I’d reached the end. I literally sat on a bridge ready to end it all. I know some people on here have mentioned similar experiences and obviously I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. I’m lucky though I changed my mind. Tragically others don’t manage to do that. 
 

Obviously it’s not easy to say that and post it in here. I appreciate it’s not nice for people to read. The last few days I’ve still been bad but I’ve actively looked to get more help.

 

I had counselling today for my gambling. I’ve done it before and find it harder than anything being honest and opening up to people but I know I need to do it to get better.

 

Im trying so hard now to just be a bit more positive. Ok it’s not a quick fix and my head is going to hurt still for a while yet but I know deep down I can hopefully in the end get through this. I just need to tell myself that all the time because I never want to be in the same place I was Saturday night again.

 

So sorry to hear about your struggles. If you don't mind me asking... What made you change your mind? In times of desperation like what you have been through, there was clearly something telling you that you need to stick around. Focus on those positive aspects of your life. Like you said, there is no quick fix, but having been through a similar situation myself, i just have to remind myself that for all the sh*t i have to go through in my own life, there is so much still to live for

[chrishlcfc]

2 hours ago, TiffToff88 said:

 

So sorry to hear about your struggles. If you don't mind me asking... What made you change your mind? In times of desperation like what you have been through, there was clearly something telling you that you need to stick around. Focus on those positive aspects of your life. Like you said, there is no quick fix, but having been through a similar situation myself, i just have to remind myself that for all the sh*t i have to go through in my own life, there is so much still to live for

Thanks for the response. I think it’s just deep down I know that I don’t really want to die. I’m just trying to run away from basically being in constant pain from my thoughts.

Obviously running away from them is not the way to go, I know that but it’s so hard to stop and confront them head on.

 

Think my trouble is I know my problems and I am trying my hardest to get help and extra support.

 

I just need to be strong enough to get through the barriers that are there. Because all I tend to do every time I get help is self sabotage and end up back at square one and feel worse. It’s like my way of self harming myself I feel. 
 

Really hope you feel better yourself now. 

[urban.spaceman]

On 04/04/2022 at 22:45, chrishlcfc said:

Tried my hardest the last few days. Been reflecting. Saturday night or early hours of Sunday morning I thought I’d reached the end. I literally sat on a bridge ready to end it all. I know some people on here have mentioned similar experiences and obviously I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. I’m lucky though I changed my mind. Tragically others don’t manage to do that. 
 

Obviously it’s not easy to say that and post it in here. I appreciate it’s not nice for people to read. The last few days I’ve still been bad but I’ve actively looked to get more help.

 

I had counselling today for my gambling. I’ve done it before and find it harder than anything being honest and opening up to people but I know I need to do it to get better.

 

Im trying so hard now to just be a bit more positive. Ok it’s not a quick fix and my head is going to hurt still for a while yet but I know deep down I can hopefully in the end get through this. I just need to tell myself that all the time because I never want to be in the same place I was Saturday night again.

Glad you were able to change your mind mate. It’s very easy when in a “normal” headspace to say you never would but if your own thoughts are making you so unwell that you’re in a position to do it, it’s a ****ing horrible space to be in. Had an incident myself a couple of years ago and it scared me. Hope things start to improve for you 

[urban.spaceman]

Whole body has been extremely tense for a couple of weeks now. I think it might just be because I’m waiting to hear back from an application but it also feels at the minute like the whole country is on a ****ing knife edge. I just cannot relax or get any relief. It’s so ****ing exhausting. Not felt like this for quite a few months and I can’t remember how it eased off last time. Just want some peace!

[fox_favourite]

5 hours ago, urban.spaceman said:

Whole body has been extremely tense for a couple of weeks now. I think it might just be because I’m waiting to hear back from an application but it also feels at the minute like the whole country is on a ****ing knife edge. I just cannot relax or get any relief. It’s so ****ing exhausting. Not felt like this for quite a few months and I can’t remember how it eased off last time. Just want some peace!

I know exactly what you mean and I feel the same. I haven’t had a good night sleep this year, always waking up at 3ish and my mind going into hyper drive. I find life a massive struggle these days. I find relaxing hard and I feel burnt out all the time. I’ve had to take some time away from work for that reason. My anxiety is slowly eating into my energy and I’m struggling. I don’t know how long I can keep this up.

 

I have no answer. Family keep saying “stop over thinking things” “try to relax more” but the isn’t easy and how I wish it was. I have no answer anymore to get out of this loop. I have always been a “worrier” as my parents would say, but this is on another level and it’s slowly grinding me down and I’m starting to feel lost in this world. 

Edited 6 April 2022 by fox_favourite

[Guest Basildon Fox]

On 02/04/2022 at 11:40, foxfanazer said:

I feel in such weird place mentally. Most of the time I feel like I'm only alive to spare my kids the pain of losing a parent to suicide which in itself is an exhausting burden but one I'll continue to stick to. I rarely ever get joy out of anything nowadays and constantly feel fragile  I've pushed people away to the point that they have no interest in me anymore and I make no effort to form new relationships other than one female friend I have who I seem to take out all of my emotional baggage on.

 It sounds awful but sometimes I wish I would die without it being my own doing so at least my children wouldn't remember me as a coward 

Was feeling like this myself for a good while, probably 18-24 months.  I also split with my 2nd wife around 9 months ago.  I walked out as I couldn't take the continuous shit anymore. The hardest thing I have ever done is to start pulling my life apart and with it the realisation that I was the majority of the time the main culprit for all my woes.  The not caring was the defence mechanism I used and how my childhood contributed massively to the person I was.  Anger also became a habit which is a hard habit to break.

 

I had a lightbulb moment towards the end of last year about my reactions after ranting at my son after losing a game on the Playstation and he just shook his head at me and walked away.  I sat down and thought to myself what the actual **** are you doing? From there a number of lightbulb moments have happened for me.  I also missed my wife desperately and again the hardest thing to accept is that I and my mental health was the main problem, from the way I perceived things, the way I was reacting to stressful situations and mass anxiety meaning we could never resolve anything. I went off at 300 miles an hour and could barely remember what I had said at the start, every time we had a disagreement or we had to make a decision together.

 

I also realised that wanting more in life is fine, as long as it does not become an obsession.  Being thankful for what I did and do have is far more important than needing a bigger house, a better car etc.

 

I have been having counselling for around 2 months now.  I have also started to reconcile with my wife.  We even went on holiday together last week to Turkey.  I have missed her so much. 

 

I can tell you that having someone makes a big difference to wanting to get up in the morning, smiling genuinely rather than the fake smile behind the tears.  I know that counselling is not for everyone and there has to be an honesty to truly get out of it what you need but it has certainly helped me to start to become a better version of myself.  A more trusting, more forgiving and ultimately much calmer me.  I am a work in progress but feel so much more positive about life and myself.

 

That feeling of would anybody actually give a toss if I died tomorrow is not there currently. I will keep working hard on me to make sure it does not come back. I am aware that there are people who genuinely do care from family, friends, even work colleagues and the world is not such a shitty place after all.  You just need to allow yourself to embrace it. 

[Izzy]

42 minutes ago, Zaphod Beeblebrox said:

 

I also realised that wanting more in life is fine, as long as it does not become an obsession.  Being thankful for what I did and do have is far more important than needing a bigger house, a better car etc.

 

Great post and I wanted to highlight this bit especially.

 

I learnt many years ago that gratitude is a great antidote to anxiety and depression. Just the act of 'getting grateful' in a moment of stress of feeling low can change our focus, physiology, and wellbeing. When we're grateful, there's just no room for the negative thoughts to creep in.

 

Even with the world as fvcked up as it is, we've all got something to be grateful for. Even if it's as simple as a roof over our head, food in the fridge, and people who love and care for us (and obviously following the best football team in the world)

 

Being grateful keeps us grounded and keeps us present and in the moment.

 

I'd recommend everyone gets in the habit of gratitude and notice what a positive difference it makes.

[SpacedX]

3 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I'd recommend everyone gets in the habit of gratitude and notice what a positive difference it makes.

Until we lose tonight in the first leg against PSV 

[Guest Basildon Fox]

48 minutes ago, Zaphod Beeblebrox said:

Was feeling like this myself for a good while, probably 18-24 months.  I also split with my 2nd wife around 9 months ago.  I walked out as I couldn't take the continuous shit anymore. The hardest thing I have ever done is to start pulling my life apart and with it the realisation that I was the majority of the time the main culprit for all my woes.  The not caring was the defence mechanism I used and how my childhood contributed massively to the person I was.  Anger also became a habit which is a hard habit to break.

 

I had a lightbulb moment towards the end of last year about my reactions after ranting at my son after losing a game on the Playstation and he just shook his head at me and walked away.  I sat down and thought to myself what the actual **** are you doing? From there a number of lightbulb moments have happened for me.  I also missed my wife desperately and again the hardest thing to accept is that I and my mental health was the main problem, from the way I perceived things, the way I was reacting to stressful situations and mass anxiety meaning we could never resolve anything. I went off at 300 miles an hour and could barely remember what I had said at the start, every time we had a disagreement or we had to make a decision together.

 

I also realised that wanting more in life is fine, as long as it does not become an obsession.  Being thankful for what I did and do have is far more important than needing a bigger house, a better car etc.

 

I have been having counselling for around 2 months now.  I have also started to reconcile with my wife.  We even went on holiday together last week to Turkey.  I have missed her so much. 

 

I can tell you that having someone makes a big difference to wanting to get up in the morning, smiling genuinely rather than the fake smile behind the tears.  I know that counselling is not for everyone and there has to be an honesty to truly get out of it what you need but it has certainly helped me to start to become a better version of myself.  A more trusting, more forgiving and ultimately much calmer me.  I am a work in progress but feel so much more positive about life and myself.

 

That feeling of would anybody actually give a toss if I died tomorrow is not there currently. I will keep working hard on me to make sure it does not come back. I am aware that there are people who genuinely do care from family, friends, even work colleagues and the world is not such a shitty place after all.  You just need to allow yourself to embrace it. 

Sorry, just to add, it is ok not to be ok.  I spent months telling everybody I was fine than crying myself to sleep.  Telling people how you feel is positive and stops a build up of sadness, frustration and resentment.  You will be amazed at how many people want to help and want the best for you.  It's refreshing to be upfront and honest too.

[Wymsey]

Can't imagine how long of a back log there is for those waiting to see a Counsellor/Therapist - 3 months on average?

 

The cost of living crisis is, understandably, going to impact on a lot of individual's mental health and could make sure medical matters worse nationally.

[HighPeakFox]

3 hours ago, Wymsey said:

Can't imagine how long of a back log there is for those waiting to see a Counsellor/Therapist - 3 months on average?

 

The cost of living crisis is, understandably, going to impact on a lot of individual's mental health and could make sure medical matters worse nationally.

With all due respect, I think this might be a talking point elsewhere, rather than belonging here, perhaps?

[Hollism]

My fiancée left me this week after 4 years. It’s all my fault. I can’t come back from this. I reached out today for counselling. Hope the mental health support isn’t as bad as they say it is in this country else in ****ed.

[ajthefox]

9 minutes ago, Hollism said:

My fiancée left me this week after 4 years. It’s all my fault. I can’t come back from this. I reached out today for counselling. Hope the mental health support isn’t as bad as they say it is in this country else in ****ed.

I'm sorry to hear that mate. I've no idea what you must be going through but it sounds like you're hurting pretty bad. You've already taken positive steps in reaching out and talking on here though. Be proud of yourself for having the courage to do that. Being vulnerable emotionally is a strength.

 

It will take time to heal, but rest assured you can come back from this, and you will. The big picture can be so overwhelming, but that's not how we live. We live in the moments and the days and then one day, we look back at the big picture and it's changed beyond what we could comprehend all that time ago.

 

I always find taking things in small steps and just trying to get through the next hour, or the rest of the day helps me. It helps me avoid getting tied up in big, longer term things that will take a long time to develop/change.

 

Keep going mate. You are stronger than you think you are.

 

Keep posting too, it will help.

 

Sending positive thoughts your way.

[Fightforever]

2 hours ago, Hollism said:

My fiancée left me this week after 4 years. It’s all my fault. I can’t come back from this. I reached out today for counselling. Hope the mental health support isn’t as bad as they say it is in this country else in ****ed.

They have diagnosed me with ADHD and Autism yet I am still waiting to get an appointment to sort out medication and therapy of any sort and its been a year. So good luck.

[Wymsey]

3 hours ago, HighPeakFox said:

With all due respect, I think this might be a talking point elsewhere, rather than belonging here, perhaps?

I understand where you're coming from, particularly with my second point of course, but the first point is very much related to this thread topic.

 

Financial struggles can, literally, break them mentally without timely sufficient support.

 

Edited 7 April 2022 by Wymsey
Wording.

[HighPeakFox]

4 minutes ago, Wymsey said:

I understand where you're coming from, particularly with my second point of course, but the first point is very much related to this thread topic.

 

People struggling financially can, literally, break them without timely sufficient support.

 

Of course - I'm just not sure the value of reinforcing it though.