Depression

[urban.spaceman]

Bittersweet night for me last night - literally 10 minutes after the final whistle my gran rang me to tell me her sister in law of 69 years had died. She was my Great Auntie who’d lived in Botswana since the early 70s and has been my tether to Africa ever since. Her life truly inspired me to see more, do more. I spoke to her son last night and we were reminiscing about my trips there. 

 

The last few weeks I’ve found myself longing to get off this miserable island for good. Now I’m ****ing desperate. I just want to leave, set up my life in Bots or Cape Town, even Namibia. I just can’t hack it here any more but I just don’t know how to do it !

Edited 15 April 2022 by urban.spaceman

[Jattdogg]

1 minute ago, urban.spaceman said:

Bittersweet night for me last night - literally 10 minutes after the final whistle my gran rang me to tell me her sister in law of 69 years had died. She was my Great Auntie who’d lived in Botswana since the early 70s and has been my tether to Africa ever since. Her life truly inspired me to see more, do more. I spoke to her son last night and we were reminiscing about my trips there. 

 

The last few weeks I’ve found myself longing to get off this miserable island for good. Now I’m ****ing desperate. I just want to leave, set up my life in Bots or Cape Town, even Namibia. I just can’t hack it here any more. 

Sorry to hear that news.

 

If another place makes you feel good, go for it!  A colleague of mine needed change, left Canada and is now in portugal happier than ever and feeling 1000000 times better. One of her daughters had moved there a few years earlier for work so im sure that helps as they live together now. 

 

You will always have england if things dont work out.

[chrishlcfc]

Not that I’ve been feeling bad as such the last few days, in fact I’ve actually not been doing too bad.

 

But the time has come for me to go back to work tomorrow again and I’m absolutely dreading it. So nervous to be going back, people will be asking ‘where have you been’ and stuff like that. Can’t say I’m ready for it but if I have that attitude I’ll never be ready.

 

Just so nervous and anxious to be returning though, literally almost shaking with fear. 

[Crinklyfox]

1 hour ago, chrishlcfc said:

Not that I’ve been feeling bad as such the last few days, in fact I’ve actually not been doing too bad.

 

But the time has come for me to go back to work tomorrow again and I’m absolutely dreading it. So nervous to be going back, people will be asking ‘where have you been’ and stuff like that. Can’t say I’m ready for it but if I have that attitude I’ll never be ready.

 

Just so nervous and anxious to be returning though, literally almost shaking with fear. 

It's natural to fear bad events, but the reality is that the future is rarely as terrible as our imaginations lead us to believe.  In the grand scheme of things, what is the worst that could happen when you return to work?  And how likely is that?  Unless your colleagues are all ignorant most of them should be pleased to see that you are well enough to return and some may be genuinely concerned that you have not been well and could be supportive.

[Lionator]

1 hour ago, chrishlcfc said:

Not that I’ve been feeling bad as such the last few days, in fact I’ve actually not been doing too bad.

 

But the time has come for me to go back to work tomorrow again and I’m absolutely dreading it. So nervous to be going back, people will be asking ‘where have you been’ and stuff like that. Can’t say I’m ready for it but if I have that attitude I’ll never be ready.

 

Just so nervous and anxious to be returning though, literally almost shaking with fear. 

It’s definitely good to accept that it will be a difficult situation regardless. However you need to get it done tomorrow or else you’ll just be delaying and dragging that anxiety out for longer. Do you have a plan as to what you’ll say if they ask you? Chances are they probably won’t care (in a nice way). You could plan to tell them that you’ve been struggling a bit and you might find they’re very supportive. Or you can say you’ve had long covid or something like that as a back up plan. Either way, you’ve got this champ and you’ll feel much better once you’ve done it! 

[String fellow]

3 hours ago, chrishlcfc said:

Not that I’ve been feeling bad as such the last few days, in fact I’ve actually not been doing too bad.

 

But the time has come for me to go back to work tomorrow again and I’m absolutely dreading it. So nervous to be going back, people will be asking ‘where have you been’ and stuff like that. Can’t say I’m ready for it but if I have that attitude I’ll never be ready.

 

Just so nervous and anxious to be returning though, literally almost shaking with fear. 

I sympathise and empathise with how you feel. I used to dread going back to work after time off for any reason. My immediate thinking in your situation would be that it's only four days until the weekend, so there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Personally, I've felt really down over Easter. I can always tell, because I stay indoors and find myself destroying old paperwork, and deleting old emails and old computer files, as a way of cutting some of the links between the past and the present. 

[Guest Basildon Fox]

7 hours ago, chrishlcfc said:

Not that I’ve been feeling bad as such the last few days, in fact I’ve actually not been doing too bad.

 

But the time has come for me to go back to work tomorrow again and I’m absolutely dreading it. So nervous to be going back, people will be asking ‘where have you been’ and stuff like that. Can’t say I’m ready for it but if I have that attitude I’ll never be ready.

 

Just so nervous and anxious to be returning though, literally almost shaking with fear. 

Just focus on what positive things you will do tomorrow. Try not to worry on the if's buts and maybes.

 

I am sure people will have been through similar or have a friend or family member who has. 

[SeCrEt FoX]

It hurts reading through some of these posts and brings back memories. I know the feeling, it's not gonna get any better! It never will and its pointless living! I hate my life! How long does this feeling last? Well it lasts as long as either changing things around or get help! But like I've said before only you can drag yourself out of it, noone else! It is hard but if you want to feel better then make tomorrow the day you get help, or change job or just F**k off the negative people in your life. Believe me it does work. I've dealt with some shit over the last 20+ years and I did exactly what I said above, I changed my life around. I ain't well off, live in a big house or have a well paid job, I'm just as normal as you. Start of with occupying your thoughts like reading, gaming, walking, cycling, running, painting you know just absolutely anything you enjoy and there's a start. Set some targets for yourself, book a holiday or organise a trip with friends and family you enjoy the company of. Please trust me, I have no confidence and I was lowest of the low and Im not a strong minded person but I did it. I still feel down and depressed sometimes, I think everyone does. But now I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore and I'm much happier than ever! I have a wife and kids and I dragged them through my shit! They didn't deserve it at all. I've lost people so close to me from suicides (yes more than 1) and it ****s everyone's life up so I never could go through with it. If 1 person thinks your a **** up theirs another 10 who adore you! Honestly. 

Like I said there is no magic wand just be positive! You have to want it to work! Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life, and life is precious! Go turn it around! 

 

Sorry for the long post. But have a go trust me 👍 

Edited 18 April 2022 by SeCrEt FoX
Grammar 🧓🏻

[MPH]

On 15/04/2022 at 19:06, urban.spaceman said:

Bittersweet night for me last night - literally 10 minutes after the final whistle my gran rang me to tell me her sister in law of 69 years had died. She was my Great Auntie who’d lived in Botswana since the early 70s and has been my tether to Africa ever since. Her life truly inspired me to see more, do more. I spoke to her son last night and we were reminiscing about my trips there. 

 

The last few weeks I’ve found myself longing to get off this miserable island for good. Now I’m ****ing desperate. I just want to leave, set up my life in Bots or Cape Town, even Namibia. I just can’t hack it here any more but I just don’t know how to do it !

 

On 15/04/2022 at 19:10, Jattdogg said:

Sorry to hear that news.

 

If another place makes you feel good, go for it!  A colleague of mine needed change, left Canada and is now in portugal happier than ever and feeling 1000000 times better. One of her daughters had moved there a few years earlier for work so im sure that helps as they live together now. 

 

You will always have england if things dont work out.

 

I would add  the idea to truly analyze that it’s what you want. I know a guy who was struggling with depression quite a few years ago ( ) who literally did that- moved country completely. But it took away his complete support network, his family, friends - any stability he knew. And he had to start a fresh but he was on his own and the demons followed him but he didn’t have the friends there to help him. So if it’s what you want, absolutely go for it… just make sure it’s the fresh start you need/ want   Andit’s not a method of escaping the demons as they can follow you for sure.. best to try and give them the slip first and then move. Apparently.

Edited 18 April 2022 by MPH

[Fosse93]

On 18/04/2022 at 12:33, chrishlcfc said:

Not that I’ve been feeling bad as such the last few days, in fact I’ve actually not been doing too bad.

 

But the time has come for me to go back to work tomorrow again and I’m absolutely dreading it. So nervous to be going back, people will be asking ‘where have you been’ and stuff like that. Can’t say I’m ready for it but if I have that attitude I’ll never be ready.

 

Just so nervous and anxious to be returning though, literally almost shaking with fear. 

Hope today went OK mate!

[chrishlcfc]

11 minutes ago, Fosse93 said:

Hope today went OK mate!

Thanks for asking. It wasn’t too bad. Think most people thought I’d left to be honest . Can’t say I really enjoyed it but it’s out the way at least.

[Izzy]

9 minutes ago, chrishlcfc said:

Thanks for asking. It wasn’t too bad. Think most people thought I’d left to be honest . Can’t say I really enjoyed it but it’s out the way at least.

You laugh but I've learnt over the years that most people are too tied up with their own shit and concerns to think about me or my problems.

 

I used to worry what people thought about me and then someone told me "remember, it's none of your business what anyone else thinks about you!" and it really stuck with me.

 

My daughter suffers hugely with paranoia and worries about what her friends think and say about her all the time, but the truth is they're probably more focused on their own insecurities.

 

We build up all this anxiety about how others will judge us but it's a total waste of time and effort IMO.

 

Be yourself, respect yourself, forgive yourself, and love yourself. That's all that matters.

 

[chrishlcfc]

36 minutes ago, Izzy said:

You laugh but I've learnt over the years that most people are too tied up with their own shit and concerns to think about me or my problems.

 

I used to worry what people thought about me and then someone told me "remember, it's none of your business what anyone else thinks about you!" and it really stuck with me.

 

My daughter suffers hugely with paranoia and worries about what her friends think and say about her all the time, but the truth is they're probably more focused on their own insecurities.

 

We build up all this anxiety about how others will judge us but it's a total waste of time and effort IMO.

 

Be yourself, respect yourself, forgive yourself, and love yourself. That's all that matters.

 

The last 3 paragraphs of that are me all over. I’ve probably been like that for 15 years or half my life. Difficult cycle to get out of.

 

Especially the last one, I hate myself, don’t respect myself and try and be someone I’m not all the time. 
 

But I’ll get there one day as I’m sure your daughter will as well hopefully. Just hope it’s sooner rather than later, only myself who can change that.

[weller54]

9 hours ago, pmcla26 said:

It really sucks seeing someone else with that person, living out all the plans you made with them. 

Can relate to this..

It slowly destroys you.😢

 

[Izzy]

9 hours ago, chrishlcfc said:

The last 3 paragraphs of that are me all over. I’ve probably been like that for 15 years or half my life. Difficult cycle to get out of.

 

Especially the last one, I hate myself, don’t respect myself and try and be someone I’m not all the time. 
 

But I’ll get there one day as I’m sure your daughter will as well hopefully. Just hope it’s sooner rather than later, only myself who can change that.

Makes me sad to read that mate  We really can't expect other people to love and respect us if we don't love and respect ourselves first. 

 

And trying to be someone we're not is exhausting in my experience. The moment you except yourself for who you really are, the moment life will become easier to navigate.

 

Nobody is perfect and we're all fvcked up in our own special way. Yet we all have individual strengths and talents too that the world needs to see.

 

Let your diamond shine and as Judy Garland said "always be a first rate version of you, not a second rate version of somebody else"

 

[gerblod]

On 03/04/2022 at 14:19, chrishlcfc said:

At my worst right now. Done a few positive things the last few days. Spoke to gamcare properly for the 1st time in a while and I’m starting counselling sessions with them tomorrow.

 

Trouble is I’ve been down this path so many times. Whenever I do something to try and help myself that’s when I’m at my most insecure. Since I spoke on Friday like I always seemed to do I self sabotaged my progress. After going 3/4 weeks without gambling Friday night I’d started again.

 

When I speak out it’s like my brain won’t allow me to help myself and I’m just absolutely sick to death with it. Really don’t think I can get through it anymore.

I understand this very much - the feeling that there's some aspect of yourself that seems intent on diverting you away from a positive path. I think of it as a fork in the road you approach and, instead of taking the 'right' path you make the familiar and negative choice.

Then comes the self-flagellation - the critical parent thing.

I think it's a pattern we learn in childhood, often stuff that happened to us that we thought was 'normal' and therefore unimportant.

I 'woke up' a couple of years ago when I became aware I'd experienced significant trauma as a child. Not abuse of any kind, but deeply affecting negative experiences. 

There's a new schleb programme (Tuesdays at 9:00) on the Beeb - a guy called Wim Hof using breathing techniques and cold therapy to help release stored trauma. There's also a lot of work being done with Psylocibin (magic mushrooms) - using it to break old patterns which have led to depression.

I believe it's about breaking down these old patterns and establishing fresh ones. The hard part is balancing the desire for the familiar with the fear of the new. Even though you know the old patterns are unhealthy, they're (weirdly) comfortable. I wish you well.

 

[chrishlcfc]

1 hour ago, Izzy said:

Makes me sad to read that mate  We really can't expect other people to love and respect us if we don't love and respect ourselves first. 

 

And trying to be someone we're not is exhausting in my experience. The moment you except yourself for who you really are, the moment life will become easier to navigate.

 

 

These are me, this is why I’m really hopeful CBT when I get round to receiving it may be pretty beneficial to me. My brain needs re routing a little bit.

 

Its like I’m 30 I’ve never had a girlfriend. I won’t because every day I sit here and call myself fat and ugly and then I daren’t even talk to a girl let alone put myself out there. 
 

It’s not a simple problem to get out of. I’ve been the most negative of people for basically my whole life. It’s what effects absolutely all my problems in life.

 

I know it but just struggle to change and that’s where hopefully some more constant therapy will be helpful to me.

[MPH]

@urban.spaceman haven’t seen you around for a while chap. Just checking in on you to see how you are doing!

[Parafox]

On 20/04/2022 at 09:33, gerblod said:

a guy called Wim Hof using breathing techniques and cold therapy to help release stored trauma.

I watched the episode where the celebs had to breathe deeply a number of times then exhale and not inhale for IIRC, 40 seconds and use their minds to control it by thinking of trauma that has happened to them. Several were in tears and all became emotional

[Lionator]

29 minutes ago, Parafox said:

I watched the episode where the celebs had to breathe deeply a number of times then exhale and not inhale for IIRC, 40 seconds and use their minds to control it by thinking of trauma that has happened to them. Several were in tears and all became emotional

I would say to just be careful while doing this, both for physical and psychological reasons. Wim Hof is great but his methods won’t work for everyone. What is important to remember is that being in the present is one of our most powerful tools. Remember anxiety is worrying about the future and depression is thinking of bad things in the past. The present is the safest place to be!

[Lionator]

On 20/04/2022 at 09:52, chrishlcfc said:

These are me, this is why I’m really hopeful CBT when I get round to receiving it may be pretty beneficial to me. My brain needs re routing a little bit.

 

Its like I’m 30 I’ve never had a girlfriend. I won’t because every day I sit here and call myself fat and ugly and then I daren’t even talk to a girl let alone put myself out there. 
 

It’s not a simple problem to get out of. I’ve been the most negative of people for basically my whole life. It’s what effects absolutely all my problems in life.

 

I know it but just struggle to change and that’s where hopefully some more constant therapy will be helpful to me.

Sounds like CBT will be a good chance for you! One thing to remember is that while you’re afraid of rejection, you’ve never tested the opposite of that, so even if you get rejected, it’s still better than sitting at home having never tried!! But I think you can surprise yourself 

[lildave3]

This thread is always so damn useful. 

[chrishlcfc]

Feeling so awful the last few days again. There will become a day soon when I just give up to the temptations in my head.

[Crinklyfox]

9 hours ago, chrishlcfc said:

Feeling so awful the last few days again. There will become a day soon when I just give up to the temptations in my head.

You need to break whatever cycle you're in.  Nobody wants to be in constant pain or mental anguish, but for the latter for most of us there are solutions other than death.  At least give therapy a try, it could work and what have you got to lose waiting a little while for the therapy.

 

There are also probably some things you could do to raise your self-esteem.  Have you ever considered charity work?  That could benefit people who are in need of support, and you would be doing something useful and be appreciated for giving your time.  I've been a Trustee for a charity supporting children with special educational needs, and the help that we were able to give these children together with the support we could offer to their parents gave me a boost, it was a real win-win situation.

[ajthefox]

On 29/04/2022 at 00:20, chrishlcfc said:

Feeling so awful the last few days again. There will become a day soon when I just give up to the temptations in my head.

Keep going mate. Don't give up. You can pull through this, step by step. Sending positive vibes your way my man.