Depression

[Foxxed]

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

So after months of procrastination, I've finally decided that I need to go back and see my therapist.

 

It's probably been four years since my last session, but the time is right to seek help again. I'm not in a great place right now...

 

Even though I 'get it' intellectually and fully understand the psychology behind depression, I'm finding myself having darker and darker thoughts about my mortality. And I know they're only thoughts and I know I don't have to believe them, but something has shifted significantly for me this year.

 

I know this sounds really fvcked up, but I'd be more than happy if one day soon I went to sleep and didn't wake up. I'm not suicidal or thinking of taking my own life - but I'm totally at peace with the thought of death and I know that sounds really odd.

 

It's almost like I've done everything that I've wanted to do in life now. I've seen the world, got married and had two beautiful kids and I'm eternally grateful for that - but I just don't want to get old and suffer continued ill health anymore.

 

I'm only in my mid forties but my health has been deteriorating for the last five or so years following major surgery. Even with the miracles of modern science I'm only going to get worse and I can't face the thought of being immobile, incontinent and relying on others to help me function. The thought makes me sick and I sort of want to quit while I'm still relatively active.

 

The fact is that I'm wasting away and feel like a rack of bones. My weight has dropped to 8 stone and I've just got no energy for it anymore. I try to play golf but recently I've had to quit after 9 holes as I'm just exhausted or I've injured something. My joints are fvcked and I can barely swing a club sometimes.

 

My medication makes me drowsy and my 'zombie like' state makes working pretty tough. I'm lucky that I work from home but my daily 'cat naps' are becoming more frequent and I could easily just spend the day in bed if I could. I'm up all night with my condition and never get more than a few hours sleep at a time. I wish I could get 8 hours solid sleep like 'normal' people.

 

I try to play with the kids but they knacker me out. We're going back to Disney Orlando in August for the final time (I've massively overspent and can't really afford it) but I know I won't have the energy to walk around theme parks for two weeks solid.

 

I know this sounds like a 'woe is me' post and I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, but I've had enough of it all really.

 

I'm convinced the after life will be a better place for me and I long to exist pain free again. I miss my health and the simple things I used to be able to do like go on the piss, eat crappy food and travel around watching City play. I've had a great life and many happy memories so I'm not complaining, but the future isn't compelling enough for me and I don't look forward to things any longer.

 

Maybe it's a mid life crisis? I dunno. But I'm going back for counselling to give it another shot. Maybe I need to go back on anti-depressants again, but I can't be arsed with taking even more pills - I'm like a walking pharmacy as it is...

 

I just want my old life back I suppose, and I realise I've never really come to terms with my current set of circumstances. I've changed so much from the 'old me' and I don't like what I see in the mirror these days.

 

So there you go. I'm not sure I feel any better for posting this but I felt the need to, so I did.

 

Anyway, take care my fellow Foxes and cherish your health. Without it you're fvcked, so look after yourselves  

 

 

Really sorry to hear that mate. I can understand how poor health can really hurt your mental well-being. I think it's great you're going to see your therapist. They are trained to help you. And any gain in your well-being, I believe, well help your physical well-being too since they tend to affect each other. Going out your way to do things that'll create a belly laugh, be it your TV program on youtube or whatever, can often help. And if nothing else will give you a welcome respite. It's great you're seeking help, talking about it and doing something to help since those take the most strength and, in my opinion, are the most important parts.

[ozleicester]

2 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

So after months of procrastination, I've finally decided that I need to go back and see my therapist.

 

It's probably been four years since my last session, but the time is right to seek help again. I'm not in a great place right now...

 

Even though I 'get it' intellectually and fully understand the psychology behind depression, I'm finding myself having darker and darker thoughts about my mortality. And I know they're only thoughts and I know I don't have to believe them, but something has shifted significantly for me this year.

 

I know this sounds really fvcked up, but I'd be more than happy if one day soon I went to sleep and didn't wake up. I'm not suicidal or thinking of taking my own life - but I'm totally at peace with the thought of death and I know that sounds really odd.

 

It's almost like I've done everything that I've wanted to do in life now. I've seen the world, got married and had two beautiful kids and I'm eternally grateful for that - but I just don't want to get old and suffer continued ill health anymore.

 

I'm only in my mid forties but my health has been deteriorating for the last five or so years following major surgery. Even with the miracles of modern science I'm only going to get worse and I can't face the thought of being immobile, incontinent and relying on others to help me function. The thought makes me sick and I sort of want to quit while I'm still relatively active.

 

The fact is that I'm wasting away and feel like a rack of bones. My weight has dropped to 8 stone and I've just got no energy for it anymore. I try to play golf but recently I've had to quit after 9 holes as I'm just exhausted or I've injured something. My joints are fvcked and I can barely swing a club sometimes.

 

My medication makes me drowsy and my 'zombie like' state makes working pretty tough. I'm lucky that I work from home but my daily 'cat naps' are becoming more frequent and I could easily just spend the day in bed if I could. I'm up all night with my condition and never get more than a few hours sleep at a time. I wish I could get 8 hours solid sleep like 'normal' people.

 

I try to play with the kids but they knacker me out. We're going back to Disney Orlando in August for the final time (I've massively overspent and can't really afford it) but I know I won't have the energy to walk around theme parks for two weeks solid.

 

I know this sounds like a 'woe is me' post and I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, but I've had enough of it all really.

 

I'm convinced the after life will be a better place for me and I long to exist pain free again. I miss my health and the simple things I used to be able to do like go on the piss, eat crappy food and travel around watching City play. I've had a great life and many happy memories so I'm not complaining, but the future isn't compelling enough for me and I don't look forward to things any longer.

 

Maybe it's a mid life crisis? I dunno. But I'm going back for counselling to give it another shot. Maybe I need to go back on anti-depressants again, but I can't be arsed with taking even more pills - I'm like a walking pharmacy as it is...

 

I just want my old life back I suppose, and I realise I've never really come to terms with my current set of circumstances. I've changed so much from the 'old me' and I don't like what I see in the mirror these days.

 

So there you go. I'm not sure I feel any better for posting this but I felt the need to, so I did.

 

Anyway, take care my fellow Foxes and cherish your health. Without it you're fvcked, so look after yourselves  

 

 

Hey mate, really sorry to hear that. Please do get along to the Doc, there may be another new you around the corner.

 

While i dont have personal experience, I especially understand the exhaustion factor and wish it were not so for you. Keep chasing and talking to people, there are new things, adjustments and changes happeneing all of the time and a good GP/counsellor will help you find and try.

 

Orlando sounds fantastic... bugger the overspend it will be worth it and you will find ways to manange the walking, none of us (lol especially as we get older) can do all of the things we used ..or would like to be able to do, but...no matter what you will have a ball. Make the most of what you have.

 

Sorry if it all seems a bit glib and i know its not that easy but stick with it, if for nothing else but the good you do for everyone here.

[spacemunky]

Best thoughts to you Izzy.

 

Without going in to my long story, I can relate.

 

You're posts have been helpful.

 

 

[Crinklyfox]

8 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

So after months of procrastination, I've finally decided that I need to go back and see my therapist.

 

It's probably been four years since my last session, but the time is right to seek help again. I'm not in a great place right now...

 

Even though I 'get it' intellectually and fully understand the psychology behind depression, I'm finding myself having darker and darker thoughts about my mortality. And I know they're only thoughts and I know I don't have to believe them, but something has shifted significantly for me this year.

 

I know this sounds really fvcked up, but I'd be more than happy if one day soon I went to sleep and didn't wake up. I'm not suicidal or thinking of taking my own life - but I'm totally at peace with the thought of death and I know that sounds really odd.

 

It's almost like I've done everything that I've wanted to do in life now. I've seen the world, got married and had two beautiful kids and I'm eternally grateful for that - but I just don't want to get old and suffer continued ill health anymore.

 

I'm only in my mid forties but my health has been deteriorating for the last five or so years following major surgery. Even with the miracles of modern science I'm only going to get worse and I can't face the thought of being immobile, incontinent and relying on others to help me function. The thought makes me sick and I sort of want to quit while I'm still relatively active.

 

The fact is that I'm wasting away and feel like a rack of bones. My weight has dropped to 8 stone and I've just got no energy for it anymore. I try to play golf but recently I've had to quit after 9 holes as I'm just exhausted or I've injured something. My joints are fvcked and I can barely swing a club sometimes.

 

My medication makes me drowsy and my 'zombie like' state makes working pretty tough. I'm lucky that I work from home but my daily 'cat naps' are becoming more frequent and I could easily just spend the day in bed if I could. I'm up all night with my condition and never get more than a few hours sleep at a time. I wish I could get 8 hours solid sleep like 'normal' people.

 

I try to play with the kids but they knacker me out. We're going back to Disney Orlando in August for the final time (I've massively overspent and can't really afford it) but I know I won't have the energy to walk around theme parks for two weeks solid.

 

I know this sounds like a 'woe is me' post and I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, but I've had enough of it all really.

 

I'm convinced the after life will be a better place for me and I long to exist pain free again. I miss my health and the simple things I used to be able to do like go on the piss, eat crappy food and travel around watching City play. I've had a great life and many happy memories so I'm not complaining, but the future isn't compelling enough for me and I don't look forward to things any longer.

 

Maybe it's a mid life crisis? I dunno. But I'm going back for counselling to give it another shot. Maybe I need to go back on anti-depressants again, but I can't be arsed with taking even more pills - I'm like a walking pharmacy as it is...

 

I just want my old life back I suppose, and I realise I've never really come to terms with my current set of circumstances. I've changed so much from the 'old me' and I don't like what I see in the mirror these days.

 

So there you go. I'm not sure I feel any better for posting this but I felt the need to, so I did.

 

Anyway, take care my fellow Foxes and cherish your health. Without it you're fvcked, so look after yourselves  

 

 

Izzy I can't relate to the particular issues you're going through as I have no personal experience.  I have, however, been in the place where I thought that non-existence would be better than existence because existence is too hard.

 

You're a very positive person, that comes across from your many posts when you have reached out to those in need.  It is totally understandable that you don't want to continue to suffer as you are but I get the impression that you don't really want to cease your existence, what you want is to be well again.  I don't know if that is possible but medical science is always progressing and medical specialists may be able to help you cope, including your therapist.

 

I'm sure that working and day to day living is tough for you.  Most people in your condition would find it hard enough just to get by but you manage to find the will not only to do so but to reach out to others that need help.  This is truly admirable and I believe that to many contributors to this thread, including myself, you're a star.  

 

Our living time is extremely limited in the grand scheme of things.  As we age the number of 'good days' can decrease compared to the number of 'bad days' but isn't it worth the struggle to get the good days that are still ahead?  Twenty years ago I had a condition that I thought would kill me, thankfully it didn't but I had long period when I thought that I couldn't go on.  When bad things happen to us every day it wears down our resistance, and as I once said in a previous post, it's like the shock absorbers on your car, when they're worn down every little bump feels like a chasm.  I'm guessing that's where you are now.

 

I recovered from my condition with medical treatment but mentally it took me longer to stop looking inward and start moving forward with my life again.  If I'd accepted non-existence I would have missed many good things in life, including my children growing up and of course City winning the Premier League!  The future is an unknown country, we don't know what we will find there, but it could make the struggle worthwhile.  Please see your GP, your therapist and anyone else that may be able to help you, and keep posting.  The world needs more Izzys, not less.

[Nick]

On 8 May 2017 at 19:04, TK95 said:

Thanks for all the advice, I have heartfelt appreciation. 

As I'm still at university, I registered today at the counselling and well-being service. 

I had heard of this many times but never visited until now.

The lady at the desk was very supportive, made me fill in a form and I should hopefully be seen by one of the counselors this week. 

Will then take it from there.

I know it'll be hard to let it all come out in that first session, but I feel a lot better having made this initial step.

 

When I came back this eve, one of my flatmates asked where I was earlier as she needed to borrow something.

So I told her the truth, like you guys said, it's better to talk and be open about it.

But what she told me, I didn't realise she had actually been using the service for a few months now. 

Like myself, she also tried to hide many of her problems. But is grateful that she did eventually seek help. I had no idea

 

It seems mental health can affect us all. Having read through some of this thread too, it overwhelms me with support that I'm not so alone.

Together I hope we can all fight this and raise awareness. I wish others luck in their recovery too

 

So, the big question here is.....

 

Did you fancy her?

 

(Not the lady at the desk)

 

[Nick]

9 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

So after months of procrastination, I've finally decided that I need to go back and see my therapist.

 

It's probably been four years since my last session, but the time is right to seek help again. I'm not in a great place right now...

 

Even though I 'get it' intellectually and fully understand the psychology behind depression, I'm finding myself having darker and darker thoughts about my mortality. And I know they're only thoughts and I know I don't have to believe them, but something has shifted significantly for me this year.

 

I know this sounds really fvcked up, but I'd be more than happy if one day soon I went to sleep and didn't wake up. I'm not suicidal or thinking of taking my own life - but I'm totally at peace with the thought of death and I know that sounds really odd.

 

It's almost like I've done everything that I've wanted to do in life now. I've seen the world, got married and had two beautiful kids and I'm eternally grateful for that - but I just don't want to get old and suffer continued ill health anymore.

 

I'm only in my mid forties but my health has been deteriorating for the last five or so years following major surgery. Even with the miracles of modern science I'm only going to get worse and I can't face the thought of being immobile, incontinent and relying on others to help me function. The thought makes me sick and I sort of want to quit while I'm still relatively active.

 

The fact is that I'm wasting away and feel like a rack of bones. My weight has dropped to 8 stone and I've just got no energy for it anymore. I try to play golf but recently I've had to quit after 9 holes as I'm just exhausted or I've injured something. My joints are fvcked and I can barely swing a club sometimes.

 

My medication makes me drowsy and my 'zombie like' state makes working pretty tough. I'm lucky that I work from home but my daily 'cat naps' are becoming more frequent and I could easily just spend the day in bed if I could. I'm up all night with my condition and never get more than a few hours sleep at a time. I wish I could get 8 hours solid sleep like 'normal' people.

 

I try to play with the kids but they knacker me out. We're going back to Disney Orlando in August for the final time (I've massively overspent and can't really afford it) but I know I won't have the energy to walk around theme parks for two weeks solid.

 

I know this sounds like a 'woe is me' post and I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, but I've had enough of it all really.

 

I'm convinced the after life will be a better place for me and I long to exist pain free again. I miss my health and the simple things I used to be able to do like go on the piss, eat crappy food and travel around watching City play. I've had a great life and many happy memories so I'm not complaining, but the future isn't compelling enough for me and I don't look forward to things any longer.

 

Maybe it's a mid life crisis? I dunno. But I'm going back for counselling to give it another shot. Maybe I need to go back on anti-depressants again, but I can't be arsed with taking even more pills - I'm like a walking pharmacy as it is...

 

I just want my old life back I suppose, and I realise I've never really come to terms with my current set of circumstances. I've changed so much from the 'old me' and I don't like what I see in the mirror these days.

 

So there you go. I'm not sure I feel any better for posting this but I felt the need to, so I did.

 

Anyway, take care my fellow Foxes and cherish your health. Without it you're fvcked, so look after yourselves  

 

 

 

The crux of that to be honest very moving post, for me is that somehow you have to find a way of getting some serotonin back in you. 

 

I hope you begin to look forward to things again soon buddy. I think for what its worth you are making the right moves.

[Izzy]

@Foxxed

@ozleicester

@spacemunky

@Crinklyfox

@Swan Lesta

 

Thank you all for your kind words of support.

 

I feel like such a hypocrite and fraud on this thread. Here's me offering support and advice to others and I'm just as fvcked up as everyone else (if not more so)

 

So it's time for me to stop preaching and pretending I know it all, and actually take action to sort myself out. I'm the epitome of the saying "Those who can - do, and those you can't do - teach" (and those who can't teach - work in HR ) 

 

As Swan says, I know I'm lacking in serotonin so I've booked an appointment with my GP to discuss going back onto Fluoxetine (Prozac) again. I thought I could beat this with a positive mindset alone, but the truth is I need some medical and professional assistance whether I like it or not.

 

I still stand by my post and thoughts from last night, but I have to think of my kids and their future which is more important than mine.

 

Thanks again guys - love and respect to all of ya...

 

[Buce]

6 hours ago, Swan Lesta said:

 

So, the big question here is.....

 

Did you fancy her?

 

(Not the lady at the desk)

 

 

I have not wanted to ask that question for two days.

 

I am far too grown up.

[Buce]

 

Hey, @Izzy Muzzett

 

Thinking of you, mate.

[HybridFox]

6 hours ago, Swan Lesta said:

 

So, the big question here is.....

 

Did you fancy her?

 

(Not the lady at the desk)

 

Haha no 

Well she is good-looking to be fair but nah we're poles apart

[Nick]

Just now, TK95 said:

Haha no 

Well she is good-looking to be fair but nah we're poles apart

As Robin Williams tells his counselling students in Good Will Hunting.....

 

NAIL THEM WHILST THEY'RE VULNERABLE!

 

[HybridFox]

2 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

@Foxxed

@ozleicester

@spacemunky

@Crinklyfox

@Swan Lesta

 

Thank you all for your kind words of support.

 

I feel like such a hypocrite and fraud on this thread. Here's me offering support and advice to others and I'm just as fvcked up as everyone else (if not more so)

 

So it's time for me to stop preaching and pretending I know it all, and actually take action to sort myself out. I'm the epitome of the saying "Those who can - do, and those you can't do - teach" (and those who can't teach - work in HR ) 

 

As Swan says, I know I'm lacking in serotonin so I've booked an appointment with my GP to discuss going back onto Fluoxetine (Prozac) again. I thought I could beat this with a positive mindset alone, but the truth is I need some medical and professional assistance whether I like it or not.

 

I still stand by my post and thoughts from last night, but I have to think of my kids and their future which is more important than mine.

 

Thanks again guys - love and respect to all of ya...

 

You're not a fraud mate. It takes guts to help others when you have so much going on in your own life.

That is testament to you as a person.

Like you said, keep thinking of the positive things in your life like your family.

You're not alone in the battle and there is always light at the end of the tunnel

[HybridFox]

I finally saw the university counselor today.

She was surprised I left it so long.

It was difficult, I didn't expect her to ask certain questions and I did break down in tears at one point.

But I feel if she wasn't so direct, I would not have opened up.

 

I feel glad though that I've got things off my chest, I do have a sense of purpose now.

I regret not seeking help earlier, maybe things would have different. It could be challenging times ahead but the important thing is to not beat myself up about what might have been and believe in myself for a brighter future.

I'm not sure how I'd react if I take another setback in life though, but I have to hope for the best.

 

I have a second appointment towards the end of the month.

She didn't mention anything about possible medication or referrals, it was more trying to make me think positively and remove these negative thoughts.

So I'm not sure if I should hold off going to the GP yet?

If I could avoid medication, I would. But from what some have said, it can help

[Nick]

2 minutes ago, TK95 said:

I finally saw the university counselor today.

She was surprised I left it so long.

It was difficult, I didn't expect her to ask certain questions and I did break down in tears at one point.

But I feel if she wasn't so direct, I would not have opened up.

 

I feel glad though that I've got things off my chest, I do have a sense of purpose now.

I regret not seeking help earlier, maybe things would have different. It could be challenging times ahead but the important thing is to not beat myself up about what might have been and believe in myself for a brighter future.

I'm not sure how I'd react if I take another setback in life though, but I have to hope for the best.

 

I have a second appointment towards the end of the month.

She didn't mention anything about possible medication or referrals, it was more trying to make me think positively and remove these negative thoughts.

So I'm not sure if I should hold off going to the GP yet?

If I could avoid medication, I would. But from what some have said, it can help

 

Only you can decide if you want to see your GP and even then you may be offered more counselling and some health checks rather than straight to meds.... Perhaps see how you feel in the coming days - you've done a good thing and had a positive experience so see how you roll on from here - did the counsellor set you any tasks or things to consider? Take a day or two and reflect on the session - what felt good about it and why.... you mentioned that you rediscovered a sense of purpose - I would perhaps consider how you might retain that - y'know keeping it at the forefront of your priorities - maintaining that feeling and activities that help promote it....

 

And moreover - be kind to yourself.

 

PS was the counsellor hot?

[Col city fan]

18 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

So after months of procrastination, I've finally decided that I need to go back and see my therapist.

 

It's probably been four years since my last session, but the time is right to seek help again. I'm not in a great place right now...

 

Even though I 'get it' intellectually and fully understand the psychology behind depression, I'm finding myself having darker and darker thoughts about my mortality. And I know they're only thoughts and I know I don't have to believe them, but something has shifted significantly for me this year.

 

I know this sounds really fvcked up, but I'd be more than happy if one day soon I went to sleep and didn't wake up. I'm not suicidal or thinking of taking my own life - but I'm totally at peace with the thought of death and I know that sounds really odd.

 

It's almost like I've done everything that I've wanted to do in life now. I've seen the world, got married and had two beautiful kids and I'm eternally grateful for that - but I just don't want to get old and suffer continued ill health anymore.

 

I'm only in my mid forties but my health has been deteriorating for the last five or so years following major surgery. Even with the miracles of modern science I'm only going to get worse and I can't face the thought of being immobile, incontinent and relying on others to help me function. The thought makes me sick and I sort of want to quit while I'm still relatively active.

 

The fact is that I'm wasting away and feel like a rack of bones. My weight has dropped to 8 stone and I've just got no energy for it anymore. I try to play golf but recently I've had to quit after 9 holes as I'm just exhausted or I've injured something. My joints are fvcked and I can barely swing a club sometimes.

 

My medication makes me drowsy and my 'zombie like' state makes working pretty tough. I'm lucky that I work from home but my daily 'cat naps' are becoming more frequent and I could easily just spend the day in bed if I could. I'm up all night with my condition and never get more than a few hours sleep at a time. I wish I could get 8 hours solid sleep like 'normal' people.

 

I try to play with the kids but they knacker me out. We're going back to Disney Orlando in August for the final time (I've massively overspent and can't really afford it) but I know I won't have the energy to walk around theme parks for two weeks solid.

 

I know this sounds like a 'woe is me' post and I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, but I've had enough of it all really.

 

I'm convinced the after life will be a better place for me and I long to exist pain free again. I miss my health and the simple things I used to be able to do like go on the piss, eat crappy food and travel around watching City play. I've had a great life and many happy memories so I'm not complaining, but the future isn't compelling enough for me and I don't look forward to things any longer.

 

Maybe it's a mid life crisis? I dunno. But I'm going back for counselling to give it another shot. Maybe I need to go back on anti-depressants again, but I can't be arsed with taking even more pills - I'm like a walking pharmacy as it is...

 

I just want my old life back I suppose, and I realise I've never really come to terms with my current set of circumstances. I've changed so much from the 'old me' and I don't like what I see in the mirror these days.

 

So there you go. I'm not sure I feel any better for posting this but I felt the need to, so I did.

 

Anyway, take care my fellow Foxes and cherish your health. Without it you're fvcked, so look after yourselves  

 

 

I'm worried about ya man. If you ever come up here give me a shout and we'll have a chat.

We can compare ailments and put the world to rights.

Don't forget.....

[Izzy]

4 hours ago, Buce said:

Hey, @Izzy Muzzett

Thinking of you, mate.

Thanks Buce. I know you take the piss out of me and give me plenty of grief on other threads, but I know you're one of the good guys really 

 

4 hours ago, TK95 said:

You're not a fraud mate. It takes guts to help others when you have so much going on in your own life.

That is testament to you as a person.

Like you said, keep thinking of the positive things in your life like your family.

You're not alone in the battle and there is always light at the end of the tunnel

Thanks man. You're right, I've got to keep positive for my family but it's fvckin tough at the moment. I know things will turn around but I'm in a rut right now and need to get out...

 

4 hours ago, TK95 said:

I finally saw the university counselor today.

She was surprised I left it so long.

It was difficult, I didn't expect her to ask certain questions and I did break down in tears at one point.

But I feel if she wasn't so direct, I would not have opened up.

 

I feel glad though that I've got things off my chest, I do have a sense of purpose now.

I regret not seeking help earlier, maybe things would have different. It could be challenging times ahead but the important thing is to not beat myself up about what might have been and believe in myself for a brighter future.

I'm not sure how I'd react if I take another setback in life though, but I have to hope for the best.

 

I have a second appointment towards the end of the month.

She didn't mention anything about possible medication or referrals, it was more trying to make me think positively and remove these negative thoughts.

So I'm not sure if I should hold off going to the GP yet?

If I could avoid medication, I would. But from what some have said, it can help

Good on ya for taking this brave step mate. I too broke down in my first session and I'm fully expecting to again this time around. I can't be totally honest with family and friends but I can be with a complete stranger which is a shame really. 

 

On the meds side I'd see how the counselling goes first. That in itself may be enough for you but if not, meds might help if that's what your GP advises. I know the time is right for me to go back on them now, but it was a killer coming off them first time around and I hated the side effects - but needs must in my current predicament.

 

2 hours ago, Col city fan said:

I'm worried about ya man. If you ever come up here give me a shout and we'll have a chat.

We can compare ailments and put the world to rights.

Don't forget.....

Mate if I ever muster up enough energy to come back home, you'll be the first person I contact to meet up with. I feel pretty stupid moaning about my situation when I know what you're going through. I'm not too worried about me though as I know that starting my counselling and meds again will sort me out. Or maybe I'll get hit my a bus and that will put me out of my misery...

[Countryfox]

23 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

So after months of procrastination, I've finally decided that I need to go back and see my therapist.

 

It's probably been four years since my last session, but the time is right to seek help again. I'm not in a great place right now...

 

Even though I 'get it' intellectually and fully understand the psychology behind depression, I'm finding myself having darker and darker thoughts about my mortality. And I know they're only thoughts and I know I don't have to believe them, but something has shifted significantly for me this year.

 

I know this sounds really fvcked up, but I'd be more than happy if one day soon I went to sleep and didn't wake up. I'm not suicidal or thinking of taking my own life - but I'm totally at peace with the thought of death and I know that sounds really odd.

 

It's almost like I've done everything that I've wanted to do in life now. I've seen the world, got married and had two beautiful kids and I'm eternally grateful for that - but I just don't want to get old and suffer continued ill health anymore.

 

I'm only in my mid forties but my health has been deteriorating for the last five or so years following major surgery. Even with the miracles of modern science I'm only going to get worse and I can't face the thought of being immobile, incontinent and relying on others to help me function. The thought makes me sick and I sort of want to quit while I'm still relatively active.

 

The fact is that I'm wasting away and feel like a rack of bones. My weight has dropped to 8 stone and I've just got no energy for it anymore. I try to play golf but recently I've had to quit after 9 holes as I'm just exhausted or I've injured something. My joints are fvcked and I can barely swing a club sometimes.

 

My medication makes me drowsy and my 'zombie like' state makes working pretty tough. I'm lucky that I work from home but my daily 'cat naps' are becoming more frequent and I could easily just spend the day in bed if I could. I'm up all night with my condition and never get more than a few hours sleep at a time. I wish I could get 8 hours solid sleep like 'normal' people.

 

I try to play with the kids but they knacker me out. We're going back to Disney Orlando in August for the final time (I've massively overspent and can't really afford it) but I know I won't have the energy to walk around theme parks for two weeks solid.

 

I know this sounds like a 'woe is me' post and I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, but I've had enough of it all really.

 

I'm convinced the after life will be a better place for me and I long to exist pain free again. I miss my health and the simple things I used to be able to do like go on the piss, eat crappy food and travel around watching City play. I've had a great life and many happy memories so I'm not complaining, but the future isn't compelling enough for me and I don't look forward to things any longer.

 

Maybe it's a mid life crisis? I dunno. But I'm going back for counselling to give it another shot. Maybe I need to go back on anti-depressants again, but I can't be arsed with taking even more pills - I'm like a walking pharmacy as it is...

 

I just want my old life back I suppose, and I realise I've never really come to terms with my current set of circumstances. I've changed so much from the 'old me' and I don't like what I see in the mirror these days.

 

So there you go. I'm not sure I feel any better for posting this but I felt the need to, so I did.

 

Anyway, take care my fellow Foxes and cherish your health. Without it you're fvcked, so look after yourselves  

 

 

 

Sat here for 10 minutes and still don't know what to say .....      but I'm sure you get the message mate.    Seek help and don't give in. 

[stripeyfox]

@Izzy Muzzett

Only just checked this thread out tonight. To be honest I don't always want to click the thread because I'm not sure "where I am" and whether it is going to make me feel better or worse, but usually it is the former.

So sorry to hear you're having a tough time - if you could give your brilliant advice to yourself I'm sure it would be bang on. You have no idea how much you've helped me and others. You've made more sense of "mental health issues" in these pages to me then any professional or "expert" has. You've a gift. I hope you keep that in mind because I think you're a good guy and the power to help other people must be a good motivator. But I also get that you need help yourself, so I offer this genuinely - that if there is anything that I, or we, as a "collective" can do then please let me/us know

 

Take care mate, all the best, really x

 

[HybridFox]

6 hours ago, Swan Lesta said:

 

PS was the counsellor hot?

Sadly not 

[HybridFox]

2 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

Thanks man. You're right, I've got to keep positive for my family but it's fvckin tough at the moment. I know things will turn around but I'm in a rut right now and need to get out...

 

Good on ya for taking this brave step mate. I too broke down in my first session and I'm fully expecting to again this time around. I can't be totally honest with family and friends but I can be with a complete stranger which is a shame really. 

 

 

Cheers for the advice. I know how you feel man. There's always something holding back. I wish I could be totally open too but I think having grown up never fully expressing my thoughts and feelings to them, it's hard to suddenly change that habit.

 

But it's better letting it out, so be it a stranger, at least it gets off your chest. Hope the counselling turns another corner for you anyway.

And like many have said on here, we're all here to listen if anything troubles 

[Izzy]

21 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

Sat here for 10 minutes and still don't know what to say .....      but I'm sure you get the message mate.    Seek help and don't give in. 

You're a top man Pete, thanks mate. I really enjoy reading your posts on FT but I must admit I'm little a jealous of your active lifestyle! You seem like a man who loves the outdoors and really enjoys his food and beer. You seem to live life to the full and you're a great role model for people to enjoy life and make the most out of every minute. Good for you buddy  

 

10 minutes ago, stripeyfox said:

@Izzy Muzzett

Only just checked this thread out tonight. To be honest I don't always want to click the thread because I'm not sure "where I am" and whether it is going to make me feel better or worse, but usually it is the former.

So sorry to hear you're having a tough time - if you could give your brilliant advice to yourself I'm sure it would be bang on. You have no idea how much you've helped me and others. You've made more sense of "mental health issues" in these pages to me then any professional or "expert" has. You've a gift. I hope you keep that in mind because I think you're a good guy and the power to help other people must be a good motivator. But I also get that you need help yourself, so I offer this genuinely - that if there is anything that I, or we, as a "collective" can do then please let me/us know

 

Take care mate, all the best, really x

 

It's really frustrating Stripey because I'm shit at taking my own advice. I get great satisfaction in life out of trying to help others get better, but I think I've forgotten to help myself in the process. I know that in order to serve others I need to keep my own glass full, but I've taken my eye of the ball in terms of managing my own state and well-being lately.

 

Thank you so much for the kind offer of support and just reading your post alone gives me a boost and a kick up the arse to sort myself out. I'm sure that going back for more therapy and getting back on the meds will soon help me get back to some sort of normality. Here's hoping so anyways...

[Izzy]

3 minutes ago, TK95 said:

 

Cheers for the advice. I know how you feel man. There's always something holding back. I wish I could be totally open too but I think having grown up never fully expressing my thoughts and feelings to them, it's hard to suddenly change that habit.

 

But it's better letting it out, so be it a stranger, at least it gets off your chest. Hope the counselling turns another corner for you anyway.

And like many have said on here, we're all here to listen if anything troubles 

This is the crux for me mate and I'm totally convinced this is why I got ill in the first place. My initial therapy made me realise that since being a kid, I was never able to truly be myself or totally honest with my parents - especially my Mum. I still don't know the real reason why (they were both quite young when they had me) but it was never the norm in our household to talk about our feelings and emotions. Maybe it's all genetics and the same for them with their parents?

 

By suppressing all my emotions when I was going through a period of immense stress, I think it literally 'ate me up inside' and caused my condition. Even now after all I've been through, my relationship with my parents is 'strained' at best and there's always an uncomfortable stand off when we're together.

 

So I've made it my mission to try and make sure that both my kids are happy and comfortable to open up and share how they feel. The interesting thing is that my 7 year old lad (who's more like my wife) is totally cool with this. But my daughter (who's more like me) really struggles. Even though she's only 10 years old, I can see her having similar issues to me down the line. And as for my relationship with my wife, well that's a whole different story...

 

Therefore it's back to a counselor I go again - because I feel safe, trusted and not judged there. And my friends are pretty useless really because every time I try to open up to them or explain my situation, the conversation always ends up being about them and their issues.

 

So thank fvck for FT and this thread. The only place in life that I can truly be me!!!

[Foxxed]

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I still don't know the real reason why (they were both quite young when they had me) but it was never the norm in our household to talk about our feelings and emotions.

 

I think, particularly in this country and in northern Europe, we're generally more reserved when expressing or talking about emotions. In the book Watching the English at one point the author argues that the only emotions men, in particular, are allowed to express is done via swearing, from elation to sadness.

 

There's obviously a balance. If you're too emotional you'll never be able to do anything. But if you never acknowledge how you are feeling or have felt - and manage that - your problems will probably express themselves in various other ways, and rarely in positive ways.

 

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

So I've made it my mission to try and make sure that both my kids are happy and comfortable to open up and share how they feel.

This sounds ****ing fantastic if you're turning a problem you're facing into something positive. Good luck learning about behavioural psychology or whatever it's called to help your kids.

[Crinklyfox]

18 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

@Foxxed

@ozleicester

@spacemunky

@Crinklyfox

@Swan Lesta

 

Thank you all for your kind words of support.

 

I feel like such a hypocrite and fraud on this thread. Here's me offering support and advice to others and I'm just as fvcked up as everyone else (if not more so)

 

So it's time for me to stop preaching and pretending I know it all, and actually take action to sort myself out. I'm the epitome of the saying "Those who can - do, and those you can't do - teach" (and those who can't teach - work in HR ) 

 

As Swan says, I know I'm lacking in serotonin so I've booked an appointment with my GP to discuss going back onto Fluoxetine (Prozac) again. I thought I could beat this with a positive mindset alone, but the truth is I need some medical and professional assistance whether I like it or not.

 

I still stand by my post and thoughts from last night, but I have to think of my kids and their future which is more important than mine.

 

Thanks again guys - love and respect to all of ya...

 

Izzy, no way you're either a hypocrite or a fraud.  That sentence is a manifestation of you beating yourself up through feelings of low self-worth.

 

Your experiences with depression and other conditions give you valuable insight which makes you more qualified to give advice to others, not less.  I'd rather listen to your informed comments than hear from someone whose experiences come from books and a training course.

 

The fact that you're going through a rough time at present only means one thing, that you're human.  We all have good and bad patches.  You only have to read the comments from other posters to realise that your view of your own worth is lower than everyone else thinks.  The praise you've received for your help to many on this forum is genuine.  That little voice in your head that tells you that you're not what you think should be should be drowned out by the voices of your friends in this thread.

 

I can see from your posts subsequent to the one I've quoted that you're already turning it around in double quick time.  Well done and stay strong.

[The Blur]

On 09/05/2017 at 22:59, Izzy Muzzett said:

So after months of procrastination, I've finally decided that I need to go back and see my therapist.

 

It's probably been four years since my last session, but the time is right to seek help again. I'm not in a great place right now...

 

Even though I 'get it' intellectually and fully understand the psychology behind depression, I'm finding myself having darker and darker thoughts about my mortality. And I know they're only thoughts and I know I don't have to believe them, but something has shifted significantly for me this year.

 

I know this sounds really fvcked up, but I'd be more than happy if one day soon I went to sleep and didn't wake up. I'm not suicidal or thinking of taking my own life - but I'm totally at peace with the thought of death and I know that sounds really odd.

 

It's almost like I've done everything that I've wanted to do in life now. I've seen the world, got married and had two beautiful kids and I'm eternally grateful for that - but I just don't want to get old and suffer continued ill health anymore.

 

I'm only in my mid forties but my health has been deteriorating for the last five or so years following major surgery. Even with the miracles of modern science I'm only going to get worse and I can't face the thought of being immobile, incontinent and relying on others to help me function. The thought makes me sick and I sort of want to quit while I'm still relatively active.

 

The fact is that I'm wasting away and feel like a rack of bones. My weight has dropped to 8 stone and I've just got no energy for it anymore. I try to play golf but recently I've had to quit after 9 holes as I'm just exhausted or I've injured something. My joints are fvcked and I can barely swing a club sometimes.

 

My medication makes me drowsy and my 'zombie like' state makes working pretty tough. I'm lucky that I work from home but my daily 'cat naps' are becoming more frequent and I could easily just spend the day in bed if I could. I'm up all night with my condition and never get more than a few hours sleep at a time. I wish I could get 8 hours solid sleep like 'normal' people.

 

I try to play with the kids but they knacker me out. We're going back to Disney Orlando in August for the final time (I've massively overspent and can't really afford it) but I know I won't have the energy to walk around theme parks for two weeks solid.

 

I know this sounds like a 'woe is me' post and I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, but I've had enough of it all really.

 

I'm convinced the after life will be a better place for me and I long to exist pain free again. I miss my health and the simple things I used to be able to do like go on the piss, eat crappy food and travel around watching City play. I've had a great life and many happy memories so I'm not complaining, but the future isn't compelling enough for me and I don't look forward to things any longer.

 

Maybe it's a mid life crisis? I dunno. But I'm going back for counselling to give it another shot. Maybe I need to go back on anti-depressants again, but I can't be arsed with taking even more pills - I'm like a walking pharmacy as it is...

 

I just want my old life back I suppose, and I realise I've never really come to terms with my current set of circumstances. I've changed so much from the 'old me' and I don't like what I see in the mirror these days.

 

So there you go. I'm not sure I feel any better for posting this but I felt the need to, so I did.

 

Anyway, take care my fellow Foxes and cherish your health. Without it you're fvcked, so look after yourselves  

 

 

 

It sounded to me like you have already recognised the source of your current situation and that is half of the battle mate.  Everyone experience crisis at some stage of their lives,  however the crisis theory (read up on it if you like)  have a ideology of that each crisis often present both danger and opportunity.   People who go through crisis either return to their previous sense of equilibrium or to find their new equilibrium.  I am not saying you are going through a crisis at the moment but the point I am trying to make (perhaps not very well at the moment!) is it seems that you are trying to find a sense of new equilibrium in your life and perhaps that should be viewed as an opportunity in itself.    

 

To me,  you have plenty of strengths in your life.  Perhaps you can evaluate these and utilise them in finding your new sense of equilibrium.  It can be anything-  new hobbies that are not taxing physically,   experimenting with your diet to find great junk food that you can eat, that would involves going to new restaurants in new places that do these foods so you get to do some little exploring as well.  It can be anything really!

 

Feel free to keep us updated,  you are a cracking fellow and we all are rooting for you and others in this thread!   Take care mate.