Depression

[Guest Harrydc]

Thank god Christmas is over 

[Crinklyfox]

12 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Christmas Day - 2nd half hospital match report and stats:

 

Operations 1:1 Successful operations

How much I’m in love with my surgeon Jill = 100%

Catheter 1:1 NG tube

Epidural 1:3 Cannula

Morphiene since operation = shit loads 

 

I’m just so relieved, happy and grateful for everything and everyone. By some miracle Jill managed to sort out the adhesions without the need to remove any of my small bowel or create a stoma.

 

Its agony now post op, but it’s nice agony because the worst is done. I’ll be in hospital until at least the new year as I recover but I’m fvckin ecstatic.

 

I have to remind myself that I’m still a relative ‘newbie’ on FT but you lot really are the nuts. They say football is nothing without the fans and our fans are really very special.

 

Sorry for all the self indulgence and it could still go TU, but I wanted to say thanks again. 

 

Enjoy the the remainder of Xmas day and have a great Boxing Day tomorrow 

 

Relief.  I'm uncrossing everything now.  Nice one Izzy.

[cambridgefox]

12 hours ago, HighPeakFox said:

This is my favourite thread on this forum. The humanity on show here makes the day worthwhile. 

If it helps just one person it’s a success.

Fantastic to hear, I’m so lucky that I don’t suffer, but know plenty who do.

[Alf Bentley]

It just occurred to me to look back at the first post in this thread.

It was by @Pinkman who seems not to have visited the site for 16 months.

I hope that's because he found something more interesting to do, and not because he's struggling. All the best to you, Pinkman, whoever and wherever you are. 

 

I don't post in here much as I'm fortunate in not seeming to have a particular vulnerability to depression.

I have my own vulnerabilities ranging from heart issues through emotional turbulence to a history of alcohol abuse.

Even then, as someone not particularly vulnerable, a series of personal traumas certainly pushed me into borderline depression at times in the last 3 years....though nothing on the scale some here clearly suffer.

 

All the best to everyone finding life a struggle, particularly Pinkman, and hope the solidarity/advice in this thread is of some help.

[HighPeakFox]

The match today hasn't helped, but I was already feeling pretty empty. I will steer clear of the match threads for the remainder of the day - I'm not sure I need my own sadness compounded by lots of angry, semi-articulate rage about football.

 

I'm probably safer here where I can type something fairly honest without fear.

[Buce]

 

Yes, this is the true Safehouse.

[Foxhateram]

So I've had hand foot and mouth over this festive period. It started while we were on holiday last week and is still going now.  I've not been able to visit relatives or go to any dos, been stuck here while everyone else enjoys themselves, was really looking forward to unwinding a little as well.

 

Literally cabin fever has set in and I'm sick of the site of this house and the pain this illness is causing. All this on top of life which is already just too much, my wife seems to just dislike me nowadays and I've just turned into a grumpy shadow of my former self. Little man still not sleeping and everyone still on edge, walking on egg shells waiting for the next argument to begin. 

 

I hate my little boy seeing us rowing. When I was a kid my parents always argued and I vouched to never be like that. Now look, I'm just the person I always didn't want to become. 

 

Feeling old, cynical and angry at life. No motivation or passion. Just flatness. I keep thinking things will pick up, but when they do it'll be a nice day or two then something comes along and kicks me back down. 

 

Holiday yay -  boom ill while on holiday = hell.   

 

Wife and I get a long for a day or two yay - boom back to reality when an argumebt sparks over nothing thanks to exhaustion. 

 

Work - class settle a little yay victory to me - boom kid kicks off and starts kicking the hell out of me. Boom back to anxiety about work. 

 

I spend my whole working life fixing lives for families and their children, helping children out emotinally and academically. Yet my own family life is broken and my own mental health is shot. Fragile is how I feel. I just can't shake it. 

 

Sorry this is rather raw for a supposedly happy time of year.

[Izzy]

10 minutes ago, Foxhateram said:

So I've had hand foot and mouth over this festive period. It started while we were on holiday last week and is still going now.  I've not been able to visit relatives or go to any dos, been stuck here while everyone else enjoys themselves, was really looking forward to unwinding a little as well.

 

Literally cabin fever has set in and I'm sick of the site of this house and the pain this illness is causing. All this on top of life which is already just too much, my wife seems to just dislike me nowadays and I've just turned into a grumpy shadow of my former self. Little man still not sleeping and everyone still on edge, walking on egg shells waiting for the next argument to begin. 

 

I hate my little boy seeing us rowing. When I was a kid my parents always argued and I vouched to never be like that. Now look, I'm just the person I always didn't want to become. 

 

Feeling old, cynical and angry at life. No motivation or passion. Just flatness. I keep thinking things will pick up, but when they do it'll be a nice day or two then something comes along and kicks me back down. 

 

Holiday yay -  boom ill while on holiday = hell.   

 

Wife and I get a long for a day or two yay - boom back to reality when an argumebt sparks over nothing thanks to exhaustion. 

 

Work - class settle a little yay victory to me - boom kid kicks off and starts kicking the hell out of me. Boom back to anxiety about work. 

 

I spend my whole working life fixing lives for families and their children, helping children out emotinally and academically. Yet my own family life is broken and my own mental health is shot. Fragile is how I feel. I just can't shake it. 

 

Sorry this is rather raw for a supposedly happy time of year.

I cried reading that 

 

I’m so out of juice I don’t know what to say 

 

I love you man. Your family love you. Strip it ALL back to the initial love and joy and try to live from that place. The place we’re MEANT to live.

 

Get well friend. I’m so sad for you and I just wish we could all be happy, healthy and content x

[HighPeakFox]

I hear you @Foxhateram. Keep breathing. 

[Guest Harrydc]

Reading this is so sad but it is probably one of the most important threads in this forum. 

 

A lot of people have helped me and given me much needed advice and I'm aiming to one day be able to do the same thing, to everyone struggling I hope you find a way to keep moving forward. 

[Nalis]

As others have said, this thread puts things into perspective.

 

I thought I was quite well educated when it comes to this but from reading the thread it looks like I know very little.

 

One of my mates in our main group of friends sent us a group message in the early hours saying he had suicidal thoughts (though not carry them out) and depression. He send them when hammered and was a bit embarrassed about it afterwards but we were all supportive, told him there was nothing to be embarrassed about it and offered our help saying he could call us anytime in a non judgemental and confindential manner (he's seeing someone about it already though I'm not sure if he would have told us mates of this sober). He appreciated this and I reached out to him seperately to see if he was doing alright and he said felt better for sharing.

 

After we've offered our support, its kind of a scenario of 'what do we do now to help?'. To put it into context, on paper he has a great life (not that it means anything when coming to depression) and is usually one of the most outgoing out of our group. He does have a sense of pride about him so we've said he can talk to any of us anytime about it which he appreciates but I suppose the question is is it enough or should we be doing more without trying to make him feel that our relationship is us asking him if its OK to the point of annoying him?

 

[Buce]

14 hours ago, Foxhateram said:

So I've had hand foot and mouth over this festive period. It started while we were on holiday last week and is still going now.  I've not been able to visit relatives or go to any dos, been stuck here while everyone else enjoys themselves, was really looking forward to unwinding a little as well.

 

Literally cabin fever has set in and I'm sick of the site of this house and the pain this illness is causing. All this on top of life which is already just too much, my wife seems to just dislike me nowadays and I've just turned into a grumpy shadow of my former self. Little man still not sleeping and everyone still on edge, walking on egg shells waiting for the next argument to begin. 

 

I hate my little boy seeing us rowing. When I was a kid my parents always argued and I vouched to never be like that. Now look, I'm just the person I always didn't want to become. 

 

Feeling old, cynical and angry at life. No motivation or passion. Just flatness. I keep thinking things will pick up, but when they do it'll be a nice day or two then something comes along and kicks me back down. 

 

Holiday yay -  boom ill while on holiday = hell.   

 

Wife and I get a long for a day or two yay - boom back to reality when an argumebt sparks over nothing thanks to exhaustion. 

 

Work - class settle a little yay victory to me - boom kid kicks off and starts kicking the hell out of me. Boom back to anxiety about work. 

 

I spend my whole working life fixing lives for families and their children, helping children out emotinally and academically. Yet my own family life is broken and my own mental health is shot. Fragile is how I feel. I just can't shake it. 

 

Sorry this is rather raw for a supposedly happy time of year.

 

This was a truly heart-breaking read, @Foxhateram

 

I'm no expert (though the Black Dog is no stranger to me) but it seems to me that you need professional help to deal with your mental health before you can deal with the other issues. Experience tells me that your immediate response to this will be that 'it's the issues causing the depression', and, taken at face value, it would be difficult to gainsay that. However, experience also tells me that when depressed, issues such as you have seem overwhelming and worse than they really are. Please don't take that as me being dismissive of them or trying to diminish them in any way, because they are obviously real issues. But, trust me, it's the nature of the beast to make you feel like everything is hopeless and beyond fixing. Take a leap of faith and get some help. Your problems will still be there, but you just might view them in a different light.

 

Whatever happens, you have the support of the FT Family to draw strength from. You are not alone.

 

Edited 27 December 2017 by Buce

[Mike Oxlong]

16 hours ago, Foxhateram said:

So I've had hand foot and mouth over this festive period. It started while we were on holiday last week and is still going now.  I've not been able to visit relatives or go to any dos, been stuck here while everyone else enjoys themselves, was really looking forward to unwinding a little as well.

 

Literally cabin fever has set in and I'm sick of the site of this house and the pain this illness is causing. All this on top of life which is already just too much, my wife seems to just dislike me nowadays and I've just turned into a grumpy shadow of my former self. Little man still not sleeping and everyone still on edge, walking on egg shells waiting for the next argument to begin. 

 

I hate my little boy seeing us rowing. When I was a kid my parents always argued and I vouched to never be like that. Now look, I'm just the person I always didn't want to become. 

 

Feeling old, cynical and angry at life. No motivation or passion. Just flatness. I keep thinking things will pick up, but when they do it'll be a nice day or two then something comes along and kicks me back down. 

 

Holiday yay -  boom ill while on holiday = hell.   

 

Wife and I get a long for a day or two yay - boom back to reality when an argumebt sparks over nothing thanks to exhaustion. 

 

Work - class settle a little yay victory to me - boom kid kicks off and starts kicking the hell out of me. Boom back to anxiety about work. 

 

I spend my whole working life fixing lives for families and their children, helping children out emotinally and academically. Yet my own family life is broken and my own mental health is shot. Fragile is how I feel. I just can't shake it. 

 

Sorry this is rather raw for a supposedly happy time of year.

 

Solutions to the difficulties that you have are a very personal thing so I can’t profess to have the answers to your troubles. The best I can do is offer a few words of advice based on what I have found to be helpful in the past. 

 

When there are issues across different spheres of life the oppressive feeling of flatness and despair can seem all enveloping as there appears to be no respite, nothing to look forward to and nothing to put a smile on your face.

 

Firstly, having a good friend to talk to is important - someone that will listen, understand and be there for you is invaluable. Talking about your problems is key. It helps you to process what is happening and is a means by which others who know you may offer some useful suggestions and help you to see things objectively rather than emotionally.

 

Secondly, you cant deal with all the issues in your life head on at the same time. The most important compartment of life to sort out is  your relationship and life at home. That is the core of your life at present and if you feel loved and your little boy is happy you will better be able to deal with the other problem areas. Having children is life’s biggest gift but it is also stressful, tiring and requires significant adjustments by you and your partner.

 

I would really recommend Relate or similar. I was really sceptical about going  but agreed to as I felt that I owed it to those I love  (and in hindsight I owed it to myself too) to explore every possibility to keep things together. It turned things round for my relationship, helped us to listen to each other and helped us to recognise what we loved and appreciated about the other again. Several years on it’s one of the best things that I have done even though at the time I thought that adults shouldn’t need to go and see a stranger to sort out their problems. 

 

From a stronger base at home, I was able to feel better about myself and then deal with other issues such as work and wider family relationships. 

 

The lessons that I have learnt are use your support network to help you. Good friends and family will be glad to be there for you. Also don’t be too proud to get professional help. It just might help you to come out of this present period of difficulty and to once again enjoy some of the good things that life has to offer. It sounds as if there is a great potentiall for lots of good times ahead and the years with a young family will hopefully be among the best that you have. 

 

Good luck. I hope that you find your solution. 

Edited 27 December 2017 by Mike Oxlong

[HighPeakFox]

8 hours ago, Nalis said:

As others have said, this thread puts things into perspective.

 

I thought I was quite well educated when it comes to this but from reading the thread it looks like I know very little.

 

One of my mates in our main group of friends sent us a group message in the early hours saying he had suicidal thoughts (though not carry them out) and depression. He send them when hammered and was a bit embarrassed about it afterwards but we were all supportive, told him there was nothing to be embarrassed about it and offered our help saying he could call us anytime in a non judgemental and confindential manner (he's seeing someone about it already though I'm not sure if he would have told us mates of this sober). He appreciated this and I reached out to him seperately to see if he was doing alright and he said felt better for sharing.

 

After we've offered our support, its kind of a scenario of 'what do we do now to help?'. To put it into context, on paper he has a great life (not that it means anything when coming to depression) and is usually one of the most outgoing out of our group. He does have a sense of pride about him so we've said he can talk to any of us anytime about it which he appreciates but I suppose the question is is it enough or should we be doing more without trying to make him feel that our relationship is us asking him if its OK to the point of annoying him?

 

Be available, have ears, try to avoid problem solving. 

[Foxhateram]

Been to the drs today folks. Thanks for all your help, I was in a real dark place the other day. I had been on my own all day while my wife took the boy to see all of my family without me. It was just tough. 

 

Feeling much better today, but actually made the drs appointment after I had posted to here. It somehow made me feel braver just talking about it. I've been referred to talk to one of the emotional health visitors that come into my work, and have been told to return to the drs after this meeting. He thinks I may need some medication to help keep my hormones/moods stable. 

 

He told me to write a list of things that I wanted to achieve in the coming months, and to focus on these in priority order, he wrote them with me and ensured they were all personal wins rather than for others, this was hard for me,  as it's in my nature and my job to always think of others. 

 

Feeling like there is a way out this rut now. Thank god, I seriously feared for myself while writing the original post. 

 

Thanks everyone for your amazing words. You helped me to stay brave and strong and take the next step forward. 

 

Much love. Hopefully I can get back on the optimistic bus soon. 

Edited 27 December 2017 by Foxhateram

[Izzy]

5 minutes ago, Foxhateram said:

Been to the drs today folks. Thanks for all your help, I was in a real dark place the other day. I had been on my own all day while my wife took the boy to see all of my family without me. It was just tough. 

 

Feeling much better today, but actually made the drs appointment after I had posted to here. It somehow made me feel braver just talking about it. I've been referred to talk to one of the emotional health visitors that come into my work, and have been told to return to the drs after this meeting. He thinks I may need some medication to help keep my hormones/moods stable. 

 

He told me to write a list of things that I wanted to achieve in the coming months, and to focus on these in priority order, he wrote them with me and ensured they were all personal wins rather than for others, this was hard for me,  as it's in my nature and my job to always think of others. 

 

Feeling like there is a way out this rut now. Thank god, I seriously feared for myself while writing the original post. 

 

Thanks everyone for your amazing words. You helped me to stay brave and strong and take the next step forward. 

 

Much love. Hopefully I can get back on the optimistic bus soon. 

Fvckin yeah baby!!! 

 

You absolute superstar mate. You should be very proud of yourself taking this brave step. 

 

Its great you’ve been tasked with prioritising YOUR personal wins over the next few months - love that. You might feel out of your comfort zone doing this, but that’s the only place where growth and change happens for people.

 

Made my day mate. It’s all onwards and upwards now. Keep us posted. You’ve started the recovery process my man!!!

 

[Lionator]

2 hours ago, Foxhateram said:

Been to the drs today folks. Thanks for all your help, I was in a real dark place the other day. I had been on my own all day while my wife took the boy to see all of my family without me. It was just tough. 

 

Feeling much better today, but actually made the drs appointment after I had posted to here. It somehow made me feel braver just talking about it. I've been referred to talk to one of the emotional health visitors that come into my work, and have been told to return to the drs after this meeting. He thinks I may need some medication to help keep my hormones/moods stable. 

 

He told me to write a list of things that I wanted to achieve in the coming months, and to focus on these in priority order, he wrote them with me and ensured they were all personal wins rather than for others, this was hard for me,  as it's in my nature and my job to always think of others. 

 

Feeling like there is a way out this rut now. Thank god, I seriously feared for myself while writing the original post. 

 

Thanks everyone for your amazing words. You helped me to stay brave and strong and take the next step forward. 

 

Much love. Hopefully I can get back on the optimistic bus soon. 

Sounds like you have an absolute gem of a GP there! Even if you get referred to somebody else, if things ever get too much go and see that GP, it can really make a big difference.

 

Well done for facing your issues head on and taking control, that's the first and most important step. As @Buce said, your perception of problems in your life may be clouded by an underlying mental health issue making them seem worse than they actually are. While the issues won't disappear, getting treatment for depression or anxiety will give you the resources to deal with these problems positively and build a greater resilience so that you have the motivation for reaching all the goals which you've set for the coming months. Good luck mate and keep talking!

[Guest Harrydc]

Had a bad last few days, it feels like I no longer enjoy anything anymore, going out with mates seems like a chore, going work feels like a chore and staying at home is boring. I always thought I had anxiety but I'm not sure if the two are closely related. It doesn't help that it feels like there is something constantly shouting at me in my head and themore I try to make it go away and think about it the more it is there, it feels like there is something inside me that I can't get away.

 

just thought I'd get it off my chest, I've been doctors about the anxiety but I haven't told him about any of that stuff because I'm afraid it'll sound silly. Maybe a lot of this steps from a car accident I had 3 months back which traumatised me quite abit. 

[HighPeakFox]

9 minutes ago, Harrydc said:

Had a bad last few days, it feels like I no longer enjoy anything anymore, going out with mates seems like a chore, going work feels like a chore and staying at home is boring. I always thought I had anxiety but I'm not sure if the two are closely related. It doesn't help that it feels like there is something constantly shouting at me in my head and themore I try to make it go away and think about it the more it is there, it feels like there is something inside me that I can't get away.

 

just thought I'd get it off my chest, I've been doctors about the anxiety but I haven't told him about any of that stuff because I'm afraid it'll sound silly. Maybe a lot of this steps from a car accident I had 3 months back which traumatised me quite abit. 

I'd focus on the last bit, you may well have some sort of post-traumatic disorder - did you mention it to your doctor? I'm glad you're able to share it here. 

 

If it helps, I often find I'm panicking instead of thinking - realising that helps calm me.Try to find moments of mindfulness if you can. Take care.

[Guest Harrydc]

3 minutes ago, HighPeakFox said:

I'd focus on the last bit, you may well have some sort of post-traumatic disorder - did you mention it to your doctor? I'm glad you're able to share it here. 

 

If it helps, I often find I'm panicking instead of thinking - realising that helps calm me.Try to find moments of mindfulness if you can. Take care.

Thanks mate. I did mention it to my doctor and he said the anxiety pills he put me on (sertraline) are also used to treat PTSD. They don't seem to work though and when he upped the dose it sent my head crazy. :/ 

[Bert]

Very rarely visit this thread. 

 

Suffered very badly with this in 2012 and towards the end of 2014. I'm well and truly out of it now and the good side of it too. It's tough when you're in the bubble. You feel lost, lonely, helpless, worthless. Everyone always says talk. It's simply not that easy BUT there is help out there and the first step is to talk, as hard as it is. I had counselling and it really helped. A lot of it I think is mental - and if you want to get out of it then you will and what I found helped me - do not hold anything back, let it all out. But you have to help yourself. I'm now too mentally strong and will never ever let myself get to where I was because let me tell you all for free. It wasn't very pleasant at all. I feel for the people currently going through issues and for those that have never been there, I pray that you never get there. 

 

I mean this sincerely too, anyone that is suffering and wants to talk to someone that's been there, talk away - it's free to send a PM. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone that you don't really know on a personal level. 

[Kopfkino]

I'm always hesitant to post in this thread because I read other people's stories and they're deep in shit whereas I just feel I'm moping. Reading back my couple of previous posts, I was just whinging, certainly back in the summer but folk here were excellent all the same, I'm embarrassed by it now though. 

 

My first episode of depression came in 2014 after a shit year and I went to the doctors after a couple of big panic attacks early in December following the death of my Grandad, who whilst I may have often bickered with him, I looked up to massively. I also felt pretty lonely as I was on a gap year and all my friends had gone off to uni. I hated the medication but I felt it working (or I just improved with time) and decided to come off it in summer 2015 prior to going to uni, partly because I hated the stuff, partly because I was ashamed, partly because I felt I no longer needed it. 

 

The week before I left for uni, we found out my mum's cancer had come back and was manageable but incurable. When I arrived at uni I tried to make the most of it but I was always scared of what was going on back home. I still made the effort and built some early friendships but I never told anyone what was going on in my head for the first couple of months. I forced myself to be the fun guy. When early November came around (Mum's birthday/anniversary of Grandad's death) I started to retreat into my shell. I was going to uni and going straight back to halls when my timetable permitted to sit in bed and watch TV or play games. Most nights I'd go to pub on my own and talk to the same bloke in the smoking area about giving up. By some miracle I was managing to hold down a fledgling relationship with a girl but it only made me feel more shit because I felt guilty that I cheated on my ex in the summer (she went off the ropes and wouldn't leave me alone until January) so I shied away from any sober intimacy. She was the first person I told anything to about the preceding couple of years and she was great about it, too nice about it if anything. There was only one other person I mentioned anything to in that first term. To everyone else I had started out as a fun sociable guy who ended up not socialising with anyone. 

 

In January 2016, knowing I was in pretty much the same place as I had been 12 months prior, I went back to the doctors. I really didn't want to go on medication again but I gave it a go. At the same time, the only other person I had spoken to about myself went onto anti-depressants and the girl I was seeing decided to lock herself away in her flat for 10 days, refusing to do anything and the only people that saw her were her two flatmates. It was starting to feel that misery just followed me, either I made people miserable or I could only socialise with people as downbeat as myself. I also tried a few counselling sessions, just talking about my childhood from 12 onwards (mum's first diagnosis) and my tendency to beat myself up for not getting everything right straight away as these were things I felt really caused issues for my mental health. They were useful just for talking but I didn't feel it resolved much. By the end of term I'd built one more meaningful friendship but yet again he struggled with depression, was generally negative about everything, and we drank, smoked, and snorted too much. We're still good friends but it probably wasn't the best influence for me. Anyway, things started to pick up for me again and by early summer I stopped taking the medication for all the same reasons as before. I left uni feeling regretful at how few meaningful relationships I developed and how I'd isolated myself rather than getting involved. Still summer came, went on holiday for a couple of weeks with gf, went on holiday with friends from home and then worked in London for rest of it. There was period where I lived with the gf so I didn't have to find accommodation for 4 weeks in between leases. That was a mistake but by the end of summer everything was feeling alright, Mum's condition was being well managed but now Dad was getting pretty unwell having had problems with colitis for many years.

 

Anyway I started 2nd year feeling positive. My accommodation situation fell through right before term started so I moved back in with the gf whilst I sorted that. I ended up having to come home a couple of weeks into term because of an argument on a night out made it clear we needed to be apart. So I missed a week of uni and had to sort out a place to stay from home. Managed to do it but ended up paying too much for a rubbish place with Chinese students I didn't know and who didn't socialise. I soon lost track with uni work and always dreaded going home. Things were fine with the gf now but I'd gone back to drinking too much, always frequenting the same Soho bar just to talk nonsense to random folk. By the end of October I was back at the doctors knowing all was not well again. This time I changed medication because I was fed up of involuntary 90 minute sex sessions. This time I was on Sertraline and it was awful and then I went on Fluoxetine that gave me vivid dreams. It was all making me feel worse. Meanwhile, my gf had decided she didn't want to face the world again and decided to lie in my bed for 3 weeks. I was accused by her friends of basically imprisoning her, the fact she didn't want to see them was apparently me telling them they couldn't come round. I didn't have the best relationship with her friends, it was different worlds colliding and we just didn't get on. At the same time, back home, Dad was having his bowel taken out and having a stoma created. One day Mum rang me up crying cos she had never seen Dad so distressed and upset. By this point, I'd given up with uni for the term, hoping to sort it out after Christmas. Not an evening went by when I didn't cry either because things weren't going well back home, the fact I'd resigned myself to ****ing up the year of uni, or just because I felt useless, without a purpose. 

 

We went away for Christmas as a family which was nice and I felt somewhat refreshed. However as soon as I got back to uni and my shit flat, I wanted to go home. Uni started and I retreated to type, lying in bed not wanting to do anything or doing anything apart from what I should have been. By this point I was on Mirtazapine but it didn't last long because it made me feel too tired and drowsy. I was given Fluoxetine again but didn't bother taking them. I embarked on some sessions of CBT to try to stop myself blaming myself for everything, beating myself up and generally having a negative outlook on life but they didn't work. (I spoke about this before). I'm so harsh on myself and really punish myself for mistakes.  I'd decided uni just wasn't for me but never actioned withdrawing so blindly carried on thinking I could somehow cram learning all the years content of four modules into 4 weeks revision time, despite the fact I'd become incapable of processing or retaining information.

 

My relationship was seriously hitting the rocks, too many big arguments patched up rather than genuinely dealt with, both of us feeling we had to be something other than ourselves, and our interests were diverging. It wasn't at all healthy and at the end of March, a day before we were going away together for a few days, it all ended. I'd thought we'd spend the Saturday together before we left on the Sunday, doing any last minute shopping and packing together, early night as it was an early flight. On the Friday she'd elected to go to Fabric and on Saturday was feeling the effects of a come down. It got 1pm and I hadn't heard from her, so I was wondering what was going on as I needed to go shopping so wondered if I should go alone. She said she'd get ready and come over but by 3pm that hadn't happened, and then she lets me know she was with friends at Kensington Gardens smoking weed to combat the comedown. I just felt it was disrespectful for her to a)ditch the plans but most importantly not let me know what was going on, all because she made a bad choice on the Friday night. Whilst I was peeved, if she'd just let me know what was actually happening I'd have been okay. The reality was, drugs were playing an increasing role in her life, and whilst I don't have a problem with that, it was excessive which I didn't like and it got in the way of her doing a lot of stuff, not just with me. Ironic that I had a problem with it given my use of alcohol. Anyway, I lost my temper and her phone was off which built the anger, and it was then I lost it and let everything out that had been wrong for the last 3 months, and I was admittedly unpleasant. I then went to the pub for a couple of hours until she messaged me having read what I had already said. These situations and alcohol never mix well and I made it clear that I most certainly was not right for her and I couldn't carry on. I went for a sleep and woke up with her having rang me countless times and tried to talk me out of it. I woke up thinking what the **** have I done and sought to undo my being a ****. Her flatmate said she'd left to come patch things up with me, by the time I'd found her, her friends had convinced her that it was best we did indeed do what I said and split up. I struggled with this big time because I thought I didn't mean it. Hindsight tells me there's a reason I did it in the first place (although not in a very good way) and it has been all the better for me. We made things a lot worse for each other at times. However, at the time I was distraught, regretful and angry. 

 

Uni was going shit, I'd split up with gf, I had only two meaningful friendships of uni, one of which was a bad influence, the other we'd drifted and I'd never really sorted out the problems in my mind that had dogged me from my pre/early teen years. So come early-April, feeling like a failure, a let-down and with no hope, I decided the time had come to put everyone out of their misery. I've always had issues with health anxiety so suicide had never figured prominently in my thinking but now that was the only solution for me. I wrote a note, left it on my desk and went to where I'd wanted to do it (in that selfish way involving trains). The friend that I thought had been a bad influence sensed something was wrong and managed to find me at Euston before I could board the train to where I was to do it(I'd talked before about how I'd do it so I guess he followed that). He convinced me to get the train home instead (cried all the way) and rang my parents to let them know I was coming. Tbh I don't think I'd have gone through with it when it came to it anyway. I tried to go to the doctors the next morning but they refused to see me because I'm no longer registered at home. For some reason, this alongside a day of walking with the dog afterwards, helped it click in my mind that I needed to focus on sorting myself out rather than thinking death was the way out. I think feeling neglect from the doctors outraged me to the extent it made me think of looking after myself rather than expecting it to magically happen. 

 

It took to the beginning of May for me to accept defeat on uni. I didn't want to do it anymore and wanted to do anything else. Knowing I had no chance of doing anything but failing because I was simply not medically fit to sit exams, I deferred my exams a year. Part of me wanted to accept the failure rather than hiding behind mental health. Quite frankly, I was at fault as much as I could blame my mental health. I convinced myself, even though I deferred them, I was to withdraw from uni anyway and go down my own path. But I knew before I could do that, I had to sort my mental health out. The state I'd got into by the time I deferred exams was not sustainable even if I left uni being as I blamed uni for everything. I decided I must put myself first, not worry about anything else and focus on helping myself for the summer. I refused any medication, instead just taking time out and sorting it all out in my own head with the help of some online talking therapy, some books, and turning to a bit of philosophy. Reading, thinking, and writing about philosophy gave me purpose and also forced me into thinking about life in a different way and what I wanted in life. Tbh just taking the time to focus on myself and genuinely just think was as useful to me as any professional help. It gave me a new outlook, perspective, and some vigour. By the end of summer, having turned down some jobs, I decided I didn't want to give up on uni because a)I don't feel like a quitter, b)I was better placed for it now and c) it was daft to give up such an opportunity that few people get and one that opens up so many doors and opportunities. 

 

So first term this year started off well again. I moved flats to a nice place in St John's Wood with some good flatmates. I got on with uni and managed to recover some acquaintanceships I'd let go of so easily. Everything was going well, I was happy and people were saying they'd never seen me like this. My alcohol use dropped and substance use ended. I was feeling positive.. Start of November I was in hospital for a bit with suspected appendicitis (wasn't in the end) and I lost track. Uni also ****ed up with an admin error that left me in the lurch because what I'd been told 6 weeks prior was no longer the case. It added stress. Slowly I retreated to my bed to watch TV and uni progress slowed. I wasn't too concerned because I've alway struggled in the winter months anyway, even as a kid. 

 

I get back home for the Christmas period and Mum's in lots of pain, really struggling and the household is an unhealthy and unhappy place to be. Then just before Christmas we find out that her cancer has progressed but I think can still be managed. Dad's also having problems with his stoma. The last couple of days since Christmas I've been down, I've been crying at night. My friends from home are great but its reminded me of my lack of meaningful friendships back at uni and how isolated I feel sometimes. I'm scared to go back and leave mum and I'm scared I have nothing there. After the social disaster of first year because I was a depressed mess that didn't want social contact, I had the three meaningful relationships I talked about. Split up with the gf, drifted from one, and the other, whilst he saved me and I'm forever grateful, we were bad influences on each other. He has gone completely tee-total now but he's as depressed and down as ever, he just plays computer games and it's difficult to get him to do everything. I have nobody to turn to to talk about anything anymore really and I'm feeling really down about my lack of meaningful relationships there. Given what's happened in the past, I'm scared I'll slip back there and this time instead of having 3 people, I'll have nothing. It's all a reminder of first year in my mind. Tbh, if anything, my focus in the summer on me, made me come across as more selfish to the people I interacted with and isolated me more. Was not the intention.

 

And I blame myself, it didn't have to be this way. I could have just been open at the start. I could have, instead of expecting everything to be fixed magically, done more to help myself over the preceding years. And now I've forgotten how to have meaningful social interactions, I've managed to float around on the edge of things for the last three months but never really been a part of anything. Quite a few one night stands and I hate them but I do it because it's easier than having to continue anything with them. No real friendships built, no real impact made on anyone, too scared to form bonds with people. And now it feels I'm going back to something I hate (even though I enjoyed uni for the first time the last couple of months) with nothing meaningful there. Just me, my bed, my houseplants and nobody who I can genuinely talk to or turn to, no interactions beyond banter and going to the pub. I know next Tuesday, I'm just going to end up back in London, in bed crying about my intransigence to people. I've forgotten how to be a person. 

 

I've managed to write a long whinge this time. It's always just a whinge and little real problems. I've wasted revision time today so I'm going to still post because I'll feel less bad about wasting it then. But I'm sorry to people who have real depression issues, I've been there and you can get through it. I'm just wollowing at the fact I forgot how to be human, which is my fault in the first place.

[Wymsey]

A missing young woman had been treated for anxiety and depression, but there are 'some indications that her disappearance had been in some way pre-planned'.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-norfolk-42512034

Edited 29 December 2017 by Wymeswold fox

[Foxhateram]

My wife's level of support so far since talking about it: 

 

How can you be trusted to look after our son when you can barely look afyer yourself. 

 

Just because you've got depression, doesn't mean you nees to push it on us. 

 

You're just difficult to live with... 

 

 

 

Yep this is really helping.... tough few days. Hopefully things will settle in tome and she will understand more soon. 

[Guest Harrydc]

9 minutes ago, Foxhateram said:

My wife's level of support so far since talking about it: 

 

How can you be trusted to look after our son when you can barely look afyer yourself. 

 

Just because you've got depression, doesn't mean you nees to push it on us. 

 

You're just difficult to live with... 

 

 

 

Yep this is really helping.... tough few days. Hopefully things will settle in tome and she will understand more soon. 

I'm sorry to hear that mate, not the kind of reaction you would have wanted and I know how hard it is to speak about! Just know you can speak to us on here anytime