Depression

[Great Boos Up]

From a different angle. My wife got signed off work a month ago. She gave up driving a year ago and the littlest things get her stressed.

I always knew things were difficult for her. I'm not the best husband but I am a loving one.

She is on medication now but after reading this thread I stopped trying to be Mr I'll fix it and just let it be.

I'm not sure what support to give as I'm busy with work. I may be in a financial position next year for her to stop working, but strangely I'm talking to you guys first. Perhaps someone could point me in the right direction.

[Strokes]

4 hours ago, Kopfkino said:

I'm always hesitant to post in this thread because I read other people's stories and they're deep in shit whereas I just feel I'm moping. Reading back my couple of previous posts, I was just whinging, certainly back in the summer but folk here were excellent all the same, I'm embarrassed by it now though. 

 

My first episode of depression came in 2014 after a shit year and I went to the doctors after a couple of big panic attacks early in December following the death of my Grandad, who whilst I may have often bickered with him, I looked up to massively. I also felt pretty lonely as I was on a gap year and all my friends had gone off to uni. I hated the medication but I felt it working (or I just improved with time) and decided to come off it in summer 2015 prior to going to uni, partly because I hated the stuff, partly because I was ashamed, partly because I felt I no longer needed it. 

 

The week before I left for uni, we found out my mum's cancer had come back and was manageable but incurable. When I arrived at uni I tried to make the most of it but I was always scared of what was going on back home. I still made the effort and built some early friendships but I never told anyone what was going on in my head for the first couple of months. I forced myself to be the fun guy. When early November came around (Mum's birthday/anniversary of Grandad's death) I started to retreat into my shell. I was going to uni and going straight back to halls when my timetable permitted to sit in bed and watch TV or play games. Most nights I'd go to pub on my own and talk to the same bloke in the smoking area about giving up. By some miracle I was managing to hold down a fledgling relationship with a girl but it only made me feel more shit because I felt guilty that I cheated on my ex in the summer (she went off the ropes and wouldn't leave me alone until January) so I shied away from any sober intimacy. She was the first person I told anything to about the preceding couple of years and she was great about it, too nice about it if anything. There was only one other person I mentioned anything to in that first term. To everyone else I had started out as a fun sociable guy who ended up not socialising with anyone. 

 

In January 2016, knowing I was in pretty much the same place as I had been 12 months prior, I went back to the doctors. I really didn't want to go on medication again but I gave it a go. At the same time, the only other person I had spoken to about myself went onto anti-depressants and the girl I was seeing decided to lock herself away in her flat for 10 days, refusing to do anything and the only people that saw her were her two flatmates. It was starting to feel that misery just followed me, either I made people miserable or I could only socialise with people as downbeat as myself. I also tried a few counselling sessions, just talking about my childhood from 12 onwards (mum's first diagnosis) and my tendency to beat myself up for not getting everything right straight away as these were things I felt really caused issues for my mental health. They were useful just for talking but I didn't feel it resolved much. By the end of term I'd built one more meaningful friendship but yet again he struggled with depression, was generally negative about everything, and we drank, smoked, and snorted too much. We're still good friends but it probably wasn't the best influence for me. Anyway, things started to pick up for me again and by early summer I stopped taking the medication for all the same reasons as before. I left uni feeling regretful at how few meaningful relationships I developed and how I'd isolated myself rather than getting involved. Still summer came, went on holiday for a couple of weeks with gf, went on holiday with friends from home and then worked in London for rest of it. There was period where I lived with the gf so I didn't have to find accommodation for 4 weeks in between leases. That was a mistake but by the end of summer everything was feeling alright, Mum's condition was being well managed but now Dad was getting pretty unwell having had problems with colitis for many years.

 

Anyway I started 2nd year feeling positive. My accommodation situation fell through right before term started so I moved back in with the gf whilst I sorted that. I ended up having to come home a couple of weeks into term because of an argument on a night out made it clear we needed to be apart. So I missed a week of uni and had to sort out a place to stay from home. Managed to do it but ended up paying too much for a rubbish place with Chinese students I didn't know and who didn't socialise. I soon lost track with uni work and always dreaded going home. Things were fine with the gf now but I'd gone back to drinking too much, always frequenting the same Soho bar just to talk nonsense to random folk. By the end of October I was back at the doctors knowing all was not well again. This time I changed medication because I was fed up of involuntary 90 minute sex sessions. This time I was on Sertraline and it was awful and then I went on Fluoxetine that gave me vivid dreams. It was all making me feel worse. Meanwhile, my gf had decided she didn't want to face the world again and decided to lie in my bed for 3 weeks. I was accused by her friends of basically imprisoning her, the fact she didn't want to see them was apparently me telling them they couldn't come round. I didn't have the best relationship with her friends, it was different worlds colliding and we just didn't get on. At the same time, back home, Dad was having his bowel taken out and having a stoma created. One day Mum rang me up crying cos she had never seen Dad so distressed and upset. By this point, I'd given up with uni for the term, hoping to sort it out after Christmas. Not an evening went by when I didn't cry either because things weren't going well back home, the fact I'd resigned myself to ****ing up the year of uni, or just because I felt useless, without a purpose. 

 

We went away for Christmas as a family which was nice and I felt somewhat refreshed. However as soon as I got back to uni and my shit flat, I wanted to go home. Uni started and I retreated to type, lying in bed not wanting to do anything or doing anything apart from what I should have been. By this point I was on Mirtazapine but it didn't last long because it made me feel too tired and drowsy. I was given Fluoxetine again but didn't bother taking them. I embarked on some sessions of CBT to try to stop myself blaming myself for everything, beating myself up and generally having a negative outlook on life but they didn't work. (I spoke about this before). I'm so harsh on myself and really punish myself for mistakes.  I'd decided uni just wasn't for me but never actioned withdrawing so blindly carried on thinking I could somehow cram learning all the years content of four modules into 4 weeks revision time, despite the fact I'd become incapable of processing or retaining information.

 

My relationship was seriously hitting the rocks, too many big arguments patched up rather than genuinely dealt with, both of us feeling we had to be something other than ourselves, and our interests were diverging. It wasn't at all healthy and at the end of March, a day before we were going away together for a few days, it all ended. I'd thought we'd spend the Saturday together before we left on the Sunday, doing any last minute shopping and packing together, early night as it was an early flight. On the Friday she'd elected to go to Fabric and on Saturday was feeling the effects of a come down. It got 1pm and I hadn't heard from her, so I was wondering what was going on as I needed to go shopping so wondered if I should go alone. She said she'd get ready and come over but by 3pm that hadn't happened, and then she lets me know she was with friends at Kensington Gardens smoking weed to combat the comedown. I just felt it was disrespectful for her to a)ditch the plans but most importantly not let me know what was going on, all because she made a bad choice on the Friday night. Whilst I was peeved, if she'd just let me know what was actually happening I'd have been okay. The reality was, drugs were playing an increasing role in her life, and whilst I don't have a problem with that, it was excessive which I didn't like and it got in the way of her doing a lot of stuff, not just with me. Ironic that I had a problem with it given my use of alcohol. Anyway, I lost my temper and her phone was off which built the anger, and it was then I lost it and let everything out that had been wrong for the last 3 months, and I was admittedly unpleasant. I then went to the pub for a couple of hours until she messaged me having read what I had already said. These situations and alcohol never mix well and I made it clear that I most certainly was not right for her and I couldn't carry on. I went for a sleep and woke up with her having rang me countless times and tried to talk me out of it. I woke up thinking what the **** have I done and sought to undo my being a ****. Her flatmate said she'd left to come patch things up with me, by the time I'd found her, her friends had convinced her that it was best we did indeed do what I said and split up. I struggled with this big time because I thought I didn't mean it. Hindsight tells me there's a reason I did it in the first place (although not in a very good way) and it has been all the better for me. We made things a lot worse for each other at times. However, at the time I was distraught, regretful and angry. 

 

Uni was going shit, I'd split up with gf, I had only two meaningful friendships of uni, one of which was a bad influence, the other we'd drifted and I'd never really sorted out the problems in my mind that had dogged me from my pre/early teen years. So come early-April, feeling like a failure, a let-down and with no hope, I decided the time had come to put everyone out of their misery. I've always had issues with health anxiety so suicide had never figured prominently in my thinking but now that was the only solution for me. I wrote a note, left it on my desk and went to where I'd wanted to do it (in that selfish way involving trains). The friend that I thought had been a bad influence sensed something was wrong and managed to find me at Euston before I could board the train to where I was to do it(I'd talked before about how I'd do it so I guess he followed that). He convinced me to get the train home instead (cried all the way) and rang my parents to let them know I was coming. Tbh I don't think I'd have gone through with it when it came to it anyway. I tried to go to the doctors the next morning but they refused to see me because I'm no longer registered at home. For some reason, this alongside a day of walking with the dog afterwards, helped it click in my mind that I needed to focus on sorting myself out rather than thinking death was the way out. I think feeling neglect from the doctors outraged me to the extent it made me think of looking after myself rather than expecting it to magically happen. 

 

It took to the beginning of May for me to accept defeat on uni. I didn't want to do it anymore and wanted to do anything else. Knowing I had no chance of doing anything but failing because I was simply not medically fit to sit exams, I deferred my exams a year. Part of me wanted to accept the failure rather than hiding behind mental health. Quite frankly, I was at fault as much as I could blame my mental health. I convinced myself, even though I deferred them, I was to withdraw from uni anyway and go down my own path. But I knew before I could do that, I had to sort my mental health out. The state I'd got into by the time I deferred exams was not sustainable even if I left uni being as I blamed uni for everything. I decided I must put myself first, not worry about anything else and focus on helping myself for the summer. I refused any medication, instead just taking time out and sorting it all out in my own head with the help of some online talking therapy, some books, and turning to a bit of philosophy. Reading, thinking, and writing about philosophy gave me purpose and also forced me into thinking about life in a different way and what I wanted in life. Tbh just taking the time to focus on myself and genuinely just think was as useful to me as any professional help. It gave me a new outlook, perspective, and some vigour. By the end of summer, having turned down some jobs, I decided I didn't want to give up on uni because a)I don't feel like a quitter, b)I was better placed for it now and c) it was daft to give up such an opportunity that few people get and one that opens up so many doors and opportunities. 

 

So first term this year started off well again. I moved flats to a nice place in St John's Wood with some good flatmates. I got on with uni and managed to recover some acquaintanceships I'd let go of so easily. Everything was going well, I was happy and people were saying they'd never seen me like this. My alcohol use dropped and substance use ended. I was feeling positive.. Start of November I was in hospital for a bit with suspected appendicitis (wasn't in the end) and I lost track. Uni also ****ed up with an admin error that left me in the lurch because what I'd been told 6 weeks prior was no longer the case. It added stress. Slowly I retreated to my bed to watch TV and uni progress slowed. I wasn't too concerned because I've alway struggled in the winter months anyway, even as a kid. 

 

I get back home for the Christmas period and Mum's in lots of pain, really struggling and the household is an unhealthy and unhappy place to be. Then just before Christmas we find out that her cancer has progressed but I think can still be managed. Dad's also having problems with his stoma. The last couple of days since Christmas I've been down, I've been crying at night. My friends from home are great but its reminded me of my lack of meaningful friendships back at uni and how isolated I feel sometimes. I'm scared to go back and leave mum and I'm scared I have nothing there. After the social disaster of first year because I was a depressed mess that didn't want social contact, I had the three meaningful relationships I talked about. Split up with the gf, drifted from one, and the other, whilst he saved me and I'm forever grateful, we were bad influences on each other. He has gone completely tee-total now but he's as depressed and down as ever, he just plays computer games and it's difficult to get him to do everything. I have nobody to turn to to talk about anything anymore really and I'm feeling really down about my lack of meaningful relationships there. Given what's happened in the past, I'm scared I'll slip back there and this time instead of having 3 people, I'll have nothing. It's all a reminder of first year in my mind. Tbh, if anything, my focus in the summer on me, made me come across as more selfish to the people I interacted with and isolated me more. Was not the intention.

 

And I blame myself, it didn't have to be this way. I could have just been open at the start. I could have, instead of expecting everything to be fixed magically, done more to help myself over the preceding years. And now I've forgotten how to have meaningful social interactions, I've managed to float around on the edge of things for the last three months but never really been a part of anything. Quite a few one night stands and I hate them but I do it because it's easier than having to continue anything with them. No real friendships built, no real impact made on anyone, too scared to form bonds with people. And now it feels I'm going back to something I hate (even though I enjoyed uni for the first time the last couple of months) with nothing meaningful there. Just me, my bed, my houseplants and nobody who I can genuinely talk to or turn to, no interactions beyond banter and going to the pub. I know next Tuesday, I'm just going to end up back in London, in bed crying about my intransigence to people. I've forgotten how to be a person. 

 

I've managed to write a long whinge this time. It's always just a whinge and little real problems. I've wasted revision time today so I'm going to still post because I'll feel less bad about wasting it then. But I'm sorry to people who have real depression issues, I've been there and you can get through it. I'm just wollowing at the fact I forgot how to be human, which is my fault in the first place.

You seem to feel like you’ve no right to be distressed, anguished, upset, hurt, anxious or any other negative emotion. You don’t seem to allow any human weakness as if it will let you down or someone else. I think our fragility’s are as important as our strengths, it’s part of makes us who we are, it’s what makes us love and care about each other. 

There is nothing wrong in striving to do well and being the best we can be but don’t do it to the detriment of your own sanity, don’t be scared to fail or get things wrong, hell I’ve spent a lifetime doing it.

You can be all the things you want to be but don’t try to control it all along the way, life can and should be unpredictable.

 

I hope your Mum and Dad have as good health as possible, I know how carrying other people health on your shoulders can really affect your mind. It’s difficult if you don’t have someone to share your problems with, I do and sometimes I still don’t. 

[Buce]

39 minutes ago, Great Boos Up said:

From a different angle. My wife got signed off work a month ago. She gave up driving a year ago and the littlest things get her stressed.

I always knew things were difficult for her. I'm not the best husband but I am a loving one.

She is on medication now but after reading this thread I stopped trying to be Mr I'll fix it and just let it be.

I'm not sure what support to give as I'm busy with work. I may be in a financial position next year for her to stop working, but strangely I'm talking to you guys first. Perhaps someone could point me in the right direction.

 

Forgive my stupidity, GBU, but I'm not sure what you're asking - was your wife signed off with depression? What is the relevance of her stopping driving?

[Izzy]

1 hour ago, Foxhateram said:

My wife's level of support so far since talking about it: 

 

How can you be trusted to look after our son when you can barely look afyer yourself. 

 

Just because you've got depression, doesn't mean you nees to push it on us. 

 

You're just difficult to live with... 

 

 

 

Yep this is really helping.... tough few days. Hopefully things will settle in tome and she will understand more soon. 

I think part of the recovery process (for me anyway) was understanding not just my own demons, but what those around me were also going through.

 

It sounds to me like your wife is also hurting and the comments above are part of her way of expressing her own hurt. I guess your role becomes even more important now because you need the mental toughness to not lash out or get into confrontation, but to listen and understand instead. My guess is that she's just projecting her own frustrations back onto you and I'm sure her intention is not to hurt you more.

 

When we're stressed, tired, anxious etc. we really don't pay much conscious attention to what we're saying. We're not operating from that part of our brain because our adrenaline, cortisol and other stress hormones inhibit us from being rational and clear thinking.

 

It may get tougher before it gets better but hang in there mate. Look after yourself first and get you working/thinking better as a priority. Try to stay calm, listen, ask questions, refrain from being judgmental, change your environment..

 

Things will settle in time and she will understand more soon. Hang in there, trust the process, never give up and keep fighting. It seems dark but there is light at the end of the tunnel mate.

 

Keep us posted and good luck.. 

 

[Great Boos Up]

52 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Forgive my stupidity, GBU, but I'm not sure what you're asking - was your wife signed off with depression? What is the relevance of her stopping driving?

Yes signed off with depression. The car thing was when I first realised something was not right.

[Izzy]

1 hour ago, Great Boos Up said:

From a different angle. My wife got signed off work a month ago. She gave up driving a year ago and the littlest things get her stressed.

I always knew things were difficult for her. I'm not the best husband but I am a loving one.

She is on medication now but after reading this thread I stopped trying to be Mr I'll fix it and just let it be.

I'm not sure what support to give as I'm busy with work. I may be in a financial position next year for her to stop working, but strangely I'm talking to you guys first. Perhaps someone could point me in the right direction.

 

15 minutes ago, Great Boos Up said:

Yes signed off with depression. The car thing was when I first realised something was not right.

Mate, I think what your asking is specifically what support you can give your wife now that she's signed off?

 

You seem busy right now so I guess it's how do you support her best when you're not around? You've said you're a loving husband and that above everything else is the main thing. I guess it's tough to provide support 'in person' if you're not there, but phone calls, texts, e-mails, anyway of communicating when you have a spare minute to let her know you're thinking about her.

 

And maybe ask your wife the question you've asked on your first post - "How can I best support you when I'm not around?" and see what she says.

 

I'm not sure there's any specific action or advice anyone can give you because you know your wife better than anyone. You know what she likes, what makes her happy and also what gets her stressed. "How can I help you to be less stressed?", "How are you getting on with the medication?", "What support are your friends giving you?", "How do you know when you're feeling better and "What things are you doing to feel better?"

 

I dunno. I agree that trying to 'fix it' for someone else doesn't work but you can be her trusted partner that provides a safe space for her to open up.

 

As someone told me years ago, "We have two ears and one mouth so use them in that proportion". Supporting others doesn't always mean 'doing stuff' for them and sometimes just being present (even on the phone) actively listening and asking the right questions is enough.

 

Good luck boozy 

[Buce]

1 hour ago, Great Boos Up said:

From a different angle. My wife got signed off work a month ago. She gave up driving a year ago and the littlest things get her stressed.

I always knew things were difficult for her. I'm not the best husband but I am a loving one.

She is on medication now but after reading this thread I stopped trying to be Mr I'll fix it and just let it be.

I'm not sure what support to give as I'm busy with work. I may be in a financial position next year for her to stop working, but strangely I'm talking to you guys first. Perhaps someone could point me in the right direction.

 

18 minutes ago, Great Boos Up said:

Yes signed off with depression. The car thing was when I first realised something was not right.

 

Have you considered asking her what she wants, how she would like you to support her? It may be that you’re jumping to conclusions  in thinking that she’d like to give up work. 

 

My advice, for what it’s worth, would be to engage with her on the subject of her unhappiness and then sit back and listen. 

 

The car thing still puzzles me. Did she choose to stop driving?

[DJ Barry Hammond]

7 hours ago, Great Boos Up said:

Yes signed off with depression. The car thing was when I first realised something was not right.

 

7 hours ago, Buce said:

 

 

Have you considered asking her what she wants, how she would like you to support her? It may be that you’re jumping to conclusions  in thinking that she’d like to give up work. 

 

My advice, for what it’s worth, would be to engage with her on the subject of her unhappiness and then sit back and listen. 

 

The car thing still puzzles me. Did she choose to stop driving?

 

This won’t make things straight forward for you GBU, but I slightly disagree with the guys suggestions on how you might go about things, because a loved one asking direct questions of “how can i help / what she wants” can feel like a pressurised situation and is unlikely to provide the answers and reassurance you need - plus how many women do you know that have  answered a direct questions, huh!?! 

 

I think a better option would be to focus on what time you do have available and put some of that towards having positive and quality experiences together - it doesn’t have to be extravagant or anything with a massive amount of thought in it - going for a walk in the park, out for a coffee, trying something new together (dancing?), doing the weekly shop, cooking a meal from scratch, putting up a shelf - hell, maybe even sex!?!

 

The idea behind this is that rather than you adding an extra pressure to any depression your wife is feeling (because she will feel worse for being aware it’s affecting you), you act as the release valve that takes focus away from her horrible recurring feeling, at least momentarily.  

 

But the other thing i’m hoping you may from this approach is by making a point of doing regular ‘special’ little things together and just generally talking whilst doing those things, a renewned and deeper trust is built between you both and that will encourage your wife to speak about what she’s feeling to you freely without prompt or pushing. 

 

All the best GBU ?

 

Al - wishing he had got to sleep at least 6 hours ago!

[DJ Barry Hammond]

 

@Kopfkino

 

I read most of your post (Christ it goes on!), but it is certainly not a whinge. There is in fact a scary amount of it I can relate to - although that is scant use to you given I still haven’t found the full answer for myself yet.

 

But if there is one thing that must surely be true and be a factor for everyone in this thread;

 

In this modern world, we are subjected to an ever growing range of influences that almost feel designed to feed depression - so it is not your fault

[ozleicester]

15 hours ago, Kopfkino said:

I'm always hesitant to post in this thread because I read other people's stories and they're deep in shit whereas I just feel I'm moping. Reading back my couple of previous posts, I was just whinging, certainly back in the summer but folk here were excellent all the same, I'm embarrassed by it now though. 

 

My first episode of depression came in 2014 after a shit year and I went to the doctors after a couple of big panic attacks early in December following the death of my Grandad, who whilst I may have often bickered with him, I looked up to massively. I also felt pretty lonely as I was on a gap year and all my friends had gone off to uni. I hated the medication but I felt it working (or I just improved with time) and decided to come off it in summer 2015 prior to going to uni, partly because I hated the stuff, partly because I was ashamed, partly because I felt I no longer needed it. 

 

The week before I left for uni, we found out my mum's cancer had come back and was manageable but incurable. When I arrived at uni I tried to make the most of it but I was always scared of what was going on back home. I still made the effort and built some early friendships but I never told anyone what was going on in my head for the first couple of months. I forced myself to be the fun guy. When early November came around (Mum's birthday/anniversary of Grandad's death) I started to retreat into my shell. I was going to uni and going straight back to halls when my timetable permitted to sit in bed and watch TV or play games. Most nights I'd go to pub on my own and talk to the same bloke in the smoking area about giving up. By some miracle I was managing to hold down a fledgling relationship with a girl but it only made me feel more shit because I felt guilty that I cheated on my ex in the summer (she went off the ropes and wouldn't leave me alone until January) so I shied away from any sober intimacy. She was the first person I told anything to about the preceding couple of years and she was great about it, too nice about it if anything. There was only one other person I mentioned anything to in that first term. To everyone else I had started out as a fun sociable guy who ended up not socialising with anyone. 

 

In January 2016, knowing I was in pretty much the same place as I had been 12 months prior, I went back to the doctors. I really didn't want to go on medication again but I gave it a go. At the same time, the only other person I had spoken to about myself went onto anti-depressants and the girl I was seeing decided to lock herself away in her flat for 10 days, refusing to do anything and the only people that saw her were her two flatmates. It was starting to feel that misery just followed me, either I made people miserable or I could only socialise with people as downbeat as myself. I also tried a few counselling sessions, just talking about my childhood from 12 onwards (mum's first diagnosis) and my tendency to beat myself up for not getting everything right straight away as these were things I felt really caused issues for my mental health. They were useful just for talking but I didn't feel it resolved much. By the end of term I'd built one more meaningful friendship but yet again he struggled with depression, was generally negative about everything, and we drank, smoked, and snorted too much. We're still good friends but it probably wasn't the best influence for me. Anyway, things started to pick up for me again and by early summer I stopped taking the medication for all the same reasons as before. I left uni feeling regretful at how few meaningful relationships I developed and how I'd isolated myself rather than getting involved. Still summer came, went on holiday for a couple of weeks with gf, went on holiday with friends from home and then worked in London for rest of it. There was period where I lived with the gf so I didn't have to find accommodation for 4 weeks in between leases. That was a mistake but by the end of summer everything was feeling alright, Mum's condition was being well managed but now Dad was getting pretty unwell having had problems with colitis for many years.

 

Anyway I started 2nd year feeling positive. My accommodation situation fell through right before term started so I moved back in with the gf whilst I sorted that. I ended up having to come home a couple of weeks into term because of an argument on a night out made it clear we needed to be apart. So I missed a week of uni and had to sort out a place to stay from home. Managed to do it but ended up paying too much for a rubbish place with Chinese students I didn't know and who didn't socialise. I soon lost track with uni work and always dreaded going home. Things were fine with the gf now but I'd gone back to drinking too much, always frequenting the same Soho bar just to talk nonsense to random folk. By the end of October I was back at the doctors knowing all was not well again. This time I changed medication because I was fed up of involuntary 90 minute sex sessions. This time I was on Sertraline and it was awful and then I went on Fluoxetine that gave me vivid dreams. It was all making me feel worse. Meanwhile, my gf had decided she didn't want to face the world again and decided to lie in my bed for 3 weeks. I was accused by her friends of basically imprisoning her, the fact she didn't want to see them was apparently me telling them they couldn't come round. I didn't have the best relationship with her friends, it was different worlds colliding and we just didn't get on. At the same time, back home, Dad was having his bowel taken out and having a stoma created. One day Mum rang me up crying cos she had never seen Dad so distressed and upset. By this point, I'd given up with uni for the term, hoping to sort it out after Christmas. Not an evening went by when I didn't cry either because things weren't going well back home, the fact I'd resigned myself to ****ing up the year of uni, or just because I felt useless, without a purpose. 

 

We went away for Christmas as a family which was nice and I felt somewhat refreshed. However as soon as I got back to uni and my shit flat, I wanted to go home. Uni started and I retreated to type, lying in bed not wanting to do anything or doing anything apart from what I should have been. By this point I was on Mirtazapine but it didn't last long because it made me feel too tired and drowsy. I was given Fluoxetine again but didn't bother taking them. I embarked on some sessions of CBT to try to stop myself blaming myself for everything, beating myself up and generally having a negative outlook on life but they didn't work. (I spoke about this before). I'm so harsh on myself and really punish myself for mistakes.  I'd decided uni just wasn't for me but never actioned withdrawing so blindly carried on thinking I could somehow cram learning all the years content of four modules into 4 weeks revision time, despite the fact I'd become incapable of processing or retaining information.

 

My relationship was seriously hitting the rocks, too many big arguments patched up rather than genuinely dealt with, both of us feeling we had to be something other than ourselves, and our interests were diverging. It wasn't at all healthy and at the end of March, a day before we were going away together for a few days, it all ended. I'd thought we'd spend the Saturday together before we left on the Sunday, doing any last minute shopping and packing together, early night as it was an early flight. On the Friday she'd elected to go to Fabric and on Saturday was feeling the effects of a come down. It got 1pm and I hadn't heard from her, so I was wondering what was going on as I needed to go shopping so wondered if I should go alone. She said she'd get ready and come over but by 3pm that hadn't happened, and then she lets me know she was with friends at Kensington Gardens smoking weed to combat the comedown. I just felt it was disrespectful for her to a)ditch the plans but most importantly not let me know what was going on, all because she made a bad choice on the Friday night. Whilst I was peeved, if she'd just let me know what was actually happening I'd have been okay. The reality was, drugs were playing an increasing role in her life, and whilst I don't have a problem with that, it was excessive which I didn't like and it got in the way of her doing a lot of stuff, not just with me. Ironic that I had a problem with it given my use of alcohol. Anyway, I lost my temper and her phone was off which built the anger, and it was then I lost it and let everything out that had been wrong for the last 3 months, and I was admittedly unpleasant. I then went to the pub for a couple of hours until she messaged me having read what I had already said. These situations and alcohol never mix well and I made it clear that I most certainly was not right for her and I couldn't carry on. I went for a sleep and woke up with her having rang me countless times and tried to talk me out of it. I woke up thinking what the **** have I done and sought to undo my being a ****. Her flatmate said she'd left to come patch things up with me, by the time I'd found her, her friends had convinced her that it was best we did indeed do what I said and split up. I struggled with this big time because I thought I didn't mean it. Hindsight tells me there's a reason I did it in the first place (although not in a very good way) and it has been all the better for me. We made things a lot worse for each other at times. However, at the time I was distraught, regretful and angry. 

 

Uni was going shit, I'd split up with gf, I had only two meaningful friendships of uni, one of which was a bad influence, the other we'd drifted and I'd never really sorted out the problems in my mind that had dogged me from my pre/early teen years. So come early-April, feeling like a failure, a let-down and with no hope, I decided the time had come to put everyone out of their misery. I've always had issues with health anxiety so suicide had never figured prominently in my thinking but now that was the only solution for me. I wrote a note, left it on my desk and went to where I'd wanted to do it (in that selfish way involving trains). The friend that I thought had been a bad influence sensed something was wrong and managed to find me at Euston before I could board the train to where I was to do it(I'd talked before about how I'd do it so I guess he followed that). He convinced me to get the train home instead (cried all the way) and rang my parents to let them know I was coming. Tbh I don't think I'd have gone through with it when it came to it anyway. I tried to go to the doctors the next morning but they refused to see me because I'm no longer registered at home. For some reason, this alongside a day of walking with the dog afterwards, helped it click in my mind that I needed to focus on sorting myself out rather than thinking death was the way out. I think feeling neglect from the doctors outraged me to the extent it made me think of looking after myself rather than expecting it to magically happen. 

 

It took to the beginning of May for me to accept defeat on uni. I didn't want to do it anymore and wanted to do anything else. Knowing I had no chance of doing anything but failing because I was simply not medically fit to sit exams, I deferred my exams a year. Part of me wanted to accept the failure rather than hiding behind mental health. Quite frankly, I was at fault as much as I could blame my mental health. I convinced myself, even though I deferred them, I was to withdraw from uni anyway and go down my own path. But I knew before I could do that, I had to sort my mental health out. The state I'd got into by the time I deferred exams was not sustainable even if I left uni being as I blamed uni for everything. I decided I must put myself first, not worry about anything else and focus on helping myself for the summer. I refused any medication, instead just taking time out and sorting it all out in my own head with the help of some online talking therapy, some books, and turning to a bit of philosophy. Reading, thinking, and writing about philosophy gave me purpose and also forced me into thinking about life in a different way and what I wanted in life. Tbh just taking the time to focus on myself and genuinely just think was as useful to me as any professional help. It gave me a new outlook, perspective, and some vigour. By the end of summer, having turned down some jobs, I decided I didn't want to give up on uni because a)I don't feel like a quitter, b)I was better placed for it now and c) it was daft to give up such an opportunity that few people get and one that opens up so many doors and opportunities. 

 

So first term this year started off well again. I moved flats to a nice place in St John's Wood with some good flatmates. I got on with uni and managed to recover some acquaintanceships I'd let go of so easily. Everything was going well, I was happy and people were saying they'd never seen me like this. My alcohol use dropped and substance use ended. I was feeling positive.. Start of November I was in hospital for a bit with suspected appendicitis (wasn't in the end) and I lost track. Uni also ****ed up with an admin error that left me in the lurch because what I'd been told 6 weeks prior was no longer the case. It added stress. Slowly I retreated to my bed to watch TV and uni progress slowed. I wasn't too concerned because I've alway struggled in the winter months anyway, even as a kid. 

 

I get back home for the Christmas period and Mum's in lots of pain, really struggling and the household is an unhealthy and unhappy place to be. Then just before Christmas we find out that her cancer has progressed but I think can still be managed. Dad's also having problems with his stoma. The last couple of days since Christmas I've been down, I've been crying at night. My friends from home are great but its reminded me of my lack of meaningful friendships back at uni and how isolated I feel sometimes. I'm scared to go back and leave mum and I'm scared I have nothing there. After the social disaster of first year because I was a depressed mess that didn't want social contact, I had the three meaningful relationships I talked about. Split up with the gf, drifted from one, and the other, whilst he saved me and I'm forever grateful, we were bad influences on each other. He has gone completely tee-total now but he's as depressed and down as ever, he just plays computer games and it's difficult to get him to do everything. I have nobody to turn to to talk about anything anymore really and I'm feeling really down about my lack of meaningful relationships there. Given what's happened in the past, I'm scared I'll slip back there and this time instead of having 3 people, I'll have nothing. It's all a reminder of first year in my mind. Tbh, if anything, my focus in the summer on me, made me come across as more selfish to the people I interacted with and isolated me more. Was not the intention.

 

And I blame myself, it didn't have to be this way. I could have just been open at the start. I could have, instead of expecting everything to be fixed magically, done more to help myself over the preceding years. And now I've forgotten how to have meaningful social interactions, I've managed to float around on the edge of things for the last three months but never really been a part of anything. Quite a few one night stands and I hate them but I do it because it's easier than having to continue anything with them. No real friendships built, no real impact made on anyone, too scared to form bonds with people. And now it feels I'm going back to something I hate (even though I enjoyed uni for the first time the last couple of months) with nothing meaningful there. Just me, my bed, my houseplants and nobody who I can genuinely talk to or turn to, no interactions beyond banter and going to the pub. I know next Tuesday, I'm just going to end up back in London, in bed crying about my intransigence to people. I've forgotten how to be a person. 

 

I've managed to write a long whinge this time. It's always just a whinge and little real problems. I've wasted revision time today so I'm going to still post because I'll feel less bad about wasting it then. But I'm sorry to people who have real depression issues, I've been there and you can get through it. I'm just wollowing at the fact I forgot how to be human, which is my fault in the first place.

You, your issues, feelings and life are as important and relevant as anyone elses, you may see theirs as bigger, but dont look down on your own situation. Its great that you were able to let it out and its important for you to read it back and appreciate that.

 

It is incredible how much we blame ourselves for issues that are not of our choosing, I dont have any answers except to say that talking to people (doctors, strangers, family, anybody) will ALWAYS help.

 

Please dont stop talking.

 

[Crinklyfox]

19 hours ago, Kopfkino said:

I get back home for the Christmas period and Mum's in lots of pain, really struggling and the household is an unhealthy and unhappy place to be. Then just before Christmas we find out that her cancer has progressed but I think can still be managed. Dad's also having problems with his stoma. The last couple of days since Christmas I've been down, I've been crying at night. My friends from home are great but its reminded me of my lack of meaningful friendships back at uni and how isolated I feel sometimes. I'm scared to go back and leave mum and I'm scared I have nothing there. After the social disaster of first year because I was a depressed mess that didn't want social contact, I had the three meaningful relationships I talked about. Split up with the gf, drifted from one, and the other, whilst he saved me and I'm forever grateful, we were bad influences on each other. He has gone completely tee-total now but he's as depressed and down as ever, he just plays computer games and it's difficult to get him to do everything. I have nobody to turn to to talk about anything anymore really and I'm feeling really down about my lack of meaningful relationships there. Given what's happened in the past, I'm scared I'll slip back there and this time instead of having 3 people, I'll have nothing. It's all a reminder of first year in my mind. Tbh, if anything, my focus in the summer on me, made me come across as more selfish to the people I interacted with and isolated me more. Was not the intention.

 

And I blame myself, it didn't have to be this way. I could have just been open at the start. I could have, instead of expecting everything to be fixed magically, done more to help myself over the preceding years. And now I've forgotten how to have meaningful social interactions, I've managed to float around on the edge of things for the last three months but never really been a part of anything. Quite a few one night stands and I hate them but I do it because it's easier than having to continue anything with them. No real friendships built, no real impact made on anyone, too scared to form bonds with people. And now it feels I'm going back to something I hate (even though I enjoyed uni for the first time the last couple of months) with nothing meaningful there. Just me, my bed, my houseplants and nobody who I can genuinely talk to or turn to, no interactions beyond banter and going to the pub. I know next Tuesday, I'm just going to end up back in London, in bed crying about my intransigence to people. I've forgotten how to be a person. 

 

I've managed to write a long whinge this time. It's always just a whinge and little real problems. I've wasted revision time today so I'm going to still post because I'll feel less bad about wasting it then. But I'm sorry to people who have real depression issues, I've been there and you can get through it. I'm just wollowing at the fact I forgot how to be human, which is my fault in the first place.

I read your post several times.  You've experienced some bad times and you appear to be blaming yourself for issues that were not all within your control.  it's easy to be self-critical and to experience self-loathing when depressed.  There's an evil voice that compares us to some mythical ideal person for whom nothing goes wrong and to find ourselves wanting.  That person doesn't exist and the past has happened, like it or not, so what is important now is that you manage the future as well as you can without letting the past crush you.  None of us were born perfect and many of us have regrets from our pasts.

 

Your parents are having a bad time but there is a limit to what you can do to help them.  There is nothing that you can do about their physical ailments but you can give them emotional support.  As a parent myself there is nothing more important to me than my children - I agonise over their difficulties and desperately want them to be successful and happy in their lives.  Many years ago I quit uni to my mother's distress particularly, she was much happier when I returned for a second attempt and eventually got my degree.  It sounds to me that you're having a much worse time at uni than I did but if you're in your final year now you only have around 20 weeks to stick it out and get what all your efforts deserve.  If you really want to quit uni you'll need to be able to live with that for the rest of your life - a friend of mine did and he still regrets it over forty years later.

 

Everyone needs a safe haven where they can get support.  If part of your life is bad in one place then you can feel better by being in another place for a while.  Some people can't stand their jobs but have a great home life whilst others with a troubled home life can lose their troubles in work.  If you can find an environment which isn't stressful then you stand a good chance of improving your mood.

 

There has been a path that has led you to your current situation, your post described it well.  There is another path away from it, many have been in a similar dark place and found that path.  If you can't see it now then although that can be distressing, it doesn't mean that the path isn't there and that you are doomed to stay in your present state forever.  Be gentle with yourself and strive for happiness.

[srbfox]

A little update on my situation for those who have helped, supported and gave me advice. 

 

After 3 weeks of soiled 16hr days I took the decisions and handed in my notice. I'm going to be a stay at home Dad for a couple of months and either look to get back into my field of expertise or find something completely new. 

 

It was a black black and white choice of choosing work or the family. I feel a lot of pressure off my shoulders and am looking forward to a new year and a new start. We still have some work to do on our marrage but that is our main focus moving on. 

 

Thansk for all your help help and I look forward to tell you all about new episodes of peppa pig and how many mini mouse play houses I have built in the coming months ahead. 

 

Giving up work was a huge decision as it has been the one thing that has kept me away from demonds I have. But now I have a family and a football team to indulge in. 

 

"The most difficult step ever is the first step. It comes with doubts, uncertainties, and all sort of fears. If you defy all odds and take it, your confidence will replicate very fast and you'll become a master"

 

have a a great new year guys. Take that step, focus on what really matter. The only thing that is stopping you overcoming your obstacles is yourself. 

[Guest]

On 29/12/2017 at 15:09, Kopfkino said:

I'm always hesitant to post in this thread because I read other people's stories and they're deep in shit whereas I just feel I'm moping. Reading back my couple of previous posts, I was just whinging, certainly back in the summer but folk here were excellent all the same, I'm embarrassed by it now though. 

 

My first episode of depression came in 2014 after a shit year and I went to the doctors after a couple of big panic attacks early in December following the death of my Grandad, who whilst I may have often bickered with him, I looked up to massively. I also felt pretty lonely as I was on a gap year and all my friends had gone off to uni. I hated the medication but I felt it working (or I just improved with time) and decided to come off it in summer 2015 prior to going to uni, partly because I hated the stuff, partly because I was ashamed, partly because I felt I no longer needed it. 

 

The week before I left for uni, we found out my mum's cancer had come back and was manageable but incurable. When I arrived at uni I tried to make the most of it but I was always scared of what was going on back home. I still made the effort and built some early friendships but I never told anyone what was going on in my head for the first couple of months. I forced myself to be the fun guy. When early November came around (Mum's birthday/anniversary of Grandad's death) I started to retreat into my shell. I was going to uni and going straight back to halls when my timetable permitted to sit in bed and watch TV or play games. Most nights I'd go to pub on my own and talk to the same bloke in the smoking area about giving up. By some miracle I was managing to hold down a fledgling relationship with a girl but it only made me feel more shit because I felt guilty that I cheated on my ex in the summer (she went off the ropes and wouldn't leave me alone until January) so I shied away from any sober intimacy. She was the first person I told anything to about the preceding couple of years and she was great about it, too nice about it if anything. There was only one other person I mentioned anything to in that first term. To everyone else I had started out as a fun sociable guy who ended up not socialising with anyone. 

 

In January 2016, knowing I was in pretty much the same place as I had been 12 months prior, I went back to the doctors. I really didn't want to go on medication again but I gave it a go. At the same time, the only other person I had spoken to about myself went onto anti-depressants and the girl I was seeing decided to lock herself away in her flat for 10 days, refusing to do anything and the only people that saw her were her two flatmates. It was starting to feel that misery just followed me, either I made people miserable or I could only socialise with people as downbeat as myself. I also tried a few counselling sessions, just talking about my childhood from 12 onwards (mum's first diagnosis) and my tendency to beat myself up for not getting everything right straight away as these were things I felt really caused issues for my mental health. They were useful just for talking but I didn't feel it resolved much. By the end of term I'd built one more meaningful friendship but yet again he struggled with depression, was generally negative about everything, and we drank, smoked, and snorted too much. We're still good friends but it probably wasn't the best influence for me. Anyway, things started to pick up for me again and by early summer I stopped taking the medication for all the same reasons as before. I left uni feeling regretful at how few meaningful relationships I developed and how I'd isolated myself rather than getting involved. Still summer came, went on holiday for a couple of weeks with gf, went on holiday with friends from home and then worked in London for rest of it. There was period where I lived with the gf so I didn't have to find accommodation for 4 weeks in between leases. That was a mistake but by the end of summer everything was feeling alright, Mum's condition was being well managed but now Dad was getting pretty unwell having had problems with colitis for many years.

 

Anyway I started 2nd year feeling positive. My accommodation situation fell through right before term started so I moved back in with the gf whilst I sorted that. I ended up having to come home a couple of weeks into term because of an argument on a night out made it clear we needed to be apart. So I missed a week of uni and had to sort out a place to stay from home. Managed to do it but ended up paying too much for a rubbish place with Chinese students I didn't know and who didn't socialise. I soon lost track with uni work and always dreaded going home. Things were fine with the gf now but I'd gone back to drinking too much, always frequenting the same Soho bar just to talk nonsense to random folk. By the end of October I was back at the doctors knowing all was not well again. This time I changed medication because I was fed up of involuntary 90 minute sex sessions. This time I was on Sertraline and it was awful and then I went on Fluoxetine that gave me vivid dreams. It was all making me feel worse. Meanwhile, my gf had decided she didn't want to face the world again and decided to lie in my bed for 3 weeks. I was accused by her friends of basically imprisoning her, the fact she didn't want to see them was apparently me telling them they couldn't come round. I didn't have the best relationship with her friends, it was different worlds colliding and we just didn't get on. At the same time, back home, Dad was having his bowel taken out and having a stoma created. One day Mum rang me up crying cos she had never seen Dad so distressed and upset. By this point, I'd given up with uni for the term, hoping to sort it out after Christmas. Not an evening went by when I didn't cry either because things weren't going well back home, the fact I'd resigned myself to ****ing up the year of uni, or just because I felt useless, without a purpose. 

 

We went away for Christmas as a family which was nice and I felt somewhat refreshed. However as soon as I got back to uni and my shit flat, I wanted to go home. Uni started and I retreated to type, lying in bed not wanting to do anything or doing anything apart from what I should have been. By this point I was on Mirtazapine but it didn't last long because it made me feel too tired and drowsy. I was given Fluoxetine again but didn't bother taking them. I embarked on some sessions of CBT to try to stop myself blaming myself for everything, beating myself up and generally having a negative outlook on life but they didn't work. (I spoke about this before). I'm so harsh on myself and really punish myself for mistakes.  I'd decided uni just wasn't for me but never actioned withdrawing so blindly carried on thinking I could somehow cram learning all the years content of four modules into 4 weeks revision time, despite the fact I'd become incapable of processing or retaining information.

 

My relationship was seriously hitting the rocks, too many big arguments patched up rather than genuinely dealt with, both of us feeling we had to be something other than ourselves, and our interests were diverging. It wasn't at all healthy and at the end of March, a day before we were going away together for a few days, it all ended. I'd thought we'd spend the Saturday together before we left on the Sunday, doing any last minute shopping and packing together, early night as it was an early flight. On the Friday she'd elected to go to Fabric and on Saturday was feeling the effects of a come down. It got 1pm and I hadn't heard from her, so I was wondering what was going on as I needed to go shopping so wondered if I should go alone. She said she'd get ready and come over but by 3pm that hadn't happened, and then she lets me know she was with friends at Kensington Gardens smoking weed to combat the comedown. I just felt it was disrespectful for her to a)ditch the plans but most importantly not let me know what was going on, all because she made a bad choice on the Friday night. Whilst I was peeved, if she'd just let me know what was actually happening I'd have been okay. The reality was, drugs were playing an increasing role in her life, and whilst I don't have a problem with that, it was excessive which I didn't like and it got in the way of her doing a lot of stuff, not just with me. Ironic that I had a problem with it given my use of alcohol. Anyway, I lost my temper and her phone was off which built the anger, and it was then I lost it and let everything out that had been wrong for the last 3 months, and I was admittedly unpleasant. I then went to the pub for a couple of hours until she messaged me having read what I had already said. These situations and alcohol never mix well and I made it clear that I most certainly was not right for her and I couldn't carry on. I went for a sleep and woke up with her having rang me countless times and tried to talk me out of it. I woke up thinking what the **** have I done and sought to undo my being a ****. Her flatmate said she'd left to come patch things up with me, by the time I'd found her, her friends had convinced her that it was best we did indeed do what I said and split up. I struggled with this big time because I thought I didn't mean it. Hindsight tells me there's a reason I did it in the first place (although not in a very good way) and it has been all the better for me. We made things a lot worse for each other at times. However, at the time I was distraught, regretful and angry. 

 

Uni was going shit, I'd split up with gf, I had only two meaningful friendships of uni, one of which was a bad influence, the other we'd drifted and I'd never really sorted out the problems in my mind that had dogged me from my pre/early teen years. So come early-April, feeling like a failure, a let-down and with no hope, I decided the time had come to put everyone out of their misery. I've always had issues with health anxiety so suicide had never figured prominently in my thinking but now that was the only solution for me. I wrote a note, left it on my desk and went to where I'd wanted to do it (in that selfish way involving trains). The friend that I thought had been a bad influence sensed something was wrong and managed to find me at Euston before I could board the train to where I was to do it(I'd talked before about how I'd do it so I guess he followed that). He convinced me to get the train home instead (cried all the way) and rang my parents to let them know I was coming. Tbh I don't think I'd have gone through with it when it came to it anyway. I tried to go to the doctors the next morning but they refused to see me because I'm no longer registered at home. For some reason, this alongside a day of walking with the dog afterwards, helped it click in my mind that I needed to focus on sorting myself out rather than thinking death was the way out. I think feeling neglect from the doctors outraged me to the extent it made me think of looking after myself rather than expecting it to magically happen. 

 

It took to the beginning of May for me to accept defeat on uni. I didn't want to do it anymore and wanted to do anything else. Knowing I had no chance of doing anything but failing because I was simply not medically fit to sit exams, I deferred my exams a year. Part of me wanted to accept the failure rather than hiding behind mental health. Quite frankly, I was at fault as much as I could blame my mental health. I convinced myself, even though I deferred them, I was to withdraw from uni anyway and go down my own path. But I knew before I could do that, I had to sort my mental health out. The state I'd got into by the time I deferred exams was not sustainable even if I left uni being as I blamed uni for everything. I decided I must put myself first, not worry about anything else and focus on helping myself for the summer. I refused any medication, instead just taking time out and sorting it all out in my own head with the help of some online talking therapy, some books, and turning to a bit of philosophy. Reading, thinking, and writing about philosophy gave me purpose and also forced me into thinking about life in a different way and what I wanted in life. Tbh just taking the time to focus on myself and genuinely just think was as useful to me as any professional help. It gave me a new outlook, perspective, and some vigour. By the end of summer, having turned down some jobs, I decided I didn't want to give up on uni because a)I don't feel like a quitter, b)I was better placed for it now and c) it was daft to give up such an opportunity that few people get and one that opens up so many doors and opportunities. 

 

So first term this year started off well again. I moved flats to a nice place in St John's Wood with some good flatmates. I got on with uni and managed to recover some acquaintanceships I'd let go of so easily. Everything was going well, I was happy and people were saying they'd never seen me like this. My alcohol use dropped and substance use ended. I was feeling positive.. Start of November I was in hospital for a bit with suspected appendicitis (wasn't in the end) and I lost track. Uni also ****ed up with an admin error that left me in the lurch because what I'd been told 6 weeks prior was no longer the case. It added stress. Slowly I retreated to my bed to watch TV and uni progress slowed. I wasn't too concerned because I've alway struggled in the winter months anyway, even as a kid. 

 

I get back home for the Christmas period and Mum's in lots of pain, really struggling and the household is an unhealthy and unhappy place to be. Then just before Christmas we find out that her cancer has progressed but I think can still be managed. Dad's also having problems with his stoma. The last couple of days since Christmas I've been down, I've been crying at night. My friends from home are great but its reminded me of my lack of meaningful friendships back at uni and how isolated I feel sometimes. I'm scared to go back and leave mum and I'm scared I have nothing there. After the social disaster of first year because I was a depressed mess that didn't want social contact, I had the three meaningful relationships I talked about. Split up with the gf, drifted from one, and the other, whilst he saved me and I'm forever grateful, we were bad influences on each other. He has gone completely tee-total now but he's as depressed and down as ever, he just plays computer games and it's difficult to get him to do everything. I have nobody to turn to to talk about anything anymore really and I'm feeling really down about my lack of meaningful relationships there. Given what's happened in the past, I'm scared I'll slip back there and this time instead of having 3 people, I'll have nothing. It's all a reminder of first year in my mind. Tbh, if anything, my focus in the summer on me, made me come across as more selfish to the people I interacted with and isolated me more. Was not the intention.

 

And I blame myself, it didn't have to be this way. I could have just been open at the start. I could have, instead of expecting everything to be fixed magically, done more to help myself over the preceding years. And now I've forgotten how to have meaningful social interactions, I've managed to float around on the edge of things for the last three months but never really been a part of anything. Quite a few one night stands and I hate them but I do it because it's easier than having to continue anything with them. No real friendships built, no real impact made on anyone, too scared to form bonds with people. And now it feels I'm going back to something I hate (even though I enjoyed uni for the first time the last couple of months) with nothing meaningful there. Just me, my bed, my houseplants and nobody who I can genuinely talk to or turn to, no interactions beyond banter and going to the pub. I know next Tuesday, I'm just going to end up back in London, in bed crying about my intransigence to people. I've forgotten how to be a person. 

 

I've managed to write a long whinge this time. It's always just a whinge and little real problems. I've wasted revision time today so I'm going to still post because I'll feel less bad about wasting it then. But I'm sorry to people who have real depression issues, I've been there and you can get through it. I'm just wollowing at the fact I forgot how to be human, which is my fault in the first place.

Bloody hell mate, sorry to hear your in a bad place.

 

I'm going to give you my two pence worth - sorry if this isn't much use but maybe in some way it might be?

 

Back when I was at uni I had a period of real depression so you're certainly not the first. Although you've got better underlying reasons for it than I did, loneliness seems to be the common theme between me then and you now. I was probably more fortunate in that I didn't completely back out and still kept important friendships going. 

 

You seem to be in a catch 22 of wanting more social interaction but being scared from actually interacting. That said, you've had one night stands and trips to the pub so you clearly are able to have some level of successful interactions on a surface level. 

 

Your family's medical issues are really sad and I understand why you'd be finding it difficult to deal with, anybody would be.

 

This may sound really obvious and I'm sorry if it isn't helpful but it seems to me that you need to find yourself a little bit and have more meaningful relationships grow organically without looking for them.

 

What do you enjoy? I know when depressed you probably don't feel like doing anything but you perhaps have something that give always been interested in whether that be football, politics, snooker, books - whatever - that you could still find enjoyment in. The great thing about uni is that every possibility exists. If you're into philosophy they'll be a society for that. Find that one thing you enjoy and find out where you can participate. Go along to enjoy that thing, not to make friendships, and over time it may help you remember who you are and at the same time friendships will likely be formed organically as you'll be with people who have a shared interest. From there you can begin to get a little bit of a foothold again. 

 

As i say, that may be too obvious so sorry if its no help. 

 

[Kopfkino]

On 30/12/2017 at 10:37, Crinklyfox said:

There has been a path that has led you to your current situation, your post described it well.  There is another path away from it, many have been in a similar dark place and found that path.  If you can't see it now then although that can be distressing, it doesn't mean that the path isn't there and that you are doomed to stay in your present state forever.  Be gentle with yourself and strive for happiness.

 

What I worry about is that I, whilst I'm not on a full tilt of depression and really I'm just a bit down and don't know where to turn, is that I don't see a way out of this predicament like I have in the past. Previously, apart from when I was ready to call time on it all, I have always thought this will get better because that's what time does. But now it just feels I will never be able to create meaningful or impactful relationships because I've failed so miserably at it the last couple of years. But actually reading these responses, I realise that actually, there must be the way out you mention because it's not down to me being socially inept. I am able to network at careers events and talk to folk when I'm out, it's just I'm never able to convert anything beyond brief social encounters.

 

 

5 hours ago, toddybad said:

 

This may sound really obvious and I'm sorry if it isn't helpful but it seems to me that you need to find yourself a little bit and have more meaningful relationships grow organically without looking for them.

 

What do you enjoy? I know when depressed you probably don't feel like doing anything but you perhaps have something that give always been interested in whether that be football, politics, snooker, books - whatever - that you could still find enjoyment in. The great thing about uni is that every possibility exists. If you're into philosophy they'll be a society for that. Find that one thing you enjoy and find out where you can participate. Go along to enjoy that thing, not to make friendships, and over time it may help you remember who you are and at the same time friendships will likely be formed organically as you'll be with people who have a shared interest. From there you can begin to get a little bit of a foothold again. 

 

As i say, that may be too obvious so sorry if its no help. 

 

 

Great question, what do I enjoy? I don't enjoy much. Thing is, most things I enjoy because they're solo activities, like swimming and cooking. I enjoy them because it's just me and my head for a bit. The philosophy I like because it's chance for me to just think of stuff. I hated the uni football team because of too many people trying to be lads lads lads. And then I also struggle because I hate anything that's too serious (ironic given my football comment). I think it's a bigger problem at my uni than most, but I go to society meetings and it super serious. Went to the pool team social matches, so serious you'd think it was the final of a competition rather than a relaxed get together. I also struggle because I feel intimidated when entering a situation people already know each other and friendships are entrenched. Talking to two blokes in a smoking area, fine. Joining in a group of 12 people in whatever society, I struggle. 

[HighPeakFox]

4 minutes ago, Kopfkino said:

 

What I worry about is that I, whilst I'm not on a full tilt of depression and really I'm just a bit down and don't know where to turn, is that I don't see a way out of this predicament like I have in the past. Previously, apart from when I was ready to call time on it all, I have always thought this will get better because that's what time does. But now it just feels I will never be able to create meaningful or impactful relationships because I've failed so miserably at it the last couple of years. But actually reading these responses, I realise that actually, there must be the way out you mention because it's not down to me being socially inept. I am able to network at careers events and talk to folk when I'm out, it's just I'm never able to convert anything beyond brief social encounters.

 

 

 

Great question, what do I enjoy? I don't enjoy much. Thing is, most things I enjoy because they're solo activities, like swimming and cooking. I enjoy them because it's just me and my head for a bit. The philosophy I like because it's chance for me to just think of stuff. I hated the uni football team because of too many people trying to be lads lads lads. And then I also struggle because I hate anything that's too serious (ironic given my football comment). I think it's a bigger problem at my uni than most, but I go to society meetings and it super serious. Went to the pool team social matches, so serious you'd think it was the final of a competition rather than a relaxed get together. I also struggle because I feel intimidated when entering a situation people already know each other and friendships are entrenched. Talking to two blokes in a smoking area, fine. Joining in a group of 12 people in whatever society, I struggle. 

Our politics may differ, but you sound very like me, albeit younger. Be kind to yourself.

[DJ Barry Hammond]

9 minutes ago, Kopfkino said:

Great question, what do I enjoy? I don't enjoy much. Thing is, most things I enjoy because they're solo activities, like swimming and cooking. I enjoy them because it's just me and my head for a bit. The philosophy I like because it's chance for me to just think of stuff. I hated the uni football team because of too many people trying to be lads lads lads. And then I also struggle because I hate anything that's too serious (ironic given my football comment). I think it's a bigger problem at my uni than most, but I go to society meetings and it super serious. Went to the pool team social matches, so serious you'd think it was the final of a competition rather than a relaxed get together. I also struggle because I feel intimidated when entering a situation people already know each other and friendships are entrenched. Talking to two blokes in a smoking area, fine. Joining in a group of 12 people in whatever society, I struggle. 

 

Not really relevant @Kopfkino but how old are you - you sound like a younger version of me (i’m 36) 

 

To give you a bit more on this and my situation, I got to a point post 30 where I’d be single for ages, grown up friends all married/kids and I felt stuck in a monotonous rut with an office job that was comfortable, paid alright, but going nowhere and provided an unreasonable amount of stress given the junior position. 

 

Life was clearly not turning out as I had envisaged it at a younger age, I still hadn’t gained that first professional football player contracts and time was running out for that, so it felt I had wasted a lot of years just following a life story path rather than actively pursuing things I wanted to do - and my dads sudden death at 66 put an even bigger prospective on that.

 

I also struggled in social situations, especially around women and would normally end up playing to the crowd a little to gain friendships, meaning I didn’t feel secure in them or myself.

 

Having a determined streak in me, I did try perusing new interests and activites, ironically a lot of the money solo ones, but that in turn tired me out, got me into a negative thinking spiral and losing sight of anyway forward to the extent I just stopped - stopped talking, stopped doing pretty much anything, just camped in a room for about 2 months... to the point where I got committed (which is a great thing to happen for ones self esteem!) 

 

Anyway, is there a brightside to this?

 

Well, two years and another episode down the line I had applied to University and been accepted by Teesside Uni to study journalism- which felt great and I thought my issues were behind me... until I had another episode in November which hit me hard because I had hoped I was past all that. 

 

It leaves things in a bit of a mess to go back to in the new year, but my brain’s kicked round to the fighting position again, so no doubt I will plot myself head first into things, trying to make up for things - and knowing i probably can’t stop myself from doing that i’m resigned to thinking i’ll probably have another downward spiral in six months.

 

But i guess the thing to take from this, should you feel your mind works a little like mine, is that you find things will go in cycles and at some point you will get that determination back to go and attack life again - even if you have to do it by almost kidding yourself into it - and that should you hit low points again on the way you will become better at recognising the signs and dealing with them.

[Crinklyfox]

1 hour ago, Kopfkino said:

 

What I worry about is that I, whilst I'm not on a full tilt of depression and really I'm just a bit down and don't know where to turn, is that I don't see a way out of this predicament like I have in the past. Previously, apart from when I was ready to call time on it all, I have always thought this will get better because that's what time does. But now it just feels I will never be able to create meaningful or impactful relationships because I've failed so miserably at it the last couple of years. But actually reading these responses, I realise that actually, there must be the way out you mention because it's not down to me being socially inept. I am able to network at careers events and talk to folk when I'm out, it's just I'm never able to convert anything beyond brief social encounters.

 

Never is a long time.  It's probably more accurate to say that you have found some social encounters and relationships difficult in the past but that doesn't mean that you won't.  I've always considered myself to be fairly poor socially, though funnily enough that view isn't shared by many of those who know me.  What I do know is that I've got better at them over the years.  We gain confidence by doing things, avoiding them doesn't help in that respect.  And the day I met my wife to be changed my life - I didn't see it coming but after it happened nothing was the same again.  And I had tried to avoid social encounters on that day too.  I was playing darts in my local when my flatmate interrupted me and told me that there were two lovely lassies just come into the pub and he wanted to chat one up so he needed me to come with him.  My response was 'P*ss off mate I'm playing darts' but he wouldn't have it and dragged me out of my comfort zone to change my life forever.

[ozleicester]

On 31/12/2017 at 17:22, srbfox said:

A little update on my situation for those who have helped, supported and gave me advice. 

 

After 3 weeks of soiled 16hr days I took the decisions and handed in my notice. I'm going to be a stay at home Dad for a couple of months and either look to get back into my field of expertise or find something completely new. 

 

It was a black black and white choice of choosing work or the family. I feel a lot of pressure off my shoulders and am looking forward to a new year and a new start. We still have some work to do on our marrage but that is our main focus moving on. 

 

Thansk for all your help help and I look forward to tell you all about new episodes of peppa pig and how many mini mouse play houses I have built in the coming months ahead. 

 

Giving up work was a huge decision as it has been the one thing that has kept me away from demonds I have. But now I have a family and a football team to indulge in. 

 

"The most difficult step ever is the first step. It comes with doubts, uncertainties, and all sort of fears. If you defy all odds and take it, your confidence will replicate very fast and you'll become a master"

 

have a a great new year guys. Take that step, focus on what really matter. The only thing that is stopping you overcoming your obstacles is yourself. 

Great to read and feel the positivity, Youve made what is a very very difficult decision but you have made one that is right for you and your family...often what is most important to us doesn't get the recognition it should.

 

There will undoubtedly be tough times, but stick to doing what you need to do, dont worry about what others are doing and saying.

 

Have a great 2018 .........Thanks for sharing  

[Rob1742]

I don’t suffer, but something that made a difference in the way I thought about things  many years ago was a course of tapes (tapes, that’s how long ago it was) by an American by Lou Tice.

 

These things can be business orientated, but this wasn’t, it was just on how the mind works and how you can change its thought and next move.

 

It was around 25 years ago I listened to them, initially in a group of around 20 people, and it was interesting to see how everybody thought, and how their mindset changed after listening to the tapes.

 

I think for me, it was a question of understanding the mind, rather than needing change, but I couldn’t praise this system highly enough as I could see the benefits it would bring others.

 

I have read a few of the posts on here, and genuinely think it might help some people. At the very least it would give a focus, an avenue, but also it will be thought provoking and I am sure everyone would get something out of it.

 

I don’t know how the tapes have progressed over the years, I know Lou passed away a few years ago, but it’s worth exploring in my opinion as it really dug deep with me. 

[Buce]

 

Is everything you think you know about depression wrong?

 

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/jan/07/is-everything-you-think-you-know-about-depression-wrong-johann-hari-lost-connections

[Jon the Hat]

Sounds look a book worth reading.  To be honest I always assumed I was depressed for emotional reasons, I just haven't worked them through yet.  The pills are a crutch in the meantime to try to stop me falling.

[ozleicester]

22 hours ago, Buce said:

 

Is everything you think you know about depression wrong?

 

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/jan/07/is-everything-you-think-you-know-about-depression-wrong-johann-hari-lost-connections

An interesting read, as with all studies, reports and investigations, i would like to know a little more about the author and quoted Doctors.

 

Either way, its pretty obvious to me that our lives and lifestyles play a part in our mental well being...but, i will leave this for discussion in other threads.

 

For anyone struggling/suffering please always remember there are people that love you and will help you. If you can do anything, talk to someone. 

[TheLittleBigMan]

I've had mental illness my entire adult life. Shrinks, happy tablets, i've lost count. For me it's become about embracing it. Yes i'm as mad as a box of frogs but look at the world we live in? And society says i'm the crazy one??

Fu*k that. I'm almost glad i'm different, almost...

[the fox]

@TheLittleBigMan

 

the problem is, LBM, when you start thinking about medication and professional help as routine, it becomes just that; just another routine.
brushing your teeth is routine, disposing of garbage is routine. so on and so forth. 
 

the thing about routine is, your mind goes on autopilot. you start seeing those things as nuisance. just another thing to get out of the way in order for you to get on with your life. you are not expecting routine to change your life drastically. just another "meh" in this big archive that we call life.

 

being different is good, that's what makes you the person that you are. but that doesn't mean you shouldn't work on bettering yourself. we all have shortcomings, some more than others.

blaming it all on the world isn't gonna do you that much good. it's like being trapped in a dark room and instead of trying to get out, you make it worse by putting yourself inside a cardboard box.

 

hopefully you open up more to this forum and let us all try and figure this thing out. life is too short to be grumpy and bitter about it.

a motivational wards i got from a former NFL football player, i don't look at them as an angry outlash towards others , but more as a reminder to that scared, cowardly part of me that's always trying to hold me back and deflect blame

 

"i know you don't wan't me to shine, but i'm gonna shine anyways, because i love me some me"

Edited 22 January 2018 by the fox

[TheLittleBigMan]

16 minutes ago, the fox said:

@TheLittleBigMan

 

the problem is, LBM, when you start thinking about medication and professional help as routine, it become just that; just another routine.
brushing your teeth is routine, disposing of garbage is routine. so on and so forth. 
 

the thing about routine is, your mind goes on autopilot. you start seeing those things as nuisance. just another thing to get out of the way in order for you to get on with your life. you are not expecting routine to change your life drastically. just another "meh" in this big archive that we call life.

 

being different is good, that's what makes you the person that you are. but that doesn't mean you shouldn't work on bettering yourself. we all have shortcomings, some more than others.

blaming it all on the world isn't gonna do you that much good. it's like being trapped in a dark room and instead of trying to get out, you make it worse put yourself inside a cardboard box.

 

hopefully you open up more to this forum and let us all try and figure this thing out. life is too short to be grumpy and bitter about it.

a motivational wards i got from a former NFL football player, i don't look at them as an angry outlash towards others , but more as a reminder to that scared, cowardly part of me that's always trying to hold me back and deflect blame

 

"i know you don't wan't me to shine, but i'm gonna shine anyways, because i love me some me"

Wouldn't disagree with most of your post. I suppose having spent 25+ yrs on it it's as much, if not more about chemical imbalance as it is about the stuff i've had to live through. For example, I had a 12 month stint with a shrink a few years back, it was private and cost £50 an hour. I ran out of money, so I went to her house, weeded her garden, mowed the lawns etc just to get one more session. Was on happy tablets too - i've left nothing in the tank trying to overcome it and at this point I realise that I will always have problems with it but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Yes I get ill sometimes but that's ok. Being afraid of it is not ok. The crazy world I live in is an analogy I use to remind me that craziness is anyones definition. I define mine as something as good as it is bad. It's taken me this long to own it and not have it own me  

Edited 22 January 2018 by TheLittleBigMan