Depression

[Buce]

11 hours ago, lmtiazLCFC4LIFE said:

Why was my comment deleted asking for prayers from the LCFC family because I was feeling majorly depressed, OCD, anxious and suicidal?! It's not a joke!!

 

11 hours ago, lmtiazLCFC4LIFE said:

Or is this forum only for the select few?! Discrimination?good advive is use

 

6 hours ago, lmtiazLCFC4LIFE said:

Just remember me in your prayers guys, appreciate it 

 

It does seem unfair to have your post removed if that's all you said, and I'm sorry to hear you're suffering, mate.

 

The thing is, many of us don't subscribe to a religious belief, so asking for our prayers isn't going to bring the help you require. We are pretty good at listening, though, and sympathy and good advice are usually forthcoming, so please feel welcome to discuss your problems further if you want to.

Edited 6 September 2018 by Buce

[what?]

Today is an interesting one for me. The X on my calendar marks one year lived without the aid of psychiatric medication. It should be an achievement but actually things are probably the worst they've been for a while. I was ok once I got over the initial withdrawal and adjusted to a new normal of experiencing everything with a rawness or clarity that had been chemically coshed for the previous six years. There were even some stressful periods that I made it through relatively unscathed, moving apartments and finding a new job. I got used to movies and music and football just randomly making me cry and I would even say I've grown to like it. For the most part it seems like I'm just experiencing everything a little bit more than others. Lately though a few larger stressful events (not to mention the threat of a no-deal Brexit) have combined and have been weighing heavy on me. Rapid cycling depressive episodes have become a regularity, not just the tears but proper full blown catatonic nothingness. I usually come out of them after about 5 hours but it's been tough and I can't really see a road ahead where things are going to get better, at least not on their own anytime soon. So I'm going back to therapy. Not sure how yet and I'm dreading finding one but I've made the decision. Thing is, I know it's not but I can't help but feel it's a defeat.

[egg_fried_rice]

3 minutes ago, what? said:

Today is an interesting one for me. The X on my calendar marks one year lived without the aid of psychiatric medication. It should be an achievement but actually things are probably the worst they've been for a while. I was ok once I got over the initial withdrawal and adjusted to a new normal of experiencing everything with a rawness or clarity that had been chemically coshed for the previous six years. There were even some stressful periods that I made it through relatively unscathed, moving apartments and finding a new job. I got used to movies and music and football just randomly making me cry and I would even say I've grown to like it. For the most part it seems like I'm just experiencing everything a little bit more than others. Lately though a few larger stressful events (not to mention the threat of a no-deal Brexit) have combined and have been weighing heavy on me. Rapid cycling depressive episodes have become a regularity, not just the tears but proper full blown catatonic nothingness. I usually come out of them after about 5 hours but it's been tough and I can't really see a road ahead where things are going to get better, at least not on their own anytime soon. So I'm going back to therapy. Not sure how yet and I'm dreading finding one but I've made the decision. Thing is, I know it's not but I can't help but feel it's a defeat.

Sorry to hear you've been suffering recently. I feel for you, and can empathise to some degree with what you're going through.

 

Adjusting to a major change like coming off meds takes grit, determination, and time so you're right to say it's not a defeat. Progress is not linear, and life will always have its ups and downs.

 

You've made a decision that's positive for your mental health in seeking therapy - that shows that even though you may feel like you can't see the wood for the trees right now, you're still able to perform small acts of self care that will really help you in the long run. If you can do your best in eating right, exercising, and talking about how you feel, you're on the right path and it seems like deep down you know that.

 

I hope you're able to get back to a more even keel soon, and it sounds like you're making the right moves to do so. Good luck pal.

[what?]

6 minutes ago, egg_fried_rice said:

Sorry to hear you've been suffering recently. I feel for you, and can empathise to some degree with what you're going through.

 

Adjusting to a major change like coming off meds takes grit, determination, and time so you're right to say it's not a defeat. Progress is not linear, and life will always have its ups and downs.

 

You've made a decision that's positive for your mental health in seeking therapy - that shows that even though you may feel like you can't see the wood for the trees right now, you're still able to perform small acts of self care that will really help you in the long run. If you can do your best in eating right, exercising, and talking about how you feel, you're on the right path and it seems like deep down you know that.

 

I hope you're able to get back to a more even keel soon, and it sounds like you're making the right moves to do so. Good luck pal.

Thanks a lot. Yeah I guess I know deep down it's the right thing. Just still a lot of anxiety about going back into treatment although there's at least a part of me that looks forward to it. It will be something of a new experience I think. Last time I was started therapy I was basically a shell of a person but since it helped me my life has totally transformed. I moved to another country, I got engaged, I've almost finished a psychology degree and I am way more informed about mental health than I ever was before. Part of that is being a lot more critical though so I'm a little worried that finding the right therapist might take a while and that's just longer to keep hanging on feeling like I do now. But life is long and I guess this sort of thing just trains patience into you after a certain point.

[DANGEROUS TIGER]

33 minutes ago, what? said:

Thanks a lot. Yeah I guess I know deep down it's the right thing. Just still a lot of anxiety about going back into treatment although there's at least a part of me that looks forward to it. It will be something of a new experience I think. Last time I was started therapy I was basically a shell of a person but since it helped me my life has totally transformed. I moved to another country, I got engaged, I've almost finished a psychology degree and I am way more informed about mental health than I ever was before. Part of that is being a lot more critical though so I'm a little worried that finding the right therapist might take a while and that's just longer to keep hanging on feeling like I do now. But life is long and I guess this sort of thing just trains patience into you after a certain point.

So many people don't really understand the workings of depression. One has to experience all the complicated emotions involved, and also it's affects on ones family and friends. The brain is just so irrational when depression sets in, it's difficult to know how to cope;You are not alone I know this from experience. PM me if you wish to discuss.

[HighPeakFox]

@what?, accepting 'defeat' as such is a big step forward, believe it or not. When I was in group therapy, one member had great difficulty in accepting that she couldn't 'win' all situations, and once she did, we saw a big improvement in her happiness and growth.

 

If you need more, then you need more my friend. Go well.

[gw_leics772]

I have now attended my first 1 of 7 weekly classroom courses for "stress control" as arranged by wellbeing, the counselling service on self referral from go.

 

The first one was the one that appeared to be the least relevant to me and is on low self esteem, however it was a revelation and I am currently working through various CBT techniques.

 

The biggest eye opener was trying to train your brain to accept that being a perfectionist is very bad for your mental health.

 

I have 2 multi page print outs that I am happy to scan and email to anyone if they think it would be worthwhile, unless I can send by private message on here or even embed into a post. Message me if you want a copy or any techie advice on being able to leave it on here for people to access without even having to ask would also be useful.

 

Chin up lads and lasses. It can be "fixed" or at least we can learn how to deal with it better. It does require bloody hard work though in the self analysis (but I guess we are all used to that anyway, but in the negative. It's nice to try it positively for once)

 

Ps. This will also go on my positives diary to remind myself that I am a decent bloke, being helpful and looking out for others, to reinforce the positives and allow me to look back and concentrate on them rather than the negative.

Edited 7 September 2018 by gw_leics772
Fat fingered **** face

[DANGEROUS TIGER]

6 hours ago, gw_leics772 said:

I have now attended my first 1 of 7 weekly classroom courses for "stress control" as arranged by wellbeing, the counselling service on self referral from go.

 

The first one was the one that appeared to be the least relevant to me and is on low self esteem, however it was a revelation and I am currently working through various CBT techniques.

 

The biggest eye opener was trying to train your brain to accept that being a perfectionist is very bad for your mental health.

 

I have 2 multi page print outs that I am happy to scan and email to anyone if they think it would be worthwhile, unless I can send by private message on here or even embed into a post. Message me if you want a copy or any techie advice on being able to leave it on here for people to access without even having to ask would also be useful.

 

Chin up lads and lasses. It can be "fixed" or at least we can learn how to deal with it better. It does require bloody hard work though in the self analysis (but I guess we are all used to that anyway, but in the negative. It's nice to try it positively for once)

 

Ps. This will also go on my positives diary to remind myself that I am a decent bloke, being helpful and looking out for others, to reinforce the positives and allow me to look back and concentrate on them rather than the negative.

Excellent! Keep working at it.

[Kopfkino]

Moved to a different GP practice (actually the one closest to me) and they have a GP with interest in psychiatric disorders so I'm hoping he better understands where I'm coming from on anxiety, particularly health anxiety. Appointment on Wednesday. 

 

However, Wednesday feels so painfully far away. I've been anxious on and off as long as I can remember and always particularly health anxiety. As a kid I used to refuse to sleep because I believed I'd never wake up and there's been too many times I've convinced myself there's something seriously wrong with me. Had been doing better with it for a long time but the last couple of weeks have been terrible. I think being anxious about other things has brought it on and right now it's all beginning to feel all too much. In the last week I've convinced myself I have a heart issue, an aneurysm on the brain, skin cancer, mad cow disease, and the other day I even managed to convince myself my stomach was leaking. And as I sit here realising how daft it is, I'm getting in a panic in case it's not daft and I'm now tempting fate. On health anxiety I think actually CBT with a focus on health anxiety might be useful. The more I think about it, last time I did CBT the therapist and me just didn't click right so that might help explain why I struggled with it, but also on other things it just doesn't seem appropriate. Even on health, there's a probably a deeper reason - there's so much from growing up that I haven't dealt fully.

 

I came home to see the parents for a while, hoping a change of scenery and being out of the city in the country would help as it removes some environmental factors. It always helps to be able to take the dog on long country walks and well just having a dog around helps actually. But no this week has been the most anxious I can ever remember myself, I genuinely didn't realise how crippling and debilitating it can be. Okay panicking on the tube has been inconvenient but taking myself away from it normally solves it. Right now, I am near perpetually on edge and if I haven't gone into panic mode by lunchtime the day is a success. All I want to do is sleep a) because I don't feel anxious when I'm asleep and b)It's so tiring being on edge all the time, I'm zonked by the afternoon and really shattered such that I just want to go to sleep. But of course I can't switch off enough to sleep until I have nothing left in the tank - thankfully that's no later than midnight so I am at least sleeping. 

 

I've been trying to fill my time doing the things I enjoy but it's not having a great effect. Went Leicester races on Tuesday, spent most of it feeling like I wasn't really there, like nothing around me existed/I didn't exist in those surroundings. It was so difficult to focus on anything. Then yesterday I was keen to get out with my parents and the dog as I'd woken up and had a short panic attack straight away (I'd been lying funny so had an achy muscle, cue thoughts I was having a heart attack), but they didn't fancy a proper country walk. So we ended up going to Watermead ( I didn't want to). Well I refused to let the dog off the lead having remembered the stories about the toxic algae. Mum wouldn't accept this and so this ended up in a heated discussion but I just couldn't bring myself to do it and well yesterday ended up being terrible. 

 

It's nice to just write these things down. I haven't told anyone that I'm really struggling at the moment, although my parents must have worked something out by now the amount I take myself off to be on my own so I don't show it to them. Hopefully Wednesday will calm me down a bit but it feels like such a long time until then, every day at the moment feels like three, it's exhausting. It's a good job that these periods make me too anxious to put any kind of drug in my system otherwise I'd be a Xanax addict. 

 

At least there's a good afternoon of racing today. 

Edited 8 September 2018 by Kopfkino

[spacemunky]

3 hours ago, Kopfkino said:

In the last week I've convinced myself I have a heart issue, an aneurysm on the brain, skin cancer, mad cow disease, and the other day I even managed to convince myself my stomach was leaking. And as I sit here realising how daft it is.

I certainly can relate to that. I've woken many times thinking i was having a heart attack. Worn a heart monitor to work. Had every part of me examined because I was sure I had cancer. Never bothered committing to much since I felt I wouldn't be around that long.

 

I went into counselling and told her about it. She said "All that and guess what? You're still here!". 

 

I've improved on the depression side but the anxiety is still my nemesis. At least now I feel it's a fair fight!

 

Good luck on Wednesday.

 

 

[Kopfkino]

2 hours ago, spacemunky said:

I certainly can relate to that. I've woken many times thinking i was having a heart attack. Worn a heart monitor to work. Had every part of me examined because I was sure I had cancer. Never bothered committing to much since I felt I wouldn't be around that long.

 

I went into counselling and told her about it. She said "All that and guess what? You're still here!". 

 

I've improved on the depression side but the anxiety is still my nemesis. At least now I feel it's a fair fight!

 

Good luck on Wednesday.

 

 

 

It's absolutely horrible. I just hope I feel a little reassured and calm on Wednesday because this can't carry on, it's a vicious cycle where the anxiety causes chest pains so panic more as I'm sure you know etc. Every day feels so long that Wednesday isnt going to come

[Izzy]

6 hours ago, Kopfkino said:

Even on health, there's a probably a deeper reason - there's so much from growing up that I haven't dealt fully.

 

Sorry to hear you're struggling mate.

 

It sounds like you've got a lot going on in your head right now and it's full of thoughts that aren't serving you well at the moment.

 

Of all the stuff you've posted, the line I've quoted above stood out like a sore thumb to me. I would hazard a guess that until you face into this and deal with it fully, you'll never properly be at ease or have the peace of mind you deserve. It might be painful and take a while to unpack, but you'll be liberated and free once you do.

 

All the best for Wednesday and keep us posted 

 

[urban.spaceman]

I was so profoundly unwell last week. 

 

I was struggling with my weight, struggling with my alcohol intake (3/4 of a bottle of whiskey 2 nights in a row), my anxiety was sky high while I was desperately struggling to hold back my most depressive thoughts; it was like when you're hungover as **** and you're holding sick down in your stomach so bad that you just know it's inevitable that you're gonna throw up. I was on the verge of tears every second with no discernible reason why, and desperate for some way out.

 

Today though I've just spent today and yesterday clearing my front garden, while listening to Radio Leicester. I called in to one of their competitions and won a couple of a free tickets to tonights game - my first ever England game, at the home of football, with 3 Leicester City players in the squad and a debut for one of our own. To make things better, at weigh in I found out I lost 7.5lbs! So people can moan about the quality of the football on show but tonight was never about that for me. I really, really needed a 'win', something to make me feel better if only for a few hours. I can now sit in my garden looking at my work with a decent beer knowing that I really ****ing earned it.

 

I suppose my message is for those also struggling - today might be bad, but tomorrow might be 100x better. Don't give up.

 

I hope everyone can find just a modicum of positivity to help you through the day.

 

Peace x

Edited 11 September 2018 by urban.spaceman

[Kopfkino]

On 08/09/2018 at 19:52, Izzy Muzzett said:

Sorry to hear you're struggling mate.

 

It sounds like you've got a lot going on in your head right now and it's full of thoughts that aren't serving you well at the moment.

 

Of all the stuff you've posted, the line I've quoted above stood out like a sore thumb to me. I would hazard a guess that until you face into this and deal with it fully, you'll never properly be at ease or have the peace of mind you deserve. It might be painful and take a while to unpack, but you'll be liberated and free once you do.

 

All the best for Wednesday and keep us posted 

 

 

Saturday night was horrible but once I calmed down I rang the automatic booking system to see if I could get in any earlier and fortunately for my sanity I got an appointment at midday yesterday instead. The Doctor was fantastic tbh, sat and spoke with me for 25 minutes which went into his break. It felt like he actually listened and really wanted to do what he could to help. He was keen for me to try Sertraline but I am adamant I will not have SSRIs, and Sertraline was the worst for me when I took it before. Maybe they can help with anxiety but I hated them before, the side effects were frustrating, the withdrawal not terrible but not idea, and little evidence they actually work and maybe I hate them even more now because I associate them with a really bad time. Also don't want to give myself no chance of passing this possible medical. He pointed me towards a different counselling service (there seems to be a lot of choice around here) so I now have two self-referrals and will see what happens with them, probably choose whichever is quickest. He also gave me the beta-blocker Propranolol to help some of the physical symptoms but as I said before, and I said to him, when I feel this anxious, taking stuff is not easy, even basic stuff like Paracetamol. I've looked at them, I've taken one out its blister but I still can't bring myself to take it. He really tried to convince me to take them and when I walked out I thought I would but now I'm panicking about what they might do to me. I know it's daft but even so I just can't put it in my mouth. Seeing him calmed me down, afterwards yesterday was great as was this morning, though this evening hasn't been plain sailing. At least I'm not quite thinking I'm about to die 24/7 now. I'm supposed to see him again next Friday but I thought it was nice of him to tell me he was there every day and I should be able to see him any day if I wanted to. 

 

This has been slowly developing since early May (thought it was just stress from exams) but the last two/three weeks has been massively downhill so quickly and I've no idea where it's come from. Being on edge all the time really isn't fun at all. It feels like it's going to be a long hard slog to shake it off again but we'll get there.

Edited 11 September 2018 by Kopfkino

[Wymsey]

22 hours ago, urban.spaceman said:

I was so profoundly unwell last week. 

 

I was struggling with my weight, struggling with my alcohol intake (3/4 of a bottle of whiskey 2 nights in a row), my anxiety was sky high while I was desperately struggling to hold back my most depressive thoughts; it was like when you're hungover as **** and you're holding sick down in your stomach so bad that you just know it's inevitable that you're gonna throw up. I was on the verge of tears every second with no discernible reason why, and desperate for some way out.

 

Today though I've just spent today and yesterday clearing my front garden, while listening to Radio Leicester. I called in to one of their competitions and won a couple of a free tickets to tonights game - my first ever England game, at the home of football, with 3 Leicester City players in the squad and a debut for one of our own. To make things better, at weigh in I found out I lost 7.5lbs! So people can moan about the quality of the football on show but tonight was never about that for me. I really, really needed a 'win', something to make me feel better if only for a few hours. I can now sit in my garden looking at my work with a decent beer knowing that I really ****ing earned it.

 

I suppose my message is for those also struggling - today might be bad, but tomorrow might be 100x better. Don't give up.

 

I hope everyone can find just a modicum of positivity to help you through the day.

 

Peace x

Perhaps laughing regularly may help, as it can make you feel good..

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-africa-45486455/ethiopia-s-world-laughter-master-belachew-girma

[brucey]

On 12/09/2018 at 00:04, Kopfkino said:

He also gave me the beta-blocker Propranolol to help some of the physical symptoms but as I said before, and I said to him, when I feel this anxious, taking stuff is not easy, even basic stuff like Paracetamol. I've looked at them, I've taken one out its blister but I still can't bring myself to take it. 

Propranolol is absolute magic. I really hate taking pills, but it's one of the few that I will take (antibiotics and motion sickness pills being the others). The physical symptoms lessening helps immensely with the mental symptoms too.

[Guest Harrydc]

Does anybody else feel like anything they do or touch is wrong? I'm starting to feel like i have a curse , which makes things around me go wrong, making me feel like at the moment i just want to lock myself away so that i can't cause anymore damage. 

[Izzy]

6 hours ago, Harrydc said:

Does anybody else feel like anything they do or touch is wrong? I'm starting to feel like i have a curse , which makes things around me go wrong, making me feel like at the moment i just want to lock myself away so that i can't cause anymore damage. 

I reckon that deep down you probably don't really believe that you're cursed Harry. 

 

You might be having a run of bad luck but that happens to all of us at some stage. There's a saying that "What we focus on is what we get" so if your brain is focused on things going wrong, then you're more likely to notice and attract them. 

 

I could say that I'm currently going through a run of bad luck atm with things breaking down at home and work drying up. We have a habit of generalising when things go against us and we start to think that everything's going wrong, but of course it isn't really. 

 

I could choose to let this wind me up, but instead I just believe it will eventually pass - which it will. It's just a phase and I know it won't last forever. I'm sure you've had good luck and a decent run in the past where the chips have fallen kindly for you. This time will come again and you have to keep the faith.

 

I could let things get to me and I could get stressed about it, but what's the point? Instead I just try and laugh in the face of life and take it as a challenge and a current problem that needs to be solved. 

 

Don't lock lock yourself away whatever you do. Come out fighting instead and meet it head on.

 

Remember, you're not really causing any damage, you just think you are.

[Wymsey]

A decent read, this.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/45527016

The club should've never stated why he didn't play for that exact reason.

[gw_leics772]

I am having a particularly difficult.time at the moment and probably never had so much big shit to deal with it.

 

I am however pleased to say that I feel I am handling it really well ended the circumstances and actually feel like I am on an artificial high at the moment.

 

This has a lot to do with stress control classroom workshop I am partway through, via "let's talk, wellbeing" a self referral counselling service.

 

There is something even more simple that I think is potentially having an even bigger impact. The Android app "colour by numbers". So therapeutic.

 

It works because it is fun, and requires just enough concentration so that you simply cannot spend time thinking about anything else.

 

Give it a try people. It's working for me.

[Raj]

After I ran my 10km on Sunday I had the most incredible high.

At night and the next 2 days came the most powerful and near destructive low. It was SO painful mentally. However I take solace and positivity from it that I came out of it the other end and hopefully it makes me stronger for the next round.

All I see this is as a boxing bout. Round by round...as long as I win on points I'm happy

[gw_leics772]

[spacemunky]

1 hour ago, gw_leics772 said:

I count four 

[Tielemans63]

7 hours ago, gw_leics772 said:

That is scarily accurate. I even look like the guy in the last picture

 

Seriously though. That's pretty much how I live my life and I really wish that wasn't the case. I think I must have spent the last 10 years trying not to give in to depression but it's getting harder.  

 

First time I've posted in this thread (I think) but I read it all the time and I find people's candour weirdly reassuring even if it's really sad to hear what others are going through. Thanks all for sharing. It's good to know I'm not somehow deficient because I find life quite difficult a lot of the time.

[Izzy]

1 hour ago, Paddy. said:

That is scarily accurate. I even look like the guy in the last picture

 

Seriously though. That's pretty much how I live my life and I really wish that wasn't the case. I think I must have spent the last 10 years trying not to give in to depression but it's getting harder.  

 

First time I've posted in this thread (I think) but I read it all the time and I find people's candour weirdly reassuring even if it's really sad to hear what others are going through. Thanks all for sharing. It's good to know I'm not somehow deficient because I find life quite difficult a lot of the time.

Bloody hell Paddy, I am surprised. You’re probably the last poster on FT that I’d think was struggling.

 

You always seem so chipper on here and your posts really make me laugh - you’ve got a great SOH mate.

 

Just goes to show we’ve really got no idea who’s suffering and it’s such an invisible illness. 

It’s great that you’ve shared though because it makes it easier for others to also do so and to know that we’re all in it together.

 

Your Insights will be so welcome on this thread mate and it’s probably the only one on FT where people are totally honest and themselves  (apart from the gambling one which is also superb btw)

 

Sorry that you are also that man in the picture but you’re amongst many others on here who are exactly the same. 

 

You’re a smart bloke and you know help us out there. The best thing I ever did btw was eventually ‘give in’ to depression and seek help. That’s when the recovery process to getting better started.

 

Take care bro.