The joke thread

[Carl the Llama]

*you're

[DJ Barry Hammond]

3 minutes ago, Carl the Llama said:

*you're

 

This works well as the top item on a seperate page with no quote.

[Carl the Llama]

Just now, DJ Barry Hammond said:

 

This works well as the top item on a seperate page with no quote.

I thought about editing the quote in when it started a new page but I like the simplicity.

[Izzy]

I was sitting next to this Australian fella on the train today and he looked thoroughly miserable.

 

"What's up mate?" I inquired.

 

"I've just found out I have a half sister" he replied.

 

"Different fathers?" I asked

 

"No" he said, "A shark attack"

[Milo]

14 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I was sitting next to this Australian fella on the train today and he looked thoroughly miserable.

 

"What's up mate?" I inquired.

 

"I've just found out I have a half sister" he replied.

 

"Different fathers?" I asked

 

"No" he said, "A shark attack"

My local aquarium has had its prize attraction repossessed.

 

 

 

Turns out it was a loan shark. 

[TiffToff88]

These are on the level of 99% of the jokes/puns in this thread:

 

 

[StanSP]

7 hours ago, TiffToff88 said:

These are on the level of 99% of the jokes/puns in this thread:

 

 

@Izzy Muzzett wrote that I think.

[Trav Le Bleu]

8 hours ago, TiffToff88 said:

These are on the level of 99% of the jokes/puns in this thread:

 

 

Several of those jokes aren't even puns.

[Nick]

On 21/07/2018 at 23:03, Izzy Muzzett said:

I was at Tesco's today doing a big shop and my trolley was stacked to the top. The whole place was heaving as I started to place all my stuff on the conveyor belt.

 

This little old lady was behind me in the queue and smiled sweetly at me holding just a pint of milk.

 

"Is that all you've got love?" I asked her.

 

"Yes my dear" she replied.

 

"Well you'd better find another till then" I said, "I'm gonna be fvcking ages here"

The Jack Dee sketch, he picks up the baton that says ‘next customer’ and says, “see this? This is you. And I’d like you to stand (throws baton back into the supermarket aisles) over there!”

[Tinman]

Another utterly crap birthday party at my brother's house yesterday.
I know he's a Bomb Disposal Technician, but does it really take 4 hours to open each present?

[Buce]

3 hours ago, StanSP said:

@Izzy Muzzett wrote that I think.

 

Impossible.

 

Some of them are funny...

[Izzy]

4 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Impossible.

 

Some of them are funny...

[StanSP]

 

[Aus Fox]

I’ve just started a new business making glass coffins, will it be a success?

remains to be seen

[fuchsntf]

The big swim is getting the headlines...so..

 

A diver was shipwrecked up onto a lonely and tropical shore. As he stood up he noticed his hands were purple, he looked at his feet and they were purple, worriedly he unzipped his wetsuit and his chest and stomach were purple. With his head in his hands he cried, "Oh my God! I’ve been marooned!"

 

One for the kids..

[Buce]

6 minutes ago, fuchsntf said:

The big swim is getting the headlines...so..

 

A diver was shipwrecked up onto a lonely and tropical shore. As he stood up he noticed his hands were purple, he looked at his feet and they were purple, worriedly he unzipped his wetsuit and his chest and stomach were purple. With his head in his hands he cried, "Oh my God! I’ve been marooned!"

 

One for the kids..

 

 

 

[fuchsntf]

6 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

 

 

Yup..but back in the day when we only Seen things in black n white...

Purple and maroon...had girls discussing the colour of their dresses...

[Wortho]

Sinead O'Connor will be singing at Barry Chuckle's funeral..........................................Nothing compares 2 me 2 you

[Milo]

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

 

 

Attire

[Filbert_Ross]

43 minutes ago, Milo said:

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

 

 

Attire

 

So bad I’ll probably use it 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

At a recent job interview:

"What's your name?"

"Dave ****ing Cunting Smith"

"Do you suffer from Tourette's Dave"

"No. But the Vicar at the Christening did."

[The Bear]

Izzy eat your heart out... 

 

 

 

 

My wife was always so angry at me for having no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

 

 

How does a duck fart?

Through his arsequack. 

 

 

My dog is named Minton.
Today he ate a shuttlecock.

Bad Minton.

 

 

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two...

 

 

My wife says she’s leaving me as she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.

What ****ing planet is she on?

 

 

I got a hand job from a blind girl yesterday. 

"You've got the biggest cock I've ever felt!" she said. 

"You're pulling my leg!" I replied.

 

 

Sat in the garden all day drinking
I've had 11 yogurts, I'm absolutely Mullered.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Imagine The Titanic with a lisp.

It's unthinkable.

[Aus Fox]

I have finished my latest invention, a car that travels faster than the speed of light. Talk it for a spin last night, turns out the headlights don’t work.

[Aus Fox]

I went into a record shop yesterday.

Asked the guy, what have you got by the doors

he replied “a rubbish bin anda fire extinguisher”