The joke thread

[MPH]

Chuffin Nora...I’d like to say this thread has gone downhill but that would imply  it was at the top of the hill at some stage...

[foxfanazer]

17 minutes ago, MPH said:

Chuffin Nora...I’d like to say this thread has gone downhill but that would imply  it was at the top of the hill at some stage...

To be fair the last 2 were deliberately bad. They're Bob mortimer (impersonating Peter Beardsley) jokes

[ozleicester]

14 hours ago, Izzy said:

Scientists have uncovered that trees have a new, modern way of communicating with each other.

It’s called What Sap..

just as an aside.. they apparently do comunicate with each other 

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/the-whispering-trees-180968084/#:~:text=Trees also communicate through the,pheromones and other scent signals.&text=Giraffes%2C you might say%2C know,as a sense of smell.

[Aus Fox]

20 hours ago, Izzy said:

Scientists have uncovered that trees have a new, modern way of communicating with each other.

It’s called What Sap..

I’ve heard they’re all using Facebark these days 

[Filbert_Ross]

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane. 
 

We're currently filming the pilot. 

[Gordon the Great]

10 hours ago, Aus Fox said:

I’ve heard they’re all using Facebark these days 

No mate, they are all on Twigger!

[Aus Fox]

11 minutes ago, Gordon the Great said:

No mate, they are all on Twigger!

As long as they avoid snap chat

[1972 Fox]

[1972 Fox]

[1972 Fox]

[Tinman]

Went to the clinic earlier and the woman behind the desk asked me to masturbate in the cup.

I told her I was good, but not quite ready to compete in a tournament yet.

[Facecloth]

I rang my mate Stan and his wife answered:

 

"I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday," I said. "You fly from Gatwick tomorrow, don't you?"

 

She said, "Stansted."

 

"Blimey," I said, "he seemed absolutely fine in the pub last night’

[ajthefox]

8 hours ago, Facecloth said:

I rang my mate Stan and his wife answered:

 

"I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday," I said. "You fly from Gatwick tomorrow, don't you?"

 

She said, "Stansted."

 

"Blimey," I said, "he seemed absolutely fine in the pub last night’

RIP @StanSP 

 

[StanSP]

8 hours ago, Facecloth said:

I rang my mate Stan and his wife answered:

 

"I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday," I said. "You fly from Gatwick tomorrow, don't you?"

 

She said, "Stansted."

 

"Blimey," I said, "he seemed absolutely fine in the pub last night’

 

20 minutes ago, ajthefox said:

RIP @StanSP 

 

Did I die of shingles? 

[Facecloth]

3 minutes ago, StanSP said:

 

Did I die of shingles? 

You had shingles? You should have said!

[Filbert_Ross]

I just won an award for the most secretive person in the office. 
 

 

I can't tell you how much this means to me.

[MPH]

can’t believe it! just took the cats medicine instead of mine by mistake!

 

Dont ask meow..

[stretch1965]

Vaccine stocks set to run out by April.... Pfizer Chiefs say they predict a riot....

[Izzy]

On 11/01/2021 at 02:47, MPH said:

Chuffin Nora...I’d like to say this thread has gone downhill but that would imply  it was at the top of the hill at some stage...

 

13 hours ago, MPH said:

can’t believe it! just took the cats medicine instead of mine by mistake!

 

Dont ask meow..

[MPH]

3 hours ago, Izzy said:

 

 

 

well, if you can’t beat them....

[Milo]

Kind of oldie updated for the ages...

 

 

1 month from now Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.  "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.  

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."  The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump. 

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.  Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."   

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

[Ian Nacho]

I told my 4 year old that it’s perfectly normal to shit your pants. It didn’t stop him laughing at me. 

[Ian Nacho]

I went to the doctor and asked if he had anything for excessive wind. He gave me a kite. 

[Wolfox]

An Irish priest and a Spanish priest are chatting.
The Spanish priest asks, "Do you have a word in Irish for mañana?"
The Irishman pauses for thought before replying , "Well, nothing that conveys the same sense of urgency."

[isaidno]