The joke thread

[Ecdysiast]

2 hours ago, Beliall said:

f anyone else has any more shit they want to toss out with 2020, nows the time apparantly

apparently.....

[Tinman]

Careful, there is a someone going around getting people to spell part backwards. It's a trap.

[Shambles]

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers in the air and says, “five beers please”.

[Aus Fox]

1 hour ago, Shambles said:

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers in the air and says, “five beers please”.

His friend crosses his fingers hoping he’ll order 10

[Carl the Llama]

56 minutes ago, Aus Fox said:

His friend crosses his fingers hoping he’ll order 10

Hold my beer

 

 

[Arkie Bennett]

33 minutes ago, Carl the Llama said:

Hold my beer

 

 

A binary counter orders 1023.

[Buce]

 

Pissed off with the neighbours this morning - they spent half the night banging on the wall and screaming.

 

Seriously, I could hardly hear myself drumming.

[Wolfox]

As this year drawers to a close as terrible as it’s been I invite you to pause and consider.


Ten years from now you’ll pull on an old jacket, slip your hand into the pocket and find an old face mask, you’ll smile, chuckle and think just how strange 2020 was. Then you’ll shrug, pick up your machete and head back out into the wasteland, keeping to the shadows avoiding gangs of marauding cannibals...

[dsr-burnley]

5 hours ago, Wolfox said:

As this year drawers to a close as terrible as it’s been I invite you to pause and consider.


Ten years from now you’ll pull on an old jacket, slip your hand into the pocket and find an old face mask, you’ll smile, chuckle and think just how strange 2020 was. Then you’ll shrug, pick up your machete and head back out into the wasteland, keeping to the shadows avoiding gangs of marauding cannibals...

As jokes go, it lacks a certain something ...  

[Buce]

 

My grandfather had the heart of a lion.

 

He also had a lifetime ban from London zoo.

[Carl the Llama]

11 hours ago, dsr-burnley said:

As jokes go, it lacks a certain something ...  

I think the joke is that the UK will have gotten over coronavirus sometime in the next 10 years.

[Parafox]

My dad used to work for the Highways Agency.

I was shocked to hear that he'd been arrested for theft from his workplace.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

[Ian Nacho]

A man and a little boy are walking through the woods one night. The boy turns to the man and says "Mister, I'm scared."

"You're scared?" replies the man. "I'm the one who's gonna have to walk all the way back to the car by myself."

[Ian Nacho]

My grandad always said “locking your keys in your car was a lot like ending a pregnancy. If the coat hanger doesn’t work try the crowbar”. 

[The Bear]

I thought that was gonna be "If the coat hanger doesn't work, try kicking it."

[Aus Fox]

21 hours ago, Ian Nacho said:

My grandad always said “locking your keys in your car was a lot like ending a pregnancy. If the coat hanger doesn’t work try the crowbar”. 

And neither would be a problem if you concentrated and didn’t let your mind wonder whilst you were inside.

[Trav Le Bleu]

My wife said the cat needed to be chipped.

 

I've only got a 9 iron, but I still got it over the shed.

[Trav Le Bleu]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walking into a pub.

 

Lucky gits!

[Ian Nacho]

Why do you call a fly with no wings?

 

A walk. 

[jonthefox]

I had to scrape ice off my car this morning , but couldn't find a scraper.

I used my sons student union card in the end . It worked ok and i managed to get 10% off. 

[Domsdad]

[Jimothy]

Just heard there’s a bloke down Leicester market, selling Oxford vaccinations for £2 each... or 3 for a Pfizer!

[Izzy]

Scientists have uncovered that trees have a new, modern way of communicating with each other.

It’s called What Sap..

[foxfanazer]

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band. I quite after a while though as it was just ting after another

 

 

 

 

[foxfanazer]

I decided to have a vasectomy as I didn't want kids but when I got back they were still there