The joke thread

[Countryfox]

7 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I’d be surprised if Xmas crackers have jokes inside them about school teachers having anal sex with kids tbh

And here was me thinking she’d given him a good spanking ...   ooo errrr ...

[adam1]

Saw this on a twitter feed about shite tv annuals they used to throw out.

 

Clearly the source of someones jokes on here....

[isaidno]

Priti Patel is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Priti, in her usual bullying manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.' The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. 'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Priti. Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face. 'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Priti. The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. ' 'What on earth did you say?' asks Priti. 'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: I'm Priti Patel's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

[Jimothy]

[Countryfox]

On 22/11/2020 at 11:41, Facecloth said:

Oh bolox I’ve just posted that on the funny pictures thread ..  not only the wrong thread but you’ve already posted it !!   Doh !! ..   what a doofus !!  

[Jimothy]

26 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

Oh bolox I’ve just posted that on the funny pictures thread ..  not only the wrong thread but you’ve already posted it !!   Doh !! ..   what a doofus !!  

I thought even though its technically a picture, its just a picture of a written joke, so stuck it in here 

Edited 23 November 2020 by Facecloth

[Buce]

 

Police in Liverpool have just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 automatic rifles, 50,000 rounds of ammunition, 400 grenades, 900 kg of heroin and 25 trafficked prostitutes in a warehouse behind the Public Library. Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said, "We are really shocked - we didn't even know we had a library..."

Edited 23 November 2020 by Buce

[Alf Bentley]

Thanks for the boost, @Facecloth.

 

I thought that I was 58 but have just realised that I'm only 45. 

[Mike Oxlong]

I know this might make me sound big headed, I can't get my ****ing jumper off.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Man I'm absolutely exhausted,  I've been road testing penny farthings all week..

My feet haven't touched the ground!!

[Webbo]

I went to the green grocers today and asked for a bag of potatoes.

 

He said "will you take King Edwards?"

 

I said "No, let him fetch his own".

[FoxesDeb]

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them:

"I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five people."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno.”

 

 

[winteriscoming]

To mark his passing VAR have reviewed the hand of god goal from the 86 World Cup and have awarded Man Utd a penalty. 

[Alf Bentley]

1 hour ago, FoxesDeb said:

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them:

"I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five people."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno.”

 

 

 

Yet I bet they had no problem when a Renault 17 drove up with 16 people in it, closely followed by a load of Spanish people partying in a Ford Fiesta, Tiger Woods in a Volkswagen Golf, Paul McCartney in a Beetle  and a Polo driven by a mint with a hole.  

 

[dsr-burnley]

2 hours ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

Yet I bet they had no problem when a Renault 17 drove up with 16 people in it, closely followed by a load of Spanish people partying in a Ford Fiesta, Tiger Woods in a Volkswagen Golf, Paul McCartney in a Beetle  and a Polo driven by a mint with a hole.  

 

The Fiat Cinquecento would have been interesting.  Did they count everybody, or just count the number on the front passenger seat and multiply by 4?

[Guest WarehamFox]

Not sure if I have written a new joke! Where do cows and sheep get their medicine?

The Farm-acy!  (Let us know if it's an old one)

[SouthStandUpperTier]

1 minute ago, WarehamFox said:

Not sure if I have written a new joke! Where do cows and sheep get their medicine?

The Farm-acy!  (Let us know if it's an old one)

[Guest WarehamFox]

38 minutes ago, SouthStandUpperTier said:

What does that mean? Is it good,bad or really old? 

[Trav Le Bleu]

1 hour ago, WarehamFox said:

What does that mean? Is it good,bad or really old? 

[Flamey]

12 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

 

[The Bear]

Applied for a job at the Citroen Museum today.....had to send in 2 CV's

 

 

[Parafox]

4 minutes ago, The Bear said:

Applied for a job at the Citroen Museum today.....had to send in 2 CV's

 

 

I imagine the CVs were easily broken down and the cracks exposed a lot of weaknesses in the construction and would soon be out of date.

[The Bear]

16 minutes ago, Parafox said:

I imagine the CVs were easily broken down and the cracks exposed a lot of weaknesses in the construction and would soon be out of date.

 

[Benguin]

Got called to a disciplinary hearing at work today for spending too much company time on fantasy premier league. In my defence, I’ve got Fofana, Chilwell and Evans. 

[Webbo]

I've just got a job as a waiter.

 

It's not great, but it puts food on the table.