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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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isaidno

isaidno

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Priti Patel is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Priti, in her usual bullying manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.' The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. 'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Priti. Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face. 'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Priti. The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. ' 'What on earth did you say?' asks Priti. 'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: I'm Priti Patel's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

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Facecloth

Facecloth

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26 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

Oh bolox I’ve just posted that on the funny pictures thread ..  not only the wrong thread but you’ve already posted it !!   Doh !! ..   what a doofus !!  

I thought even though its technically a picture, its just a picture of a written joke, so stuck it in here lol

Edited by Facecloth
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Buce

Buce

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Police in Liverpool have just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 automatic rifles, 50,000 rounds of ammunition, 400 grenades, 900 kg of heroin and 25 trafficked prostitutes in a warehouse behind the Public Library. Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said, "We are really shocked - we didn't even know we had a library..."

Edited by Buce
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FoxesDeb

FoxesDeb

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Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them:

"I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five people."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno.”

 

 
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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

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1 hour ago, FoxesDeb said:

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them:

"I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five people."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno.”

 

 

 

Yet I bet they had no problem when a Renault 17 drove up with 16 people in it, closely followed by a load of Spanish people partying in a Ford Fiesta, Tiger Woods in a Volkswagen Golf, Paul McCartney in a Beetle  and a Polo driven by a mint with a hole.  

 

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dsr-burnley

dsr-burnley

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2 hours ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

Yet I bet they had no problem when a Renault 17 drove up with 16 people in it, closely followed by a load of Spanish people partying in a Ford Fiesta, Tiger Woods in a Volkswagen Golf, Paul McCartney in a Beetle  and a Polo driven by a mint with a hole.  

 

The Fiat Cinquecento would have been interesting.  Did they count everybody, or just count the number on the front passenger seat and multiply by 4?

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Parafox

Parafox

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4 minutes ago, The Bear said:
Applied for a job at the Citroen Museum today.....had to send in 2 CV's
 
 

I imagine the CVs were easily broken down and the cracks exposed a lot of weaknesses in the construction and would soon be out of date.

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