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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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TiffToff88

TiffToff88

Posted
Posted
19 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I was explaining to my dyslexic friend how there's a shorter way to say deoxyribonucleic acid.

 

He obviously wasn't impressed, cos he just replied, "and?"

 

That reminds me of my dyslexic friend. He works in IT. he waited hours for a USB, then 3 came along at once

  • Haha 3
dsr-burnley

dsr-burnley

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I was explaining to my dyslexic friend how there's a shorter way to say deoxyribonucleic acid.

 

He obviously wasn't impressed, cos he just replied, "and?"

I think it's poor taste, making jokes about DNA when that is the actual acronym for National Dyslexic Association.

 

Incidentally, the cruelties of language.

 

Why is dyslexia so hard to spell?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is there an S in lisp?

Why does stutter start with ST?

 

I'm sure there's more.

  • Like 3
  • Haha 1
Mike Oxlong

Mike Oxlong

Posted
Posted
20 minutes ago, dsr-burnley said:

I think it's poor taste, making jokes about DNA when that is the actual acronym for National Dyslexic Association.

 

Incidentally, the cruelties of language.

 

Why is dyslexia so hard to spell?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is there an S in lisp?

Why does stutter start with ST?

 

I'm sure there's more.

Why was Jonathan Ross chosen to present the British TV and Films Award in the category for last years top ranking male actor ?

  • Haha 1
Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, dsr-burnley said:

I think it's poor taste, making jokes about DNA when that is the actual acronym for National Dyslexic Association.

 

Incidentally, the cruelties of language.

 

Why is dyslexia so hard to spell?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is there an S in lisp?

Why does stutter start with ST?

 

I'm sure there's more.

I have a lisp and that's often annoyed me. Especially when the alternative name is speech impediment. Stop it with the S's!

Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Facecloth said:

I have a lisp and that's often annoyed me. Especially when the alternative name is speech impediment. Stop it with the S's!

 

cant-thtop-wont-thtop.jpg

  • Haha 1
Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

cant-thtop-wont-thtop.jpg

Thankfully I don't have that lisp, which is a palatal lisp. I have a lateral lisp, which makes an S sound a bit mushy.

Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
7 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

Thankfully I don't have that lisp, which is a palatal lisp. I have a lateral lisp, which makes an S sound a bit mushy.

 

Ah, right.

 

Whatever you do, don't ask your cat to sit on your lap...

  • Haha 1
The Bear

The Bear

Posted
Posted
31 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

Thankfully I don't have that lisp, which is a palatal lisp. I have a lateral lisp, which makes an S sound a bit mushy.

You are Sean Connery and I claim my £5.

Mike Oxlong

Mike Oxlong

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, Facecloth said:

I have a lisp and that's often annoyed me. Especially when the alternative name is speech impediment. Stop it with the S's!

Can only think of you as Faithcloth now :ph34r:

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
  • Popular Post
isaidno

isaidno

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

I went shopping today in Asda and i was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.” Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.” At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.” Well, i was really impressed, so i went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.” “Thanks,” said the Granddad. “But I am William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”

  • Like 3
  • Haha 2
TiffToff88

TiffToff88

Posted
Posted
On 27/03/2021 at 00:11, dsr-burnley said:

I think it's poor taste, making jokes about DNA when that is the actual acronym for National Dyslexic Association.

 

Incidentally, the cruelties of language.

 

Why is dyslexia so hard to spell?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is there an S in lisp?

Why does stutter start with ST?

 

I'm sure there's more.

The fear of long words:

 

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
On 27/03/2021 at 00:11, dsr-burnley said:

I think it's poor taste, making jokes about DNA when that is the actual acronym for National Dyslexic Association.

 

Incidentally, the cruelties of language.

 

Why is dyslexia so hard to spell?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is there an S in lisp?

Why does stutter start with ST?

 

I'm sure there's more.

 

WWW.

 

An acronym with more syllables than the words it replaces

  • Like 1
String fellow

String fellow

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 30/03/2021 at 10:23, TiffToff88 said:

The fear of long words:

 

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

This long word reminded of a hippo joke I had in a cracker at Christmas. Here it is, with a few more similar ones thrown in.

What d'you call a cross between.... 

...a big African aquatic mammal and a large boat?  A shippopotamus.

...a percussionist and a camel with one hump?  A drumedary.
...a monk and a fast-running dog?  A prayhound.
...a flightless Antarctic bird and a writing implement?  A fountain penguin.
...a blood-sucking flying mammal and a nasty little boy?  A vampire brat.
...a wise bird and a car horn?  A toot owl.
...a slimy amphibian with a prickly mammal?  A hedgefrog.

...a duck-billed monotreme and an approaching vehicle?  A flattypus.
...a long-legged pink African bird and a bonfire?  A flame-ingo.
...a side-ways walking crustacean and a furry animal with big ears.  A crabbit.
I could go on....

Edited by String fellow
  • Haha 1
String fellow

String fellow

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, TiffToff88 said:

 

Please don't

Okay, I'll just throw in one more then leave it.

What d'you call a cross between a sea creature with 8 tentacles and a timepiece?  A cloctopus.

Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
On 30/03/2021 at 10:34, Buce said:

 

WWW.

 

An acronym with more syllables than the words it replaces

I've been wrestling with that fact for a while.

Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, String fellow said:

Okay, I'll just throw in one more then leave it.

What d'you call a cross between a sea creature with 8 tentacles and a timepiece?  A cloctopus.

You're missing the all important K. That's why it fails. Otherwise I'd be splitting my sides :P

Benguin

Benguin

Posted
Posted

My wife left me because of my anti vaccine stance and has blocked me from seeing the kids.
 

Fortunately I’m a seasoned cross dresser and have blagged my way into getting a nanny job with her. I used a fake name: Mrs Doubtpfizer 

  • Haha 1
Free Falling Foxes

Free Falling Foxes

Posted
Posted
On 02/04/2021 at 10:06, String fellow said:

This long word reminded of a hippo joke I had in a cracker at Christmas. Here it is, with a few more similar ones thrown in.

What d'you call a cross between.... 

...a big African aquatic mammal and a large boat?  A shippopotamus.

...a percussionist and a camel with one hump?  A drumedary.
...a monk and a fast-running dog?  A prayhound.
...a flightless Antarctic bird and a writing implement?  A fountain penguin.
...a blood-sucking flying mammal and a nasty little boy?  A vampire brat.
...a wise bird and a car horn?  A toot owl.
...a slimy amphibian with a prickly mammal?  A hedgefrog.

...a duck-billed monotreme and an approaching vehicle?  A flattypus.
...a long-legged pink African bird and a bonfire?  A flame-ingo.
...a side-ways walking crustacean and a furry animal with big ears.  A crabbit.
I could go on....

Reminded me of when we bought one of our children a book,' 1001 jokes' one Christmas.

He kept reading them out one after another all Christmas morning. It had mysteriously disappeared by Christmas afternoon. :whistle:

  • Haha 1
Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

 

It's all about raisin awareness.

  • Like 2
Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Facecloth said:

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

 

It's all about raisin awareness.

 

Yes, it's important to keep up with currant affairs.

  • Like 2

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