The joke thread

[Izzy]

I went to B&Q today to buy one of those LED low energy light bulbs.

 

The assistant said "Will you be putting this up yourself sir?"

 

I said "No, it's going in the lounge!"

[Beliall]

4 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I went to B&Q today to buy one of those LED low energy light bulbs.

 

The assistant said "Will you be putting this up yourself sir?"

 

I said "No, it's going in the lounge!"

An oldie but a goodie.

[fuchsntf]

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I went to B&Q today to buy one of those LED low energy light bulbs.

 

The assistant said "Will you be putting this up yourself sir?"

 

I said "No, it's going in the lounge!"

Hairs on the dickey-di-do, and a fairy light to .. show the way...

[The Bear]

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me!!

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

[Izzy]

*BREAKING NEWS*

 

Leicester City have approached Lenny Henry to be their next Manager.

 

It's the only chance they have of staying in the Premier...

[separator]

I've got a can of Newcastle Brown Ale stuck on my foot.

 

It's an ingrowing toon ale.

[Melbourne Fuchs]

How many apples grow on a tree?

 

 

 

 

All of them.

[The Bear]

Does that even qualify as a joke?

[Izzy]

The wife says to me..."darling, do I please you in bed?"

 

Me: "yes, especially that trick you do with your mouth"

 

Her: "what trick is that?" 

 

Me; "the one where you shut the fvck up and go to sleep"

[SouthStandUpperTier]

Roy Hodgson.

[Trav Le Bleu]

You might think that the Christmas build-up starts earlier and earlier each year, but pancake day is worse.

 

It was only two days ago, and already the shop shelves are full of eggs, flour and milk!

[foxfanazer]

Brummie walks into a tailors.
"Alroit, mate. I'd like a 70s suit, please."
The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?"
Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please."

[Trav Le Bleu]

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?

 

 'Ell if I know!

[Wolfox]

 

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after
35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather
to the same villages and towns...






When he arrived at the first house on his route,
he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged
and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a
cheque for £50.





At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.





The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky. 




At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full
English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato
with freshly squeezed orange juice.
As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee,
he noticed a one pound coin in the saucer.




'All this is just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?'




'Well,' said the blonde,'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what I should give you'. 
He said, 'F**k him.. Give him a quid.'





She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'
 

[Tielemans63]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

 

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

 

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

 

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

 

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

 

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

[jonthefox]

I've just got back from my Hokey kokey addiction meeting and I'm pleased to say I've turned myself around. And that's what its all about.

[Tuna]

After Quasimodo's death, the Archbishop of Paris at the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

 

The Archbishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin what he thought would be a long screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day and would offer prayers for more success the next day.

 

Just then, an armless man approached him and falling flat on his face announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

 

'But man you have no arms !'

 

 'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe my technique!'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the massive carillon. The Archbishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

 

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the final bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned Archbishop rushed down the two hundred and ninety fiven steps of the bell tower.  When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure.  They had been drawn to the Cathedral,  by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before from the melodious bells.

 

They silently parted to let the Archbishop through and one of them asked,

 

'Archbishop, who was this man ?'

 

 'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,

 ' But his face rings a bell.'

Edited 5 March 2017 by Tuna

[foxfanazer]

I had a row with my wife last night and she threw a bottle of fabric conditioner that only just missed my head. 

It must have been Lenor because it was a bit too close for Comfort

[foxfanazer]

Saw the world's largest egg earlier.

 

Thought to myself, that'll take some beating.

[Wolfox]

In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer: throw in your washing.
 

We were all having a good laugh about this, when this bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."

 

I said "Sorry mate, did he drown?"

 

"No," he said, "he choked on a sock."

[Sharpe's Fox]

George Bush goes to hell. Satan is already there waiting for him and says 'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll take their place. However, you can choose whose place you want to take. 'Oh, that sounds okay I guess' says Bush. Satan leads him to the first room and opens the door. In this room, there's a huge swimming pool. In it, Reagan is drowning. He goes down, then up, then down, then up, and he's gasping for air all the while. 'Oh, no,' says Bush. 'That's not for me, I'm a poor swimmer.' Satan opens the second door. The room is full of rocks and they see Nixon trying to break up the rocks with a wooden hammer. 'Nah, I have problems with my shoulders and my back, that'd be such a painful thing to do day after day.' So Satan opens the third door. In the room, they see Clinton lying on the floor, all tied up. Monica Lewinsky is lying on top of Clinton, giving him a blowjob. Bush stares at the scene with a wide smile and says: 'Ah, that I could endure!' 'Alright,' laughs Satan. 'Monica, you're free to go!'

[Izzy]

Me and some mates started a band called '999 Megabytes'.

 

We still haven't got a gig.....

[rmahrez]

2 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Me and some mates started a band called '999 Megabytes'.

 

We still haven't got a gig.....

Actually there are 1024 megabytes in a gigabyte, so you're a still a way off getting a gig.

 

 In the correct joke the band is called '1023 Megabytes'.

[ajthefox]

4 minutes ago, rmahrez said:

Actually there are 1024 megabytes in a gigabyte, so you're a still a way off getting a gig.

 

 In the correct joke the band is called '1023 Megabytes'.

Yeah, because that'll make it funnier...

[Beliall]

5 minutes ago, rmahrez said:

Actually there are 1024 megabytes in a gigabyte, so you're a still a way off getting a gig.

 

 In the correct joke the band is called '1023 Megabytes'.