The joke thread

[dsr-burnley]

5 hours ago, Tinman said:

My wife was bitten by a radioactive owl last week and now she's making all my decisions for me. She's been given power of a tawny.

Most wives have that power with or without radioactive owls. 

[Aus Fox]

18 hours ago, Tinman said:

My wife was bitten by a radioactive owl last week and now she's making all my decisions for me. She's been given power of a tawny.

I can’t believe you’ve gone talon everyone.

[Aus Fox]

Speaking of owls, a couple of police officers knocked on my door asking if I’d seen a couple of shady looking owls in a car last night.

Apparently there had been a drive by hooting in the area

[Trav Le Bleu]

Astrologists are worried that chocolate could have an affect on your bowel movements.

 

They're concerned about the influence of Mars on Uranus.

[Parafox]

On 16/07/2022 at 06:49, Trav Le Bleu said:

Astrologists are worried that chocolate could have an affect on your bowel movements.

 

They're concerned about the influence of Mars on Uranus.

[Wolfox]

A weasel walks in to a bar.

"Wow", says the barman. "I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop", goes the weasel.

[The Bear]

4 hours ago, Wolfox said:

A weasel walks in to a bar.

"Wow", says the barman. "I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop", goes the weasel.

 

[ScrumpyJack]

[Tinman]

I ordered some Adam Ant ice cream from Tesco..... Turned out to be just Standard Vanilla...

[Mister Singh]

Went to Tesco to pick up six cans of sprite but picked 7 up.

[Trav Le Bleu]

If my grandma knew how little we'd spent on her funeral, she'd be turning in the canal.

[Aus Fox]

Started a new job as a roofer today. Almost got the sack thought, when my boss did a surprise site inspection and caught me knocking one out on the roof.

Luckily he agreed to let me wipe the slate clean.

[Parafox]

9 hours ago, Aus Fox said:

Started a new job as a roofer today. Almost got the sack thought, when my boss did a surprise site inspection and caught me knocking one out on the roof.

Luckily he agreed to let me wipe the slate clean.

Oz humour?????

[Webbo]

My wife said I was stupid to try and make

a bike out of macaroni. 

 

You should have seen her face when I cycled pasta.

[Wolfox]

Why do Norwegian warships have a barcode on the side?

So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.

[Wycombe Fox]

On 30/07/2022 at 12:47, Webbo said:

My wife said I was stupid to try and make

a bike out of macaroni. 

 

You should have seen her face when I cycled pasta.

Tony Blackburn Show, Radio 2, 30th July @ approx 0750 

[Webbo]

11 minutes ago, Isle of Wight Fox said:

Tony Blackburn Show, Radio 2, 30th July @ approx 0750 

Maybe. 

[winteriscoming]

John Terry spotted pitch side at Wembley stadium today wearing full England kit and sports bra. 

[Jon the Hat]

On 29/07/2022 at 02:25, Parafox said:

Oz humour?????

Not much slate down here.  All Colourbond or Tile.

[Wortho]

A Forest supporter goes into a chemist and asks for a packet of condoms.

The chemist says "You don't need them, your daughter bought some earlier"

[Tinman]

Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos. Sometimes she just really needs a shoulder to crayon.

[Parafox]

8 hours ago, Tinman said:

Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos. Sometimes she just really needs a shoulder to crayon.

Now I get your Derby Rams avatar. You really have no sense of humour. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No offence btw.

[ozleicester]

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

[kristianity77]

Someone said earlier about a person that had pretty bad teeth " I bet they could bite into a curly wurly and they wouldn't touch any chocolate"

 

Laughed at that for way longer than I should have!

[Izzy]

My new dog Jack was barking in the middle of the night so I figured he might need the toilet.

 

I let him out into the back garden but it was so dark out there I couldn't see Jack shit.