Depression

[spacemunky]

9 hours ago, lee7 said:

Really struggling at the moment on how to help my girlfriend. I've mentioned before that she suffers quite severely with both anxiety and depression. Although I thought she had it under control this past week has been horrendous. 

She doesn't talk as much as she used to. Her confidence has completely gone. She's become quite blunt & straight to the point which is not in her nature at all. 

 

Shes over worrying over the tiniest of things, whether she's upset people, whether she's good enough to be with me. Repeatedly tells me if things get too much then to walk away as I've not experienced how bad things get before & she knows they're going to get worse but firstly I don't feel like I want to leave her & secondly it then makes me question whether she actually wants to be with me when she keeps making these comments. 

 

I care a lot for her but I'm starting to feel like it's getting me down a little. Anything I say doesn't seem to really help. 

 

If I ask her if she wants me to talk to her I just get 'I don't mind'. It's all very confusing as I don't know if I should step back and not message her but I don't want her to feel like she's in this alone. 

Especially as she's said before that her ex used to be quite reassuring in this situation.  

Just pay her some attention. 

 

Bring her some lunch or something. 

 

Something funny or different.

 

 

[Crinklyfox]

12 hours ago, lee7 said:

Really struggling at the moment on how to help my girlfriend. I've mentioned before that she suffers quite severely with both anxiety and depression. Although I thought she had it under control this past week has been horrendous. 

She doesn't talk as much as she used to. Her confidence has completely gone. She's become quite blunt & straight to the point which is not in her nature at all. 

 

Shes over worrying over the tiniest of things, whether she's upset people, whether she's good enough to be with me. Repeatedly tells me if things get too much then to walk away as I've not experienced how bad things get before & she knows they're going to get worse but firstly I don't feel like I want to leave her & secondly it then makes me question whether she actually wants to be with me when she keeps making these comments. 

 

I care a lot for her but I'm starting to feel like it's getting me down a little. Anything I say doesn't seem to really help. 

 

If I ask her if she wants me to talk to her I just get 'I don't mind'. It's all very confusing as I don't know if I should step back and not message her but I don't want her to feel like she's in this alone. 

Especially as she's said before that her ex used to be quite reassuring in this situation.  

Sounds like the troubles she's been experiencing have resulted in her self-confidence being gone as you said.  She may be constantly worrying that you're going to leave her and her asking you if you really want to be with her may be a way of inviting a 'no' answer to 'get it all over with' so she doesn't have to keep worrying about it rather than her not wanting to be with you.  Also if she's experienced the pain of splitting from her ex she may fear it happening again.

 

She probably needs a lot of reassurance so being very positive to her about your wish to be with her should help.  Sharing the same experiences like going places together or laughing at the same things can help her see you as a couple rather than two individuals.

 

The way to gain self-confidence is to do things, procrastinating and worrying about them won't help so you may have to take the lead and be positive about life in order to help her through.  

[lee7]

3 hours ago, Crinklyfox said:

Sounds like the troubles she's been experiencing have resulted in her self-confidence being gone as you said.  She may be constantly worrying that you're going to leave her and her asking you if you really want to be with her may be a way of inviting a 'no' answer to 'get it all over with' so she doesn't have to keep worrying about it rather than her not wanting to be with you.  Also if she's experienced the pain of splitting from her ex she may fear it happening again.

 

She probably needs a lot of reassurance so being very positive to her about your wish to be with her should help.  Sharing the same experiences like going places together or laughing at the same things can help her see you as a couple rather than two individuals.

 

The way to gain self-confidence is to do things, procrastinating and worrying about them won't help so you may have to take the lead and be positive about life in order to help her through.  

Yeah, I can see where your coming from. In one breath she says she'd be massively upset if I split up with her but then I'm the next she is saying 'I would understand if you didn't want to be with me' 

 

I always insist that I don't want to leave her and wont. I had booked a surprise holiday for us in the beginning of October, I'm now starting to worry we won't even be together then. 

 

Again this is what I keep telling her. If she locks herself away all day with just her own thoughts for company then she'll drive herself insane. She just does not see herself as a good person yet her last act of kindness was to donate half a months wages to a little boy with leukaemia. But in her mind she doesn't think that's good enough & she could've done even more! 

 

Thankyou for your reply though and in general it was really helpful 

[Lionator]

3 hours ago, lee7 said:

Yeah, I can see where your coming from. In one breath she says she'd be massively upset if I split up with her but then I'm the next she is saying 'I would understand if you didn't want to be with me' 

 

I always insist that I don't want to leave her and wont. I had booked a surprise holiday for us in the beginning of October, I'm now starting to worry we won't even be together then. 

 

Again this is what I keep telling her. If she locks herself away all day with just her own thoughts for company then she'll drive herself insane. She just does not see herself as a good person yet her last act of kindness was to donate half a months wages to a little boy with leukaemia. But in her mind she doesn't think that's good enough & she could've done even more! 

 

Thankyou for your reply though and in general it was really helpful 

That is 100% the depression talking, the negativity in her mind is making her want to push you away, yet when she's having a better day she'll wonder why she's done that. You need to encourage her to take the right steps to recover, is she having therapy/taking antidepressents? If not, try and point her in that direction. If so then maybe it's something a lot deeper and more complex. If she's unwilling to take steps which can put her on the right track then there's really not much you can do and you have no obligation to stay in the relationship, you have to think of your sanity as well as hers.

 

Good luck!

[lee7]

2 hours ago, Lionator said:

That is 100% the depression talking, the negativity in her mind is making her want to push you away, yet when she's having a better day she'll wonder why she's done that. You need to encourage her to take the right steps to recover, is she having therapy/taking antidepressents? If not, try and point her in that direction. If so then maybe it's something a lot deeper and more complex. If she's unwilling to take steps which can put her on the right track then there's really not much you can do and you have no obligation to stay in the relationship, you have to think of your sanity as well as hers.

 

Good luck!

Thankyou! In regards to antidepressants she was on a certain tablet and her dosage was 200mg which I understand is really high! 

She took herself off of them & went to the doctors last week and was told it's important she goes back on them asap but she's so reluctant to do so! 

She said when you first go on them it messes her up for a good 2 months so that she's afraid of everything! 

 

She does try to get help but then worries so badly about the side effects of these tablets! Not realising she's much worse off not taking them than she is on them! 

 

[Raj]

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/rajesh-kumar5?utm_source=Whatsapp

 

 

I'm doing my half marathon for Samaritans if anyone can spare a pound or two!!! X

[Finnegan]

13 hours ago, Raj said:

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/rajesh-kumar5?utm_source=Whatsapp

 

 

I'm doing my half marathon for Samaritans if anyone can spare a pound or two!!! X

 

 

 

I suppose I should really. 

[Raj]

9 hours ago, Finnegan said:

 

 

 

I suppose I should really. 

Yes you should!!!

[ajthefox]

On 16/09/2017 at 19:52, lee7 said:

Really struggling at the moment on how to help my girlfriend. I've mentioned before that she suffers quite severely with both anxiety and depression. Although I thought she had it under control this past week has been horrendous. 

She doesn't talk as much as she used to. Her confidence has completely gone. She's become quite blunt & straight to the point which is not in her nature at all. 

 

Shes over worrying over the tiniest of things, whether she's upset people, whether she's good enough to be with me. Repeatedly tells me if things get too much then to walk away as I've not experienced how bad things get before & she knows they're going to get worse but firstly I don't feel like I want to leave her & secondly it then makes me question whether she actually wants to be with me when she keeps making these comments. 

 

I care a lot for her but I'm starting to feel like it's getting me down a little. Anything I say doesn't seem to really help. 

 

If I ask her if she wants me to talk to her I just get 'I don't mind'. It's all very confusing as I don't know if I should step back and not message her but I don't want her to feel like she's in this alone. 

Especially as she's said before that her ex used to be quite reassuring in this situation.  

@lee7

 

About 6 months into my first serious relationship at the age of 19 my then girlfriend nonchalantly showed me some scars on her upper thigh while we were out having a few drinks with friends. Although she had done a few odd things in the time we'd been dating I had no prior indication that she was depressed but when I asked about them she said she made the cuts herself. I didn't understand at the time and I'm not sure I ever fully will, but I was incredibly naive at the time and I didn't know her either. Self harm gets a strange reaction from a lot of people but I will never forget seeing half an inch into her forearm and the resulting scar on her arm that will be with her for life. .

 

We were together for about 2 and a half years before I moved in with her and that was when the full extent of her depression hit me. Dealing with her depression in the year and a bit we lived together was like a fight with Mayweather Snr. I did everything I could think of to help fight it but it never seemed to help and I just didn't understand.There were lots and lots of happy times but it was only ever a matter of time until she would be hit with an absolute sucker punch and I felt every one in the heart. I remember one specific time when she cried for hours and she couldn't explain why.

 

As I said, I was so naive at the time and I did shitty things as anyone does in a relationship, but they would often cause disproportionately large arguments that were absurd. She hit me a fair few times, I once pushed her onto the bed, she smashed and threw glasses/plates/food, I shouted in her face, we regularly had slanging matches outside in the early hours. It changed how I thought and how I acted. More than that, it changed who I actually was for a long time and I am ashamed of a lot of things that I did and said in that time together. There are a couple of obvious things that you could point to that had obviously contributed to her depression but there were also a number of other factors that were having an impact on the (horrible) state of our relationship. They would make even the healthiest relationship difficult. We were on the breadline, there was a lack of friends/family close by on both sides, she was unemployed and I was barely a man (and one with little emotional intelligence at that). I mentioned these because I want to be clear (if it wasn't already) that the failure of our relationship was far more than simply the result of her depression; there was a fvcktonne wrong with our relationship and her depression exacerbated those issues (and vice versa) to the point at which I couldn't handle it. 

 

The night we broke up was the worst night of my life; I was led to believe she took 20+ paracetamol on top of having already had a full bottle of wine. She was physically fine the next day but needless to say the whole thing was a torrid night for both of us. More to the point, it wasn't until a few weeks after all this that she got to the point where she actually reached out and started seeing a therapist. It was only at (what I hope) was her absolute lowest that she took action, and it wasn't because someone told her to, it was her own realisation. 

 

We spent some time together after the first few weeks apart and we realised we'd both done lots wrong and that we held onto our relationship longer than we should've. We also realised that that was because we were also very much in love with each other i.e. fundamentally for a good reason. We've long gone our separate ways but I harbour no ill feelings towards her and I would like to think she doesn't towards me either. 

 

You might have experienced some of things I've mentioned, you might not have. You may experience some of them in the future, you may not. Who knows. I don't want to project onto you and your girlfiend or make you any more scared or worried than you already are either but I also don't want to sugar coat anything. IMO, You need honesty first and foremost and positivity second, not false optimism and platitudes. I don't know much but I do know what it's like to be the person who is with someone with depression and it is hard. I know what it's like to hear someone you love say that they want to die and to feel absolutely powerless to help. It's scary, it's confusing, it's debilitating and it is not something you can put a plaster over. But it is something that can be managed, and this thread is part of helping you do that.

 

I'm just another fooked up person (who clearly didn't succeed at sticking it out) but here's my main advice (Alongside what Lionator has already said):

 

- Be there. I mean just be there In person, on the phone, whatever. Just being there and staying there for her will mean a lot to her. It can be hard to judge but sometimes talking about random stuff and filling the silence will help her.

 

- Listen. When she does want to talk, listen and listen well. You don't have to understand her feelings and you shouldn't pretend to if you don't, you just have to let her let it out and actually take in what she is saying. Understanding someones words and understanding how someone feels are different animals and it's important to separate the two. Do some reading about it if you can.

 

- Be kind. To her and to yourself. She needs you but make no mistake you should not expect to muddle through it without your own support network. You have a right to feel what you feel and you shouldn't punish yourself for struggling, just try your best to use your support network and not to take it out on her.

 

And hopefully it doesn't come to this, but if it gets too much for you be honest with her and rip the plaster off as soon as you can. One of the things I regret the most is not having the courage to end things as soon I knew I couldn't do it. It caused more pain and wasted more time for both of us. 

 

It's been cathartic and helpful for me to write all of this so apologies for how long winded it is; you didn't really need to know all of it. I do think this is probably the most pertinent thing I've ever written on this board though and I hope it is some comfort in what I'm sure is a difficult time for you. Keep us all updated with progress and seriously, if you have any questions or you want to vent, you are more than welcome to DM me. 

 

I wish you both all the best mate. 

Edited 18 September 2017 by ajthefox

[Finnegan]

On 17/09/2017 at 12:26, lee7 said:

Yeah, I can see where your coming from. In one breath she says she'd be massively upset if I split up with her but then I'm the next she is saying 'I would understand if you didn't want to be with me' 

 

I always insist that I don't want to leave her and wont. I had booked a surprise holiday for us in the beginning of October, I'm now starting to worry we won't even be together then. 

 

Again this is what I keep telling her. If she locks herself away all day with just her own thoughts for company then she'll drive herself insane. She just does not see herself as a good person yet her last act of kindness was to donate half a months wages to a little boy with leukaemia. But in her mind she doesn't think that's good enough & she could've done even more! 

 

Thankyou for your reply though and in general it was really helpful 

 

Under no circumstances let her push you away. 

 

Most recently, I was the other shoe in this equation. I know what it's like to be severely depressed in a relationship. 

 

It doesn't mean she doesn't value you or want you around, it's a sign of her trust in you that she can be open enough to tell you she doesn't think she's good enough and she's having these doubts. 

 

Stick it out, keep doing what you're doing and have faith in the fact she wants to be with you. 

[leicesterlad1989]

On ‎16‎/‎09‎/‎2017 at 19:52, lee7 said:

Really struggling at the moment on how to help my girlfriend. I've mentioned before that she suffers quite severely with both anxiety and depression. Although I thought she had it under control this past week has been horrendous. 

She doesn't talk as much as she used to. Her confidence has completely gone. She's become quite blunt & straight to the point which is not in her nature at all. 

 

Shes over worrying over the tiniest of things, whether she's upset people, whether she's good enough to be with me. Repeatedly tells me if things get too much then to walk away as I've not experienced how bad things get before & she knows they're going to get worse but firstly I don't feel like I want to leave her & secondly it then makes me question whether she actually wants to be with me when she keeps making these comments. 

 

I care a lot for her but I'm starting to feel like it's getting me down a little. Anything I say doesn't seem to really help. 

 

If I ask her if she wants me to talk to her I just get 'I don't mind'. It's all very confusing as I don't know if I should step back and not message her but I don't want her to feel like she's in this alone. 

Especially as she's said before that her ex used to be quite reassuring in this situation.  

@ajthefox has responded superbly but I thought I'd offer my personal insight too.

 

I made many mistakes when trying to understand depression and anxiety in particular. I would always try to rationalise anything my misses would say. In my mind I understood why should would feel depressed as she has had a lot of losses and personal problems prior to meeting me that would make even the strongest person feel depressed. The anxiety I didn't understand. I just thought it was panic that could be rationalised an explained. It can't. Same for depression too.

 

My misses would do very similar to yours. She would constantly question whether she was good enough for me. She would also say that if times got tough I should walk away but in the next breath she would panic I was going to leave her. She also had a fear of being alone, which I mistakenly put down to being controlling and made the situation worse. So if I had to work away for the night or go away for the weekend she would go into a blind panic and cry uncontrollably. In the heat of an episode she would also say a lot of things she didn't mean and I'd retaliate.

 

After one bad episode she sought help at the doctors. They gave her some form of tablet to control her anxiety but also recommended counselling. Counselling was the best thing for her. I can't go into details as to what they discussed but it clearly worked. She still has her moments but now knows how to control them. I've also learnt from my mistakes and I have a better understanding on anxiety.

 

What I would advise is to make yourself available to talk to. You may not understand or like what you hear but she will appreciate you listening, evening if she doesn't say it. Whatever you do don't retaliate as I did. Offering her your thoughts may not work either. It didn't for me but it's worth a try. Also, stick by her. You clearly love her and she can't help the way she feels.

 

Just to fast-forward my situation slightly, I have no married my misses and recently had a child together. Times will be difficult and we both accept that but overall they can and will change for the better.  

[Jon the Hat]

There was a post around the other day which I cannot find from a young lad who was having issues at home.  I guess he has deleted this now, but I wanted to post a few thoughts.  My mother in Law suffers (we believe) from Narcissistic personality disorder, and the actions the lad mentioned were very familiar to me from the many hours of talking this through with my wife, and indeed seeing it myself.  Read up on NPD and you find that suffers have no insight, and are very good at hiding it should they come across medical professionals or anyone outside the family, and you can feel very alone.  There is sadly then little hope of this improving.  HOWEVER, you will likely find that your wider family (especially hers) are not as blind to this as you think, and that your father while scared of the consequences of not falling into line, is also unhappy and trapped.  I would suggest talking to wider family, especially those who might be estranged from your family - they are most likely to have seen the NPD related behavior, and may be able to validate your feelings that this is not OK, and even might want to help.  Good luck!  You may just need to stick it out.  Believe in yourself, and try not to take to hear the criticism - it is all bullshit, you are I am sure a good kid, and the comparisons to others are not real.

[lee7]

13 hours ago, Finnegan said:

 

Under no circumstances let her push you away. 

 

Most recently, I was the other shoe in this equation. I know what it's like to be severely depressed in a relationship. 

 

It doesn't mean she doesn't value you or want you around, it's a sign of her trust in you that she can be open enough to tell you she doesn't think she's good enough and she's having these doubts. 

 

Stick it out, keep doing what you're doing and have faith in the fact she wants to be with you. 

Thankyou! I am trying hard not to let her push me away.

 

At times it is really difficult to understand why she's being the way she's being. I spoke with her mum and told her that I think something's wrong or she could be deteriorating & at home she said she hasn't noticed but thought she was down as she's been a bit under the weather recently!

So when I asked my girlfriend if she's only like this around me she just replied with 'it's easier to hide it from family because I don't speak to them half as much as I do to you' 

 

its like some some other posters have said from the outside I struggle in my own mind to realise why she can't just snap out of it but I'd never say that to her!  

 

 

[Finnegan]

12 minutes ago, lee7 said:

Thankyou! I am trying hard not to let her push me away.

 

At times it is really difficult to understand why she's being the way she's being. I spoke with her mum and told her that I think something's wrong or she could be deteriorating & at home she said she hasn't noticed but thought she was down as she's been a bit under the weather recently!

So when I asked my girlfriend if she's only like this around me she just replied with 'it's easier to hide it from family because I don't speak to them half as much as I do to you' 

 

its like some some other posters have said from the outside I struggle in my own mind to realise why she can't just snap out of it but I'd never say that to her!  

 

 

 

From late January through to about early May this year I made home life hell for my partner of over four and a half years. She's currently not living with me and we're in a weird, separated, possibly broken up mess. 

 

I completely cut her out, would often be unresponsive, miserable, tetchy, short tempered, rude, quiet, down for days at a time. I wasn't really available to her emotionally or affectionately a lot. 

 

All of my energy went in to pretending to be happy and upbeat and normal at work and around other people. When I got home, I didn't have the effort for it anymore. 

 

The way your girlfriend is treating you isn't ideal and it's not something you should tolerate forever, eventually she's going to need to snap out of it and work on her mental health for her own sakes let alone your relationship. 

 

But from someone who has been in her shoes, I promise you it's nothing to do with how she feels about you. If anything, in a weird kind of way it's a compliment that she's comfortable enough to show you her depressed side if that makes sense. 

 

My OH never saw it like that. She has her own insecurities and to her she just felt like I didn't want her around, thought I'd lost all interest in her and was pushing her away. 

 

She was upset that I didn't vocalise and let her in, share with her, but the people you love the most are the hardest and scariest to talk to when you're feeling depressed. Especially because when you're depressed, you're actually trying your best subconsciously to suppress all emotion. 

 

You don't feel love because feeling love leaves you prone to feeling pain as well. Depression is often viewed by people who are healthy as extreme sadness. Actually, it's more typically extreme numbness. People like me aren't very good at experiencing adult emotions rationally so we have our depression as a defence mechanism, it's a way of not feeling anything at all. 

 

I'm doing quite a lot of work with a private practice therapist to try and break that wall down and start managing my emotions like a healthy person but it's slow work and it's something I couldn't do alone. 

 

Have faith in your girlfriend. She almost certainly values and needs you, let her be low for now and don't take it as a slight against you. You seem a little anxiously attached, to be honest, try and remind yourself it's not about you it's about how she feels about herself. 

Edited 19 September 2017 by Finnegan

[lee7]

10 hours ago, leicesterlad1989 said:

@ajthefox has responded superbly but I thought I'd offer my personal insight too.

 

I made many mistakes when trying to understand depression and anxiety in particular. I would always try to rationalise anything my misses would say. In my mind I understood why should would feel depressed as she has had a lot of losses and personal problems prior to meeting me that would make even the strongest person feel depressed. The anxiety I didn't understand. I just thought it was panic that could be rationalised an explained. It can't. Same for depression too.

 

My misses would do very similar to yours. She would constantly question whether she was good enough for me. She would also say that if times got tough I should walk away but in the next breath she would panic I was going to leave her. She also had a fear of being alone, which I mistakenly put down to being controlling and made the situation worse. So if I had to work away for the night or go away for the weekend she would go into a blind panic and cry uncontrollably. In the heat of an episode she would also say a lot of things she didn't mean and I'd retaliate.

 

After one bad episode she sought help at the doctors. They gave her some form of tablet to control her anxiety but also recommended counselling. Counselling was the best thing for her. I can't go into details as to what they discussed but it clearly worked. She still has her moments but now knows how to control them. I've also learnt from my mistakes and I have a better understanding on anxiety.

 

What I would advise is to make yourself available to talk to. You may not understand or like what you hear but she will appreciate you listening, evening if she doesn't say it. Whatever you do don't retaliate as I did. Offering her your thoughts may not work either. It didn't for me but it's worth a try. Also, stick by her. You clearly love her and she can't help the way she feels.

 

Just to fast-forward my situation slightly, I have no married my misses and recently had a child together. Times will be difficult and we both accept that but overall they can and will change for the better.  

I can definitely relate to what your saying here. I try to make sense of everything she says. Particularly when she's saying 'I would understand if you wanted to leave me'. It kind of feels like she doesn't want to be with me but as many of you have said that's the depression talking. So I try to keep that in mind. My girlfriend has also been through a lot notably an abusive ex and a lack of a father figure. The anxiety I also struggle to understand as she's extremely pretty! I mentioned in another thread she's a part time model so in my mind it's hard to understand how she can see herself as fat and disgusting! 

 

Mines always saying I'm perfect and so understanding especially when she's talking about her ex as she feels most blokes would be really angry. When she's in a normal frame of mind she'll say stuff like 'I'd be massively upset if you walked away' and 'I don't want you to ever leave me' but now she's down she is saying different. 

 

My girlfriend did have counselling but is adamant she does not want to go back to it as she thinks her working life will suffer from it & after missing over a year off of work she's reluctant to miss anymore as she feels like she lets everyone down by not working. 

 

I have said that I'm not going anywhere. I'd like to think that I'm a good listener. As much as some of what she says is hard to listen to and especially to grasp but I do try extremely hard not to retaliate. 

 

Congratulations on the recent child. I'm happy to hear that you've came through the darker times to now find yourselves in a happier place. Obviously right now this is a really hard patch for me and my girlfriend but I'll stick by her for as long as she wants me too! 

 

 

Thankyou for your advice! 

[Finnegan]

When talking about mental health and relationships, especially when you start getting on to talking about clingy or possessive people, it's a good time to read up on attachment models. 

 

We all have one. Or, we all have a default, af least. 

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

 

When you're insecure, you'll find that it's possible to swing between avoidant and anxious at different periods in your life but generally speaking most of us have a "factory setting."

 

 

[lee7]

30 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

 

From late January through to about early May this year I made home life hell for my partner of over four and a half years. She's currently not living with me and we're in a weird, separated, possibly broken up mess. 

 

I completely cut her out, would often be unresponsive, miserable, tetchy, short tempered, rude, quiet, down for days at a time. I wasn't really available to her emotionally or affectionately a lot. 

 

All of my energy went in to pretending to be happy and upbeat and normal at work and around other people. When I got home, I didn't have the effort for it anymore. 

 

The way your girlfriend is treating you isn't ideal and it's not something you should tolerate forever, eventually she's going to need to snap out of it and work on her mental health for her own sakes let alone your relationship. 

 

But from someone who has been in her shoes, I promise you it's nothing to do with how she feels about you. If anything, in a weird kind of way it's a compliment that she's comfortable enough to show you her depressed side if that makes sense. 

 

My OH never saw it like that. She has her own insecurities and to her she just felt like I didn't want her around, thought I'd lost all interest in her and was pushing her away. 

 

She was upset that I didn't vocalise and let her in, share with her, but the people you love the most are the hardest and scariest to talk to when you're feeling depressed. Especially because when you're depressed, you're actually trying your best subconsciously to suppress all emotion. 

 

You don't feel love because feeling love leaves you prone to feeling pain as well. Depression is often viewed by people who are healthy as extreme sadness. Actually, it's more typically extreme numbness. People like me aren't very good at experiencing adult emotions rationally so we have our depression as a defence mechanism, it's a way of not feeling anything at all. 

 

I'm doing quite a lot of work with a private practice therapist to try and break that wall down and start managing my emotions like a healthy person but it's slow work and it's something I couldn't do alone. 

 

Have faith in your girlfriend. She almost certainly values and needs you, let her be low for now and don't take it as a slight against you. You seem a little anxiously attached, to be honest, try and remind yourself it's not about you it's about how she feels about herself. 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation with your misses! It's never nice to hear people are going through situations like these but but at the same time I can definitely relate to quite a bit of what you said but from the other side. 

A lot of the things you list my girlfriend also acts in the same way. 

Most notably she is quite rude at the minute & as you say down for days. She definitely tries to pretend she's happy around family and friends which I think then effects us as I get the full force of her depression. 

 

I agree she definitely needs to work on her mental health and as annoying it is hearing her refuse to see her counsellor I'm trying to just be supportive and remain positive. 

 

I will try to keep that in mind that it's more of a compliment that she is her natural self around me. 

 

Again I could not agree with that any more, recently when she had one of her better days she said that she is trying to let me in but when she's depressed she finds it extremely hard too!

 

it is rare that she ever shows her feelings towards me and she openly admits she struggles to tell me how she truly feels about me mainly through fear of if she opens up she'll be more prone to getting hurt. 

 

Good luck with your therapist and I genuinely wish you all the best. Hopefully you can get on top of this. 

 

I do agree with your last statement, perhaps I am a little anxiously attached as I do worry about whether she loves me but I think a lot of that comes from her not being good at showing emotions even on better days. I will try to bare that in mind & from now on I'll stop myself from needing that reassurance. 

Edited 19 September 2017 by lee7

[lgfualol]

I've been doing meditating every morning and after work and already feeling the difference. I actually want to do it all the time now, it's great to be clear of thought for a while. I feel calmer today, the negative thoughts are there, but they are not winding me up as much. 

 

I also recommend anyone watch or read stuff by Eckhart Tolle, he is quite spiritual but a lot of what he says can help. He has a book "The Power of Now" that has helped a lot of people. 

Edited 20 September 2017 by lgfualol

[SpacedX]

26 minutes ago, lgfualol said:

 

I also recommend anyone watch or read stuff by Eckhart Tolle, he is quite spiritual but a lot of what he says can help. He has a book "The Power of Now" that has helped a lot of people. 

Good call that. I bought this for an ex from the obligatory airport bookshop without appreciating how popular it was - I swear those places must shift 90% of the worlds self-help literature along with Jackie Collins, Deepak Chopra, Andy McNab and that ridiculous E L James woman. I've no time for new age nonsense and celebrity endorsement but I read it myself and irrespective of ones views on the spiritual component it prescribes a very positive strategy for transformational/transformative strategy and progressive thinking. Aside from the inevitable woo****ery and gobbledegook and the fact that it's pretty much a repackaging of the tenets of Mahayana Buddhism and Zen, I fully agree - and unlike most New Ager charlatans, mountebanks and snake oil salesmen this does have appreciable practical worth. 

 

Not that it matters but he looks like a hybrid cross between a hobbit and a hobgoblin.

[Lionator]

So I've been offered my first proper job since coming out of uni however it'd mean moving 80 miles away from home to a place I have no family or friends and working nights. Now lack of sleep has always been a massive issue for me and when I was really struggling with anxiety and subsequent depression back in December/January time it coincided with appalling insomnia, so when they offered me a night position, it's really a non-starter. A few months ago I'd have taken this quite badly and seen myself in a bad light however given that I've been offered employment, I'm clearly employable so I'm being more positive and thinking that the next opportunity will come along soon enough. That's kind of my mini success story, I can actually turn a negative situation on its head.

 

 

[Jon the Hat]

1 minute ago, Lionator said:

So I've been offered my first proper job since coming out of uni however it'd mean moving 80 miles away from home to a place I have no family or friends and working nights. Now lack of sleep has always been a massive issue for me and when I was really struggling with anxiety and subsequent depression back in December/January time it coincided with appalling insomnia, so when they offered me a night position, it's really a non-starter. A few months ago I'd have taken this quite badly and seen myself in a bad light however given that I've been offered employment, I'm clearly employable so I'm being more positive and thinking that the next opportunity will come along soon enough. That's kind of my mini success story, I can actually turn a negative situation on its head.

 

 

That is great to hear.  Any possibility of you telling them that you really want the role, but the night work isn't something you can take on due to suffering insomnia in the past?  Or do you think that might impact a future opportunity?

[Lionator]

3 minutes ago, Jon the Hat said:

That is great to hear.  Any possibility of you telling them that you really want the role, but the night work isn't something you can take on due to suffering insomnia in the past?  Or do you think that might impact a future opportunity?

I did mention that to them however it's not quite right for me, it'd mean moving to a new place completely on my own away from family, friends and my girlfriend, all of who offer me a good support network plus the job itself is 50p over the minimum wage (to be expected at this stage of my career). I'd be taking it purely because it's a job rather than thinking about the wider picture, maybe I'm foolish but after getting on the right track from my lowest mental health point not so long ago, I'm not sure it's worth the risk.

[Russell sprout]

Today I have been signed off work with depression,though I know il always have episodes I suppose I'm in denial that I can deal with this alone,I Carnt.

i recently transferred from one store to another to further developed my career,

but ive had 4 knock backs in as many months,this on top of exhaustion and fatigue have today taken there toll,

having been moody again this morning which is nothing new due to lack of sleep through worrying every night,my wife messaged me when I got work to ask if I was ok,and that she's with me,

after replying with my worries I started welling up then broke down in front of my assistant manager,who advised me to go doctors,

taking his advice I went doctors and have been proscribed anti depressants and signed off for 2 weeks,

my wife has informed work who seem supportive,the funny thing is I handed my resignation in on Monday reluctantly,

ive been offered another job which is a step up from my current role with a different employer,but earning 20% less,

its better working hours freeing me up to spend more time with my children but the drop in income is going to affect me in the same way my current job is affecting me,

im simply not happy in anything I'm doing lately,

its hard because it's only writing this that I feel able to express myself,

like it's easier to talk to strangers cuz there's no right/wrong answer,

more constructive advise,

but I don't feel myself anymore,

my love of lcfc is the only time I'm able to relax believe it or not,but after 38 mins last night I told my wife I wanted to go home,with my 5 year old son losing out,

yet ive not missed a single home game weather it be a league,friendly or cup game in 5 years,but right now I'm not enjoying what usually makes me happy.

[Crinklyfox]

10 hours ago, Russell sprout said:

Today I have been signed off work with depression,though I know il always have episodes I suppose I'm in denial that I can deal with this alone,I Carnt.

i recently transferred from one store to another to further developed my career,

but ive had 4 knock backs in as many months,this on top of exhaustion and fatigue have today taken there toll,

having been moody again this morning which is nothing new due to lack of sleep through worrying every night,my wife messaged me when I got work to ask if I was ok,and that she's with me,

after replying with my worries I started welling up then broke down in front of my assistant manager,who advised me to go doctors,

taking his advice I went doctors and have been proscribed anti depressants and signed off for 2 weeks,

my wife has informed work who seem supportive,the funny thing is I handed my resignation in on Monday reluctantly,

ive been offered another job which is a step up from my current role with a different employer,but earning 20% less,

its better working hours freeing me up to spend more time with my children but the drop in income is going to affect me in the same way my current job is affecting me,

im simply not happy in anything I'm doing lately,

its hard because it's only writing this that I feel able to express myself,

like it's easier to talk to strangers cuz there's no right/wrong answer,

more constructive advise,

but I don't feel myself anymore,

my love of lcfc is the only time I'm able to relax believe it or not,but after 38 mins last night I told my wife I wanted to go home,with my 5 year old son losing out,

yet ive not missed a single home game weather it be a league,friendly or cup game in 5 years,but right now I'm not enjoying what usually makes me happy.

You've done the right thing in seeking medical advice and getting help.

 

You've spoken of four knock backs, exhaustion and fatigue.  If these were work-related then stepping away from your current employer looks like a sound move, however if they weren't then it's more questionable.  When you're depressed your natural resistance to 'knocks' is worn down so that what may seem to others like a small setback can feel like a disaster to you.  Ups and downs are an integral part of life, both working and domestic, moving employer may reduce them but it's your state of mind that will help you cope, that was my experience anyway when I suffered from depression, the cause of which was largely work-related.  I stayed with my employer, the prescription drugs helped me cope with my depression and cognitive therapy helped me get my thoughts into perspective so I could view events in a better frame of mind.

 

Your analysis of yourself sounds right because when you're depressed you aren't your normal self.  Depression restricts your ability to see things rationally and the physiological changes it makes can prevent you from feeling pleasure.  Literally nothing feels good.  That's where the drugs can help as dealing with the physiological problems is an essential first step, after which you can more rationally deal with the underlying causes of the depression.  Give them time to work (it took a few weeks for me).

 

 

 

 

[Danno]

Has anyone been to the doctor/ had treatment for anxiety? I’ve been really struggling with that recently after being depressed. Constantly have this horrible nervous feeling for no reason and my mind is racing and lose my appetite. Seems to stem from my girlfriend, I really have no reason to be paranoid or anything  but my imagination is crazy. It’s really affecting things with her at the moment. 

 

I’ve never seen anyone about it and will be especially hard since I live in Spain.