Depression

[Izzy]

3 hours ago, Arkie Bennett said:

I have depression and anxiety. My mother lives with me and my wife, but their relationship is only getting worse. My mother denies it, but her behaviour is becoming more erratic. She looks for reasons to react to little things my wife says or does, then causes a huge argument. The arguments have become increasingly nasty over the last year or so. They haven't talked to each other for months. She was brewing up to another argument last night, and I'm expecting it to blow up today while I'm at work. I dread coming home. 

I feel for you mate. I can't imagine anything more challenging than having my wife and mother living in the same house.

 

Sounds like you're stuck in the middle and that's not fair on you. Reading what you said about your Mother, I wonder what's going on in her head?

 

I also wonder if she's really looking for reasons or deliberately brewing up arguments? Maybe this behavior is a manifestation of her own frustrations in life. I wonder if she'd choose to live with you or if she maybe misses her independence?

 

Either way, it doesn't sound sustainable and you're copping the brunt of it. Years ago my wife and Mum didn't get on (it's still an effort for them now) so I took them both out for lunch and told them both how I feel. It was probably the most awkward and uncomfortable conversation I'd ever had but it cleared the air and we all got stuff off our chest that we'd been bottling up for ages.

 

Sounds like the emphasis is on you to resolve this so I'd encourage you to be brave and meet it head on. Not easy I know but why should you suffer?

 

Life's hard enough as it is without having to deal with this too...

[srbfox]

Anyone on this thread gone through a marriage break up? Or tying to save their marriage.? 

[FoxesDeb]

16 hours ago, srbfox said:

Anyone on this thread gone through a marriage break up? Or tying to save their marriage.? 

Not a marriage break up but my current 5 year relationship is looking like it's going to be over soon ? We're both trying to salvage it, but ultimately he will never understand how I feel, and I have been pretty hard to live with. 

[srbfox]

3 hours ago, FoxesDeb said:

Not a marriage break up but my current 5 year relationship is looking like it's going to be over soon ? We're both trying to salvage it, but ultimately he will never understand how I feel, and I have been pretty hard to live with. 

I guess what will be will be. I love my wife to bits but I keep messing up but which either stems from my depression, or causes my depression (ain't sure which it is). When things are great they are great and she has put up with a lot of rubbish from me (work/money/alcohol) but there is only so much she can take. 

 

Im desperate trying to change things. I've cut the drink out my life which was a big problem but now it's fags and coffee and it's bloody more exspive which doesn't help the money situation. And then I end up lying about money and it just makes things worse  

 

i just wanted to write that down somewheee really....

[FoxesDeb]

3 minutes ago, srbfox said:

I guess what will be will be. I love my wife to bits but I keep messing up but which either stems from my depression, or causes my depression (ain't sure which it is). When things are great they are great and she has put up with a lot of rubbish from me (work/money/alcohol) but there is only so much she can take. 

 

Im desperate trying to change things. I've cut the drink out my life which was a big problem but now it's fags and coffee and it's bloody more exspive which doesn't help the money situation. And then I end up lying about money and it just makes things worse  

 

i just wanted to write that down somewheee really....

I adore my other half too. I also love my wine, and probably drink too much of it which doesn't help. I tend to not know when it's best to keep quiet. 

 

He thinks he doesn't help my depression, and I think it's what I'm feeling that is causing our problems. I just don't know how to make it better between us, but at the moment it's rubbish. I feel guilty for putting him through all of this and he feels guilty that he's not really much help, although he tries. 

 

Sorry I have no answers, hopefully someone will be along in a bit though ☺️

[Jon the Hat]

Just had a telephone assessment to get back into some talking therapy.  On the waiting list for assisted self help CBT.  Tried it last year but dropped out when my therapist left.  Need to make it work this time.  I do find talking about my anxiety makes me feel like shit, and very anxious.  Now I will bury it again and get back to work.

[Finnegan]

1 minute ago, Jon the Hat said:

Just had a telephone assessment to get back into some talking therapy.  On the waiting list for assisted self help CBT.  Tried it last year but dropped out when my therapist left.  Need to make it work this time.  I do find talking about my anxiety makes me feel like shit, and very anxious.  Now I will bury it again and get back to work.

 

Waiting list? NHS? Or private at just a very busy practice? 

[Jon the Hat]

25 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

 

Waiting list? NHS? Or private at just a very busy practice? 

NHS.  To be honest I haven't looked privately.  Don't think my work cover includes it.

[Finnegan]

18 minutes ago, Jon the Hat said:

NHS.  To be honest I haven't looked privately.  Don't think my work cover includes it.

 

How is your financial situation at the moment? I'd have thought you could probably afford to cover private practice but I may be being presumptuous. 

 

I find the NHS awful. You don't really get to pick your therapist, they tend to move around a lot like GPs, you often can't see them for weeks between sessions, you get a limited course and that's you done. 

 

I went private this time and it's the best thing I've ever done. Now I'm living alone it's starting to stretch my purse strings a bit, I'm paying around 300 pm but will could be doing it cheaper. The clinic I visit has lower rates, I happen to just be seeing the practice director. 

 

I guess you'd be paying more by virtue of it being in London but I bet it's still cheaper than you may have imagined. 

 

Like I said, that's easy for me to say without kids etc. 

 

Oh that's weekly sessions btw as well. I may consider going fortnightly if Christmas is a bit harsh on my wallet and Mrs / separated Mrs / not quite sure what she is atm Finners doesn't move back in before the new year. 

Edited 31 October 2017 by Finnegan

[Crinklyfox]

1 hour ago, Jon the Hat said:

Just had a telephone assessment to get back into some talking therapy.  On the waiting list for assisted self help CBT.  Tried it last year but dropped out when my therapist left.  Need to make it work this time.  I do find talking about my anxiety makes me feel like shit, and very anxious.  Now I will bury it again and get back to work.

I found CBT to be very helpful but did most of it on my own.  I found that reading about it helped me rationalise my thoughts.  Therapists can be very helpful but please don't discard CBT until such time as a therapist becomes available.

 

One of the things that CBT taught me to do was to put my feelings into perspective.  I was depressed and a little incident at work like not getting a task done on time would cause me a lot of worry.  My thoughts went something like this:

 

1.  I haven't done my work on time so my boss won't be happy;

2.  I'll either not get a pay rise next year for being useless or I'll get fired;

3.  So I won't have a job and my income won't be enough to live on;

4.  So my wife will get even more fed up with me than she already is;

5.  She'll kick me out of the house and I'll lose her and my family.

 

I could go on but that sequence of thoughts caused me a lot of stress even though to most people it would seem ludicrous.  After CBT I started assigning a probability to each event in my thought chain, so for example:

 

1.  60%

2.  10%

3.  25%

4.  50%

5.  10%

 

Taking those percentages together gave me a more realistic view.  10% of 60 is 6%, 25%of 6% is 1.5%, 50% of 1.5% is 0.75% and 10% of 0.75% is 0.075%.  In other words the chance of that sequence of events actually happening was less than one in a thousand.   That helped me reduce my worries a lot, and also showed me how unrealistic my thoughts were.

 

If talking about your anxiety makes you anxious, ask yourself why.  You'll probably have a thought flow that you can put down and then analyse.  It can't hurt to give it a try, a bit of self-administered CBT could put you in a better position by the time you see your therapist.

[Jon the Hat]

4 hours ago, Finnegan said:

 

How is your financial situation at the moment? I'd have thought you could probably afford to cover private practice but I may be being presumptuous. 

 

I find the NHS awful. You don't really get to pick your therapist, they tend to move around a lot like GPs, you often can't see them for weeks between sessions, you get a limited course and that's you done. 

 

I went private this time and it's the best thing I've ever done. Now I'm living alone it's starting to stretch my purse strings a bit, I'm paying around 300 pm but will could be doing it cheaper. The clinic I visit has lower rates, I happen to just be seeing the practice director. 

 

I guess you'd be paying more by virtue of it being in London but I bet it's still cheaper than you may have imagined. 

 

Like I said, that's easy for me to say without kids etc. 

 

Oh that's weekly sessions btw as well. I may consider going fortnightly if Christmas is a bit harsh on my wallet and Mrs / separated Mrs / not quite sure what she is atm Finners doesn't move back in before the new year. 

Thanks, I will look into it.  Things are pretty tight to be honest, but mostly because I have sod all control of my spending at times.

[James.]

On ‎24‎/‎10‎/‎2017 at 21:42, foxhateram said:

Cheers for everything guys. Lots of sound advice in here. I'm sure sunny days will come again, when we're all less exhausted  Really appreciate the messages.  

I think what's key for you mate is to find some common ground with the mrs and work together as a team. Both having different ideas over what will work is driving a wedge between you and not giving the baby the consistency it needs to develop a regular sleep routine.

 

My wife and I were absolutely against leaving our daughter to cry. That was until we realised that the lack of sleep was severely impacting our quality of life and our relationship. Also bear in mind that what you think is the right thing by the baby is not always the case - what impact is it having when the baby picks up on the tension in its parents caused by lack of sleep (babies are very perceptive, they will pick up on frustration, anxiety, etc).

 

Your partner seems unwilling to compromise. I think you need to encourage her to try your way / controlled crying just for a week or so, every day, and then see where you are. One week of lots of crying will have no impact on the long term health of the baby. It may not work but at the very least you will realised that to overcome any obstacles baby related or not you need to work together, not against each other.

 

 

[Bellend Sebastian]

As well as being a shining example of why blokes that say women cannot be funny should hit themselves repeatedly in the face, Aisling Bea has written a beautiful piece that's well worth reading, not just by people affected by suicide, but everyone really.

 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/nov/04/aisling-bea-my-fathers-death-has-given-me-a-love-of-men-of-their-vulnerability-and-tenderness

 

 

[spacemunky]

13 hours ago, Bellend Sebastian said:

As well as being a shining example of why blokes that say women cannot be funny should hit themselves repeatedly in the face, Aisling Bea has written a beautiful piece that's well worth reading, not just by people affected by suicide, but everyone really.

 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/nov/04/aisling-bea-my-fathers-death-has-given-me-a-love-of-men-of-their-vulnerability-and-tenderness

 

 

Great read.

 

Thanks for posting it.

[Arkie Bennett]

On 26/10/2017 at 09:34, stripeyfox said:

I would imagine have the wife and her mother in law in the same house is an absolute recipe for disaster. 

 

Is there any prospect of your mother moving out?

 

 

 

On 26/10/2017 at 10:04, Izzy Muzzett said:

I feel for you mate. I can't imagine anything more challenging than having my wife and mother living in the same house.

 

Sounds like you're stuck in the middle and that's not fair on you. Reading what you said about your Mother, I wonder what's going on in her head?

 

I also wonder if she's really looking for reasons or deliberately brewing up arguments? Maybe this behavior is a manifestation of her own frustrations in life. I wonder if she'd choose to live with you or if she maybe misses her independence?

 

Either way, it doesn't sound sustainable and you're copping the brunt of it. Years ago my wife and Mum didn't get on (it's still an effort for them now) so I took them both out for lunch and told them both how I feel. It was probably the most awkward and uncomfortable conversation I'd ever had but it cleared the air and we all got stuff off our chest that we'd been bottling up for ages.

 

Sounds like the emphasis is on you to resolve this so I'd encourage you to be brave and meet it head on. Not easy I know but why should you suffer?

 

Life's hard enough as it is without having to deal with this too...

Thank you both of you. It got worse on Friday, they had another argument over something trivial while I was at work. It restarted when I got home and now they aren't talking to each other at all, except that my mother occasionally tries to say something to provoke my wife. It's horrible to live with this. I've never felt so low or so helpless.

[Buce]

9 minutes ago, Arkie Bennett said:

 

Thank you both of you. It got worse on Friday, they had another argument over something trivial while I was at work. It restarted when I got home and now they aren't talking to each other at all, except that my mother occasionally tries to say something to provoke my wife. It's horrible to live with this. I've never felt so low or so helpless.

 

It seems almost that you are being given a choice between your marriage and your mother.

 

Are there unavoidable reasons that your mother has to live with you?

[Jon the Hat]

1 hour ago, Buce said:

 

It seems almost that you are being given a choice between your marriage and your mother.

 

Are there unavoidable reasons that your mother has to live with you?

I'm with Buce, there is only one way this ends - one of them has to move out.   I would suggest you have to decide it is your mother, our your wife will decide it is her.

[joachim1965]

9 minutes ago, Jon the Hat said:

I'm with Buce, there is only one way this ends - one of them has to move out.   I would suggest you have to decide it is your mother, our your wife will decide it is her.

Not a good position to be in but something has to give and I think you are spot on with this post.

[Webbo]

Forgive me if I've missed something but has the mother moved in with you or have you moved in with your mother?

[Tommy G]

Try the headspace app - I don't suffer from depression but use this for 10 mins a day, helps clear your head and focus on the day ahead, especially helps with work and decision making. Best investment I ever made for about £7 a month. First 10 sessions are free. Thank me later 

 

https://www.headspace.com/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=917256451&utm_content=51529951612&utm_term=217943262714&headspace&gclid=Cj0KCQiArYDQBRDoARIsAMR8s_TQXec1qNn8U9mTJP9sSB16_nS5NKSxQyzrcqqimhGED-TbwPTzlbEaAiB1EALw_wcB

[tom27111]

A bit more of an update for everyone...it's not gloating, just an update and showing people you can get through this...

 

Loving my job, just working in a bar, but it's going really well and I'm already in line for a promotion. Nobody there likes sport, so I'm charge of twitter, mainly big up Leicester and slag off other teams! 

 

Found a place of my own to move into at the start of December, can't wait.

 

Seeing a girl who is incredible, knows all about my past and is fine with everything. 

 

Basically, things are good. 11 months since I was voluntary in hospital.

 

Everyone can get through this.

 

A huge thank you to loads of you, again.

 

And if anyone wants a chat, pm me anytime. 

[urban.spaceman]

My folks are coming home tomorrow after 2.5 months travel around Australia (staying with my aunt) and 3 weeks in New Zealand (picking up the box of crap I left there 5 years ago); have enjoyed my 2 months or so of freedom around the house, and despite the loneliness I've been doing well but neglecting my meds. I just know I'll be in a mess after I pick them up and we get home!! For that reason I've got my bestie (who's home from New York for the first time in 2 years) on standby; Stubbies at Queniborough shall be ready when I need it I hope. 

 

</minorpatheticquibble>

Edited 7 November 2017 by urban.spaceman

[urban.spaceman]

11 minutes ago, tom27111 said:

A bit more of an update for everyone...it's not gloating, just an update and showing people you can get through this...

 

Loving my job, just working in a bar, but it's going really well and I'm already in line for a promotion. Nobody there likes sport, so I'm charge of twitter, mainly big up Leicester and slag off other teams! 

 

Found a place of my own to move into at the start of December, can't wait.

 

Seeing a girl who is incredible, knows all about my past and is fine with everything. 

 

Basically, things are good. 11 months since I was voluntary in hospital.

 

Everyone can get through this.

 

A huge thank you to loads of you, again.

 

And if anyone wants a chat, pm me anytime. 

Really, really chuffed to read this Tom. Particularly when I remember how distressed you were so far back in this thread - you've come such a long, long way mate! You're a flippin inspiration to everyone on this thread who is struggling or has struggled (I aspire to have a turnaround in fortunes like yours!) Congrats!

[tom27111]

27 minutes ago, urban.spaceman said:

Really, really chuffed to read this Tom. Particularly when I remember how distressed you were so far back in this thread - you've come such a long, long way mate! You're a flippin inspiration to everyone on this thread who is struggling or has struggled (I aspire to have a turnaround in fortunes like yours!) Congrats!

 

Thanks mate, that's why I post updates. To demonstrate anything can be overcome. 

[urban.spaceman]

6 minutes ago, tom27111 said:

 

Thanks mate, that's why I post updates. To demonstrate anything can be overcome. 

That's the exact reason I don't post updates - for the benefit of everyone else's mental health!