Depression

[Thefox81]

Thank you all for your messages. Going to get my head down but will get back to you all. Thank you

[Balders65]

I work in transport and on 17 occasions in recent years I have had to attend as first response the sites of that amount of bodies hit by trains. It is traumatic to such a stage it has turned my life around for the worse. My whole life has been affected truthfully by those who have decided to use this method as a way to end their worries, trouble is it is now ruing mine. I’ve broken down before in the carpark at work, cried my eyes out and then called Samaritans as I didn’t know what else to do, and then gone home and seen the wife as if nothing is wrong. And there lies my problem. I hide things well. I know at times I’m a right ass at work short, angry and unapproachable at times, i know what im doing, i really want to pull myself out of it but then i sink back into deep bottomless pits of self doubt and loathing. I’ve had a program of EMDR and though some aspects helped it didn’t really do me any noticeable good. Again I did this at home under the guise of having an online work meeting, my wife to this day dosen’t know the true reason for those meetings.

 

Don't get me wrong and judge me here, I attended my last fatality a couple of months back and I’ve been desensitised completely, that poor person laying there in pieces meant nothing to me and I was angry at them for exposing me to this incident and further affecting the way I feel, me, me, me

 

How wrong is that.

 

being at work fearing that call over the radio that there has been a fatality and that you need to attend is the most horrific sickening feeling you can ever get. But I’ll be there, I’ll be professional and nothing but respectful, however I’ve noticed changes in me. And I don’t know what I can do about it. I can’t give up work, too much else depends on it. I moved up here about 7yrs ago and I don’t have any friends up here just work colleagues and the wife’s family, so to be quite frank I’m handling this on my own, and the load is getting heavier.

 

why the hell am I putting this on the internet, if thats not a cry for help.

[HighPeakFox]

33 minutes ago, Balders65 said:

I work in transport and on 17 occasions in recent years I have had to attend as first response the sites of that amount of bodies hit by trains. It is traumatic to such a stage it has turned my life around for the worse. My whole life has been affected truthfully by those who have decided to use this method as a way to end their worries, trouble is it is now ruing mine. I’ve broken down before in the carpark at work, cried my eyes out and then called Samaritans as I didn’t know what else to do, and then gone home and seen the wife as if nothing is wrong. And there lies my problem. I hide things well. I know at times I’m a right ass at work short, angry and unapproachable at times, i know what im doing, i really want to pull myself out of it but then i sink back into deep bottomless pits of self doubt and loathing. I’ve had a program of EMDR and though some aspects helped it didn’t really do me any noticeable good. Again I did this at home under the guise of having an online work meeting, my wife to this day dosen’t know the true reason for those meetings.

 

Don't get me wrong and judge me here, I attended my last fatality a couple of months back and I’ve been desensitised completely, that poor person laying there in pieces meant nothing to me and I was angry at them for exposing me to this incident and further affecting the way I feel, me, me, me

 

How wrong is that.

 

being at work fearing that call over the radio that there has been a fatality and that you need to attend is the most horrific sickening feeling you can ever get. But I’ll be there, I’ll be professional and nothing but respectful, however I’ve noticed changes in me. And I don’t know what I can do about it. I can’t give up work, too much else depends on it. I moved up here about 7yrs ago and I don’t have any friends up here just work colleagues and the wife’s family, so to be quite frank I’m handling this on my own, and the load is getting heavier.

 

why the hell am I putting this on the internet, if thats not a cry for help.

So much respect to you - what you are asked to do is horrific, and I think it unlikely that any of us will judge you for your responses, none of which is entirely within your control.

 

I dare not advise much - but I suspect opening up to your wife might be the most important step.

[MPH]

1 hour ago, Balders65 said:

I work in transport and on 17 occasions in recent years I have had to attend as first response the sites of that amount of bodies hit by trains. It is traumatic to such a stage it has turned my life around for the worse. My whole life has been affected truthfully by those who have decided to use this method as a way to end their worries, trouble is it is now ruing mine. I’ve broken down before in the carpark at work, cried my eyes out and then called Samaritans as I didn’t know what else to do, and then gone home and seen the wife as if nothing is wrong. And there lies my problem. I hide things well. I know at times I’m a right ass at work short, angry and unapproachable at times, i know what im doing, i really want to pull myself out of it but then i sink back into deep bottomless pits of self doubt and loathing. I’ve had a program of EMDR and though some aspects helped it didn’t really do me any noticeable good. Again I did this at home under the guise of having an online work meeting, my wife to this day dosen’t know the true reason for those meetings.

 

Don't get me wrong and judge me here, I attended my last fatality a couple of months back and I’ve been desensitised completely, that poor person laying there in pieces meant nothing to me and I was angry at them for exposing me to this incident and further affecting the way I feel, me, me, me

 

How wrong is that.

 

being at work fearing that call over the radio that there has been a fatality and that you need to attend is the most horrific sickening feeling you can ever get. But I’ll be there, I’ll be professional and nothing but respectful, however I’ve noticed changes in me. And I don’t know what I can do about it. I can’t give up work, too much else depends on it. I moved up here about 7yrs ago and I don’t have any friends up here just work colleagues and the wife’s family, so to be quite frank I’m handling this on my own, and the load is getting heavier.

 

why the hell am I putting this on the internet, if thats not a cry for help.

 

 

Thank you for the job you do. I know it isn’t easy. I used to work in a pediatric intensive care unit, so I know what you mean about becoming desensitized to traumatic situations. I also know EXACTLY what you mean about coping with it by yourself.  But I’m telling you, from experience, this is the part that has to change. You need to get to a place where you can feel vulnerable enough to trust someone else. You are a deep thinker, so you will have probably already worked out who you can trust. They won’t laugh at you, they won’t make fun of you and they certainly won’t feel less of you. To me it makes you a stronger person to want to release your burdens to someone because it shows you have an interest on what awaits you on the ‘ other side’ of vulnerability. You’ll also deepen your relationship with that other person. It might be a difficult step telling someone close to you… but what’s the alternative? Carrying on the way things are?

 

Much love to you, my friend. I hope this all works out well for you.

[ajthefox]

2 hours ago, Balders65 said:

I work in transport and on 17 occasions in recent years I have had to attend as first response the sites of that amount of bodies hit by trains. It is traumatic to such a stage it has turned my life around for the worse. My whole life has been affected truthfully by those who have decided to use this method as a way to end their worries, trouble is it is now ruing mine. I’ve broken down before in the carpark at work, cried my eyes out and then called Samaritans as I didn’t know what else to do, and then gone home and seen the wife as if nothing is wrong. And there lies my problem. I hide things well. I know at times I’m a right ass at work short, angry and unapproachable at times, i know what im doing, i really want to pull myself out of it but then i sink back into deep bottomless pits of self doubt and loathing. I’ve had a program of EMDR and though some aspects helped it didn’t really do me any noticeable good. Again I did this at home under the guise of having an online work meeting, my wife to this day dosen’t know the true reason for those meetings.

 

Don't get me wrong and judge me here, I attended my last fatality a couple of months back and I’ve been desensitised completely, that poor person laying there in pieces meant nothing to me and I was angry at them for exposing me to this incident and further affecting the way I feel, me, me, me

 

How wrong is that.

 

being at work fearing that call over the radio that there has been a fatality and that you need to attend is the most horrific sickening feeling you can ever get. But I’ll be there, I’ll be professional and nothing but respectful, however I’ve noticed changes in me. And I don’t know what I can do about it. I can’t give up work, too much else depends on it. I moved up here about 7yrs ago and I don’t have any friends up here just work colleagues and the wife’s family, so to be quite frank I’m handling this on my own, and the load is getting heavier.

 

why the hell am I putting this on the internet, if thats not a cry for help.

Well done for getting all of that down in writing, that can't have been easy.

 

What you've been through sounds pretty traumatic, you have every right to be upset and angry and whatever else you are about these things. Those who lost their lives were obviously in dark places but that does not diminish your suffering as a result of their actions. Your feelings are completely valid and acknowledging that is important. 

 

Clearly this is all a burden on you and sharing it here is a good step. That said, it sounds like you know you need to talk to someone about this and share the burden. I can't speak for anyone else but I can't help but think your wife would want to help you get through this. 

 

If you're not there yet, try and speak to your GP about it.

 

Alternatively, there is peer to peer support group called Andy's Man Club (here) that meets every Monday up and down the country. I've been a few times and it has really helped. Blokes have spoken about bereavements, relationships, issues with themselves, all sorts. Might be a good way for you to start sharing in a supportive environment.

 

Keep going mate, and let us know how you get on. I'm rooting for you.

 

Edited 21 January by ajthefox

[Zear0]

4 hours ago, Thefox81 said:

Thank you all for your messages. Going to get my head down but will get back to you all. Thank you

Hope you're feeling better as it sounds like you're having a really rough time of it.

 

This place is great for a vent and to get things off your chest, but if things don't improve please find someone who knows there stuff to talk about this stuff through your doctor or the mental health charities.

[Trav Le Bleu]

2 hours ago, HighPeakFox said:

So much respect to you - what you are asked to do is horrific, and I think it unlikely that any of us will judge you for your responses, none of which is entirely within your control.

 

I dare not advise much - but I suspect opening up to your wife might be the most important step.

This 100%. I'm guessing you @Balders65 want to protect her against the horrors you experience and that's understandable, but when you're in a partnership, that's what it is, a sharing of everything. You might be surprised.

 

No need to go into the details, just maybe let her know you're suffering. 

 

I'd say this too to @Thefox81, though you have different circumstances.

 

A lot of it is trying to get your head around the terrible things that might happen very possibly won't happen. This is what hampers me, but getting better at it.

 

Again, anyone who wants to chat privately, feel free to DM me.

[Wymsey]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-68105040

 

People should never have to do the worse thing possible, despite multiple personal pleas in asking professionals for mental health support..

Edited 27 January by Wymsey

[Thefox81]

Thanks everyone for your messages. In a better place at the moment after being refered to a councillor. Stopped drinking and just taking it daily step by step. Just wanted to say thank you all.

[Parafox]

On 27/01/2024 at 09:22, Wymsey said:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-68105040

 

People should never have to do the worse thing possible, despite multiple personal pleas in asking professionals for mental health support..

We are currently going through something similar although our daughter hasn't done the final deed but has made numerous threats. 

 

We have contacted the GP, (nothing they can do unless she presents with injury or illness at their door),the police, (nothing they can do either unless she is a threat to herself or others) the MH services, (same) the crisis team (same). We have done it just so there is evidence that we have asked, pleaded for help if it comes to the worst and there is an inquest.

 

If nothing else, we've done our best. What any of the services do or don't do, is on their conscience. Not that they have one. People like this are just a problem that needs to be moved on or ignored.

Edited 30 January by Parafox

[Trav Le Bleu]

Elmo responds to outpouring of angst on social media

 

Think this was kinda nice.

[Greg2607]

Jason Bourne seems to be having a bad time of it at the minute, based on his twitter posts.  I'm not saying it's depression as he hasn't intimated as such, but if anyone knows him personally, might be worth being a friend and checking in on him. 

[urban.spaceman]

Got a big deadline for a job application due tomorrow, one that would be life-changing if I got it and one that I actually believe I could get and think I would actually be good at. But I haven't even started it yet. Can't seem to bring myself to open it.

[HighPeakFox]

8 minutes ago, urban.spaceman said:

Got a big deadline for a job application due tomorrow, one that would be life-changing if I got it and one that I actually believe I could get and think I would actually be good at. But I haven't even started it yet. Can't seem to bring myself to open it.

Do it, write something down - anything.

[kenny]

34 minutes ago, urban.spaceman said:

Got a big deadline for a job application due tomorrow, one that would be life-changing if I got it and one that I actually believe I could get and think I would actually be good at. But I haven't even started it yet. Can't seem to bring myself to open it.

Give chat gpt a go at answering the questions. It might give you the inspiration to get started.

[leicsmac]

Sort of a crosspost from the Job Hunting thread, apologies for that.

 

Filled out three figures worth of applications and had two interviews so far, and got rejected from the second of them yesterday.

 

Getting knocked back this many times is having a negative effect on my mental health. I know other people claim otherwise, but to me the professional job market in Leicestershire that doesn't involve NHS, teaching or niche work for which you already need 5-10 years experience seems utterly saturated. Relocating again is out of the question.

 

I don't know if there's any specific advice folks might offer, but I think I just wanted to vent for the sake of my own sanity. Just don't know what more I can do and really could do with a win on this matter.

[ClaphamFox]

2 hours ago, leicsmac said:

Sort of a crosspost from the Job Hunting thread, apologies for that.

 

Filled out three figures worth of applications and had two interviews so far, and got rejected from the second of them yesterday.

 

Getting knocked back this many times is having a negative effect on my mental health. I know other people claim otherwise, but to me the professional job market in Leicestershire that doesn't involve NHS, teaching or niche work for which you already need 5-10 years experience seems utterly saturated. Relocating again is out of the question.

 

I don't know if there's any specific advice folks might offer, but I think I just wanted to vent for the sake of my own sanity. Just don't know what more I can do and really could do with a win on this matter.

That's a tough situation and I sympathise. It's very frustrating when you're getting knocked back and just need somebody to give you a chance.

 

I hesitate to offer advice because I'm sure you've already considered all options, but how necessary is it that your job is in Leicestershire? Would commuting a bit further be feasible? Is your industry office-based or is there much scope for working from home? I live in a village in Oxfordshire but commute to London twice a week. In my village I know people who work in the Midlands, Buckinghamshire and further afield. I think these days it's fairly typical for people to work further from home, especially if there is a hybrid working situation on offer which means you can stay at home for part of the week. It doesn't surprise me to hear that the Leicestershire job market doesn't offer much breadth...

 

[leicsmac]

1 hour ago, ClaphamFox said:

That's a tough situation and I sympathise. It's very frustrating when you're getting knocked back and just need somebody to give you a chance.

 

I hesitate to offer advice because I'm sure you've already considered all options, but how necessary is it that your job is in Leicestershire? Would commuting a bit further be feasible? Is your industry office-based or is there much scope for working from home? I live in a village in Oxfordshire but commute to London twice a week. In my village I know people who work in the Midlands, Buckinghamshire and further afield. I think these days it's fairly typical for people to work further from home, especially if there is a hybrid working situation on offer which means you can stay at home for part of the week. It doesn't surprise me to hear that the Leicestershire job market doesn't offer much breadth...

 

Firstly, I appreciate the sympathy! It is deeply frustrating, yeah.

 

I think a commute further afield would work (particularly with a hybrid arrangement), but seeing as for the time being I am limited to using public transport, it would be something I'd have to plan around pretty carefully, at least until I get driving over here. My industry appears to offer a lot of scope for remote work which is good, but I think I would still be limited by location somewhat.

[Xen]

4 hours ago, leicsmac said:

Sort of a crosspost from the Job Hunting thread, apologies for that.

 

Filled out three figures worth of applications and had two interviews so far, and got rejected from the second of them yesterday.

 

Getting knocked back this many times is having a negative effect on my mental health. I know other people claim otherwise, but to me the professional job market in Leicestershire that doesn't involve NHS, teaching or niche work for which you already need 5-10 years experience seems utterly saturated. Relocating again is out of the question.

 

I don't know if there's any specific advice folks might offer, but I think I just wanted to vent for the sake of my own sanity. Just don't know what more I can do and really could do with a win on this matter.

What sort of industry are you in, if I may ask?

The Civil Service is probably a good place to look, if you haven't already. Most jobs are at the very least hybrid, or possible to work from any/most department locations. I'm with HMRC and my partner with DWP, and both of us could work pretty much anywhere in the country without too much bother. We're in Manchester, but if I was back in Leicester I could WFH 2-3 days a week and head to Nottingham for my office days, for instance. There's a definite knack to the CS applications, quite different from most other employers (a very specific focus on a selection of Civil Service 'behaviours', with marking criteria for each grade level).

Good job security and a lot better support for things like mental health and personal development than at any previous employer I've had. 

[leicsmac]

4 minutes ago, Xen said:

What sort of industry are you in, if I may ask?

The Civil Service is probably a good place to look, if you haven't already. Most jobs are at the very least hybrid, or possible to work from any/most department locations. I'm with HMRC and my partner with DWP, and both of us could work pretty much anywhere in the country without too much bother. We're in Manchester, but if I was back in Leicester I could WFH 2-3 days a week and head to Nottingham for my office days, for instance. There's a definite knack to the CS applications, quite different from most other employers (a very specific focus on a selection of Civil Service 'behaviours', with marking criteria for each grade level).

Good job security and a lot better support for things like mental health and personal development than at any previous employer I've had. 

Science communication, though I've been looking for most jobs that involve presentation of information in a clear and easy to understand manner, as well as general office administration.

 

I've looked at a few Civil Service jobs - no luck yet, as you say, there appears to be a knack to it that I need to learn more about.

[MPH]

6 hours ago, leicsmac said:

Sort of a crosspost from the Job Hunting thread, apologies for that.

 

Filled out three figures worth of applications and had two interviews so far, and got rejected from the second of them yesterday.

 

Getting knocked back this many times is having a negative effect on my mental health. I know other people claim otherwise, but to me the professional job market in Leicestershire that doesn't involve NHS, teaching or niche work for which you already need 5-10 years experience seems utterly saturated. Relocating again is out of the question.

 

I don't know if there's any specific advice folks might offer, but I think I just wanted to vent for the sake of my own sanity. Just don't know what more I can do and really could do with a win on this matter.

 

 

The absolute hopelessness you feel in that situation is horrible.  its very discouraging and to fight back against the despair is difficult.  it got scary for me as it got very close to not being able to pay the rent at all...I hate you are in this situation and we can only offer advice based on our  limited knowledge of your situation.

 

Have you thought about enlisting the help of an expert  who specializes on writing resumes/CVs? It's possible you are  entering the stage where you're happy to branch out into areas just outside  of your expertise and you might need to tailor your resume for that field so that skills you might have  that might attain to a particular field.. i know one guy who had 4 different resumes  that would highlight different skills  depending on the job he was looking for. He ended up with several job offers. Also, you are clearly a very intelligent person and i  wonder, could it be possible that some bosses are intimidated by that? or could they think that there is no way they'd be able to keep you long term? You might have to dumb yourself down a little bit for any interviews. Obviously,  ive never had to do that  

 

Have you thought about applying  for a job to lead  a charity with a focus on environmental impact? I know thats a cause that's very dear to you and to combine something you care about with a job could be a winner for you.

 

Anyway, don't give up and don't give in to the despair. it will happen!

[Trav Le Bleu]

 

14 minutes ago, MPH said:

 

 

The absolute hopelessness you feel in that situation is horrible.  its very discouraging and to fight back against the despair is difficult.  it got scary for me as it got very close to not being able to pay the rent at all...I hate you are in this situation and we can only offer advice based on our  limited knowledge of your situation.

 

Have you thought about enlisting the help of an expert  who specializes on writing resumes/CVs? It's possible you are  entering the stage where you're happy to branch out into areas just outside  of your expertise and you might need to tailor your resume for that field so that skills you might have  that might attain to a particular field.. i know one guy who had 4 different resumes  that would highlight different skills  depending on the job he was looking for. He ended up with several job offers. Also, you are clearly a very intelligent person and i  wonder, could it be possible that some bosses are intimidated by that? or could they think that there is no way they'd be able to keep you long term? You might have to dumb yourself down a little bit for any interviews. Obviously,  ive never had to do that  

 

Have you thought about applying  for a job to lead  a charity with a focus on environmental impact? I know thats a cause that's very dear to you and to combine something you care about with a job could be a winner for you.

 

Anyway, don't give up and don't give in to the despair. it will happen!

A wise man once told me that The Lost Book of Herbal Remedies by Nicole Apelian and Claude Davis was a source of salves for all kinds of maladies of body and spirit.

[Trav Le Bleu]

16 minutes ago, MPH said:

 

It's possible you are  entering the stage where you're happy to branch out into areas just outside  of your expertise and you might need to tailor your resume for that field so that skills you might have  that might attain to a particular field.

How long you been in the US now?

[MPH]

Just now, Trav Le Bleu said:

How long you been in the US now?

 

12 years!

[Trav Le Bleu]

1 hour ago, Xen said:

What sort of industry are you in, if I may ask?

The Civil Service is probably a good place to look, if you haven't already. Most jobs are at the very least hybrid, or possible to work from any/most department locations. I'm with HMRC and my partner with DWP, and both of us could work pretty much anywhere in the country without too much bother. We're in Manchester, but if I was back in Leicester I could WFH 2-3 days a week and head to Nottingham for my office days, for instance. There's a definite knack to the CS applications, quite different from most other employers (a very specific focus on a selection of Civil Service 'behaviours', with marking criteria for each grade level).

Good job security and a lot better support for things like mental health and personal development than at any previous employer I've had. 

Pfft, you're both spies!