Depression

[HighPeakFox]

59 minutes ago, LiberalFox said:

Culture war stuff seems everywhere and just makes me feel increasingly misanthropic. I'm getting banned from topics simply for stating my feelings which makes me feel victimised. In turn it makes me just feel like I don't give a shit about people who I don't know unless they've shown they actually have empathy. I'd probably get banned if I named names (if this doesn't get removed) but there's a number of long term posters who I've basically completely lost respect for. Coupled with my general feelings towards football I wonder what the point of being here is. Does anyone feel that way too? I'm trying to work out if I'm just no longer in any way culturally aligned with this place or if other people feel the same way. 

DM me, and there will be countless other good people willing to talk and listen. 

[MPH]

2 hours ago, LiberalFox said:

Culture war stuff seems everywhere and just makes me feel increasingly misanthropic. I'm getting banned from topics simply for stating my feelings which makes me feel victimised. In turn it makes me just feel like I don't give a shit about people who I don't know unless they've shown they actually have empathy. I'd probably get banned if I named names (if this doesn't get removed) but there's a number of long term posters who I've basically completely lost respect for. Coupled with my general feelings towards football I wonder what the point of being here is. Does anyone feel that way too? I'm trying to work out if I'm just no longer in any way culturally aligned with this place or if other people feel the same way. 

 

this is a very tough one to answer. In many ways we can expect there to be differences- there is no broader spectrum of cultural differences than a fan base - you can just look round the crowd on match day to see the diversity but  that should never result in anyone being belittled or humiliated in who they are. Never feel  afraid to report someone here who belittles you for who you are or what you believe. 
 

If this is linked to the conversations I saw yesterday/ today then I can only say… look how far we have come as a fan base and society within the last 20 years.  We are talking and discussing things that were considered.  ‘more taboo’ but there is so much more legitimacy added to lifestyle choices now than there ever was. Are we getting there as quickly as we would all like? Maybe not.. but we’ve come so far and we will go even further.

 

Have patience, friend. You can and are making a difference in how society views each other.  Stand tall!

[Trav Le Bleu]

2 hours ago, LiberalFox said:

Culture war stuff seems everywhere and just makes me feel increasingly misanthropic. I'm getting banned from topics simply for stating my feelings which makes me feel victimised. In turn it makes me just feel like I don't give a shit about people who I don't know unless they've shown they actually have empathy. I'd probably get banned if I named names (if this doesn't get removed) but there's a number of long term posters who I've basically completely lost respect for. Coupled with my general feelings towards football I wonder what the point of being here is. Does anyone feel that way too? I'm trying to work out if I'm just no longer in any way culturally aligned with this place or if other people feel the same way. 

Since you're liberal fox, you probably have centrist views? The problem of walking the (usually quite sensible, if not too exciting) middle ground is that people leaning to the left or right, which is by far the majority (people love an extreme!), on the right they'll think you're a leftie commie and on the left they'll think you're a right wing fascist.

 

As @HighPeakFox says, DM me if you need to vent

[leatherhead32]

2 hours ago, LiberalFox said:

Culture war stuff seems everywhere and just makes me feel increasingly misanthropic. I'm getting banned from topics simply for stating my feelings which makes me feel victimised. In turn it makes me just feel like I don't give a shit about people who I don't know unless they've shown they actually have empathy. I'd probably get banned if I named names (if this doesn't get removed) but there's a number of long term posters who I've basically completely lost respect for. Coupled with my general feelings towards football I wonder what the point of being here is. Does anyone feel that way too? I'm trying to work out if I'm just no longer in any way culturally aligned with this place or if other people feel the same way. 

many of us get like this LF but you and rest on us have our own ideas shaped as a rule by what we have experienced , we should try and listen absorb think then reply or not whatever you feel best at that time , its good not to be shallow but try and not get too deep as that can make your points harder to get across , go rest your feet av a cuppa and take deep breaths and yes i know thats easy and boring to read but it can help . i can assure you loads feel the same way . all the best.

[Zear0]

2 hours ago, LiberalFox said:

Culture war stuff seems everywhere and just makes me feel increasingly misanthropic. I'm getting banned from topics simply for stating my feelings which makes me feel victimised. In turn it makes me just feel like I don't give a shit about people who I don't know unless they've shown they actually have empathy. I'd probably get banned if I named names (if this doesn't get removed) but there's a number of long term posters who I've basically completely lost respect for. Coupled with my general feelings towards football I wonder what the point of being here is. Does anyone feel that way too? I'm trying to work out if I'm just no longer in any way culturally aligned with this place or if other people feel the same way. 

Stick with it mate. Agree that some areas here have basically become infested with the Twitter incels and I'm willfully giving certain topics a wide berth as I CBA anymore.

 

I always look out for your posts so hopefully it doesn't keep you away for too long. Never forget the miracle that is "ignore user" button

[Trav Le Bleu]

Could someone tell me what Zear0 just said?

[Zear0]

9 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Could someone tell me what Zear0 just said?

Wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

[Trav Le Bleu]

I actually don't have anyone on ignore, I get quite amused by morons. (They know who they are! (Actually, they don't, which can be part of the problem ))

 

I wonder if Mark would ever care to compile a list of which users are on the most people's ignore list.

 

 

Edited 22 March by Trav Le Bleu

[BKLFox]

I’d say most of us on here are in the same boat the constant jibes, petty and bitterness & hijacking of threads becomes very boring very quickly which shows as you only have to look at any 1 of the separate headers and see a lack of posts.

There was a time every thread was being posted on no matter what time of day I’d login and see every thread bold with new posts now it’s becoming like a tired high street with its shops shutting down.

 

Think we all need to go back to basics, relearn the art of conversation and debating & less of the vitriol & one-upmanship seeking, We lose so many threads due to people’s needs to stick the knife in.

I’m the least political person you could meet but a lot seem to love it but the threads been pulled some many times because it could no longer be debated, it became a salivation about Tory ineptness with links posted within seconds of some Tory quote or economic downturn followed by the belittling of anyone who dare go against the mob, they are marked as gammons or what ever the cool word of the time is, this drives posters away.

 

What is it about the UK that posters hate so much and has them wishing they were in another country, without really knowing what’s happening in most countries of choice. I often hear that posters seem to believe the UK’s small on the world stage and has become a laughing stock but is that a reality or personal perception’s because of the hate for the current government?

Yes compared to the spending power of the US we are tiny as are 99% of the worlds countries but I bet the people of Ukraine aren’t laughing at us leading the fight in support or those stuck after some natural disaster using our search and rescue teams etc etc

When the US need an ally to fight / support along side them you bet they choose the UK 1st not because of the longstanding friendship but because they know they will get full support and the calibre of the forces (people you and me) remember it’s not the size of the weapon but how it’s used the majority of the UK forces are better trained than the majority of the US forces.

We constantly see technological, medical & scientific breakthroughs coming out of the UK but never lorded on here, we’d rather pick up on some random headline that Brexit is stopping these types of advancements then when proven to be a bending of the truth it’s tumble weed time.

The UK is still a great country and if you let the Tories out of your heads, get a little positivity & happiness into your lives, leave the things you can’t control and just focus on what you can it’ll seem a much greener place.

 

Let’s not wait for the election & a change of government to lighten & lift the mood on here, we control what we say let’s do it ourselves!

 

 

PS,  Fish puns, the constant jibes about injuries, fax machines, transfer dealings, spelling and grammar also not cool guys 😂 

[HighPeakFox]

1 hour ago, BKLFox said:

I’d say most of us on here are in the same boat the constant jibes, petty and bitterness & hijacking of threads becomes very boring very quickly which shows as you only have to look at any 1 of the separate headers and see a lack of posts.

There was a time every thread was being posted on no matter what time of day I’d login and see every thread bold with new posts now it’s becoming like a tired high street with its shops shutting down.

 

Think we all need to go back to basics, relearn the art of conversation and debating & less of the vitriol & one-upmanship seeking, We lose so many threads due to people’s needs to stick the knife in.

I’m the least political person you could meet but a lot seem to love it but the threads been pulled some many times because it could no longer be debated, it became a salivation about Tory ineptness with links posted within seconds of some Tory quote or economic downturn followed by the belittling of anyone who dare go against the mob, they are marked as gammons or what ever the cool word of the time is, this drives posters away.

 

What is it about the UK that posters hate so much and has them wishing they were in another country, without really knowing what’s happening in most countries of choice. I often hear that posters seem to believe the UK’s small on the world stage and has become a laughing stock but is that a reality or personal perception’s because of the hate for the current government?

Yes compared to the spending power of the US we are tiny as are 99% of the worlds countries but I bet the people of Ukraine aren’t laughing at us leading the fight in support or those stuck after some natural disaster using our search and rescue teams etc etc

When the US need an ally to fight / support along side them you bet they choose the UK 1st not because of the longstanding friendship but because they know they will get full support and the calibre of the forces (people you and me) remember it’s not the size of the weapon but how it’s used the majority of the UK forces are better trained than the majority of the US forces.

We constantly see technological, medical & scientific breakthroughs coming out of the UK but never lorded on here, we’d rather pick up on some random headline that Brexit is stopping these types of advancements then when proven to be a bending of the truth it’s tumble weed time.

The UK is still a great country and if you let the Tories out of your heads, get a little positivity & happiness into your lives, leave the things you can’t control and just focus on what you can it’ll seem a much greener place.

 

Let’s not wait for the election & a change of government to lighten & lift the mood on here, we control what we say let’s do it ourselves!

 

 

PS,  Fish puns, the constant jibes about injuries, fax machines, transfer dealings, spelling and grammar also not cool guys 😂 

I don't think this post belongs in this thread, with the greatest of respect. 

[LiberalFox]

I really appreciate the replies. I rarely take people up on the offer of a private conversation but it's very nice to feel like I matter. Particularly appreciate people letting me know they don't consider me some sort of troublemaker or extremist.

[murphy]

I dipped into this thread because I am feeling at my lowest ever ebb.  For me however, there is a reason which I don't really want to go into and compounded by my own stupidity, so it is not really the same as depression, I think.  Anyway, I just wanted to say that this thread has put a knot in my stomach and I have very little to contribute other than I just want to say, to everyone who is struggling that I really wish you all well.

 

[HighPeakFox]

1 hour ago, murphy said:

I dipped into this thread because I am feeling at my lowest ever ebb.  For me however, there is a reason which I don't really want to go into and compounded by my own stupidity, so it is not really the same as depression, I think.  Anyway, I just wanted to say that this thread has put a knot in my stomach and I have very little to contribute other than I just want to say, to everyone who is struggling that I really wish you all well.

 

I wish you well too, and I'm sure others do too. 

[Trav Le Bleu]

3 hours ago, murphy said:

I dipped into this thread because I am feeling at my lowest ever ebb.  For me however, there is a reason which I don't really want to go into and compounded by my own stupidity, so it is not really the same as depression, I think.  Anyway, I just wanted to say that this thread has put a knot in my stomach and I have very little to contribute other than I just want to say, to everyone who is struggling that I really wish you all well.

 

The thing is, so many people don't realise they're depressed. Just because there's a reason you're not feeling good about life, even a reason created by yourself, doesn't mean you're not depressed.

 

Take care mate.

[ian__marshall]

Really struggling at the moment. Can see why so many guy's between 40-50 see no way out. Literally everything around me at the moment is falling to pieces and I'm feeling very overwhelmed and completely out of my depth not knowing where to turn or who can help me.

 

I'm facing many issues all stacked on top of each other some of which I can not control. I'm not going to pretend that on reflection I haven't made some silly mistakes (nothing financial or relationship based) but they were genuine ones that were outside of my scope of knowledge and are now creating a hole so deep I can't really see a way out. 

 

Ordinarily I would have picked up with my psychiatrist but apart from being someone to offload onto I don't think even he can direct me this time. 

 

If I didn't have a young child who absolutely adores me (and who I love beyond all imagination) I'd seriously be contemplating bringing it all to an end. Fact is, for me personally it'd be a selfish act and I realise the lasting impact such action would have on them so I don't think it's viable despite how I'm feeling. 

 

That said my mind is completely consumed by my troubles and there's not been one minute of the day for the last 6 months that my issues haven't tormented me. I'm struggling to sleep and most nights find myself shedding a tear or two wondering how to get myself out of this mess. When I do eventually get to sleep I inevitably awake at 3am again consumed with the same thoughts, pondering how to solve the problems I'm facing and can't get back to sleep. 

 

I've just changed jobs too so do not have the luxury of taking some time out as I'm on probation and so even if the business were understanding and supportive enough not to release me I'm only entitled to statutory sick pay which would add further minor problems. 

 

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this on a forum amongst people I don't know or how I'm supposed to end this post but I suppose just getting things off my chest a little is somewhat helpful rather than bottling it all up inside. 

[leatherhead32]

have a young child who absolutely adores me (..... FOCUS ON THIS please and keep repeating it.  you  will be fine in time.

[spacemunky]

15 hours ago, ian__marshall said:

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this on a forum amongst people I don't know or how I'm supposed to end this post but I suppose just getting things off my chest a little is somewhat helpful rather than bottling it all up inside. 

In the very least, I hope it did.

 

I could have written almost the same as you and I've started to on several occasions, but I have trouble translating my thoughts into any sort of intelligible form.

 

Best thoughts and wishes for you mate.

 

 

 

 

[Parafox]

My daughter, who i have posted about earl

On 19/03/2024 at 19:39, Parafox said:

I hope it's ok to post an email I had from my daughter a while back that I've just re-discovered. It might give an insight into her MH and maybe others can relate to. Readers and posters on this topic will know I've posted before regarding my daughter

 

It's sensitive but quite revealing about bi-polar and the mood swings with and without meds.

 

The punctuation and spelling aren't great but it's a stream of consciousness written describing what, at the time. she was feeling and thinking:

 

i want to explain as i struggle so much to tell people the reality of my life . And i know u dont understand me . Right now my moods so angry i keep being not nice to (name removed) half of my brain tells me to be nice and to stop but i just cant theirs no stop button , last 2 -3 days ive switched from feeling low to being very angry, am eating slight bits but not enough i know , i feel like blitzing money which i have done this week , im angry irritated dont feel the need to sleep as much i feel uncontrolable being either nasty or shouting and abusing people i just cant stop i was up the other day for 24 hours i didnt feel the need to sleep i was up last night another 3 times i now again dont feel like sleeping ive tried to eat but i still dont feel the need . last few weeks ive gone from suicidal down wanting to harm myself which u know i have . i also no0w feel like i want to sleep around . its like in my head at times its my world . part of me says charlottes just trying to be me . that shes attension seeking the other part of me is saying part of me saying just support her i send messages of support not long follwed by messages that arent supportive . my angry mood is coming out on everyone . . i just cant stop . i sit here wrighting this angry  i know im snapping at anybody and everybody . . i dont feel the need to sleep proboly another night like the night befiore atleast the mitazipine sent me to sleep . when i felt low i just wanted to be alone i cried i self harmed  i rewally felt why i canmt live with this head i cant live a normal life my moods change and can last for weeks i can just never stay stable no matter how hard i try, my highs tell me im getting their im ready for work fulltime but sometimes my constentration just isnt their i feel that good that i sometimes feel others arent as pretty as me as if im better than everyone i take the piss at these times to i look in the mirror and see a diffrent person take pictures and feel overly confident about my apprenace, on a low i obsesse about features of myself think im fat and ugly compare my self to people hu on a high i feel im better than. on a high i walk down thje street with say (name removed) and (name removed) and think yep their ugly they aint got shit on me and also on a low i then compare myself to the same people  and think their then better than me i look in the mirror and see diffrent people i  have so much confidence on a high i literaally can and do acheive alot on a low i cant seem to acheive anything o much confidence on a low i have no confidence on a low i feel i cant acheive anything i acheived when i was ona high  i can get very frustated by my moods changing.  on a high i can do so much i keep the flat so clean can do anything feels so diffrent to a low were iev feel simple tasks like hygeine a real struggle and can be very neglectful of myself and my home . no matter how hard i try my moods effect alot of things i always wish to be normal i see others my age working having familys getting married getting engaged i struggle with all relationships i really struggle to deal with them. on a high i can and do get myself into trouble i do things that i know i shouldnt do and are also degrading to myself but dont think about the consequences they dont even enter my head . towards the ends of a high i can get very tired and feel as i havent stopped which i think is proboly the case i feel the need for little sleep and am on the go my mind races from thought to thought and i also become obessed . on a high i dont seem to see danger (name removed) used to say i would thrive ion dangerous situations when im high . on a high my life gets better im so hopeful about life i push myself but struggle to meet everything ive done and stryuggle to carry on with what i was doing when i was on a high on a high i can feel very sexually active were on a low i wont feel the need atall . . my life can never stay stable no matter what . my pregancy with (name removed) i thought on more than one occasion that i didnt want to live thankfully i didnt do what i had planned but the same suicidal thought were their i cant rember if i ever self harmed when i  was pregnaunt  with  (name removed) shortly after i becaame withdrawn from (name removed) i fekt irritable i began self harming and drinking i went down hill pretty fast. after(name removed) preganancy i felt alot more stable it was so diffrent to (name removed) after giving birth to evie i felt very high after an hour if not less i had had a shower put my make-up on attended to (name removed) and was folding clothes very motherly ! so it seemed id tpook well to motherhood this time i stayed high for a few more weeks i can remember (name removed) saying calm down you have just had a baby i seeked help from my counciller before (name removed) was 3 months old i can remember drinking abit with (name removed) when the kids were asleep i started to smoke weed again i was also sleeping around with men again . i thene moved to xxxx where things drastically went down hill again i started drinking not alot at the start i felt so down and alone i then went on to royally **** things up i had brief okay days mostly bad from what i remember i was self harming again i was not coping i did however report not feeling great to social no help was offered i continued  to go down hill i watched as my life went from bad to worse 

 

 

And that there, is a person spilling her feelings, her struggles, her moods and how her MH had taken over most of her daily life, her relationships, her fear in admitting and recognising her struggles but feeling unable to do anything because her MH is the driving force for everything she thinks and feels and does. 

 

The telling thing, among other issues is in her last sentence. "no help was offered".

 

An update... She was sectioned yesterday and is currently in a secure MHU. We're not sure what brought this about but apparently the police and MHU professionals were involved following concerns raised by the crisis team and her MH team after neighbours made complaints about her behaviour and our own calls to them a few weeks ago, when we realised she was spiralling downwards. 

 

We went to her flat to get things she needed and frankly, it was a tip, again. Just self neglect. No effort to look after herself. Food waste, general  debris all over. No evidence of any cleaning routine. Just so, so sad to see how she has been living even though we've been before and cleared all her waste  and rubbish, hoping that might initiate something within her to continue to keep her flat a decent place to live in. It clearly didn't because she is in that deep trough of depression that nothing is worth caring about, except her beloved cat and he has everything he needs because he, in her mind is her only friend and companion.

 

She can't understand why she has been sectioned and thinks that there is no justification for her being there. She has been irrational and psychotic for months and now, hopefully, she will get some proper support and involvement from the MH professionals that she has needed but not received, for so long.

 

I feel despair. I have no doubt that she will be discharged from hospital after she has recovered and been deemed safe to go home, but I know from previous experience that any stability is unlikely to be long term.

 

 A year at best down the line and we'll be back here again.

 

Like so many other illnesses, MH is incurable but unlike those other illnesses, it isn't a priority for proactive treatment.

 

Friends say we are remarkable people to still be here, together, not giving up. To us, albeit she is our adopted daughter she is someone we love and care deeply about and we'd never give up trying to make her life better.

 

20 or so years of  us trying to manage and understand and adapt and forgive and move on from the turmoil and heartbreak and stress she has caused through no fault of her own because she is after all, unwell has really taken it's toll on us. But as I've said before in previous posts, we carry on because without us, we people who care for our loved ones, who else is there?

 

Edited 27 March by Parafox

[LiberalFox]

Sorry to hear that. I hope she gets the immediate care she needs.

 

 

[FoyleFox]

I hope that your daughter receives the care that she needs. And, that it also brings you some sense of peace that's she's in a safe space. I'm uncertain if those are the most appropriate descriptions to use. I can't imagine the stress you've been going through @Parafox

Edited 27 March by FoyleFox

[FoxesDeb]

I need to write this somewhere, partly to let those of you who have noticed I haven't been around lately the reason why, and partly just to write it somewhere I suppose.

 

My youngest son died last month, he was 20 years old and he took his own life completely unexpectedly. He had absolutely everything to live for, a job he loved, a girlfriend who was besotted with him and him with her, a loving family, and it's completely broken me. Everyone thinks their kids are great, but a funnier, kinder, well mannered and level headed young lad you could not hope to meet.

 

I don't see the point in anything anymore really, and if it wasn't for my husband and other son and daughter I would have already left to be with him. I live about 500m from the sea and the temptation to just walk into it is almost overwhelming at times, I feel so sad that he's on his own,  I'm so angry with him for leaving me like this, and I miss him immeasurably. Every parent has moments wondering what it must be like to lose a child, and it's absolutely horrific.

 

The way I view everything has changed, I can't listen to music, can't watch things on TV that might bring any kind of reminder, and what I do try to watch as a distraction I'm not really watching, I'm just thinking about his last moments, what he must have been thinking and feeling, wondering all sorts of awful things really.

 

F1 was our thing together and I can't bear to see any mention of it anywhere, I can't watch our games because it just seems so frivolous and reminds me of all the times my son and I spent together at the KP, I can't look at his photos, the list is endless and I don't know if it will ever be any better than this. Everything just seems so completely pointless. My daughter shares the same birthday as him, this November she will turn 18 on the same day he would have turned 21, what a fvcking day that's going to be.

 

We all think these things happen to other people, until they happen to us. If anyone here has been through similar you have my complete sympathy, hopefully it doesn't feel like this forever but I can't imagine when it will change, and then I also feel guilty for not wanting to feel like this forever. However awful I might have previously imagined something like this to be was absolutely nowhere remotely close to how it actually feels, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[jgtuk]

2 minutes ago, FoxesDeb said:

I need to write this somewhere, partly to let those of you who have noticed I haven't been around lately the reason why, and partly just to write it somewhere I suppose.

 

My youngest son died last month, he was 20 years old and he took his own life completely unexpectedly. He had absolutely everything to live for, a job he loved, a girlfriend who was besotted with him and him with her, a loving family, and it's completely broken me. Everyone thinks their kids are great, but a funnier, kinder, well mannered and level headed young lad you could not hope to meet.

 

I don't see the point in anything anymore really, and if it wasn't for my husband and other son and daughter I would have already left to be with him. I live about 500m from the sea and the temptation to just walk into it is almost overwhelming at times, I feel so sad that he's on his own,  I'm so angry with him for leaving me like this, and I miss him immeasurably. Every parent has moments wondering what it must be like to lose a child, and it's absolutely horrific.

 

The way I view everything has changed, I can't listen to music, can't watch things on TV that might bring any kind of reminder, and what I do try to watch as a distraction I'm not really watching, I'm just thinking about his last moments, what he must have been thinking and feeling, wondering all sorts of awful things really.

 

F1 was our thing together and I can't bear to see any mention of it anywhere, I can't watch our games because it just seems so frivolous and reminds me of all the times my son and I spent together at the KP, I can't look at his photos, the list is endless and I don't know if it will ever be any better than this. Everything just seems so completely pointless. My daughter shares the same birthday as him, this November she will turn 18 on the same day he would have turned 21, what a fvcking day that's going to be.

 

We all think these things happen to other people, until they happen to us. If anyone here has been through similar you have my complete sympathy, hopefully it doesn't feel like this forever but I can't imagine when it will change, and then I also feel guilty for not wanting to feel like this forever. However awful I might have previously imagined something like this to be was absolutely nowhere remotely close to how it actually feels, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s so terrible, I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling. I have no words to add as they would be inadequate. Please take care. 

[Izzy]

34 minutes ago, FoxesDeb said:

I need to write this somewhere, partly to let those of you who have noticed I haven't been around lately the reason why, and partly just to write it somewhere I suppose.

 

My youngest son died last month, he was 20 years old and he took his own life completely unexpectedly. He had absolutely everything to live for, a job he loved, a girlfriend who was besotted with him and him with her, a loving family, and it's completely broken me. Everyone thinks their kids are great, but a funnier, kinder, well mannered and level headed young lad you could not hope to meet.

 

I don't see the point in anything anymore really, and if it wasn't for my husband and other son and daughter I would have already left to be with him. I live about 500m from the sea and the temptation to just walk into it is almost overwhelming at times, I feel so sad that he's on his own,  I'm so angry with him for leaving me like this, and I miss him immeasurably. Every parent has moments wondering what it must be like to lose a child, and it's absolutely horrific.

 

The way I view everything has changed, I can't listen to music, can't watch things on TV that might bring any kind of reminder, and what I do try to watch as a distraction I'm not really watching, I'm just thinking about his last moments, what he must have been thinking and feeling, wondering all sorts of awful things really.

 

F1 was our thing together and I can't bear to see any mention of it anywhere, I can't watch our games because it just seems so frivolous and reminds me of all the times my son and I spent together at the KP, I can't look at his photos, the list is endless and I don't know if it will ever be any better than this. Everything just seems so completely pointless. My daughter shares the same birthday as him, this November she will turn 18 on the same day he would have turned 21, what a fvcking day that's going to be.

 

We all think these things happen to other people, until they happen to us. If anyone here has been through similar you have my complete sympathy, hopefully it doesn't feel like this forever but I can't imagine when it will change, and then I also feel guilty for not wanting to feel like this forever. However awful I might have previously imagined something like this to be was absolutely nowhere remotely close to how it actually feels, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. 

 

Fvcking hell Deb. 

 

I don't even know what to say apart from you've got my number and I'm always here if you want to talk.

 

I hope the love and support of your family help you get through this.

 

Lots of love to you from me xx

 

[bovril]

I'm so sorry @FoxesDeb. I don't know what to say other than that I wish you and your family all the strength and love to get through this. 

[Trav Le Bleu]

I can only echo what others above have said. Feels like my deepest sympathy isn't deep enough

 

One thing I can say, while this hasn't happened to me, it has happened to a close friend and eventually, like her, after dark, dark days things will get gradually easier. 

 

Focus on your family and remember the happy times with your son. He didn't do this to punish you, or because you weren't a good enough mum and he didn't do it because he wanted you to be sad. The mind is a strange thing and sometimes is just like the flick of a switch, random chance, there's no one to blame.

 

Take care @FoxesDeb and look after yourself, your family need you and you need them.

Edited 30 March by Trav Le Bleu