The joke thread

[Izzy]

The wife texts me one cold, frosty, winters morning saying:

"WINDOWS FROZEN - WON'T OPEN!!!!

I texts back saying "Gently pour some luke warm water over the edges, then tap edges sharply with a hammer"

The wife texts back five minutes later saying:

"LAPTOP IS REALLY BUGGERED NOW"

[Tielemans63]

I was reading in the paper today about a dwarf who had his wallet stolen.

 

I just don't know how someone could stoop so low. 

Edited 27 September 2016 by Paddy.

[Aus Fox]

1 hour ago, Paddy. said:

I was reading in the paper today about a dwarf who had his wallet stolen.

 

I just don't know how people can stoop so low. 

I know what you mean mate, we had a dwarf at school, he was in all the bottom groups and really struggled with every aspect of schooling, lovely kid though.

Anyway, one day I turned up and he was being bullied by a bunch of older kids.

So I walked over and said 'what do you think your doing?'

they told me they were just having fun.

'Get out of here' I replied, 'think about what you are doing'.

'it's not big and it's not clever'

[Alf Bentley]

3 hours ago, Buce said:

Life is a lot like toilet paper.

 

You're either on a roll, or taking shit from some asshole.

 

Sometimes you might just be taking the piss out of some hairy cvnt.

[Carl the Llama]

Or absorbing some lonely guy's ejaculate.

[kingcarr21]

11 hours ago, Carl the Llama said:

Or absorbing some lonely guy's ejaculate.

And/or a married mans 

[Mayofox]

A man spots a sign outside a house "Talking Dog for Sale". Intrigued, he walks in. "So, tell me about yourself" he asks the dog.   "I've led a very full life" says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. Now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."     The man is amazed, and asks the dog's owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?".  The owner says, "Because he's such a liar! He never did any of that!"

[Parafox]

A doctor was examining a patient in A&E recently.

 

"And how did you manage to injure your testicles, sir"? asked the doctor.

 

"I was trying to shove them up my arse" the patient explained,

 

"Rectum" said the doctor

 

"Oh God, I haven't, have I"? The man exclaimed.

Edited 30 September 2016 by Parafox
Better version of my original post

[Countryfox]

New joke fodder on the pub bog wall ...

 

 

[Izzy]

I met a Chinese girl in a club and asked her for her number. 

She said Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight!!!

I said WOW! happy days!

Then her friend said no, she means 666 - 3629

[separator]

Hired a gardener today and gave him a list of things to do.

 

When I got back home he'd only done tasks 1,3 & 5.

 

Turns out he's an odd job man.

 

Edited 5 October 2016 by separator

[Izzy]

I went into a fancy dress shop to get a costume for a Halloween party. The shopkeeper goes out the back and returns with a Spurs kit. I said "sorry love you must have misunderstood. I said I want to look like a COUNT" 

[yorkie1999]

Mate just had his car broke into, he had 2 villa tickets on the dashboard. Scumbags smashed his window and left 2 more.

[MPH]

Just been on the news that Jonathan Ross got arrested for stealing kitchen utensils from Tescos! He just said it was a whisk he wanted to take...

[Aus Fox]

Absolutely gutted, just been sacked from my job. All I did was give my seat up so a blind lady could sit down.

Feck Arriva never wanted to work for them anyway!

[Buce]

Where do Irishmen grow?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a Paddy field

[Aus Fox]

Nothing pisses me off more than when my new neighbors take their dog for a walk and crap outside my house.

it's bad enough when the dog does it.

[Countryfox]

On 10/13/2016 at 19:29, Buce said:

Where do Irishmen grow?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a Paddy field

 

How the fook did you manage to get a rep point for that !!    

[Buce]

51 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

How the fook did you manage to get a rep point for that !!    

 

 

Maybe you should address that question to whoever repped it?

[Beliall]

4 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

 

Maybe you should address that question to whoever repped it?

I cant be held responsible for my actions. Diplomatic Immunity

[Countryfox]

7 hours ago, Buce said:

 

 

Maybe you should address that question to whoever repped it?

 

7 hours ago, Beliall said:

I cant be held responsible for my actions. Diplomatic Immunity

 

I getya ...    It's the you rep me I'll rep you club !!!    ....      Outrageous.    

[Countryfox]

And it's still a crap joke ...    So there !

[Beliall]

4 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

 

I getya ...    It's the you rep me I'll rep you club !!!    ....      Outrageous.    

You owe me 2

[Aus Fox]

Finally convinced the Mrs to try a three some, it was great, but at the end I felt like something was coming between us.

[GeorgeTheFox]

A Horse is sitting at home, watching MTV. He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

 

Yes, this is stolen from Reddit