The joke thread

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I really wanted to get fit so I bought a push bike.
I got half a mile down the road and it threw me off breaking my nose and gave me some nasty cuts and bruises. 
So I give up and went back to beer and burgers for a week.
Then got back on the bike and same thing happened again.
This went on for about 2 months 
I am starting to think it's just a vicious cycle.

[Izzy]

The instructions on my new deodorant stick say “remove lid and push up bottom”.

My farts smell nice but I'm having trouble walking.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

After finding 5 Mars bars, 3 Snickers, a Flake and a packet of M&M's, I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a Bounty hunter....

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I need a password eight characters long .... so I picked Snow White and the seven dwarfs 

[TiffToff88]

1 hour ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

I need a password eight characters long .... so I picked Snow White and the seven dwarfs 

I tried to use "MyPenis" as a password. Apparently it wasn't long enough

[Wortho]

My computer said I needed a new password so I chose beef stew.

It rejected the password saying it wasn't stroganoff.

[Milo]

2 hours ago, Wortho said:

My computer said I needed a new password so I chose beef stew.

It rejected the password saying it wasn't stroganoff.

That is by far the worst joke that I've seen on here for a while - take a bow 

[Wortho]

1 hour ago, Milo said:

That is by far the worst joke that I've seen on here for a while - take a bow 

Cheers mate ?

[davieG]

Are these the greatest comedy one-liners ever told?

Full Report here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/197QFNnHtPZt8Ht70GDkr4D/are-these-the-greatest-comedy-one-liners-ever-told

 

11 Great One Liners
Here are eleven classic one-liners from some masters of the craft. Are they the best ever told?

Tim Vine – “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”

Joan Rivers – “All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

Ken Dodd – “I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.”

Bob Monkhouse – “I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”

Jo Brand – "The way to a man's heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife."

Milton Jones – “I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”

Ross Noble – “How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?”

Jimmy Carr – “A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we won’t get much done.”

Sarah Millican – "I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, 'I would do anything for love' and on the back it said 'but I won't do that.'"

Tommy Cooper – "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

Jack Whitehall – “I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

This article was updated on 20th August 2018

[Countryfox]

[HighPeakFox]

How many people from Nottingham does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

 

 

Right, like they HAVE electricity in Nottingham........

Edited 22 August 2018 by HighPeakFox

[jonthefox]

I went into the bakery earlier and asked why all the cakes were 50p and that one was £1. 

The baker said that’s Madeira cake

[Tielemans63]

Dave is sitting in the pub with his mate Mike, confiding in him about his troubled love life.

"I'm crazy about this girl at work" Dave starts, "but I can't even look at her without getting a massive erection. How am I supposed to ask her out if I can't control my old soldier every time I look at her?"

Mike pauses for a moment and shares with Dave, 

"Mate, I have actually had this problem before myself."

"Really?" asks Dave.

"Yeah man, I used duct tape. Strapped my piece to my leg and I didn't have to worry about it when I made my move."

Dave decides it's worth a shot, thanks Mike, drains his beer and leaves.

The pair meet at the pub the following evening and Dave seems more down than before. 

"What's up Dave? How did it go?" enquires Mike, eager for answers.

"I took your advice" he replied. "It did it all. Taped my piece to my leg, got dressed for work and marched right up to her."

"So what happened?!" presses Mike.

"Well I reached her just as she was bending over to get some milk out the fridge...." 

Dave trails off.

"What did you say to her?" Mike asks

"Nothing. I kicked her in the face."

[davieG]

12 hours ago, jonthefox said:

I went into the bakery earlier and asked why all the cakes were 50p and that one was £1. 

The baker said that’s Madeira cake

Or it was a ........

 

Pound cake

Pound cake refers to a type of cake traditionally made with a pound of each of four ingredients: flour, butter, eggs, and sugar. Wikipedia

 

Nutrition Facts

Pound cake, butterPound cake, fat-freePound cake, butter

 

Amount Per 1 piece (1/12 of 12 oz cake) (28 g)1 piece (1/10 of cake) (30 g)100 grams100 grams

Calories 388

% Daily Value*
Total Fat 20 g	30%
Saturated fat 12 g	60%
Polyunsaturated fat 1.1 g
Monounsaturated fat 6 g
Cholesterol 221 mg	73%
Sodium 398 mg	16%
Potassium 119 mg	3%
Total Carbohydrate 49 g	16%
Dietary fiber 0.5 g	2%
Protein 6 g	12%

Vitamin A	12%	Vitamin C	0%
Calcium	3%	Iron	7%
Vitamin D	0%	Vitamin B-6	0%
Vitamin B-12	5%	Magnesium	2%

[TiffToff88]

16 minutes ago, davieG said:

Or it was a ........

 

Pound cake

Pound cake refers to a type of cake traditionally made with a pound of each of four ingredients: flour, butter, eggs, and sugar. Wikipedia

 

Nutrition Facts

Pound cake, butterPound cake, fat-freePound cake, butter

 

Amount Per 1 piece (1/12 of 12 oz cake) (28 g)1 piece (1/10 of cake) (30 g)100 grams100 grams

Calories 388

% Daily Value*
Total Fat 20 g	30%
Saturated fat 12 g	60%
Polyunsaturated fat 1.1 g
Monounsaturated fat 6 g
Cholesterol 221 mg	73%
Sodium 398 mg	16%
Potassium 119 mg	3%
Total Carbohydrate 49 g	16%
Dietary fiber 0.5 g	2%
Protein 6 g	12%

Vitamin A	12%	Vitamin C	0%
Calcium	3%	Iron	7%
Vitamin D	0%	Vitamin B-6	0%
Vitamin B-12	5%	Magnesium	2%

I do love it when a joke shows it's nutritional value

[Aus Fox]

Did you hear about the first bloke to successfully clone his own body ?

 

On completing the process he was said to be beside himself.

Edited 23 August 2018 by Aus Fox

[Tielemans63]

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish.

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish.

 

[SouthStandUpperTier]

 

[Trav Le Bleu]

When granddad took ill we covered him in grease.

After that, he went downhill really fast.

Edited 25 August 2018 by Trav Le Bleu

[Izzy]

I told my boss “I won’t be in today, I’ve been told I gotta take it easy”

“Did a Doctor tell you that?”, he asked.

“No.... The Eagles”

[Alf Bentley]

21 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I told my boss “I won’t be in today, I’ve been told I gotta take it easy”

“Did a Doctor tell you that?”, he asked.

“No.... The Eagles”

 

I was amazed to hear that he responded by giving you a present - a Spandau Ballet record:

"Work till you're musclebound, all night long"

[Izzy]

3 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

I was amazed to hear that he responded by giving you a present - a Spandau Ballet record:

"Work till you're musclebound, all night long"

I told him I was really, really sick so definitely couldn’t come in.

He said “Oh shit, how sick are you?”

I said “Well I’m in bed with my sister....”

[UpTheLeagueFox]

On 25/08/2018 at 12:15, Trav Le Bleu said:

When granddad took ill we covered him in grease.

After that, he went downhill really fast.

My granddad was employed in the Nescafe factory. 

One day he fell into a huge vat of coffee and died.

Poor bloke. But at least it was instant.

[Wortho]

While riding my motorcycle, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" 

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. 

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” 

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" 

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." 

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." 

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." 

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" 

"Still in the ditch with my motorbike, I guess."

[Wortho]

A young woman calls her Mum,

" Mum I'm getting a divorce!"

" Why?", the Mum asks all shocked.

"Because all he wants is Anal sex, I used to have a nice small arsehole the size of a 5 pence piece. Now it's the size of a 50 pence piece!"

The Mother replies, " Sweetie, you have a Porche, a platinum credit card, a villa in Barcelona, kids in private school and 6 holidays a year!"

" Do you really want to give all that up for the sake of 45 pence!"