Depression

[Parafox]

1 minute ago, casablancas said:

Would you consider counselling yourself? Someone to offload to? Some structured interventions to help manage the impact this is having on yourself. I am sorry you’re having to experience the pains bud. 

 

We have had relationship counselling in the past which helped to a degree. 

 

We do use the suggested tools/methods to manage/support ourselves when it get's really difficult. 

 

I do tend to think that we have become more and more resilient the longer our situation has gone on.

 

We always hold out hope. Even though she is 30 yrs old she still needs us as her parents, albeit adoptive, as we're all she has. 

 

 

[pazzerfox]

On 30/03/2024 at 20:02, FoxesDeb said:

I need to write this somewhere, partly to let those of you who have noticed I haven't been around lately the reason why, and partly just to write it somewhere I suppose.

 

My youngest son died last month, he was 20 years old and he took his own life completely unexpectedly. He had absolutely everything to live for, a job he loved, a girlfriend who was besotted with him and him with her, a loving family, and it's completely broken me. Everyone thinks their kids are great, but a funnier, kinder, well mannered and level headed young lad you could not hope to meet.

 

I don't see the point in anything anymore really, and if it wasn't for my husband and other son and daughter I would have already left to be with him. I live about 500m from the sea and the temptation to just walk into it is almost overwhelming at times, I feel so sad that he's on his own,  I'm so angry with him for leaving me like this, and I miss him immeasurably. Every parent has moments wondering what it must be like to lose a child, and it's absolutely horrific.

 

The way I view everything has changed, I can't listen to music, can't watch things on TV that might bring any kind of reminder, and what I do try to watch as a distraction I'm not really watching, I'm just thinking about his last moments, what he must have been thinking and feeling, wondering all sorts of awful things really.

 

F1 was our thing together and I can't bear to see any mention of it anywhere, I can't watch our games because it just seems so frivolous and reminds me of all the times my son and I spent together at the KP, I can't look at his photos, the list is endless and I don't know if it will ever be any better than this. Everything just seems so completely pointless. My daughter shares the same birthday as him, this November she will turn 18 on the same day he would have turned 21, what a fvcking day that's going to be.

 

We all think these things happen to other people, until they happen to us. If anyone here has been through similar you have my complete sympathy, hopefully it doesn't feel like this forever but I can't imagine when it will change, and then I also feel guilty for not wanting to feel like this forever. However awful I might have previously imagined something like this to be was absolutely nowhere remotely close to how it actually feels, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've only just seen this and feel so sad for you. Sending deepest condolences. X

[casablancas]

6 minutes ago, Parafox said:

 

We have had relationship counselling in the past which helped to a degree. 

 

We do use the suggested tools/methods to manage/support ourselves when it get's really difficult. 

 

I do tend to think that we have become more and more resilient the longer our situation has gone on.

 

We always hold out hope. Even though she is 30 yrs old she still needs us as her parents, albeit adoptive, as we're all she has. 

 

 

Long shot. But I’m back in Leicester in 4 weeks. If ever you wanna grab a beer or summat let me know. 

[LiberalFox]

@Parafox

 

Does your daughter have any ambitions or things she's passionate about? 

 

Has she been taught skills for emotional self regulation? 

 

Does she try to work on herself?

 

I can relate a bit though I didn't have anything like such a bad childhood.

 

I'm pretty terrible at seeking help due to my experiences in childhood and adolescence. So I can sympathise with not wanting to interact with the NHS that much. 

 

 

[Parafox]

18 hours ago, LiberalFox said:

@Parafox

 

a) Does your daughter have any ambitions or things she's passionate about? 

 

b) Has she been taught skills for emotional self regulation? 

 

c) Does she try to work on herself?

 

I can relate a bit though I didn't have anything like such a bad childhood.

 

I'm pretty terrible at seeking help due to my experiences in childhood and adolescence. So I can sympathise with not wanting to interact with the NHS that much. 

 

 

 

Thanks for asking.

 

a) No. Nothing she's passionate about anymore. She did do a beauty course before lockdown that cost a fair whack, but when it came to the exams she couldn't cope as her ADHD prevented her concentrating.

 

b) No.

 

c) No.

 

We only hope she can get back the person that was reasonably well and able to manage life, but it's a struggle

[LiberalFox]

On 11/04/2024 at 18:21, Parafox said:

 

Thanks for asking.

 

a) No. Nothing she's passionate about anymore. She did do a beauty course before lockdown that cost a fair whack, but when it came to the exams she couldn't cope as her ADHD prevented her concentrating.

 

b) No.

 

c) No.

 

We only hope she can get back the person that was reasonably well and able to manage life, but it's a struggle

I hope so. I don't know if she has tried medication for her ADHD but I found it helped me a lot. I also think she should try and learn DBT skills because there's nothing better for treating PDs.

 

Apologies if all this is obvious stuff. I just feel once she is well enough to go back home that's probably the best time for her to learn some coping strategies. 

 

[urban.spaceman]

Tumultuous few weeks.

 

Lost my auntie quite suddenly on Monday. We're a close family so it's really hit us all quite hard. We lost a dear family friend who my dad had known since he was 13 a few weeks ago too; it's his funeral this Monday. It's been a really grim 16 months as we lost my dad's best friend of 60 years in December 2022. Just feels like constant loss and sadness at the minute. My dad's in a real low and it's very rare to see 

 

In other news, I had a one-on-one with my screenwriting tutor the other week. He said that judging by the work I'd done for the course, if I could pull off a really good script he could see me getting commissioned. That means either my script gets signed up to go into development to be made in the future, or I could be asked to write something else for them. Either way, it would be absolutely life-changing. My deadline was next Wednesday and I've made it roughly halfway in terms of page numbers and the 'midpoint' of the story, but they granted me an extension after my bereavement because I'm really struggling to focus and connect with everything that's going on. Low productivity and writing time lost is not a great combination.

 

And then this afternoon, I get an email to say that I'd the short film script I did for my course, which I submitted to a film festival, has reached the quarter-finals! The prize is that the script gets produced into a short film and screened at next year's festival. I'm hoping that will kick off a wave of enthusiasm and productivity.

[Thefox81]

5 hours ago, urban.spaceman said:

Tumultuous few weeks.

 

Lost my auntie quite suddenly on Monday. We're a close family so it's really hit us all quite hard. We lost a dear family friend who my dad had known since he was 13 a few weeks ago too; it's his funeral this Monday. It's been a really grim 16 months as we lost my dad's best friend of 60 years in December 2022. Just feels like constant loss and sadness at the minute. My dad's in a real low and it's very rare to see 

 

In other news, I had a one-on-one with my screenwriting tutor the other week. He said that judging by the work I'd done for the course, if I could pull off a really good script he could see me getting commissioned. That means either my script gets signed up to go into development to be made in the future, or I could be asked to write something else for them. Either way, it would be absolutely life-changing. My deadline was next Wednesday and I've made it roughly halfway in terms of page numbers and the 'midpoint' of the story, but they granted me an extension after my bereavement because I'm really struggling to focus and connect with everything that's going on. Low productivity and writing time lost is not a great combination.

 

And then this afternoon, I get an email to say that I'd the short film script I did for my course, which I submitted to a film festival, has reached the quarter-finals! The prize is that the script gets produced into a short film and screened at next year's festival. I'm hoping that will kick off a wave of enthusiasm and productivity.

Sorry for your loss. I know how it feels. 1 bereavment seems to be the start of the snowball effect. Look at the positives if you can and that is your obviously a very talented writer who clearly loves what you do. I hope it all goes well for you. All the best.

[StanSP]

6 hours ago, urban.spaceman said:

Tumultuous few weeks.

 

Lost my auntie quite suddenly on Monday. We're a close family so it's really hit us all quite hard. We lost a dear family friend who my dad had known since he was 13 a few weeks ago too; it's his funeral this Monday. It's been a really grim 16 months as we lost my dad's best friend of 60 years in December 2022. Just feels like constant loss and sadness at the minute. My dad's in a real low and it's very rare to see 

 

In other news, I had a one-on-one with my screenwriting tutor the other week. He said that judging by the work I'd done for the course, if I could pull off a really good script he could see me getting commissioned. That means either my script gets signed up to go into development to be made in the future, or I could be asked to write something else for them. Either way, it would be absolutely life-changing. My deadline was next Wednesday and I've made it roughly halfway in terms of page numbers and the 'midpoint' of the story, but they granted me an extension after my bereavement because I'm really struggling to focus and connect with everything that's going on. Low productivity and writing time lost is not a great combination.

 

And then this afternoon, I get an email to say that I'd the short film script I did for my course, which I submitted to a film festival, has reached the quarter-finals! The prize is that the script gets produced into a short film and screened at next year's festival. I'm hoping that will kick off a wave of enthusiasm and productivity.

Sorry for your losses mate. Never easy with one bereavement, let alone more in a short space of time. Your dad must be feeling it a lot too. Hope you can give them a good send-off. 

 

Try and keep the positivity of the last paragraph to get you through though! Sounds like you're quite talented... 

[FoxesDeb]

I need to close Ellis' mobile phone account with Vodafone and I just can't do it, every time I've tried I just break down at the questions on the form. Date of birth and date of death, they're just too close together and it's heatbreaking. They need me to upload the death certificate and I don't want to even look at it, never mind share it with anyone.

 

My ex husband is being a complete cvnt, so much so that I've blocked him from contacting me. He didn't really include me in the funeral arrangements, anything I suggested was vetoed, he made all the decisions and in the end I didn't go. He won't let me have Ellis' ashes, but wants me to pay for half of the funeral bill. That probably sounds petty, but there's a long history of animosity between us that I won't bore you all with, and it doesn't help that I strongly believe he is at least partly to blame for the decision Ellis made to take his life, although I haven't expressed that to his dad.

 

My daughter is struggling more than I realised so I feel like even more of a failure as a mother, she won't talk to me because I can't talk without crying and she doesn't want to upset me even though I've told her it's fine and that is what I'm here for. 

 

I hadn't spoken to my mum for about 3 years until I rang her to tell her the news, her choice not mine, within 2 minutes she was telling me about all her ailments and in the end I cut her short, I was calling her to tell her I'd lost my youngest son and she just turned the conversation around to herself. She hasn't contacted me since. 

 

It's funny how some days can start reasonably well, and I feel like I'm ok, and then they just end unbearably shit  

 

 

 

 

[Bilsthorpe Blue]

41 minutes ago, FoxesDeb said:

I need to close Ellis' mobile phone account with Vodafone and I just can't do it, every time I've tried I just break down at the questions on the form. Date of birth and date of death, they're just too close together and it's heatbreaking. They need me to upload the death certificate and I don't want to even look at it, never mind share it with anyone.

 

My ex husband is being a complete cvnt, so much so that I've blocked him from contacting me. He didn't really include me in the funeral arrangements, anything I suggested was vetoed, he made all the decisions and in the end I didn't go. He won't let me have Ellis' ashes, but wants me to pay for half of the funeral bill. That probably sounds petty, but there's a long history of animosity between us that I won't bore you all with, and it doesn't help that I strongly believe he is at least partly to blame for the decision Ellis made to take his life, although I haven't expressed that to his dad.

 

My daughter is struggling more than I realised so I feel like even more of a failure as a mother, she won't talk to me because I can't talk without crying and she doesn't want to upset me even though I've told her it's fine and that is what I'm here for. 

 

I hadn't spoken to my mum for about 3 years until I rang her to tell her the news, her choice not mine, within 2 minutes she was telling me about all her ailments and in the end I cut her short, I was calling her to tell her I'd lost my youngest son and she just turned the conversation around to herself. She hasn't contacted me since. 

 

It's funny how some days can start reasonably well, and I feel like I'm ok, and then they just end unbearably shit  

 

 

 

 

I don't post on here very much, more of a reader seeing what everybody is up to, but I feel compelled to say something 

I'm in tears reading what you have put, I really really feel for you, I can't even imagine what you are going through daily but please stay strong

[Parafox]

1 hour ago, FoxesDeb said:

I need to close Ellis' mobile phone account with Vodafone and I just can't do it, every time I've tried I just break down at the questions on the form. Date of birth and date of death, they're just too close together and it's heatbreaking. They need me to upload the death certificate and I don't want to even look at it, never mind share it with anyone.

 

My ex husband is being a complete cvnt, so much so that I've blocked him from contacting me. He didn't really include me in the funeral arrangements, anything I suggested was vetoed, he made all the decisions and in the end I didn't go. He won't let me have Ellis' ashes, but wants me to pay for half of the funeral bill. That probably sounds petty, but there's a long history of animosity between us that I won't bore you all with, and it doesn't help that I strongly believe he is at least partly to blame for the decision Ellis made to take his life, although I haven't expressed that to his dad.

 

My daughter is struggling more than I realised so I feel like even more of a failure as a mother, she won't talk to me because I can't talk without crying and she doesn't want to upset me even though I've told her it's fine and that is what I'm here for. 

 

I hadn't spoken to my mum for about 3 years until I rang her to tell her the news, her choice not mine, within 2 minutes she was telling me about all her ailments and in the end I cut her short, I was calling her to tell her I'd lost my youngest son and she just turned the conversation around to herself. She hasn't contacted me since. 

 

It's funny how some days can start reasonably well, and I feel like I'm ok, and then they just end unbearably shit  

 

 

 

 

 

I am genuinely sorry, and what is happening to you must be unfathomable for you and so difficult. I trust you have some support networks outside of the relationships you mention above. BTW, your ex sounds vengeful and vindictive. 

 

I started to write a response but I soon realised that I have nothing I can say to offer anything other than, this experience is unique to you. I have had some experience of losing a loved one yet not getting the expected response from some of those nearest to me. Sometimes deflection is a coping mechanism and a form of denial, such as your mum. It also depends on your relationship with her and her relationship with Ellis. (BTW using his name is good. We on this forum can then use your son's name in our messages to you which hopefully will make them a bit more personal and heartfelt.

 

Expressing your feelings and frustrations and all the fluctuating, contrary emotions, your up's and down's, both on here and to your trusted friends is all part of the grieving process and is a good way of pouring stuff out of the MH bucket which makes room in your head for other things.

 

I also think that your daughter is in denial and at the same time wants to protect you from your grief. Maybe that's why she won't talk about things. You are not a bad mum. Any parent would struggle to give the time and effort to their kids at a time like this. Grief is often completely overwhelming and people shrink and withdraw within themselves but, over time come back and gather themselves because if they don't they can cease to function.

 

I don't know if this link might help:

 

Grief Series: What Stage of Grief Am I In? | Best Care Employee Assistance Program (bestcareeap.org)

Edited 16 April by Parafox

[HighPeakFox]

1 hour ago, FoxesDeb said:

I need to close Ellis' mobile phone account with Vodafone and I just can't do it, every time I've tried I just break down at the questions on the form. Date of birth and date of death, they're just too close together and it's heatbreaking. They need me to upload the death certificate and I don't want to even look at it, never mind share it with anyone.

 

My ex husband is being a complete cvnt, so much so that I've blocked him from contacting me. He didn't really include me in the funeral arrangements, anything I suggested was vetoed, he made all the decisions and in the end I didn't go. He won't let me have Ellis' ashes, but wants me to pay for half of the funeral bill. That probably sounds petty, but there's a long history of animosity between us that I won't bore you all with, and it doesn't help that I strongly believe he is at least partly to blame for the decision Ellis made to take his life, although I haven't expressed that to his dad.

 

My daughter is struggling more than I realised so I feel like even more of a failure as a mother, she won't talk to me because I can't talk without crying and she doesn't want to upset me even though I've told her it's fine and that is what I'm here for. 

 

I hadn't spoken to my mum for about 3 years until I rang her to tell her the news, her choice not mine, within 2 minutes she was telling me about all her ailments and in the end I cut her short, I was calling her to tell her I'd lost my youngest son and she just turned the conversation around to herself. She hasn't contacted me since. 

 

It's funny how some days can start reasonably well, and I feel like I'm ok, and then they just end unbearably shit  

So much love to you Debs, and I'm certain from many other fellow friends and Foxes x

[bovril]

1 hour ago, FoxesDeb said:

I need to close Ellis' mobile phone account with Vodafone and I just can't do it, every time I've tried I just break down at the questions on the form. Date of birth and date of death, they're just too close together and it's heatbreaking. They need me to upload the death certificate and I don't want to even look at it, never mind share it with anyone.

 

My ex husband is being a complete cvnt, so much so that I've blocked him from contacting me. He didn't really include me in the funeral arrangements, anything I suggested was vetoed, he made all the decisions and in the end I didn't go. He won't let me have Ellis' ashes, but wants me to pay for half of the funeral bill. That probably sounds petty, but there's a long history of animosity between us that I won't bore you all with, and it doesn't help that I strongly believe he is at least partly to blame for the decision Ellis made to take his life, although I haven't expressed that to his dad.

 

My daughter is struggling more than I realised so I feel like even more of a failure as a mother, she won't talk to me because I can't talk without crying and she doesn't want to upset me even though I've told her it's fine and that is what I'm here for. 

 

I hadn't spoken to my mum for about 3 years until I rang her to tell her the news, her choice not mine, within 2 minutes she was telling me about all her ailments and in the end I cut her short, I was calling her to tell her I'd lost my youngest son and she just turned the conversation around to herself. She hasn't contacted me since. 

 

It's funny how some days can start reasonably well, and I feel like I'm ok, and then they just end unbearably shit  

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I hope by sharing this it's helped in some way.

 

I have a similar situation with my Mum. I haven't experienced what you are going through, but I've told my Mum some of my and my partner's difficulties and like you said within a minute the conversation has turned on to her and her life. It's really frustrating and upsetting but I think it might be some kind of coping mechanism she has. So I know what it's like.

 

I don't really know what to say other than things will get better and please do share with us how you're getting on. Sending very best wishes. 

[Thefox81]

1 hour ago, FoxesDeb said:

I need to close Ellis' mobile phone account with Vodafone and I just can't do it, every time I've tried I just break down at the questions on the form. Date of birth and date of death, they're just too close together and it's heatbreaking. They need me to upload the death certificate and I don't want to even look at it, never mind share it with anyone.

 

My ex husband is being a complete cvnt, so much so that I've blocked him from contacting me. He didn't really include me in the funeral arrangements, anything I suggested was vetoed, he made all the decisions and in the end I didn't go. He won't let me have Ellis' ashes, but wants me to pay for half of the funeral bill. That probably sounds petty, but there's a long history of animosity between us that I won't bore you all with, and it doesn't help that I strongly believe he is at least partly to blame for the decision Ellis made to take his life, although I haven't expressed that to his dad.

 

My daughter is struggling more than I realised so I feel like even more of a failure as a mother, she won't talk to me because I can't talk without crying and she doesn't want to upset me even though I've told her it's fine and that is what I'm here for. 

 

I hadn't spoken to my mum for about 3 years until I rang her to tell her the news, her choice not mine, within 2 minutes she was telling me about all her ailments and in the end I cut her short, I was calling her to tell her I'd lost my youngest son and she just turned the conversation around to herself. She hasn't contacted me since. 

 

It's funny how some days can start reasonably well, and I feel like I'm ok, and then they just end unbearably shit  

 

 

 

 

So sorry to read that Debs. Brought a tear to my eye. Sending all my love. Stay strong 💙💙💙

[Parafox]

36 minutes ago, Parafox said:

 

I am genuinely sorry, and what is happening to you must be unfathomable for you and so difficult. I trust you have some support networks outside of the relationships you mention above. BTW, your ex sounds vengeful and vindictive. 

 

I started to write a response but I soon realised that I have nothing I can say to offer anything other than, this experience is unique to you. I have had some experience of losing a loved one yet not getting the expected response from some of those nearest to me. Sometimes deflection is a coping mechanism and a form of denial, such as your mum. It also depends on your relationship with her and her relationship with Ellis. (BTW using his name is good. We on this forum can then use your son's name in our messages to you which hopefully will make them a bit more personal and heartfelt.

 

Expressing your feelings and frustrations and all the fluctuating, contrary emotions, your up's and down's, both on here and to your trusted friends is all part of the grieving process and is a good way of pouring stuff out of the MH bucket which makes room in your head for other things.

 

I also think that your daughter is in denial and at the same time wants to protect you from your grief. Maybe that's why she won't talk about things. You are not a bad mum. Any parent would struggle to give the time and effort to their kids at a time like this. Grief is often completely overwhelming and people shrink and withdraw within themselves but, over time come back and gather themselves because if they don't they can cease to function.

 

I don't know if this link might help:

 

Grief Series: What Stage of Grief Am I In? | Best Care Employee Assistance Program (bestcareeap.org)

 

PS. Is there someone you trust who could be an advocate for you and deal with the formalities such as closing Ellis's Vodafone account?

[ajthefox]

3 hours ago, FoxesDeb said:

I need to close Ellis' mobile phone account with Vodafone and I just can't do it, every time I've tried I just break down at the questions on the form. Date of birth and date of death, they're just too close together and it's heatbreaking. They need me to upload the death certificate and I don't want to even look at it, never mind share it with anyone.

 

My ex husband is being a complete cvnt, so much so that I've blocked him from contacting me. He didn't really include me in the funeral arrangements, anything I suggested was vetoed, he made all the decisions and in the end I didn't go. He won't let me have Ellis' ashes, but wants me to pay for half of the funeral bill. That probably sounds petty, but there's a long history of animosity between us that I won't bore you all with, and it doesn't help that I strongly believe he is at least partly to blame for the decision Ellis made to take his life, although I haven't expressed that to his dad.

 

My daughter is struggling more than I realised so I feel like even more of a failure as a mother, she won't talk to me because I can't talk without crying and she doesn't want to upset me even though I've told her it's fine and that is what I'm here for. 

 

I hadn't spoken to my mum for about 3 years until I rang her to tell her the news, her choice not mine, within 2 minutes she was telling me about all her ailments and in the end I cut her short, I was calling her to tell her I'd lost my youngest son and she just turned the conversation around to herself. She hasn't contacted me since. 

 

It's funny how some days can start reasonably well, and I feel like I'm ok, and then they just end unbearably shit  

 

 

 

 

You are stronger than you think you are Deb. Sending love.

[FoyleFox]

5 hours ago, FoxesDeb said:

I need to close Ellis' mobile phone account with Vodafone and I just can't do it, every time I've tried I just break down at the questions on the form. Date of birth and date of death, they're just too close together and it's heatbreaking. They need me to upload the death certificate and I don't want to even look at it, never mind share it with anyone.

 

My ex husband is being a complete cvnt, so much so that I've blocked him from contacting me. He didn't really include me in the funeral arrangements, anything I suggested was vetoed, he made all the decisions and in the end I didn't go. He won't let me have Ellis' ashes, but wants me to pay for half of the funeral bill. That probably sounds petty, but there's a long history of animosity between us that I won't bore you all with, and it doesn't help that I strongly believe he is at least partly to blame for the decision Ellis made to take his life, although I haven't expressed that to his dad.

 

My daughter is struggling more than I realised so I feel like even more of a failure as a mother, she won't talk to me because I can't talk without crying and she doesn't want to upset me even though I've told her it's fine and that is what I'm here for. 

 

I hadn't spoken to my mum for about 3 years until I rang her to tell her the news, her choice not mine, within 2 minutes she was telling me about all her ailments and in the end I cut her short, I was calling her to tell her I'd lost my youngest son and she just turned the conversation around to herself. She hasn't contacted me since. 

 

It's funny how some days can start reasonably well, and I feel like I'm ok, and then they just end unbearably shit  

 

 

 

 

I'm so sorry for your loss and know that I have no words which will help, neither can I  comprehend your pain. I can't believe those who should support you are causing additional distress. If there is someone who you can call upon to help with some of the unfortunate practical tasks it may help you to focus on you. 

I'm sure that no one thinks you're failing your daughter either. Grief is such a difficult and personal process. Thoughts with you x

[hebangsthedrums]

Really struggling at the moment.

My mum was diagnosed (ish, see comment on GP etc below) with dementia a couple of years ago shortly after my dad died, and alongside that been in hospital last week or so with another issue.

The local GP/NHS/Local Authority have been useless in the main, most recently cocking up an urgent appt she needed, not once but twice.

We had to put her in a care home which has slowly whittled away her money and despite doing all of the things I'm supposed to, the council have left it way late to sort funding and seem very blase about the fact she'll run out of money in a couple of months. I'm sure it will be sorted but they really are incompetent and I can see how so much money gets wasted in the general inefficiency in all their processes

I thought the condition was the 'long goodbye' but her decline has been pretty rapid, so I'm caught between, if I'm honest, not enjoying visiting her as its upsetting, to then feel guilty about that.

One of my sisters also had a mini stroke before Christmas which knocked her for six both physically & financially.

Positives are my little girl who turns 3 in Summer and our boy who arrived end December, but even that is causing a strain as he's been quite grouchy last month meaning my wife has a burden so we are both tired and bickering more that usual.

Plus although she is putting on a brave face her mum just got diagnosed with bowel cancer

I started a new job roughly a year ago, which was a breath of fresh air but now all of the above means I don't feel I'm doing myself justice, find it super hard to be motivated/concentrate.

Its way down the list but I just find football depressing last couple of years and it always used to perk me up, irrespective of result I'd  generally enjoy going.

Not sure if its because I miss going with my dad or the general apathy to the modern gaame and from our POV Brendanball has crept in & stuck.

 

Good to vent...

[spacemunky]

2 hours ago, hebangsthedrums said:

Really struggling at the moment.

My mum was diagnosed (ish, see comment on GP etc below) with dementia a couple of years ago shortly after my dad died, and alongside that been in hospital last week or so with another issue.

The local GP/NHS/Local Authority have been useless in the main, most recently cocking up an urgent appt she needed, not once but twice.

We had to put her in a care home which has slowly whittled away her money and despite doing all of the things I'm supposed to, the council have left it way late to sort funding and seem very blase about the fact she'll run out of money in a couple of months. I'm sure it will be sorted but they really are incompetent and I can see how so much money gets wasted in the general inefficiency in all their processes

I thought the condition was the 'long goodbye' but her decline has been pretty rapid, so I'm caught between, if I'm honest, not enjoying visiting her as its upsetting, to then feel guilty about that.

One of my sisters also had a mini stroke before Christmas which knocked her for six both physically & financially.

Positives are my little girl who turns 3 in Summer and our boy who arrived end December, but even that is causing a strain as he's been quite grouchy last month meaning my wife has a burden so we are both tired and bickering more that usual.

Plus although she is putting on a brave face her mum just got diagnosed with bowel cancer

I started a new job roughly a year ago, which was a breath of fresh air but now all of the above means I don't feel I'm doing myself justice, find it super hard to be motivated/concentrate.

Its way down the list but I just find football depressing last couple of years and it always used to perk me up, irrespective of result I'd  generally enjoy going.

Not sure if its because I miss going with my dad or the general apathy to the modern gaame and from our POV Brendanball has crept in & stuck.

 

Good to vent...

It is always good to vent.

 

That's a lot to take on. 

 

This topic is one of the reasons why I stayed here. Although, it's hard at times to read about people's struggles, it's a reminder that not everyone gets a fair deal and we have to do what we can to get through these things that just don't seem fair.

 

I hope things get better for you.

 

 

[Daggers]

11 hours ago, FoxesDeb said:

I need to close Ellis' mobile phone account with Vodafone and I just can't do it, every time I've tried I just break down at the questions on the form. Date of birth and date of death, they're just too close together and it's heatbreaking. They need me to upload the death certificate and I don't want to even look at it, never mind share it with anyone.

 

My ex husband is being a complete cvnt, so much so that I've blocked him from contacting me. He didn't really include me in the funeral arrangements, anything I suggested was vetoed, he made all the decisions and in the end I didn't go. He won't let me have Ellis' ashes, but wants me to pay for half of the funeral bill. That probably sounds petty, but there's a long history of animosity between us that I won't bore you all with, and it doesn't help that I strongly believe he is at least partly to blame for the decision Ellis made to take his life, although I haven't expressed that to his dad.

 

My daughter is struggling more than I realised so I feel like even more of a failure as a mother, she won't talk to me because I can't talk without crying and she doesn't want to upset me even though I've told her it's fine and that is what I'm here for. 

 

I hadn't spoken to my mum for about 3 years until I rang her to tell her the news, her choice not mine, within 2 minutes she was telling me about all her ailments and in the end I cut her short, I was calling her to tell her I'd lost my youngest son and she just turned the conversation around to herself. She hasn't contacted me since. 

 

It's funny how some days can start reasonably well, and I feel like I'm ok, and then they just end unbearably shit  

 

 

 

 

I feel I should be offering words of support or something to make things a bit better, but I’ve no idea what to write to this, Debs. Your post is screaming out for a hug. Really hope you and the girl can talk it out, our’s is a right bugger to get to open up too. I’ve no doubt your lad loved you very much because you come across as a really lovely person with a big heart. Stay strong, these things will pass. 
 

[Daggers]

On 13/04/2024 at 01:57, urban.spaceman said:

 

In other news, I had a one-on-one with my screenwriting tutor the other week. He said that judging by the work I'd done for the course, if I could pull off a really good script he could see me getting commissioned. That means either my script gets signed up to go into development to be made in the future, or I could be asked to write something else for them. Either way, it would be absolutely life-changing. My deadline was next Wednesday and I've made it roughly halfway in terms of page numbers and the 'midpoint' of the story, but they granted me an extension after my bereavement because I'm really struggling to focus and connect with everything that's going on. Low productivity and writing time lost is not a great combination.

 

And then this afternoon, I get an email to say that I'd the short film script I did for my course, which I submitted to a film festival, has reached the quarter-finals! The prize is that the script gets produced into a short film and screened at next year's festival. I'm hoping that will kick off a wave of enthusiasm and productivity.

And that is all just wonderful, superb stuff. Y’know, apart from the productivity thing - but all of us who thump keyboards for a living deal with that every day 😁 All the best with the comp. You can’t beat a decent Attaboy moment.

[Suzie the Fox]

On 16/04/2024 at 17:49, FoxesDeb said:

I need to close Ellis' mobile phone account with Vodafone and I just can't do it, every time I've tried I just break down at the questions on the form. Date of birth and date of death, they're just too close together and it's heatbreaking. They need me to upload the death certificate and I don't want to even look at it, never mind share it with anyone.

 

My ex husband is being a complete cvnt, so much so that I've blocked him from contacting me. He didn't really include me in the funeral arrangements, anything I suggested was vetoed, he made all the decisions and in the end I didn't go. He won't let me have Ellis' ashes, but wants me to pay for half of the funeral bill. That probably sounds petty, but there's a long history of animosity between us that I won't bore you all with, and it doesn't help that I strongly believe he is at least partly to blame for the decision Ellis made to take his life, although I haven't expressed that to his dad.

 

My daughter is struggling more than I realised so I feel like even more of a failure as a mother, she won't talk to me because I can't talk without crying and she doesn't want to upset me even though I've told her it's fine and that is what I'm here for. 

 

I hadn't spoken to my mum for about 3 years until I rang her to tell her the news, her choice not mine, within 2 minutes she was telling me about all her ailments and in the end I cut her short, I was calling her to tell her I'd lost my youngest son and she just turned the conversation around to herself. She hasn't contacted me since. 

 

It's funny how some days can start reasonably well, and I feel like I'm ok, and then they just end unbearably shit  

 

 

 

 

Breaks my heart, reading your post. My only very limited advice would be to surround yourself with people you love and who love you. 
 

Massive massive hugs <3  

[Parafox]

17 hours ago, hebangsthedrums said:

Really struggling at the moment.

My mum was diagnosed (ish, see comment on GP etc below) with dementia a couple of years ago shortly after my dad died, and alongside that been in hospital last week or so with another issue.

The local GP/NHS/Local Authority have been useless in the main, most recently cocking up an urgent appt she needed, not once but twice.

We had to put her in a care home which has slowly whittled away her money and despite doing all of the things I'm supposed to, the council have left it way late to sort funding and seem very blase about the fact she'll run out of money in a couple of months. I'm sure it will be sorted but they really are incompetent and I can see how so much money gets wasted in the general inefficiency in all their processes

I thought the condition was the 'long goodbye' but her decline has been pretty rapid, so I'm caught between, if I'm honest, not enjoying visiting her as its upsetting, to then feel guilty about that.

One of my sisters also had a mini stroke before Christmas which knocked her for six both physically & financially.

Positives are my little girl who turns 3 in Summer and our boy who arrived end December, but even that is causing a strain as he's been quite grouchy last month meaning my wife has a burden so we are both tired and bickering more that usual.

Plus although she is putting on a brave face her mum just got diagnosed with bowel cancer

I started a new job roughly a year ago, which was a breath of fresh air but now all of the above means I don't feel I'm doing myself justice, find it super hard to be motivated/concentrate.

Its way down the list but I just find football depressing last couple of years and it always used to perk me up, irrespective of result I'd  generally enjoy going.

Not sure if its because I miss going with my dad or the general apathy to the modern gaame and from our POV Brendanball has crept in & stuck.

 

Good to vent...

 

So sad to read this. It must feel overwhelming for you and Mrs "Drums".

 

It made me think about what people say to themselves or to those in grief/worry: "there's always someone worse off than you" as if that's going to make them feel better. 

 

I am in a situation of crisis with our daughter and reading your post called to mind the phrase I mentioned. However, whatever crisis is going on in one's life is entirely personal to them and therefore about as bad as it can be for those directly involved and those involved don't really give much thought to anyone that might be "worse off". That doesn't mean they don't get it, but they like you, are in the midst of their own emotions, worries, fears, motivation, thoughts about the future etc. 

 

I hope that over time, things will settle and Brendanball will be the thing you vent on most. 

Edited 17 April by Parafox

[STEVIE B]

On 16/04/2024 at 17:49, FoxesDeb said:

I need to close Ellis' mobile phone account with Vodafone and I just can't do it, every time I've tried I just break down at the questions on the form. Date of birth and date of death, they're just too close together and it's heatbreaking. They need me to upload the death certificate and I don't want to even look at it, never mind share it with anyone.

 

My ex husband is being a complete cvnt, so much so that I've blocked him from contacting me. He didn't really include me in the funeral arrangements, anything I suggested was vetoed, he made all the decisions and in the end I didn't go. He won't let me have Ellis' ashes, but wants me to pay for half of the funeral bill. That probably sounds petty, but there's a long history of animosity between us that I won't bore you all with, and it doesn't help that I strongly believe he is at least partly to blame for the decision Ellis made to take his life, although I haven't expressed that to his dad.

 

My daughter is struggling more than I realised so I feel like even more of a failure as a mother, she won't talk to me because I can't talk without crying and she doesn't want to upset me even though I've told her it's fine and that is what I'm here for. 

 

I hadn't spoken to my mum for about 3 years until I rang her to tell her the news, her choice not mine, within 2 minutes she was telling me about all her ailments and in the end I cut her short, I was calling her to tell her I'd lost my youngest son and she just turned the conversation around to herself. She hasn't contacted me since. 

 

It's funny how some days can start reasonably well, and I feel like I'm ok, and then they just end unbearably shit  

 

 

 

 

I can’t get my head around the dreadful time you’re going through, truly heartbreaking.

It’s difficult to put anything into words, it really is.

All l can say is, it puts a lot of things into perspective. 
Thinking of you at this very sad time.