Dating and Marriage Advice Corner (for both serious and not serious conundrums)

[DJ Barry Hammond]

 

Part of me can’t believe I’m starting this column, but the other half considers this might be the best way to vent and go through the healing process; and in doing so create a thread that may become useful to others in the future?

 

We’ll see.

 

My personal conundrum 

 

Having reached my mid 30’s and made the decision to start a career again by going to University I had begun facing the idea that I might not end up getting married and having kids.

 

My dating history or success up to this point has been riddled with failure; it seems mostly down to the incompatibility of ‘nice man syndrome’.

 

Coming to terms with this was hard - it’s been a long held ambition of mine to be a dad, but the confidence knocks and scars were taking their toll of me and i’d come to the conclusion it was better to focus on myself and a new career and life than to endlessly consult Twitter, POF, OK Cupid and a host of other dating apps and set ups.

 

Perhaps a further motive behind this approach was to allow love to find me rather than constantly search for it myself and typically enough that approach seemed to bare some fruit and with that produced fresh hope that maybe I wouldn’t live a largely seldom life.

 

To set the scene, I responded to a random uni advert to assist as a ‘presenter’ for a campaign project a group were doing for Antony Nolan.

 

Having surprisingly been provided with a decent script (most Uni projects like this are badly prepared) I only needed to consider what additional mannerisms and hand movements I would use to greater inforce the message, so made appropriate notes to my script and turned up with it - and no doubt coming across as a right arrogant **** (even if these addition notes were valid).

 

But that arrogance must have caught the imagination of the women in question - and likewise, she caught my attention with her alround brilliance.

 

Communication following that chance encounter grew, as did the mutual attraction, but there was one niggling question mark in my mind as we seemed to be drawing closer; I knew that she was engaged.

 

Eventually as it became clear we couldn’t pass this off as ‘friendship’ anymore, the topic of her engagement was broached and she made it clear I had opened her eyes to a different future that she wanted - to the extent she broke off the engagement and we began dating.

 

With the regularity we were together, a Love Island effect began to establish itself to the point we became very close; and on her agreement I ended up moving in with her and her ex-partner!

 

As odd as that sounds, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds, although it did feel a little odd - and the hope was that her ex would find somewhere else to live; indeed he had also gone on a couple of dates.

 

However, with a holiday booked for her by her parents, it meant I needed to return home, home, for a bit - and this extended for an extra week due to my mum being ill. 

 

This eventually leads to the bombshell phonecall that “she’s been having serious difficulties about the age difference between us” (there’s a 12 year gap) and “she can’t do this anymore”. 

 

What i could make out through her tears was that she’s had a fair bit of pressure from her mum about our relationship and I can completely understand her having doubts about the situation; I’d have expected her to have many and we did discuss them. 

 

Yet I can’t escape how happy she was around me, how she had clearly grown in confidence; and how the relationship appeared to have a strong future, especially given the difficult starting point. 

 

I also ponder - had I been able to immediately return and be there once she had returned from holiday, would she have felt the same? Or has it been the memory of a past life with her ex partner has looked brighter after a period away from it? 

 

So my agonising at the moment is what what do I do when I return; for I have to because I left some stuff in her house including my precious ‘Leicester City Champions Towel’ - originally left as a sign that I would return and not bugger off with another women in Bristol (oh the irony!) 

 

Do I chalk this up as another painful experience and try to move on the best I can? 

 

I suspect that is what I should really do - and so maybe this post is all about confirming something I don’t want to be true - but any thoughts and consideration she would be most welcome.

 

Oh and... sorry ☺️

[Webbo]

The only advice I would give you is don't listen to any advice. Only you can decide what makes you happy. Good luck though, I'm sure you'll do the right thing.

[Izzy]

Webbo’s right. Trust your vibes and follow your intuition every time.

[DJ Barry Hammond]

1 minute ago, Webbo said:

The only advice I would give you is don't listen to any advice. Only you can decide what makes you happy. Good luck though, I'm sure you'll do the right thing.

 

And I’m banned for posting rubbish ☺️

 

Call it a much needed letter to myself. I feel a little better already.

 

Thanks Webbo

[Dr The Singh]

Don't listen to webbo et Al, people with life experience have alot to offer that's why the saying '..in hind sight..' is so widely used 

[VLC86]

Sounds tough but probably wise to move on if that’s the way she wants it to go but it can’t be nice. I would probably speak to her and say you wish it didn’t have to be that way but you respect it and who knows, she might realise after a while that she’s made a mistake.

 

If anything hopefully it gives you the confidence that you will find someone. 

[Buce]

 

Just live your life, DJ. 

 

The best way to find love is to not seek it. 

[Suzie the Fox]

Really tough one, from my perspective no amount of pressure from peers would make me question if i loved someone or not, especially if we were in a deep and meaningful relationship. Age is a number and doesnt define ones feelings towards another. 

 

However my sons girlfriend recently broke up with him due to her instability issues and being an insecure person. They have since spoken and talked about the issues and got back together. This was 6 months ago and are now living together and seem on the whole to be having a great relationship. 

 

Whats right for one can be the opposite for another.

 

My advice would be to to call her and arrange a meeting, just the 2 of you and be as honest as you can about your feelings to her, and hope she will be the same with you. If she still has issues then so be it but at least you have tried and will never look back and think 'if only i had..... '

 

Good luck, relationships (as you know are never easy) even the best of them. 

Edited 9 August 2018 by Suzie the Fox
cause char91 is an ass

[Charl91]

1 hour ago, Suzie the Fox said:

Really tough one, from my perspective no amount of pressure from piers would make me question if i loved someone or not, especially if we were in a deep and meaningful relationship. Age is a number and doesnt define ones feelings towards another. 

 

I have to agree with this.

 

Definitely shouldn't listen to Piers. He's an unscruplous journalist, and a shocking T.V presenter.  Ignore any advice that he give you.

[Suzie the Fox]

2 minutes ago, Charl91 said:

I have to agree with this.

 

Definitely shouldn't listen to Piers. He's an unscruplous journalist, and a shocking T.V presenter.  Ignore any advice that he give you.

Damn you... editing  

[Jattdogg]

I'd ask her if she wants to meet to have a 1 on 1  to talk about things. If shes down then chat things out and see where it leads.

 

If she doesnt want to meet then go pickup your towel, go back home put on the 2015-2016 season DVD and wank yourself to sleep. When you wakeup from that recognize that if its meant to be it will be and if not the search continues.  You sound like a great guy so dont fret about the "nice guy" thing. Theres a great woman/man/inflatable dinosaur out there for everyone.

 

Dont make the lady search your life. Live, travel (if you can) and enjoy the pleasures life affords you. Some of us "get lucky" and find a life partner in our early 20s and for others maybe 30s or 40s. Dont ever settle for "good enough" because it will lead to unhappiness.

 

I ended up marrying a highschool best friend who was 3 years my junior. I dated her friend and countless women after but she was always the one. Can honestly say shes a fantastic mother and friend.  Im glad she was smart enough to recognize early that i was always the man for her but let me get "the lad" behaviour out of my system before she gave me a chance. Deep down i always knew she was the one.

[Tielemans63]

I have just one bit of advice on marriage;

 

Don't even consider it. 

[Finnegan]

12 years is a lot. You're almost certainly going to be further along in your personal development and what you want out of life. 

 

At the minute you're still attached, you're going through the obvious symptoms of loss and attachment and you're going to try and rationalise ways to repair it and win her back. At the end of the day, though, do you really want to? 

 

I personally wouldn't want to pin my future hopes on someone that flaky and easily swayed, don't be fooled by tears, nobody likes breaking up with someone and it's a horrible experience even if you're doing the dumping. 

 

But don't take it as a loss and move on, take it as a win. A twenty something millennial fell for you and left her fiancé (also probably a warn sign mind tbf) for you, take confidence from that, realise that you can have success and move on to the next one. 

 

I work with a happily married man with two kids who didn't meet his wife until his very late thirties. There's no such thing as too late, relax and enjoy meeting peoeple. 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I agree with @Finnegan on his post above 

 

warning signs as he says flaky behaviour 

 

age gap doesn’t mean anything necessarily but I honestly believe 99 per cent of people really haven’t got a clue who they really are until at least their 30 ish. 

 

Before wife number 2 I was engaged to a “lady” who was 10 years plus younger than me and the age gap didn’t matter to start with (met her at 33 roughly and she was 23 ish) but as the years went by it did start to tell a bit. She is 37 now and we get on great as mates now so if I wasn’t with wife number 2 I am sure we would be much more compatible now but that said I am not sorry we split up in the slightest as it just wasn’t right at the time

 

good luck buddy but don’t hang your hopes on flaky people ever

[yorkie1999]

Shoot the mother, cos you'll have problems with her all your life. 

[Strokes]

21 hours ago, DJ Barry Hammond said:

 

Part of me can’t believe I’m starting this column, but the other half considers this might be the best way to vent and go through the healing process; and in doing so create a thread that may become useful to others in the future?

 

We’ll see.

 

My personal conundrum 

 

Having reached my mid 30’s and made the decision to start a career again by going to University I had begun facing the idea that I might not end up getting married and having kids.

 

My dating history or success up to this point has been riddled with failure; it seems mostly down to the incompatibility of ‘nice man syndrome’.

 

Coming to terms with this was hard - it’s been a long held ambition of mine to be a dad, but the confidence knocks and scars were taking their toll of me and i’d come to the conclusion it was better to focus on myself and a new career and life than to endlessly consult Twitter, POF, OK Cupid and a host of other dating apps and set ups.

 

Perhaps a further motive behind this approach was to allow love to find me rather than constantly search for it myself and typically enough that approach seemed to bare some fruit and with that produced fresh hope that maybe I wouldn’t live a largely seldom life.

 

To set the scene, I responded to a random uni advert to assist as a ‘presenter’ for a campaign project a group were doing for Antony Nolan.

 

Having surprisingly been provided with a decent script (most Uni projects like this are badly prepared) I only needed to consider what additional mannerisms and hand movements I would use to greater inforce the message, so made appropriate notes to my script and turned up with it - and no doubt coming across as a right arrogant **** (even if these addition notes were valid).

 

But that arrogance must have caught the imagination of the women in question - and likewise, she caught my attention with her alround brilliance.

 

Communication following that chance encounter grew, as did the mutual attraction, but there was one niggling question mark in my mind as we seemed to be drawing closer; I knew that she was engaged.

 

Eventually as it became clear we couldn’t pass this off as ‘friendship’ anymore, the topic of her engagement was broached and she made it clear I had opened her eyes to a different future that she wanted - to the extent she broke off the engagement and we began dating.

 

With the regularity we were together, a Love Island effect began to establish itself to the point we became very close; and on her agreement I ended up moving in with her and her ex-partner!

 

As odd as that sounds, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds, although it did feel a little odd - and the hope was that her ex would find somewhere else to live; indeed he had also gone on a couple of dates.

 

However, with a holiday booked for her by her parents, it meant I needed to return home, home, for a bit - and this extended for an extra week due to my mum being ill. 

 

This eventually leads to the bombshell phonecall that “she’s been having serious difficulties about the age difference between us” (there’s a 12 year gap) and “she can’t do this anymore”. 

 

What i could make out through her tears was that she’s had a fair bit of pressure from her mum about our relationship and I can completely understand her having doubts about the situation; I’d have expected her to have many and we did discuss them. 

 

Yet I can’t escape how happy she was around me, how she had clearly grown in confidence; and how the relationship appeared to have a strong future, especially given the difficult starting point. 

 

I also ponder - had I been able to immediately return and be there once she had returned from holiday, would she have felt the same? Or has it been the memory of a past life with her ex partner has looked brighter after a period away from it? 

 

So my agonising at the moment is what what do I do when I return; for I have to because I left some stuff in her house including my precious ‘Leicester City Champions Towel’ - originally left as a sign that I would return and not bugger off with another women in Bristol (oh the irony!) 

 

Do I chalk this up as another painful experience and try to move on the best I can? 

 

I suspect that is what I should really do - and so maybe this post is all about confirming something I don’t want to be true - but any thoughts and consideration she would be most welcome.

 

Oh and... sorry ☺️

Is her mum hot? If she is, perhaps you should send your advances that way.

[samlcfc]

One piece of advice considering how you met the lady mentioned in your comment, might be to let love find you whilst taking part in something you enjoy. 

 

If you have the time and funds, it might be worth picking up a hobby which is also enjoyed by the opposite sex. Could end up being a great way to eventually meet someone new, and even if that's not the case, it's something fresh to enjoy.

 

I took up swing dancing a few years back, and so many people in the community found their partners through the social dancing events. I imagine communities for all manner of activities are similar. Another decent thing about this route, is if you end up hooking up with someone who shares a hobby, you'll always have that to do together.

[Unabomber]

Good story felt like I was reading an extract from a book. Hope it all works out

[Soar Fox]

12 year age gap 

[Nalis]

Regardless of age, if she was in an unhappy relationship when the engagement was called off then fair enough. If she wasnt then that fact she changed her mind so easily about that and then broke it off with you after her mum talked her out of your relationship doesnt exactly fill me with confidence that she cant be talked out a future relationship by someone else.

 

If its over then use it as a learning experience and also use it as an excuse to grow into a better you and will increase your confidence too.

 

Ultimately, as others have said, only you will know what to do so good luck whatever you do.

[joachim1965]

Dodged a bullet there me thinks.

Engaged but seeing you, not a good start to a trusting relationship.

[Ian Nacho]

Poison her mum then make moves. 

[Happy Fox]

My engagement ended with my fiancee last week, she was living abroad we had a clear vision to start with together, but the last two months or so it went sour, she was depressed, not because of me but her life situation changed, her parents health declined, and she didn't want to commit to me or get married.

 

It's hard but everything happens for a reason there are plenty of women out there, I don't believe in true love or this soul mate business, because every relationship requires effort on both parties part, if you are doing more than the other half it doesn't work. 

 

[James.]

I can't quite get past the "I moved in with her and her ex-partner" bit. Astounding.

 

Good luck to you, judging by your posts you have a lot to offer so be patient and it will happen.

[Strokes]

54 minutes ago, James. said:

I can't quite get past the "I moved in with her and her ex-partner" bit. Astounding.

 

Good luck to you, judging by your posts you have a lot to offer so be patient and it will happen.

ménage à trois?