The joke thread

[fuchsntf]

On 03/07/2021 at 11:36, shen said:

I think that's the 43rd version of this joke in this thread 

Wow...43 blind-date weddings..

[Sydney_Blue]

On my morning walk this morning and I saw my neighbour pushing a lion, a witch and a wardrobe up a hill. . .

 

I asked 'What in gods name are you doing?'

 

He replied - 'Go away, this is Narnia business'

[Tielemans63]

My wife said to me this morning "if I ever get Alzheimers I would rather you put me in a home than burden you with that."

 

I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

[Webbo]

Just got back from a funeral. He died after he was  hit on the head with a tennis ball. 

 

It was a lovely service. 

Edited 19 July 2021 by Webbo

[Ecdysiast]

2 hours ago, Webbo said:

Just got back from a funeral. He died after he was  hit on the head with a tennis ball. 

 

It was a lovely service. 

Just got back from a funeral.... Too soon to be honest. No offence taken 

[The People's Hero]

On 14/07/2021 at 04:21, Sydney_Blue said:

On my morning walk this morning and I saw my neighbour pushing a lion, a witch and a wardrobe up a hill. . .

 

I asked 'What in gods name are you doing?'

 

He replied - 'Go away, this is Narnia business'

I'm having that!

[FoxesDeb]

I caught my son chewing on electrical cables, so I had to ground him. He’s doing a better job of conducting himself currently.

[Otis]

4 hours ago, FoxesDeb said:

I caught my son chewing on electrical cables, so I had to ground him. He’s doing a better job of conducting himself currently.

That's shocking. 

[Flamey]

7 hours ago, FoxesDeb said:

I caught my son chewing on electrical cables, so I had to ground him. He’s doing a better job of conducting himself currently.

I'm staying Neutral in this, but sounds like you brought him back down to Earth. 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Helium addiction is horrible because no one takes your cries for help seriously.

[Izzy]

Pre Covid, back in the office I would tell jokes and everyone would fall about laughing.

 

Now doing meetings for work on Microsoft teams, Zoom and the like, my gags barely raise a smile.

 

Turns out I’m not remotely funny.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Does anybody know how to cancel a bid on eBay ? 
I put a bid on a cowboy outfit for 3 quid ….  Now I’m 6 minutes from owning Celtic !

[Izzy]

Took the wife out for dinner earlier. I ordered soup to start and the waiter brought it out to me with his thumb in it.

 

I said "Oi mate! Why have you got your thumb in my soup?"

 

He replied "I do it to keep my thumb warm"

 

I said "Well why don't you stick it up your arse instead then?"

 

He said "I do when I'm in the kitchen"

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Took my son out for his first pint.  Got him a fosters , he didn’t like that so I had it. 
Then I got him a Stella Artois , he didn’t like it so I had that as well.  It went on like that til we tried all the beers available. 
By the time we got into the whisky  , I couldn’t push his pram.

[DANGEROUS TIGER]

Sounds like he's a bit of a live wire.

[Facecloth]

Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee

 

But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine is gone

[Tinman]

I decided to trace my pet frogs ancestry... Turns out he's part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole!

[Izzy]

I went to a fancy dress party last night and decided to go as a sweet shop owner. 

 

After getting ready, I went into the lounge to show off my outfit to the wife.

 

"Give us a Twirl", she said.

 

Blimey, I thought, I must look convincing 👍

[MPH]

2 hours ago, Izzy said:

I went to a fancy dress party last night and decided to go as a sweet shop owner. 

 

After getting ready, I went into the lounge to show off my outfit to the wife.

 

"Give us a Twirl", she said.

 

Blimey, I thought, I must look convincing 👍

 

how you get away with jokes like this is scandalous . I’d have been lynched by now!

[fuchsntf]

[fuchsntf]

     I told myself last Week

               I must

          Stop drinking   

    Then I thought to myself

           Hold in a minute

      I am Not about to Take Notice 

      and prepared to Listen to anybody

              Who is  a fking drunk

       who wastes most of his time

          talking to himself

       

Edited 9 August 2021 by fuchsntf

[woollett the bullet]

Whenever my wife is upset, 

I let her colour in my tattoos.... 

She just needs a shoulder to crayon

[The Bear]

I've started doing lunges as part of my workouts. It's a big step forward for me. 

[MPH]

I have just been presented with some gravy granules  from the queen for my services to lockdown humour!

 

Apparently it was the highest honour she could  bistow upon me.

[fuchsntf]

3 hours ago, MPH said:

I have just been presented with some gravy granules  from the queen for my services to lockdown humour!

 

Apparently it was the highest honour she could  bistow upon me.

Aaaaaarrrrrrgghhhh bistow.