Rob1742 Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 In the queue for a coffee last night, about 7.30pm, turnstiles 7-12. I dropped my guts. I’m not wishing to be over dramatic, but on reflection, I have come to the conclusion that it was the second worst fart I have ever done. Sulphuric, which is rare for me, deep, potent, lingering, it was an absolute beauty. The poor bloke behind me had a couple of young kids with him, god I felt for them, I took all three of them out and fair play to them, they stayed in the queue and took it all in. It wasn’t just them that suffered, many in the vicinity were looking around wondering what caused the issue, but these three took the brunt of it. The comment from the Dad was what tickled me “ Christ lads, wow, Stan never told me he was coming to the match” He continued with other comments about Stan, who I got the impression of must be one hell of an antisocial bloke where his arse is concerned. Anyone know a Leicester fan called Stan, who fits the bill? If you do I matched him last night. He wasn’t even there and the poor bloke got a mention.
foxy boxing Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 Stan sounds like the sort of bloke who would drive of a cliff with his girlfriend in the boot!
Hollyfox Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 The club should get Stan or yourself, to stand in the concourse on 80+ minutes to stop people walking out early.
boots60 Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 43 minutes ago, Rob1742 said: In the queue for a coffee last night, about 7.30pm, turnstiles 7-12. I dropped my guts. I’m not wishing to be over dramatic, but on reflection, I have come to the conclusion that it was the second worst fart I have ever done. Sulphuric, which is rare for me, deep, potent, lingering, it was an absolute beauty. The poor bloke behind me had a couple of young kids with him, god I felt for them, I took all three of them out and fair play to them, they stayed in the queue and took it all in. It wasn’t just them that suffered, many in the vicinity were looking around wondering what caused the issue, but these three took the brunt of it. The comment from the Dad was what tickled me “ Christ lads, wow, Stan never told me he was coming to the match” He continued with other comments about Stan, who I got the impression of must be one hell of an antisocial bloke where his arse is concerned. Anyone know a Leicester fan called Stan, who fits the bill? If you do I matched him last night. He wasn’t even there and the poor bloke got a mention. You are Johnny Fartpants out of Viz & I claim my £5
ealingfox Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 Coffee's gone cold I'm wondering why I, Queued up for one at all, The toxic gas clouds up the concourse, And I can't see at all And even if i have to watch Dimi Gray, Vardy's picture on the wall, It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad
foxile5 Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 49 minutes ago, Rob1742 said: In the queue for a coffee last night, about 7.30pm, turnstiles 7-12. I dropped my guts. I’m not wishing to be over dramatic, but on reflection, I have come to the conclusion that it was the second worst fart I have ever done. Sulphuric, which is rare for me, deep, potent, lingering, it was an absolute beauty. The poor bloke behind me had a couple of young kids with him, god I felt for them, I took all three of them out and fair play to them, they stayed in the queue and took it all in. It wasn’t just them that suffered, many in the vicinity were looking around wondering what caused the issue, but these three took the brunt of it. The comment from the Dad was what tickled me “ Christ lads, wow, Stan never told me he was coming to the match” He continued with other comments about Stan, who I got the impression of must be one hell of an antisocial bloke where his arse is concerned. Anyone know a Leicester fan called Stan, who fits the bill? If you do I matched him last night. He wasn’t even there and the poor bloke got a mention. The poor bloke? That's your take away from the whole episode. I'm not certain if I applaud your bravado in telling this obviously crude act of biological warfare or if I absolutely renounce you as a child face farting deviant. The description of the fart as 'deep, potent, lingering' will be echoing around my brain for the evening, you can be sure of that.
Rob1742 Posted 5 March 2020 Author Posted 5 March 2020 1 hour ago, lgfualol said: This is hilarious. Tell us about the worst fart. South Shields, pub called Kirkpatricks around 1996. The whole clientele just left their beers and walked out. If you ever visit South Shields you will still find they talk about it to this day.
Rob1742 Posted 5 March 2020 Author Posted 5 March 2020 1 hour ago, foxile5 said: The poor bloke? That's your take away from the whole episode. I'm not certain if I applaud your bravado in telling this obviously crude act of biological warfare or if I absolutely renounce you as a child face farting deviant. The description of the fart as 'deep, potent, lingering' will be echoing around my brain for the evening, you can be sure of that. When I got to the counter, I asked my mate if he wanted any food. His reply was “ I was going to have a hot dog, but I don’t think I’ll bother now” Brilliant.
FLAN Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 My mate in the family stand sent me a text saying as if the game isn’t bad enough some kid has shat himself over here.
An Away Move Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 I once did a fart on a packed rush hour train in London. My mate was trapped behind me, but because I had a slightly dicky tummy I had no choice but to let a slightly warming one go. We were just pulling into the station so I thought I’d get away with it, but no. I have never seen a fart make anyone actually angry before but my mate was so revolted he shouted with real venom, “Is that you?!” to which I just laughed. “That is ****ing putrid!”, “It’s like something has died inside you!”. He totally shamed me in front of the whole train. It still makes me chuckle though!
Guest Cujek Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 I remember once i did a fart that smelled like actual death, but i have no idea how, i have never been able to recreate it. I could feel it, but i was in the car with my new mrs at the time so i held it in and waited to get home, then i dropped it and i have never smelled anything like it. I wish i knew how i did it, i would like to experience it again.
Stoopid Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 Due to an unfortunate series of events me and my mate found ourselves trying to thumb a lift up to Burnley. This would have been sometime in the late 70s ( when hitch-hiking was still a viable method of travel). A nice old lady took pity on us and in we climbed to her Austin Princess or whatever. Now I don't think trumping is funny or clever, and I try to avoid it in company. But I'd had a special at the Koh-I-Noor on the Friday night and, well, you can guess the rest... It was foul. The old adage that they never smell bad to the one who did it turned out to be a myth. The poor old dear's hair seemed to turn green. Hastily wound-down windows had no effect. But what got me was seeing my mate's shoulders in the front seat shaking with suppressed laughter interspersed with dry retches. We found ourselves promptly dropped off somewhere in the Manchester suburbs. Can't blame her. We never got to the match...
AKCJ Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 We do have a lot of smelly bastards that follow City to be fair.
UpTheLeagueFox Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 Me and a mate in a taxi in Tenerife in the 90s. Dropped a foul one, driver slammed on the brakes and chucked us out. Good times....
Christoph Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 We have a fart bandit where I sit every game. Haven't found the culprit yet but i know he's out there somewhere. The bastard lays at least one or two bombs every game.
Clever Fox Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 I remember on Holidays once in Florida walking back to the Car I got in and reached across to open the Wife's Door when I hear a Cheek Warbler. You could hear the rattle inside the Car. As the door opened she said better out than. What she didn't realize was that there was Jeep parked next to us with a fella in the drivers seat and the Window open. Who must have taken the full blast from it. He just wound his window up and gave her a filthy dirty look as we drove away.
st albans fox Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 An away end isn’t complete without at least two terrible farts that permeate around thirty people ......you know who you are - just control yourselves !!!!
foxile5 Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 1 hour ago, Rob1742 said: South Shields, pub called Kirkpatricks around 1996. The whole clientele just left their beers and walked out. If you ever visit South Shields you will still find they talk about it to this day. How are you doing them this bad? What's your diet?
murphy Posted 5 March 2020 Posted 5 March 2020 I have a juvenile sense of humour but I genuinely think that farts are the funniest things in the world. Bear with me... Imagine the funniest joke ever told. Repeat it ten times. Still funny? Repeat it a thousand times. Funny? Definitely not. At a conservative estimate of ten farts per day, I must have guffed nearly two hundred thousand times, yet each one still gives me as much pride, satisfaction and cheap laughs as the first, particularly if you can get a decent rip out of it and a suitably horrified reaction from OH. Proof in my eyes that the humble chuff beats any joke ever told. Incidentally, there is a guy on you tube who goes around city centres with some kind of thermal imaging camera, picking up the heat maps of the little clouds of shame surreptitiously squeezed out by the general public. You would be amazed how many discreet trumps are flying around at any given time.
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