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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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mick47

mick47

Posted
Posted
A chap finds a lamp, rubs it and out pops a Genie. "Brilliant" says the man, "you have to grant me 3 wishes".

"OK" replies the Genie "but in these days of political correctness I have to warn you, that whatever you wish for, your worst enemy will receive double that wish. Now, what is your first wish"

The chap thinks for a moment and states "I want £10,000,000 in my bank account".

"OK" says the Genie "you've got it but your worst enemy has £20,000,000. And your second wish"?

"I want 20 of the worlds most beautiful women worshipping me and doing exactly as they are told"

"OK" says the Genie "but your worst enemy has 40". Your final wish"?

The man replies "I want to lose a Testicle"
 
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Izzy

Izzy

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EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60


1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

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Rincewind

Rincewind

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Thinking about the song in the charts about May TBF there should be one about CORBYN Friends will be friends òn radio it would be Friends followed by Liar Liar. Others on the playlist.


Libdem. YMCA
UKIP Gotta get you outta this place 
SNP Donald where's yar troosers.
Greens if Ì could turn back time 
Welsh They'll be a welcome in the hillside 
ŔMĹP They're coming to take me away 
BNP It'll be lonely this Xmas (to be released later in the year when the candidate is let out prison)

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Izzy

Izzy

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21 hours ago, Aus Fox said:

My son asked this morning why does Mummy wear make up and perfume?

Apparently because she's ugly snd she smells was the wrong answer.

My son walked in on my wife having a shower this morning. 

 

He asked..."Mummy, what's that between your legs?"

 

"That's where the devil hit me with his axe!" she replied..

 

He looked shocked and said "Fvckin hell! Right in the fanny!!" 

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m4DD0gg

m4DD0gg

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My friend got mad at me for sniffing his sisters knickers.

 

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

 

Or that his whole family was there.

 

That made the rest of his sister's funeral really awkward.

 

And who would have thought you could make the funeral of such a small child any more awkward than it already was.

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Crinklyfox

Crinklyfox

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Little boy lives on a farm with his mother and father.

 

Mother gets up first in the morning and starts to prepare breakfast.  The little boy's alarm goes off and he comes down in a strop, sits at the table and demands his breakfast.  His mother says 'You can't have breakfast until you've fed the chickens, milked the cow and fed the pigs.'

 

Little boy is now in even more of a strop.  He goes outside and feeds the chickens, then kicks them.  He milks the cow, then kicks it.  Finally he feeds the pigs, then kicks them.  He comes back in and finds a bowl of dry cereal on the table.

 

'Where's my milk?  And where's my bacon and eggs?' wails the little boy.  His mother says 'You can't have any milk because you kicked the cow.  You can't have any bacon because you kicked the pigs.  And you can't have any eggs because you kicked the chickens.'

 

Just then father comes downstairs, also in a strop, and kicks the pussy cat across the room.  The little boy turns to his mother and says 'Will you tell him or shall I?'

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Beliall

Beliall

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3 hours ago, m4DD0gg said:

My friend got mad at me for sniffing his sisters knickers.

 

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

 

Or that his whole family was there.

 

That made the rest of his sister's funeral really awkward.

 

And who would have thought you could make the funeral of such a small child any more awkward than it already was.

My mrs just told me off for telling that joke

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Countryfox

Countryfox

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An inflatable jockey was riding an inflatable horse for an inflatable trainer and an inflatable owner. It was his first time over the jumps.

 

After the last fence he was leading easily but he pulled up way too early allowing two other horses to pass him.

After the race the jockey was so mad with what he'd done, that he stuck a pin in the horse, then he stuck a pin in the trainer and then the owner.

Because of this he was called in front of the Stewards.

When he was facing them, he stuck a pin in himself.

The Stewards said to him, "You're a disgrace. Not only did you let the horse, the trainer and the owner down, you have let yourself down too."

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