The joke thread

[Sharpe's Fox]

I saw some youngsters bullying a fat kid at lunchtime the other day so I walk over there and shout"Oi stop that, he's got a lot on his plate!"

[Buce]

I'm not saying my Uncle Jock is mean..

 

..but he once found a pair of crutches, so he went home and crippled his son.

[TheLittleBigMan]

Porn is frowned upon round our place. That's because we're all really concentrating...

[Webbo]

Somebody asked me why I gave up my job as a gynaecologist.

 

 

I'd rather not go into it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Yes, I have just been watching live from the Apollo) 

[Nick]

On 18 August 2016 at 21:39, Webbo said:

There's are depths even I won't sink to.

 

Thats not at all accurate.

[Beliall]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.....

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

 

[Captain...]

22 minutes ago, Beliall said:

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.....

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

 

 

you can tell me

[Jattdogg]

2 hours ago, Beliall said:

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.....

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

 

I want a refund on time wasted

[Carl the Llama]

It was Rick Astley.

[surrifox]

A man and his girlfriend walk into a pub . As he walks past the cigarette machine he hears a voice say " you're fat and ugly and your girlfriend shags anything with a pulse "

 

Somewhat taken aback they go up to the bar where there are some bowls of crisps and peanuts . 

They take some and hear a voice say " I love your suit you are really a classy dresser " . 

" your girlfriend is stunning you have great taste" 

 

they mention all this to the barman who apologises and says.....

 

 

"sorry mate , I'm afraid the ciggy machine is out of order but the bar snacks are complimentary" 

[Parafox]

20 hours ago, Beliall said:

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.....

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

 

10 mins of my life I won't get back. NO rep point... zip... nadda.... zilch...

 

Maybe if I had laughed...

 

I didn't

Edited 14 September 2016 by Parafox

[Facecloth]

1 hour ago, Parafox said:

10 mins of my life I won't get back. NO rep point... zip... nadda.... zilch...

 

Maybe if I had laughed...

 

I didn't

 

Took you 10 mins to read that?  

[Beliall]

A group of engineers are on a boat and are out on a cigarette break. However, none of them have a lighter. One engineer gets a great idea, and throws a cigarette off the boat. Suddenly, the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

[AKCJ]

14 minutes ago, Beliall said:

A group of engineers are on a boat and are out on a cigarette break. However, none of them have a lighter. One engineer gets a great idea, and throws a cigarette off the boat. Suddenly, the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

I've seen some shit jokes in here but... blimey...

[cambridgefox]

On 10 September 2016 at 05:04, Aus Fox said:

I also thought he could have slowed down a little.

You can copy and paste this in the" new chants thread" someone mentions it every other post.

[Buce]

My daughter asked me for a Cinderella themed birthday party...

 

 

...So I invited all her mates around and made them clean the house.

[longman]

On 15 September 2016 at 13:36, Beliall said:

A group of engineers are on a boat and are out on a cigarette break. However, none of them have a lighter. One engineer gets a great idea, and throws a cigarette off the boat. Suddenly, the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

may i know what's the point is?

[Webbo]

11 minutes ago, longman said:

may i know what's the point is?

It's a joke.

[ajthefox]

On 15/09/2016 at 13:36, Beliall said:

A group of engineers are on a boat and are out on a cigarette break. However, none of them have a lighter. One engineer gets a great idea, and throws a cigarette off the boat. Suddenly, the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

I spent about 5 minutes trying to work that out last night and didn't get it. Just come back to it and got it. Fvck me... 

[Alf Bentley]

On 9/15/2016 at 13:36, Beliall said:

A group of engineers are on a boat and are out on a cigarette break. However, none of them have a lighter. One engineer gets a great idea, and throws a cigarette off the boat. Suddenly, the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

 

A waste of a cigarette, if you ask me.

 

They should have all just gone to the match.

[separator]

1 hour ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

A waste of a cigarette, if you ask me.

 

They should have all just gone to the match.

They went menthol as it made them the butt of the joke? 

[kingcarr21]

8 hours ago, separator said:

They went menthol as it made them the butt of the joke? 

Bunch of fags

[Parafox]

I never spoke to my dad. We weren't allowed to, he was a bus driver.

 

My wife? It's difficult to say what she does. She sells sea shells on the seashore.

 

I have a photo of me with the group REM. That's me in the corner.

[Parafox]

We're quite well off in our family. We own a Jacuzzi. I have my own private jet.

[Beliall]

27 minutes ago, Parafox said:

I never spoke to my dad. We weren't allowed to, he was a bus driver.

 

My wife? It's difficult to say what she does. She sells sea shells on the seashore.

 

I have a photo of me with the group REM. That's me in the corner.

 

13 minutes ago, Parafox said:

We're quite well off in our family. We own a Jacuzzi. I have my own private jet.